Mad Cow

After talking to my friend I decided that it would be a good and honest thing to simply tell the BF he had hurt my feelings. Because open and honest communication is the secret to a happy healthy relationship. Really, all he had to say was 'Hey, sorry, I think you're wonderful and pretty.' and the whole thing would have been over --however, I live nowhere near that town called 'Perfect' that Walgreen's corporately runs so what I got was, 'Hey, let's discuss on Friday.' Which literally made me cry. Really, I was even surprised by it myself, I haven't let a boy make me cry in five years.

Then it made me think, and think, and think. It made me mad all over again, then it made me insecure, then it made me mad. Not that great boiling rage, but that twice as terrible inwardly directed self-loathing kind of rage that knots up your stomach for two days and makes you eat copious amounts of cheese and chocolate. It also gave me a brief remembrance of why I was so very happy when I was totally unattached, because 50% of my self-image was not dependent upon what some boy had to say about it. It is ridiculous. I have no idea if he thinks he's giving me some sort of 'cool off' period or if it is that 'I just don't have time to deal with you being a problem in my life right now'. Either way, by Friday I doubt we will have much to talk about. Especially, if he is fine letting me feel alone, unattractive, and hurt for three days. So, as much as I preach 'open & honest communication', it failed miserably--so we maintain radio silence.

My sister advised that I should stop blogging about it, in case he reads it, as she said it was his responsibility to figure out what to do and fix it himself.  --My answer was that he couldn't possibly read it or he would have just said what needed to be said and this has totally not happened (in fact, if it were possible to make it worse, he did, which is not only statistically typical with guys but stupid and the BF is generally not stupid). And if the BF is secretly reading this to gain insight and not telling me, stop it, you're not allowed to read this as I am not speaking to you right now. Your secret blog reading privileges have been revoked.

--On a lighter note. The family is in town for the second portion of my mother's teaching conference, so we are going swimming tonight. I am totally going to make sure I have pictures in my bathing suit this time. Had lunch at Brewsky's with Dad and sister A, it was nice. There is swimming at 4pm,  then at 7-ish we are going to see my Grandma Joyce, give her back her basket and get that painting, etc. I won't say it is going to be a fabulous time, but it should alright. We walked Dad over to see Aunt M at the Arts Council. She asked to read some of my writing as she has friends in publishing and seemed genuinely interested. So, I'm going to send her one and see what she thinks. I am slightly nervous about it --but I want people to read what I've written and maybe she will have some good constructive criticisms for the books that I can work on in July. I am also trying to figure a way to go see my bestie in KY sometime in August.

So, thus begins the three day stewing of the mad cow.