Scoundrels and Skanks

Okay, so work went badly today. Consider it was four months to get a bad day that is not too bad at all. However, the ridiculousness that made my day bad was insane.

I went to the bathroom at around 9 am. Took a pee and washed my hands. This troll woman came in and used the same stall after me. I go back and show my friend at work my new cool slap watch which is very cool. Then on the way back to my desk, I get called into my supervisor's office. He asks me flat out, "Were you smoking in the ladies restroom?" I think he is joking as 'Smokin' in the Boys Room' starts playing in my head. He shakes his head and I realize he is serious. OMG. What? No, I would never, ever, never do that. He then discloses that HR rec'd a complaint that I was smoking in the restroom. I was aghast. Offended, totally taken aback. It's a baldfaced lie. Someone went to HR and told them a LIE about me, for no reason at all.

I am nice to everyone in my office. I always say 'hi' and smile at everyone. I was so angry I was shaking for the half hour after that. So, now I get to go talk to him tomorrow to see if this will effect my probation at my new job. I am not totally worried about it as my supervisor said he believed me, but considering how much of an OA I am work, it is killing me that someone would do that. I also flat out told him that I would never use that restroom again...I will walk to the other one in the main hallway as I didn't want to share a restroom with someone who would make up hogwash about my activities in the restroom and report them to HR. I've never had a complaint against me at any job I have ever worked at...ever.

I have put on a brave face about it and went through the rest of my day pretending I wasn't intensely hurt by it. But, I was. I want to believe people are good, but every once in a while I am reminded that most people just want to tear you down so they feel better about themselves and that is a tough one. So, once again tomorrow I will attempt to remain dignified and professional in an office that I now feel is out to get me. I also will need to make a decision about how I want to handle the recent meetings we have been having to discuss the unprofessionalism of the team this Troll woman is on, as I now know that she has a 100% chance of retaliating against me, which includes falsifying complaints against me. I have up to this point been very vocal, but believe that I may now need to back down...at least until my probation is over which is the end of May, as it restarted when I got promoted. I don't like it, but what I do like is my job and if that means I go straight to my cubicle everyday and talk to no one for four months...then that is what I damn well do.

Upgrade?

Okay, so part of the goal with riding the bus was to NOT spend money. It's to save money so I can get that car fixed. So, today rather than going to the mall, I went to the Goodwill for new trousers for work. Work pants are a necessity not frivolous, but they must be bought on the cheap for two reasons --First, I am losing weight so they won't fit in about a month. Second, save remember, gotta be saving money not spending it. I totally ruined this concept last week by buying a V-day gift for someone who is not my boyfriend. Even if I love him, he's not...because he says he's not.

But, the fact that I'm an overly romantic idiot has been discussed again and again and simply will not change. Ha, ha. With all of this said, I did manage to pick up two nice pair of trousers at the Goodwill. One pair is gray and Body By Victoria and the other is blk with pinstripes from New York & Co. I also got a khaki skirt from New York & Co. All for $12 --mainly because the checkout lady didn't charge me for one pair of pants, but I didn't realize this until i got to the car. Sister picked up two new summer dresses and a rather cute skirt I might end up borrowing. I was also kind of having a rather lumpy fat day so shopping for pants was kind of awful. Oh, well, mission accomplished.

However, then we went to Shopko for some things she needed. There was a very cool red alligator skin wallet on clearance for $6. I couldn't walk away from it. I needed a new wallet. Then we passed into the electronics section and I was perusing the phones, as I kind of hate how cheap and janky mine is...or was I should say, because I bought a new phone. There was one on sale that had a camera and could play music ringtones and had a keyboard so I might be able to text once in a while as the old one had this system of texting where I had to push the button four times to get an 'S'. I hated it. So, now I have a new cool phone, as pictured above. I was even able to transfer over my old number and all my minutes. Awesome! So, it only cost me in the fact that I had to buy it and it was on sale. Well, then I needed some ringtones, and I did get on-line and buy some cool hardcases for it. So, there was that. Now I think I need more memory for it, but on the up and up, it only can handle a 4gb microSD card and they are selling those on Amazon for $5.

So, I'm having coffee with K tonight. He has an Amazon Prime account so I figured I would ask him to buy it because that means he gets free two day shipping on whatever he buys from there. So, the cost should be minimal. I am still trying to curb my spending and I'm doing well, I just need to keep it up.

The phone rocks, btw. It plays Party Rock Anthem when people call me so I dance around and look like an smiling fool. And my text tone is Bulletproof by La Roux. I think it's figgin's sweet. Plus, now I can take pictures of the strippers. And who doesn't like pictures of strippers?

Firemen, Policemen, and Sailors...Oh, My!

Okay, so I guess my single girl credentials were showing at work the other day, because some of the IT girls invited me out to..dun, dun, duh...a male strip show next week. It think when she said it I actually giggled like an idiot for a minute. I am pretty well versed in the world and all it's seedy fun, but I have never been to an all male review before. So, I said 'yes' and bought a ticket and I'm gonna go. As a writer, new experiences are always fun and interesting and make great blog fodder, if nothing else.

I will also say secretly I would like to have a good time. However, I don't really think strippers, or the typical stripper, is very hot by my standards. My tastes have changed and a strip show seems very much like viewing animals at the zoo. Yeah, they're very good and exotic, but I don't get to touch'em or pet'em and I certainly didn't catch them and bring them back to my house. Plus, I'm not all that into firemen, policemen, or sailors...I am hopeful however that one of them will be dressed up like an IT guy, as I really like those, or maybe a good looking attorney (as I have laid out I like a nice suit). Mostly the thing I find sexiest about a guy these days is the fact that they are attracted to ME, and there is simply very little chance of that at a strip show. However, tell me I'm beautiful, smart, and lovely and I would get down on my knees and just do whatever you tell me to do. I'm like that.

Anyway. I informed both of my on the hooks about it and they both reacted very differently. Which was severely interesting to me as a Dating Scientist. My Enneagram Five, the Nerd Prince who I had dinner with last night, after I told him about it, I said, "Well, you have co-workers who invite you to skip out on the afternoon and go to movies. I have co-workers who invite me to see strippers." He looked very thoughtful for a moment then retorted, "Trade ya." I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants. He then clarified that it would have to be female strippers as the male ones did nothing for him. Which I knew, having banged him once or twice. Now, Mr. EU/PA, most likely an Enneagram 8 if I could ever get him to finish the test, asked if I thought a bunch of strippers would get me hotter than seeing him brush his teeth naked. Then when I admitted that I did like seeing that (and I do, because that means that I got laid which hasn't happened in nearly a damn month) he promptly stopped e-mailing me for two days. That bloody damn tease. Damn it, and damn him.

On a somewhat irregular note, I did come dangerously close to inviting my five to spend the night last night. He left really late and there was a bit of roommate issues, so I sent him home instead, but wow that took some massive willpower and had he simply said he wanted to stay...I would have woke up with him. There was some tension, but he just didn't give a clear sign. All it would have taken was a reach over to touch me, a simply 'I'd like to stay', an indication that was what he really wanted --and that was just not there. And in a grand effort to NOT see romantic mirages, I simply let him go home.

His V-day gift showed up in the morning mail today and it really looks very cool. I showed it to the roomies and they approved wholeheartedly. Then my sister says, "So, are you getting this for your boyfriend?" I backpedaled saying the whole 'we are friends' thing, and she rolled her eyes at me and says, "So, that is because you discussed it with him?" I backpedaled further. She says, "Well, is he getting you anything for Valentine's Day?" I look away and say, "Well, I don't think so, I don't really expect him to." She looks me in the face and says what we are both thinking, "That's bullshit. You need somebody you are sure about. Stop wasting your time on these guys who don't care about you."
Damn her for breaking onto my romantic Orient Express of denial and fantasy with her sound logic. Just climb right back inside your Trojan horse of reality and take it outside my city walls. Stop destroying my imagined city of power, beauty, and peace with you're war-like wake-up call of loneliness and solidarity. If I can just keep fancifully anticipating good surprise gestures and non-existent flowers being rained over me at work for a couple more weeks I can totally make it through the most depressing singles holiday ever. Fight it, just keep fighting it. Oh, and strippers, I'm gonna enjoy going to see strippers.

Diehard Romantic...

Hey, Guys, what is going on? Some interesting things happened tonight. I was talking Enneagrams all day with the bestie. Which kind of prompted a numbers game. Right now she has a five and an eight that she is dealing with and we discovered that I have a five and an eight that I am dealing with. For me the five is the Nerd Prince Ex-friend, K, and the eight is Mr. EUPA, S, who although I wanted him out of the picture, keeps bloody walking back in anyway.

So, I also got in the mail a catalogue from Helzberg jewelry, which showcased all of their beautiful Ruby Valentine's Day sales. I love Rubys. They are my birthstone as I was a July baby, after all. The only NICE jewelry I've ever bought for myself was ruby rings. And they do have some very pretty ones. This got me to fantasizing about Valentine's Day. As a perpetually single girl, V-day has never been really anything more than disappointing in reality, but in my hardcore fantasies it's marvelous. When I was actually in a terminal relationship, my bf got me one year for Valentine's day....cable. It was by far the worst gift I have ever gotten. Ever. And this was when he was still telling me he loved me. Now some girls, they poo-poo Valentine's Day as frivolous and unnecessary. Those girls secretly wish someone would send them flowers at work and still want their man to do something special, nice for them, or to them.

But, I am a diehard romantic, at heart. I have a thousand and one sweet, sexy things that I wish for and could do for my boyfriend. But, wherefore art thou, Boyfriend? I had this great idea at work that perhaps someone would ride in and get a hotel room at the Cornhusker (it's connected to the building I work in, so there is only a skywalk walk to get there) and kidnap me at lunch for a romantic tryst. It was a great daydream. I like little dirty e-mails or texts a bunch to, but don't get those either. The bestie told me that the days of grand romantic gestures were dead. It broke my already taped together heart to hear it. They can't be dead, I never got any of them. The only time my Ex ever gave me flowers was after he'd cheated on me, so at the end there I was getting them weekly. I long for them to have a different meaning. To be saved from mundane and thoughtless, so that I can be grateful and full of admiration for a man.

I have almost lost hope that either of the gentleman in my life currently will provide this for me. Not that they are bad...they just don't love me the whole way. Or even really want to admit that they care about me at all, if they do. It's not their faults, in fact, it's probably me, but I wish it was different. Sometimes I just want to grab them and shake them, "Why aren't you in love with me? Are you God damn crazy? I'll give you everything...everything you ask me for. Just ask and I'll give it to you." But, they would both just walk away. And I'd be alone, like usual. Sigh. However, they are good to me in their own ways.

My five, who is so sweet and wonderful on so many levels, is getting a Valentine's Day gift. I bought him one today. It is perfect for him, I think, and shows that I know his tastes, but wish to elevate them, as well. I took a great deal of time to pick it out, just for him. I'm excited to give it to him. Even if he doesn't get me anything...which is a distinct possibility as we are 'friends'. But, ugh, come on, really?Fives are the investigators...I understand our relationship and on some levels I don't. I think I will become a corpse before he ever makes a physical move on me again, but then again, he may never. And speaking of physical moves, now, my eight may simply be getting an e-mail card. I haven't decided yet what I am doing with him....literally. I love banging and even if I hate him when he talks to me, I like him a hellva lot when his face is between my thighs. I realize that's fairly course and unladylike, but I'm only human and I like getting busy, a lot.

If my five should ever developed an enjoyment of such things, he would be the perfect man and I would have to simply become his slave. Or if my eight should suddenly wake up one morning a gentleman who treated me with respect and care, I would have to chain myself to his bed and stay a while. As is, we sneak out before eight wakes up and sigh wistfully as we show our five out the door when we would like to simply invite him to spend the night. Because, surely with this much practice, there will be a time when someone shows up to sweep me off my feet because I love just the way he needs to be loved. Diehard Romantic Out.

Best Deal Ever

Okay, I have been a bargain hunter for quite some time now. Really, I fight the crowds on Black Friday with pride and vigor. I look at sales, accessing my needs, my budget, and what is available. I don't buy loads and loads of frivolous things, but with my weight loss I have been picking up things here and there that do fit so I can mix them in with the large amount of things that don't fit.

Today we went to Old Navy as they were having 50% off all their adult clearance. I figured with the budget being very tight right now that I could spend exactly $15 or less, if I found anything at all. With Old Navy it can be kind of hit and miss on finding things I like, some of their clothing is just meant to be trendy and cheap and last you one season -as opposed to the Gap where I find classic pieces and pay a bit more for them because they last several seasons. My sister had hit the dress section while I looked through for tops that were all a bit too this or that or whatever. I kind of wandered over to find that almost all of the dresses were $6 or less. With an extra 50% off that meant most of them were then $3 or some of them were $2. I picked up SIX new dresses. Six of them for $15, the cheapest came out to be $1.50 at the register.

When I got home. Two of the dresses are silky and super static-y, plus the fit was odd and not flattering. But, then a super soft cotton, purple maxi house dress (this one fit in a SMALL). And score, blk jersey t-shirt dress with belt, cute, good fit, work appropritate. Next, blk jersey keyhole halter dress, great for slutting it up in the summer, fit perfect, very flattering. And last but not least, ruffly tiered maxi dress cream with big blk flowers on it, super feminine. Not my usual taste and too long --so I cut it (the tiers hide the cut so you can't even tell), as it was only a $3 dress, into a super cute short dress which shows off my legs and is perfect for both work and play. OMG, shopping orgasm. It has never been so damn good. Thank you retail therapy. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

 

I should have looked in the men's clearance for K, but I would not have had any dinero to spend on him anyway, as I blew my wad on six new dresses for me. Oh, and a heart pounding game today!! Patriots are in the Super Bowl, BABY!! Woohooo!!! The Raven's played well, and it was pretty close, but I am so glad they won. I love you, Tom Brady, fucking love you!!!

On The Hook?

I have a friend who works out her issues by journaling. Privately she journals about things. Really first and foremost I can be kind of an attention seeker, so this psuedo-anonymous blog is my journal. So, there are less than positive things in here. We do try to protect the innocent, but when I need to look at things really examine them they are on here so I can look at them on paper and really digest them properly. Her blog introduced a concept I think she has been trying to put forth to me in a random way to keep from blurting it at me (which now that I think about it she has tried to get me to see), it is a 'Never Go Back' rule, followed by a concept known as 'On The Hook'.  The 'Never Go Back' rule applies to Ex's and the 'On The Hook' concept is when someone remains with someone until something better comes along.

So, let's discuss. I realize looking at what I have now as far as relationships will qualify as 'on the hook', I get it. I also realize that I don't have this 'never go back' rule. Honest, and let's be honest here, I have many acquaintance and, really at this point, few close friends, so for me simple closing down shop seems pretty extreme. Especially, when at least one of my 'let's be friends' things does seem to be working pretty well. I am probably being strung along on a hook by both boys right now, and yes, it's probably because I don't really want to be alone and still am. Both what I have with K and S will NOT equal out into the romantic relationship that I crave so much, they have both let me know this in no uncertain terms. So, why keep doing it?

The answer is because as strange as it sounds, I like what I have with K. I am finally getting comfy with just being his real friend. I am working hard to be happy for him when he goes out with other girls and just generally enjoy his warm, like minded company. Now, I still get disappointed when relationship-y things happen, and for me feel like they fall through, like say when he has a Christmas party for his work and tells me about it (it's out of town so I had a quick fantasy about going with him and meeting all his friends and drunkenly sharing a hotel room with him) and then he makes it quite clear that he is going alone and intends to enjoy it alone. I accepted that I was disappointed, but make funny comments about how he should find a nice girl there to hole up with if he gets wasted. Because, he is NOT slowly trying to work back into anything romantic with me, we have our relationship and it's called friends, that's where it ends. Any problems, are problems I create. We can be and should be good friends --because as I said before, if he ever intends to find a girl he will need advice and a bit of female support and because I need him to remind me there are good boys out there who are respectful, dignified, and fun. So, if I'm on the hook with him, that's where I am bloody well staying.

Now, S that is a different story entirely. Not that I will ever say this again, because I hate it, but he talks to me that way my long term Ex talked to me. He questions everything the comes out of my mouth. He has extremely low self esteem and is manipulative, always the victim. I was constantly apologizing to him for everything I ever said. This was the main thing I hated about him. He treated me badly and the only nice thing he ever did for me was f*ck me. So, right now you are thinking 'why, would she ever be with him at all?' Good question. Well, when we did bone, he would tell me how hot I was and how good I made him feel -and I straight up needed to hear that. I need to be told. And some days, I need to be touched in an inappropriate manner. That is what he was for. When I say, 'was' what I mean is that our 'friends' thing will never work, has not and does not work, because I don't really like him as a person. He has a lot of personal growth and emotional growth that he needs to do to reach me, if ever. And I can barely stand him to f*ck him, so now that that is over, I doubt I will talk to him again --I haven't in three days now and don't plan on it, so for all intents and purposes he is out of the picture. Off that hook, because it is not healthy.

On a positive note, I did flirt with a single guy at my work who is fun and interesting. Not the pinnacle of attractive, but he is nice and funny, so there could be something potentially there. Also, because I have no plans for this weekend, other than watching the Pat vs. Ravens game, I will be able to get back on the site and do some looking around for another date. A girl's gotta keep trying. He's out there, I just know it. My 50/50 just waiting for me to find him and love him. Until then I keep spreading the love around, be open and honest, learn to be a better friend and a better person, and let go of some things.

A Night At The Movies

Okay, so Thursday night was dinner and a movie with the ole flame K. Dinner was nice we ate slow but still finished like an hour before the movie. So, we visited the evil empire for some coffee. I had a full flavor cinnamon dolce latte. It was fabulous. I haven't had one in nearly a year. Whipped cream and all it as heaven in a cup. And the Ex-friend was wonderful company, I can talk to him about almost anything, very nearly everything.

We went to see Mission Impossible 4. It seemed like the real mission would be to enjoy the movie. Behind us sat an older guy who seemed to be eating sunflower seeds the whole movie as he made this horrible sucking sound with his teeth ever ten seconds, however this was when he was not loudly stating the things that were happening on screen. "Oh, it's a sandstorm!" or "That chick is hot." Yeah, I get it, I paid to watch it like everyone else you are severely annoying. And if things could get worse they did. A couple came in at the same time we did. This dude verbally brow beat the woman with him the whole time. The nicest thing he did for her was watch her purse while she went to the restroom, which he loudly announced he would do. He laid his coat over a seat two seats away from him and proceeded to put popcorn in the seat next to him. This awful buffalo of a man, actually did a very well mannered thing --he did totally say, "Excuse me." when he farted quite loudly in the middle of the movie. I think I nearly threw up. It was appalling.

The movie was however, not terrible. There were parts that were amusing and funny. I just had almost the worst theater experience ever. When we got out. I just ranted to K  who also had some choice words about these movie ruining hooligans. We listen to 'Pumped-Up Kicks' in the car on the way home and told each other how we would love to shove a whole bag of sunflower seeds down that guy's throat or simply pop a cap in the big gross buffalo guy's stupid face (he even turned on his cell halfway through the film, so there would have been plenty of light to do it.) Sit down, shut the f*ck up. I paid to see this too, damn it. If I were one of my heroines, I would have leaned over and snapped that guy's neck. I know his wife would have thanked me on the way out. Dang.

Comin' In Hot...

Yeah, m'kay, so thanks to a full day at work, I am feeling a little more down to earth than I did this weekend. Which is good I suppose, readjusting that mask of calm over an interior that is very much jittering from party girl withdrawals. So, the bestie sent me a new song. Damn it is good. I listen to this one about a million times today.

We did a lot of talking the bestie and I today over the e-mail. Which felt good. It felt normal almost like she was in the next cubicle and we were just e-mailing back and forth. I even managed to get some work done. We discussed some of the relationship problems that we seem to encounter again and again and talked a little about a mutual friend M who, wow, just seems to leave us in the emotional dating turmoil mixed dust sometimes as far as problems go. Example: M was talking about how a marriage would not work with Mr. X because he would never leave the country with her, kids blah, blah, blah...I mean real future problem stuff...and it was immediate like first or second date in the relationship. Who makes marriage problems before they are even married? It was just weird.

I prefer to make my relationship problems while I'm in the relationship. I over analyze things, get needy when I told them I wouldn't be, subjugate all my dreams and happiness for their needs, things like that. Sometimes it is funny that even knowing all these things...I will still do them again. I can't seem to analyze out being over analytical about it. And I'm still trying. That's the even stranger part about it. I looked at it and thought today, "Why would I curse someone to love me? It would be pretty damn horrific for them." Don't get me wrong. I like myself a lot. But, I'm probably not a good partner for anyone. Perhaps I am meant to be the loneliest number. Perhaps I am meant to be everyones' best and greatest friend, because if I try to be anything else...I try too hard and f*ck it all up. Is there a cure for that?

Ah, well, not worth dwelling on. I ordered pizza tonight for the roommates and me. So, that should be fun. And really, it was kind of nice to not have to worry about getting the car all ready to go this morning in the snow. There was some weird police presence at the bus station downtown however, that kind of freaked me out. Like four cops all talking to this one big a$$ drunk looking dude. Massively weird. One of the barbs and arrows of outrageous fortune I suppose. Still the mood is up. Got great plans for the rest of the short week and time keeps moving on. Also got off the days I needed for my dental, heavy duty cleaning appointments. Should be a barrel of laughs. Ha, ha.

My Super Bowl MVP Baby

Holy Cow. At least I will always have my Tom Brady.....damn it he is fine looking and a marvelous football game winning machine. He is already my MVP.

In case you needed a playoff re-cap. Check out this one. I nearly laughed so hard milk came out my nose...and I'm not drinking milk.  http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/6gyd

Only What You Can Afford

Feeling haughty today. Pretty, prancy. Yep, we have vaulted back from a week of blah, blah, blah bloodshed to our normal vivacious self. Well, we, as in the royal we, are always ourselves, but now were are just not crazed and hormone driven. With that said, now I'm all restless and wanna go OUT. I chalk it up to too much dance music on the old playlist. Or the fact that the bestie was all out this weekend.

And I did go out. Last night was dinner and a show with the Nerd Prince and it was most enjoyable. But, this is more....I need a crowd, some wild drinking and karaoke. And it's just not going to happen. Thanks to MLK jr day I do have today off work, but that makes tonight more of a Sunday night. Not what I want, which is, you know, get dressed up and go out and get laid like a college tramp. Perhaps it is the loss of Mr. EU/PA, who was simply and easy booty call away, but today I have the pronounced need for petting and compliments. 'You're so pretty kitty, commere and let me pet ya for awhile', that type of thing. Repress, repress, repress. Don't need it, don't need it, don't need it. So, today we work out hardcore...just severely exercise that inner tramp out until we ache all over and are too tired to think about it or want it at all.

I've honestly come to the conclusion that I must have some kind of over-active sexual center in my brain or maybe that sexual peak woman hit in their thirties is absolutely true. I muse that what I am really looking for may be an incredibly mature 20 yr old, or an older thirties pervert. Boys my age just don't seem to be interested in it. I know that is a crazy thing to say, but if all my dating indicators are correct they all seem to be looking for a girl who works out, lives clean, and wants to simply talk and enjoy interests with them (they've had quite enough sex, thank you, but no). It's weird, like I have not changed, but that the game itself has changed. It also has a lot to do with the fact that when I am getting it from somewhere, I get all clingy and possessive then they freak out and put the brakes on. I think it's not even the elusive 50/50 anymore...I may just need that dude who gets clingy and possessive back.

The proof is in the pudding, guys, as I received an olive branch of 'friendship' from Mr. EU/PA. That's right, he tossed the offer of casual sexual partners for being 'friends'. Every damn time it happens, my mind rings out that, "I like seeing you. I just can't see us being together." I like some of you, but not all of you, so how about I take only what I want? I'll pay half, but I can't afford all of that.

*Update: May have been a little harsh on the boys on this one. Was briefly reminded by someone that, "at least they want to be friends" is still a very cool thing most of the time....most of the time.

Given Them the Axe

Well, after some rather strange radio silence yesterday, which drove me so bonkers I just turned the computer off and did other things. It was best for me really. I needed to give time for them to react anyway. Reactions take time, patience, an observer's keen eye.

So, after giving a hard needy tug (per my tug-o-war metaphor in the last blog) on the ropes this is what happened....the Ex-friend immediately tugged back in the form of not one, but two e-mails, one of which was an offer to hang out. Totally positive, he always is. The sweet Nerd Prince always right there for me emotionally. From the other two nothing.

So, to force a reaction, I sent e-mails this morning...in essence cutting the f*cking ropes. Because the Queen was tired of suffering their tepid reactions. It was time to throw down. Now, this is the really interesting part. Mr. Counter (finally got a new nickname for him as he is a calorie counter hardcore) being in only the first date stage, simply dropped and ran. That's what he professed to be good at...running...so enjoy that. He was pretty, very, very pretty, but not off the scales gorgeous and not half as smart as the Nerd Prince by any means. So, I simply tossed his rope aside and watched to see what Mr. EU/PA would do. Well, one minute exactly after my e-mail goes out cutting him loose, he runs over ties a knot in the rope and hands it back to me, in the form of an e-mail back with a nice invitation to meet next week as he has been 'very busy' (which means dodging me while I was on the rag and scary). Hmmm, well, it was a positive, not a super positive, but well, not the reaction I was expecting from him either.

However, a rope in each hand is doable. These two seem to have me split in equal but opposite directions anyway. Perhaps there is no perfect 50/50. Still, there is a gentle foreboding in my mind, someday I will have to chose one or the other. I already know which one it would be. Do you, dear reader? But, for now, I give each of them just what they have asked me for, and give the rest to the other. It's still giving all I have to give, so there is satisfaction in it, a contentment in feeling somewhat powerful, somewhat in control in a land that there is not control only delicate balances of power teetering precariously until someone falls.

*Update: Mr. EU/PA came back with some kind of weird, I missed that first e-mail and now that I have it I don't want to talk to you anymore bullsh*t. So, f*ck him. I cut him loose again. I don't need that drama. You want to play head games...well, enjoy doing it by yourself. I don't play mind games, I win them. And your match just ended.

Radio Silence

Yeah, I'm a big girl, I have plenty of things to keep me occupied. I really do, I have cool hobbies, fun friends, nice roommates, varied interests....all kinds of things that I can do. So, why is it that I am sitting here looking at my e-mail like it's a time bomb and wondering if my internet is broken, desperately pushing the refresh button, just in case someone e-mailed me like ten seconds ago and I am missing it? I have no idea.

I even sent e-mails to people I have not talked to in a long time. Needing communications, worried that I am missing something cool --what if I wasn't invited to the party? Sigh. Normally, I would just focus on other things, but tonight it's pretty bad.

Boys have been driving me crazy this last week. That's right, plural. One really is bad enough to deal with most of the time, but right now I am in the middle of like three games of tug-o-war and I am slipping here. At one end of the rope they will pull....I want to talk, to see you, to play with you...on the other end I pull and they give...well, I don't want to be too available to you, I don't want to care too much about you, I hate you when you are on your period and go crazy. But, no one lets go. I keep pulling and they keep pulling. I'm so tied up by it, at this point, that this is my life in bondage. All, hot, frustrated, and tied up...with no visible end in sight. It's ridiculous.

Plus, I was being really polite, because my situation is not the ideal one for me, and let some guy on the website know that I was not accepting other offers currently as I was focused on other things. And that guy e-mails back, "What offers?? I didn't ask you to marry me or anything." Nice, really nice. Now, I feel like crap because he can't take rejection very well. I was really mad about it. It's not fair that I try to be nice, honest, and forthright and get it thrown back in my face. I should have just told him the truth..."Uhm, hey, you are just not attractive enough for me to be talking to you, at any point, so piss off, please, and leave me alone. I am way, way out of your league." I'm totally made enough to say it now. A$$hole.

I have also, as my sadly correct enneagram predicted, over-analyzing my last date and his lack of a response, at this point. The worst part, that I really thought it went well. I wanted so badly for him to think it went well too. So, then I feel like it's my fault. He'll never tell me what it was that scared him off so I then pick the things about me that I hate and blame the failure on them. But, there are like a million things that it could have been. So, now I contemplate doing something crazy with my hair or spending some of that money I have been saving on new clothes. It's a pathetically predictable pattern of mine. But, what to do to break the pattern.....really throw a wrench in there...maybe a new tattoo.

Teeth

Even a shark needs dental work occasionally. I had some, or the first or mine, start yesterday. I finally got that cavity in the front all fixed so now I can smile in confidence. However, we also made 'a plan' for the rest of the mess I chew with and it is a long unpleasant one. Wow, yeah, it's gonna suck. The relaxation meds I took also made it so that when I got home I pretty much crashed out as my ever present high strung nature was being subverted. So, we shall see if 12 hrs of sleep help make today a little easier. Who knows. I'm definitely gonna throw that smile around a bunch more now so that should at least help a bit. :)

My Musical Mood...

Sometimes songs just say things so well, they mirror life and how you feel so that it's all laid right out there for you. Someday, I'd like to understand, really understand all those childhood "Whys?" To root out all my doings and short comings and just....get it, totally get it. I don't know that I ever will.

The Elusive 50/50....

Actually, I know PMS (and that is Pre or Post M Stress) exists. How do I know? Well, for about one day each month, I go absolutely Brittany Spears head shavin' crazy and have no idea that I am any different than usual. Everyone around me notices...I get comments like 'aren't you being a little over senstitive' or 'did you eat anything today' or 'I'm not being judgemental. You seem to WANT to be offended by everything I say.'

Mine hit last Wednesday and as if it were a blog in itself, I am still dealing with the repercussions of what occurred. Okay, so to preface the story...the Ex and I are on superb terms right now, we are great friends and after asking him no less than twice if he wanted to re-date me he said 'no' and gave the green light to date...so I have been. This was kind of discussed on earlier blogs, but needs to be said, as my friendship with him is amazing. So, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable/Physically Available asked to come over and drop some things off at my house on Wednesday. This required two days of heavy cleaning and massive anxiety as I don't invited people to my private room. I feel very judged by the guilty pleasures I have amassed here in knick-knacks and junk. However, as I felt like this might be a step to moving our 'only-physical' relationship into a more relationship-y category, I let him come over.

It was awful. I was nervous so I didn't eat anything which made everything worse. I (apparently) was offended by everything he said and the fact that he didn't even take his coat off like he was going to stay and by the end of the hour and a half we were little more than enemies who could not wait to be outside of each other's company. Then we e-mailed back and forth about it for two days. So, I declared Friday a boy free zone and used it to really introspect about if it was me, which it turned out it was. I also came to the conclusion that although I like him, he does not like me -almost anytime we actually talk to one another I get that feeling. My reluctance to let him go is absolutely physical. However, as we have established we are not an emotional masochist, it's probably over-ish (damage done on that one, thanks PMS).

I find it interesting that in the last four days I have gotten five e-mails on the dating website. It kind of goes in phases, dry for a long time, than suddenly a down pour. I started conversing with a nice new boy....he doesn't have a nickname yet that I can use here, but I have a coffee date with him on the 11th, so we shall see how that one goes.

A trusted person, who shall remain nameless, actually said to me recently that the fact that I get different things from different boys kind of makes me seem 'hooker-y'. The sad, or really sad part is, that I kind of, on a deep level, agree with that. I have no idea why the boy who supports me emotionally has no interest in me physically.  I have no clue why the boy who can't get enough of me physically, has no desire to even speak with me outside of that. I want both, so I have them both, but....yeah, it would be conscience clearing to just have one that I could be loyal to. I prize loyalty a great deal, but does that mean I should sacrifice my needs to get that? I say no. I remain happy with what these boys offer and don't ask for more than they are willing to give. Maybe this new one will be different, he seems nice, could be that good 50/50 whole I'm looking for. It never hurts to try.

Nerd Gold Pictorial...Evil vs Good

In case the readership didn't already know, I've been on the darkside for awhile now. I just happened to get my lightsaber out for some roommate slaying tonight.

Join me, won't you, on the darkside...it's delightful here.

Ah, it's my roommate, Tobi-wan Knobi. Oh, hell no, I will not do the dishes! Prepare for battle!

 The battle rages!

Oh, no! Tobi-Wan calls upon his trusted companion, Kacen Make-u-do. It looks like Darth H has no choice but to do the damn dishes and act happy about it. Fuck.



Liar's Poker

Okay, so ya know what Liar's Poker is? Well, for those of you that don't. It's shuffling, dealing one card to each player, the player then places that card on their forehead so everyone else can see what you've got, but you won't know what you've got. So, the Queen of Hearts there and the Queen of Clubs have no idea they have queens, but I know. Of course, I have no idea that I have a five of diamonds, but I know the probability that I have something higher than a queen is fairly slim. It's about trying to read everyone else's reactions to your card, learning tells and examining facial expressions carefully. However, after as much as I had to drink.....it was mostly about giggling and remaining vertical.

I had a really great New Year's Eve. The Ex and I were to go bowling with the roomies, but they didn't really feel like bowling. So, we went out to dinner at Backyard Burger, which was really good and has a great atmosphere. Then made a quick trip to Target where we picked up some tech stuff and liquor. Then my special Nerd Prince came and hooked up my HDMI, which looks amazing and helped me buy a proper Sandisk for the new tablet, on-line. After that, we hung out with the roomies and played poker.

My sister could not stay up past 10pm because she had to work today, but she is always so much fun. After she went to bed, I hung out with the guys until like 2am. We drank, played poker, listened to music and joked around. It was a lot of fun. Actually it was super fun. We did shots at midnight and 1am. Honey bourbon and cake vodka, both excellent. Almost, finally, done with the bottle of bourbon I bought in November. The boys played a bunch of metal...which is just not my favorite kind of music at all, but there was a great deal of varied songs played, and sung and danced to last night, so I can't complain too very much. It was nice to just hang loose with friends. K seemed to have the most luck last night, but then again beginner's luck is always nice. By the end of the night he and T had most of the chips.

At the end, I dragged the Ex up to my room and let him sleep with me. It was nice to have a boy in bed, they are warm and I like to hear someone else breathing when I wake up intermittently in the night, it's comforting and let's me know I can go back to sleep. I'd really kind of missed that, so it was sweet and really very nice. Plus, we all knew the cops would be out in force last night and that driving anywhere even a little wasted would very easily ruin your life. Lesson learned, just stay where you are and go to sleep. We're a safe place, so it's never a problem to stay and a good way to wake up to start the new year. I hope everyone had as good a time as I had. :)