The Year In Review

Ah, the last day of 2011 and as normal, I am taking a moment to reflect how this last year has changed me. The wonderful and the horrible all mixed into a set number of days, measuring down my not so free time as a commodity. So, let's just have a think on it.

A year in WORK: At this time last year I am beginning to freak out that I still don't have a job. Unemployment is helping and keeping me calm for about two months, but as Feb nears I am still not closer to an elusive job. I get an offer, but as my new diet is making me rather diluted I lose it before I even start a day there, if you know what I mean. I am devastated and near desperate in May when I do finally get a low-level entry position at the Bullseye. The job has horrific hours and bad pay, but it is a job and I do it. Keep looking...finally get an interview with the State after submitting no less than twenty three applications. Get a job there and it is great, good pay and good hours. Just what I wanted. Then get promoted after one month. I am job awesome --great pay, good hours, work not hard. So, now sitting at job perfect.

A year in LOVE: Decide in February that I am finally right in the head enough to start looking for someone to be with me. I research and chit-chat with boys. In March we stumble upon a rather sweet Nerd Prince. He is severely interesting, sweet, handsome and fun...so we date. In July he takes me to an art museum for my birthday and we get physical. I start having blinding fantasies of him rescuing me from my mundane existence. We break up in August. Not only does this resurrect all the wonderful things I remember about being in love, but we are reminded that it is short and fleeting and the one real person you can depend on is you. Heartbreak rules September. I dust off and we decide to be friends. Start looking again. Good dates, bad dates. Find new boy Mr. No-Show who f*es me around for nearly a month. Find different boy, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, but Physically Available. Have a fling. And that is where I am now. If I could get my Ex-friend and Mr. EU/PU morphed into one boy --I would be married. As yet...I will continue the hunt.

The year in LIFE: As of right now, I have lost a total of 45lbs and I am well on my way to that goal of 130 to 35 as a healthy life weight. I'm really proud of that. It was not easy. I made positive changes in the lives of people I know. Spent some wonderful times out with the Bestie and some nights crying over e-mails from her. Got third in my fantasy football league. Fell in love with Tom Brady and became a Patriots fan. Made some cool new friends, really loved well some of my old ones. Did some awesome things with my family, and worked through some crisis with them. Watched my parents age. Attempted to remain ladylike as much as possible. There were so many good thing and bad things I've lost count, honestly, but it's all been worth it. We rise up strong and proud, true to myself and those who have chosen to love me. I am a work in progress, a pretty picture that changes as you look at it. A fighter with purpose, love, and drive, who is ready for the next challenge ready to face a new year with fervor and delight. Bring it on!!

Good Feeling!

Okay, so tonight, I've got a good feeling. Going on a date at eight, not to be late. Getting all magic-ed up and prepped for date. This is keeping me pretty busy. Should be fun. I hope... Broke a damn nail, now all of them look weird. I really need to go get my acrylics back on and soon.

Tomorrow night we are headed to bowling with the roomies and the Ex, which also promised to be a great time. We are all not huge drinkers, so a drinker's holiday is kind of mute point. However, it has earned me another four day work week, which I am looking forward to (perhaps this weekend I will be able to NOT have some plans and finally get my nails done like I've been promising myself for weeks I would).

I also secured my dental appointment. Yes, it has been an issue for awhile, but at this point I have some time built up so I feel like it will be okay to go in with the new insurance and finally start getting all those teeth problems taken care of --starting with that one in front. It is worth spending the money on and I am really trying to put some good excitement behind it to push me forward.

Quick Witchcraft

Got on ITunes, tempted by an ad for the new Florence album for cheap, ended up getting a bunch of new music. This is one of the new things.

Will blog more later, need to get in the tub. Been doing some writing. Oh, and K's Kitten Christmas went really well, not that I blogged about it because I am lazy. We had dinner out...it was so bad, what I ordered, I had to send it back. It is a rare thing, but it does happen. He got me a new portable hard drive which totally rocks and a Tom Brady action figure, which rocks just as much. I love them both. He is so sweet and his gift's said that he does know me very well. Score another one for the Big K.

Anyway, that's it for now.

Family Pirate!

Ah, so an 'After Christmas' blog. Normally, this would be where I b*tch about the disappointment of getting splendid thoughtful gifts for people and not really receiving what I wanted for Christmas. But, do you want to know something...it's not. I got every single thing I asked for, except a Dick In A Box. And really, I did even get an e-mail from Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, But Physically Available, so I think that equates to it.

Today, sister K helped me put together my office chair that I am sitting on right now and we laid out the new rug and they both are fabulous! I love them. My Tom Brady Jersey is hanging up on the closet door, in its place of severe honor. My sock monkey hat is with my coat for wearing out. On my desk is sitting my new e-reader/tablet which is charging. And the very last thing to be taken out of the box is my new Blueray player so I can hook it up to my TV. I need to get an HDMI cable for it, so it may wait a bit until Pay Day. They are all the awesomest gifts ever. I have nothing left to want.

And this is the best part, it's not even over. K's Kitten Christmas is today. He is coming over to pick me up at 3-ish and we are gonna have even more Christmas fun. I don't want to spoil it, just in case he is reading this, but on top of the two sweaters and sherpa couch blanket that I gave him early, I have something for him to unwrap and a couple little nice stocking stuffers for him. I also got his mom and dad a Christmas lighthouse, because when I was over there for Thanksgiving there were lighthouses everywhere. He said that his mom really liked it so that made me feel about ten feet tall. His general presence in my life is more than enough of a gift for Christmas (introduces me to new music all the time, sends me funny things on e-mail nearly everyday that always cheer me right up if I need it, goes out with me to the symphony and the movies, etc.) so if he did get me anything at all that is just gravy. Sweet, handsome boy.

The bestie liked my Christmas present to her, too. Even though it was too heavy to send, so I had to send her an e-mail of it. She has officially been adopted by my family, as she has recently tested her support system and they failed pretty damn miserably. That is the great part about gypsies, tramps, and thieves like we are...we will take anyone who wants to call themselves us. So, if they are still being jackasses, she's coming to my family Christmas...because she's my family now, Bitches. So, just suck on that one. I stuck a flag in the most awesome member of your family and claimed her. And I'll do it again to anyone I feel like doing it to, so just try to stop me. Call me Skanky H, Family Pirate. Arrr-r-r-rh, come with me and we shall sail the fun-time seas, spreading the unconditional love and support booty amongst us!!

Short Christmas Pictorial

Okay, this one is coffee from Starbucks. It is awesome.

As you can kind of see, R Baby is as excited about my new office chair as I am.

Another fab gift, new e-reader/tablet from K and T. They kept telling me it was a Hickory Smoked Sausage Log. Nice guys, real nice.

And this is only about half the wonderful stuff I got. I am so lucky and really blessed to have a great family who cares about me year round anyway. It makes a big difference, they make a big difference. I love them all, adopted members included, and wish everyone the most merry of holiday seasons!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, People. Drink, be merry, and alway be thankful for the wonderful people and things in our lives. More later, if I'm not too cheery to type. :)

Sock Monkey, That Funky Monkey....

So, what do you get the girl who has everything? How about an extra cool sock monkey hat! My smoke buddy, J, from work, gave this to me today for Christmas. I only got her a card, but she said she is one of those people that when they see something that reminds them of someone they just pick it up and this reminded her of me. I must kick alot more a$$ than I had at first realized if people see sock monkeys and are reminded of me. Or anything really that reminds them of me. I find that to be an incredible compliment.

Also a fun story from work today, so another of my smoke buddies tells me her kid made up a new word. This child could not decide this morning if she was cute or beautiful...so she finally decided she was 'cutiful' (pronounced cute-if-ul). I have decided to pirate the word as I have been looking around for years to find where I fit in on the beauty scale and think that this is it. I'm not totally beautiful....but, I am on occasion squarely quite cute. So, I think it is cute with a little womanly 'umph' added to it and that is what I am. Cutiful. I think much as the word 'awesome' went from actually inspiring 'awe' (as in the awesome power of a deity) to simply meaning the coolest thing ever, used as nearly daily worn out slang, that this word 'cutiful' will indeed catch on and become common place. I think it's perfect for describing those ageless Asian cuties all walking around looking cute, but not quite reaching beautiful. See, it already has a niche.

I also received all three of my de-motivational posters in the mail today and I am totally stoked to put them up in my cubicle. It looks like I will also have to bring in my other LOMA designations as a couple of co-workers caught the director in there, while I was gone, snooping in my cube looking at stuff. It is pretty darn cool in there now, but when I'm done...damn, it is going to be the place to hang out.

Still going hard on the Christmas spirit and as of tomorrow my family will all be in town. I am trying to rest up and I am going to wear my Tom Brady jersey tomorrow for some extra luck. I'm teeth chatteringly excited about presents, not to be materialistic or anything, but I love to see how wonderful and thoughtful everyone's gifts always are and I hope mine stand up and say 'Hey, I Know and Love YOU!', like they should. I very hopeful about it. It makes me wish I had more to give. :)

Ninja Star Wars Mechanized Pirate Sci-Fi Magic!

Hey, blog kids, what's up? Oh, me, I'm doing well. Going and going like usual. I'm really glad I got that last blog off my chest. It feels good to have it out in the open. I dislike secrets, although I still have some. They wear upon the soul, making holes in the fabric of me.

I am full of Christmas anticipation today. I have been cultivating this feeling since I was a kid. That giddy, heart-pounding joy that wells up in you when you run down the stairs on Christmas morning or sneak down early morning with your siblings to take a peek. As I get older I can make this feeling last longer and longer. It really is little more than letting your imagination go and hoping against hope for everything the world can possibly offer you. Impossible dreams that you secretly wish  into possibilities. Another part of it is a repression of my jealousy reflex and my great striving to be grateful for things people do for me, to me, with me, --just for no reason other than they too are good people. It is really making this holiday season go very well for me. I have all next week to be b*tching and disappointed, so I'll just put that all off until then. Right now, comedy is queen and everywhere around me is Carnivale. I've been dancing around in my underwear and feeling good, which should honestly happen more often, but simply doesn't.

I had a really nice time out last night with the Ex. I have no idea if he read yesterday's blog or not. I really don't. We had dinner. It was fun --he's funny and sweet and tries to explain to me some of his tech stuff, which just blows my mind how smart he is. Then we went to Shopko and looked around for Christmas cards that I could give out at work. I also got some very 'me' My Little Pony sticker to put on them and they went over really well today, btw. When we got in the car, he starts singing the My Little Pony theme song (well, what he knows of it). I don't think I have laughed that hard in a very long time. What a guy. What a special, awesome person -it also blew my mind just a little, as well.

I would also like to recognize the bestie right now. She had a member of her family turn on her like a rabid animal. I would really like to take him out and shoot him like Old Yeller, but as this is not an option, even to protect someone I care about as much as I care about my best girlfriend, I simply had to support her and try to make her feel a little better. However, she is handling it...pretty well, with the grace and poise of a real lady in the face of having some pretty terrible things said about her. I hope most sincerely that things start to improve for her. Anyone who says there are no double standards in this world has never had to live as the other half and there are things men can get away with easily that when done by a woman have horrible, degrading consequences. But, she, much like me some days, is a fighter and will eventually come through stronger for having made her choices for herself.

Ah, so, there is the day. Now to sweatpants and snuggling in warm with a smile on my face -ready to do mail for the rest of the year. Ha, ha.

A Very Brady Christmas!

Okay, so yeah, I actually got asked today when the next time I was gonna blog was. Proving that some people do actually read this thing occasionally. So, I promised to be more dutiful about it. This is a picture of my first Christmas present this year (Although I did get a nice bag of coffee from the one really great person in my office, as well). Tom Brady jersey courtesy of my bestie in KY. How hot looking is that? Totally. And can you see the big fat smile on my face? Huh, huh, can you? Yep. That is what love is like. A lot like that.

So, let's discuss why I have not been blogging. And this is the hard part because it takes all the mystery away from me and I can't deny knowledge of these things, etc. I have had the inkling that perhaps, just maybe, the Ex was reading my blog. For insight, which is good, but as we are friends, and good friend at that, there have been some things going on that I did not want to disclose for the sake of his feelings. They say, on the internet, that if you date other people, even if your Ex says he is cool with that and does NOT want to date you anymore, it is extremely bad manners and will ruin a friendship to talk about such things with them. So, as I have been most busy when I have been trying to fit dates into my schedule, I have simply neglected to blog about it. I also, and this is not a good thing I realize, will most always harbor some sort of sad, sick hope that some day my Ex-friend might just turn around and say, "Oh, hey, forgot to tell you, I'm totally in love with you." This will not happen. It never does. I'm smart and I know this, however I just can't seem to shake it --who knows if I ever will, so I repress it and act like it doesn't exist.

With that said, I also did something I have never done this last weekend. I set up a booty call. I have never been very good at separating the emotional quotient from the physical part of loving someone so to protect myself I have always said they must be together. I need to be in love with you to sleep with you. Well....as I have also become more comfortable with being alone and my emotional needs for companionship and dating type affection are being met by someone who wants nothing to do with getting in my pants, I have begun to reconsider this notion. So, what happens when that need for absolute physical comes poking its ugly head around? I called a guy who only wants in my pants and for honesty's sake, let him break the damn door down. I don't love him. I kind of like him, mostly physically, but could also never hear from him again and be totally fine with that. I'd slept with him before so I knew he was clean and safe and really not in it for my mind. I made it clear that I didn't want to date him, I just wanted to break off a piece of ass and have done with it. It was nice and really pretty freeing to have a need satisfied that hadn't been satisfied in a while. It's not even that I feel guilty about it, I don't. But, for some reason I feel like if my Ex-friend would read about it he would judge me harshly and probably stop talking to me because I was little more than a base animal at times.

However, after a great deal of thought, I decided to be true to myself. A life lived full of secrets is only half a life. Lies by omission are still lies. I care about the people I love enough to be honest with them all the time, not just when it is convenient. If my Ex-friend thinks I'm a whore, then hopefully he will tell me that or talk to me about it or something, I respect him enough to discuss it, if it makes him uncomfortable. I will not put my life on hold (again) for a man whose mind I cannot read or shelter him from certain aspects of me that may not be as I think he would like me to be. That's not me. So, the blog continues....from now on, commercial free and all-inclusive.

That's A Big Pile Of....

So, this week kind of flew by. There were some good things and some really crap things that happened, pretty much as usual. Also, as usual, my terrific friends and family have made it so that I mostly remember the good stuff. Bestie has been having problems that number in the millions, but faces them with strength and resilience that I both admire and envy. Sister D lost her job and is suffering from some kind of illness, but hopefully will be back on track soon.

My dating life took a nose dive, but I am almost fully recovered from it, at this point, and...and don't pass this one around as it makes me seem really weak...but having a best guy friend has really made it so I can wait for something better than what all these douchebags are trying to sell me right now. It's gonna be the gold medalist of dating who can actually treat me better than K does, at this point. He may have been unpracticed at first and there are some things he still has to learn about it, but he has morphed into a great real-life representation of a gentleman in my mind. He's kind and sweet, polite and strong, smart and articulate, handsome and open to my suggestions about things, honest and funny. It is to my benefit that he is somewhat shy and takes some time to get to know, because if he were out-going he'd definitely have another girlfriend by now and would have stopped talking to me . I'm kind of dreading that, but have moved passed it abit and as he really is my friend, most of all I want him to be happy. So, should that happen I will suck it up and pretend (at least in front of others) that I'm cool about it. He deserves to fall in love with a pretty girl who will love him the way I wanted to.

And, finally, I wrote a couple more pages on one of my shelved stories. I don't think I'm gonna make my December deadline for publishing, but I am attempting to install a budget which will make that and some car repairs a reality. I've got one check this month to finish my Christmas shopping and pay rent from so there is little wiggle room for going out. Which is also okay, because this year for some strange reason, I have been getting cold sores like once every two months, as opposed to the usual, one every six months or so. It could be stress, it could be a lot of things, but facial leprosy is one of those things that will keep me inside like a damned hermit. So, we work out, we write, we dream our big dreams alone, quietly, we make time for family and friends, we focus on our job and doing that well. It's still a very busy schedule, but filled with less social activities and a bit more staying home. I'm in the playoffs this week for my fantasy football league. I'm hopeful about it, but who knows, it is anyone's game right now. Wish me luck and a little Tom Brady magic.

What Louise and I Have In Common....

And we both ride the fucking bus as of tonight. It's not that the Honda is broken. It's not. Well, the light on the brakes went from yellow to red tonight on the hour long, white knuckled drive home from downtown tonight, but that is not the reason. Okay, so yeah, it is kind of the reason.

With all the f-caking snow and the roads being so awful and parking being heinous (like a six block walk for free parking or a $9 a day charge for the garage), I really had to look at it from an economical stand point. A bus pass costs me $7.50 for 31-days of rides to and from work, and the fifteen minutes extra I would lose in the morning so I can walk to the bus stop on time. While, the Honda costs me a bunch in gas and a bunch in parking. I also am entirely responsible if I hit someone or something happens while I am in the car, this is not so with the bus. Although I would have to put up with weird people on the bus, which I kind of hated the last time I had to ride it like ten years ago.

Still, even fending off weirdos does seem to be a good economical alternative. And if I ride the bus all winter, than by the spring I will have enough money saved up to fix the brakes and get her that tune-up and new tires she needs so desperately. So, I'm gonna suck it up and ride the bus tomorrow. Humble pie tastes awful, but I'm hoping it may have a sweet aftertaste. You do what you have to. If I really needed to I could walk my ass downtown. People walk everywhere. I've got functional legs. So, yeah, it sucks, but tomorrow I'm riding the bus to and from work.

And Another Thing...

While I'm totally angry I will say....my stupid non-existent boyfriend would get me this for Christmas. You know why?...Because even the replica is $70. The real authentic one is $119. But, to a real boyfriend it wouldn't matter. He'd get it for me anyway, because he thinks it's cool that I love NFL football, fantasy football, and Tom Brady. Sure, he might give me some good natured crap about it, but I'd joke right back about the football stuff he obsesses about. It would be so cool. He'd get if for me because he loves me and wants to see me really excited about a ridiculous jersey. Because, it would make him happy to make me happy. He'd think about it and make sure that his Christmas gift was thoughtful and showcased that he really knew me and what I liked. He'd get it for me because he'd be just as excited to see it on me as he would be to see it wadded up on the floor afterward. He'd do it because he would know that every time I put it on I would think about him and smile. That's what it should be like.....that's what love should be like. Sometimes, hope is unbearable.

Nothing In My Way

Okay, so this one has been playing on repeat pretty much all day. The bestie let me have it from her flash drive when we hung out this weekend. And I had a nice busy week last week/weekend. I went to a concert with my roommates and the Ex and it was magnificent and fun. I went shopping with the Bestie and got some new jeans and went down to a size 8 -breaking the double digit jean size I have worn for nearly fifteen years. Plus, I had a date on Thursday and a date on Sunday...with the new boy, S. I was terribly excited about him...but, well there is a reason for the stupid song making horrible sense to me today.

So, Thursday I boned him. I'm not sure why I just jumped right in. I'm like that, a constant leap-without-looking type, feet first into danger. And it was great. I'm not saying I didn't fake it, because I've been faking it so long I'm not sure I even know the difference anymore, but I get that intense sense of accomplishment when they hit the mark. I did well. I did that because I'm amazing. So, it was satisfying. Don't worry about it, I can wait for mine....So, then I went over on Sunday night and it happened again. It was good, but not as good and still didn't get mine. But, it's forgivable, he smells great and it big and tall like I like'em, so there will be a next time. Right? Nope.

An hour after I get home and go to bed, he e-mails me and gives me every lame excuse possible about why it won't work. So, I answer back with my usual bravado. I don't really care, you totally didn't hurt me or anything, enjoy your life, blah, blah, blah. Shit, it's almost a form letter template at this point. For almost the whole day at work I keep it together, but I'm sad, really sad. I'm exhausted from trying to keep up and absolutely disappointed with my results on this one. Plus, there is a lonely echo throbbing through the cavern of my turned-off brain that sounds a lot like, "What if there really is no one out there to love you?"

I am weary of the constant lying, the blustery show with no strength or honor behind it. I am exhausted from looking up from battle and seeing all the princesses standing there waving at their knights. I want to be the princess for a while. And another thing, I'm not sure I learned anything from this one...that's how bland he was, even a dating scientist could not glean anything useful from him. I paid for dinner on both dates. I drove on the icy roads in the middle of the night to see him. I brought the movies. I initiated any messing around we ever did. Fuck that shit, all it does is convince them you'd be a great 'friend' or that you are too insecure to really be demanding. Next time he pays, he makes the moves, he drives to see me, he brings the entertainment. Maybe guys really just want some beautiful girl to treat them like crap --that seems to be the message I'm getting. So be it, no more Miss Nice Girl.

All Things Updated

Sheesh, sorry about the long wait on the blog. I got hella busy. Not like a little busy, crazy-ass busy. So. On Friday last, the bestie got into town and we went out. We met two rather nice gentleman and flirted for a great portion of the night. We started early so I clocked out early too. Very fun. On Saturday, the bestie and I went out and I invited out K (the Ex). Bestie was impressed by this musical knowledge and comfort level around me. We also met up with the boys from the night before, it let me focus on K and gave her someone to talk with so that was good.

Sunday, went to bed early. Monday, night to myself. Tuesday night date...now, this one is a good story. So, we were to meet at Granite City. I got there early and waited for a half hour. He appeared to be another 'no show', went home incredibly angry and frustrated. Waiter felt so bad for me that he let me take home my to-go piece of heartbreak chocolate cake for free. I get an e-mail from the guy and he asks if I stood him up? I was like WTF, you stood me up. So, called his cell which was in the e-mail, and it seems he was at the restaurant while I was, but on the opposite side and both our servers just never looked around like they said they did. So, we meet at Perkins. Talk for three hours, then go home. I get that 'dating kiss of death' the Handshake at the end rather then a good kiss or hug, which kind of sucks because he is handsome and intelligent and really just what I have been looking for. Get overly excited and e-mail him 'Swingers' style saying we should get together because I had a great time. Get a somewhat lukewarm response, then feel silly for doing it at all. Kind of give up.

Wednesday, the bestie and J came over and hung out most of the night at my house. It was nice and we had some good talking going on like usual. Told her all about my date and the ChiWeenie my sister had offered me for free that I want, but turned down because...well, for many reasons, but I still want him really badly anyway. Rather indecisive about that one, even now.

Thanksgiving, I was invited over to the Ex's. Thought it was a little strange that he wants me to meet his parents now that we are totally not dating anymore, but go anyway because I still like him and free food is never turned down. When we pull up to the house in the car he let's me know there will be a bunch of people there. Dang it. Still his family is really nice. His Aunts and Uncles are all sweet people and his parents are a damn riot type hilarious. Everyone was sweet and warm and friendly. Had a lot of fun really. Very aware I still have some residual feelings for the boy because his mom mentioned yet another Wesleyan professor that they know (this one actually plays in the symphony) who is about my age and asks if we had seen her while we were there. I played it off like it was no big deal even though I felt that momentary intense pang of jealousy rise up in my throat, but he said the sweetest thing. He very off-handly just says, "I wasn't even looking for her." It made me feel really proud, like he might only be focused on me when we go out and is a great compliment even if he didn't intend it as one. Even if we are on a shoe string budget right now, it pretty much secured that he is getting a nice Christmas present this year.

This morning. I went to bed at 9pm and woke up bright and early at 3am because it was Black Friday and I wanted to shop. Now I have no money to shop as I have a weird pay schedule, so I went out with my sister and helped her do her shopping. It was fun and she got some really good buys and we had the traditional MacDonald's breakfast at about 5am, then went back to bed and here we are...blogging again about everything. I also managed to find time to send out a bunch of Thanksgiving e-cards that I thought were all really funny. And a nice thank you card in the mail for K's parents. So, there is all that. Today I am also going to a baby shower and tomorrow begins the feeding frenzy that is My family's Thanksgiving activities. :)

Busy Getting Screwed

Wow, so sorry about the long reprieve from the blog. I don't normally do that and it leads to nothing good for me at all. So the story continues.....Everyone has read the previous stuff, right. Mr. No Show became a huge problem. After the last time I told him to piss off this weekend. He called and begged for another chance. We talked for a good hour and he convinced me to give it to him.

So, I was avoiding the blog, because my bestie in her infinite wisdom had asked me please, please, purdy please NOT to speak with this guy again and I was going against this good advice in staying hopeful and speaking with him. Now, nothing good ever comes form out right going around the people who genuinely care about you and their advice. Nothing. Mr. No Show set up two dates with me to make up for his not doing so, one on Wednesday night and one on Thursday.  I was excited. I couldn't help it. I want it to work out. I want someone who will, in fact, be good to me.

Then last night I get the e-mail that once again he is breaking the date. As usual, his excuse is valid. He is putting in an offer on a house. But, it doesn't matter. This was the final straw. I e-mailed him and asked him to stop leading me on. I said that I hated the way he treated me and that it was inconsiderate. I told him I didn't care about his money (he let me know he makes upwards of $70K a year as if that would impress me). I told him I didn't care about his house (I don't like Omaha and I told him this, not to mention I would like to get a house WITH the person I'm going to be with not just live in his.) I said that he simply didn't have the time for me and probably never would, that all I really wanted from him was to know him, be with him and that he couldn't even give me that. Then I told him not to contact me anymore, ever. I'm done with him.

And really I felt bad about it. I still kind of do. It sucks. My sister said, "H, you are too hot to be so understanding. Ugly girls have to be understanding." I laughed and laughed. Yeah, maybe I'm too understanding. I don't know. I never seem to know about these things anymore. I just keep trying until I look pathetic. I needed to really walk away a long, long time ago on this guy. So, no more Mr. No Show. Once again we re-focus on those who really are good to me and care about me and start showing them some love. I am very much looking forward to Best Friends weekend and some real partying.

A Very Twin Peaks Symphany

So, tonight was 'One Thousand and One Nights' at the LSO. It was a good concert. K came over early and I made him cheap food dinner, which consisted of Mac & Cheese, Chicken Fried Steak sandwich, and cheesecake dessert. All in all, not terrible food. Not great or restaurant quality food, but it's something to eat and it won't kill ya. After dinner, he loaded a program on my laptop so I could watch the AVI files he sent me, one of which is the 1980's movie 'Gothic' which I have not seen in years and is one of my very favorite movies. I'm excited to finally get to watch it again, as I all but stole it from my video store when I worked there eons ago, when VHS was THE format.

The symphony was excellent tonight. Very powerful and lively, with some great performances. There was an rythmless old boy behind me that kicked the back of my seat the whole time, but hey, whatever. The second half of the concert there was a guest pianist, whose name was Mark Markham. Poor guy getting a name like that. He also had frilly pretentious pianist hair, all cut for theatricality and movement while he played quite passionately. It was a difficult piece and he did admirably. And he was at the Lied, so he got a standing O like usual. No pantie shots this time as I had planned a better outfit than last time.

But, this fellow was particularly interesting in the fact that he looked very much like the guy from Twin Peaks, Kyle McLaughlin. Dead Ringer, in fact. So, in the car I asked K if he had enjoyed his very special Twin Peaks concert and he bursts out laughing and agrees with me that he did look just the same. It was very, very funny. We laughed and laughed about it. I also told K that I was planning on bringing him out with me and the bestie on Saturday night. I think it would be good for him. Plus, who says 'No, I simply can't hang out with you and your equally hot and fun girlfriend.' No one, that's who. I haven't made a plan yet on what we are doing as we sometimes just play it by ear, but I know that both my bestie and my Ex-BF will have a great time...oh, and I will absolutely have an awesome time. I hope it will be as much fun as tonight was. :)

Nemeses

Great track I discovered while I was bopping around on You Tube. I really love the song....hmmm...hmmm....even the suit has teeth. Lyrically just very cool.

Pizza Rolls

Yo-kay, So what happened with me today....hmm. Mr. No Show, predictably, sent me nothing, even though I sent him another e-mail saying that if he invited me out tonight I would go. I even sent it over a system that uses an android app so I know he got it...because he told me he was having problems with his yahoo mail account. OMG, I am so done with waiting for him to grow a pair. I felt bad and a lot of pity for him, but, it's just done now, he missed f*cking out. On a brighter note, the only boy who really cares, my Ex, sent me something ridiculously funny on the e-mail. Which made me laugh and laugh, then hurt ever so slightly that there seem to be no other animals like him anywhere on this planet. Sigh. So, we made plans for coffee and a movie this evening. The great part is I know it will be totally fun, so I'm very much looking forward to it.

Tonight is my Friday night technically, as a member of the State I get Veteran's day off. I plan on thanking my wonderful veterans by sleeping in tomorrow, maybe even watching some movies in bed. I have not yet decided, but I know it will involve a whole lot of doing nothing, which I am totally excited about.

I have an interview for a newly open internal position. I am also excited about this. The HR rep came in today and asked me to move my interview to today, so I said sure and it was set for 2:30. Well, I am all working right along and 2:30 comes and goes. I check the conference room and the offices and no one is around. Hmmm, odd. So, I just keep waiting. I wait through my break. I wait until I am not sure I can hold it anymore, then have to make a quick trip to the restroom at 3pm. Well, that was when their 1:30 interview finally ended. So, my boss comes over and says we will have to reschedule. He also mentions this woman was 'long winded'. Nice. So, I am all cool about it and say no problem we can do it on Monday, because he knows where I work. So, yeah, really positive.

Oh, and there was an uproar because one of the fat girls there was informed that people were offended when she wore light t-shirts all the time and everyone could see her nipples. Yeah, it bothered me, but I was not the one who complained to HR. So, she is talking about it all day and the dirty old guys in the area are totally on her side that she should be able to let her nipples poke people's eyes out anytime she wishes. I kept my mouth shut. But, yeah, cover it up, I'm pretty liberal, but come on, put a sweater on or something if you can't afford a bra other than a sports bra. Yuck.

Other than that, things just keep rolling along. Weather gets colder, work, very literally, gets poke-ier. We shall see how things go. I have another symphony to go to on Sunday night with K. I already have my outfit all picked out for it. Wish I had a little more money and that I was a little thinner and a little more patient. Still, that is a lot of really good stuff now that I re-read this. Cool.

Popular?

There was perhaps a time when I had resigned myself to being this cat lady in the picture, only with wiener dogs. They do provide a great deal of heat. But, somehow with the new job and the weight loss, I have become....hold your breath, wait for it.....popular, somehow.

And I'm not dealing very well with it. Really, I don't know how to handle it...I've never been popular. I have one or two good friends and look around constantly for a nice boyfriend, but that's it. So, in the last day after...being less than kind to Mr. No Show...who called no less than three times to beg forgiveness and try to set something up. I also got an offer to meet with another dude, S, who seems...okay, I suppose, on the dating website. Which I kind of got back on out of shear spite. He texts articulately, which is a new one and very appealing, I won't lie. He is into sports and has a good job. Then, I am out with girlfriends last night and one of them says, 'I have his friend of mine's brother who would like to be hooked up with a girl? What do you think about that?' And I think on it for a minute and I say, 'Well, I can't really turn down a date, so I suppose yes.' So, she may be 'hooking me up' with some dude in the near future. It would still be a very blind date, I'm sure. Then there is the absolute conundrum of my Ex, who, to put it very simply, is the best date ever and only gets better as I know him longer (which NEVER happens, like ever), who I would rather just hang out with than take that crappy first date plunge with any other guy and simply, unknowingly keeps pulling at that ducktape I have all over my heart, at this point. Even my family likes him and they keep asking me what I did wrong on that one. I honestly wish I knew, People. What to do...what to do.

I'm starting to get alittle afraid. I have no idea what they want anymore....offer them sex and they don't want sex. Offer them caring and nurturing and they don't want that. Offer to listen and they don't feel like talking. It's like an odd push and pull tango. Forward, forward, back, back. I rather wish it were simple...uhm, let's see, you right there, I'll take you. That's it, deal done. Everything is so complex. I like you, but you don't like me....or I like you, but you seem to be a liar and yank my chain all the time.....or I'm very loyal and you prefer to cheat with anything that will hold still long enough.

One works to improve one's self, but then all kinds of people talk about you behind your back at work because they are 300lbs and you work out. Or that guy at work who sees you every day finds subtle ways to make you feel kind of harassed -like you wear a blue dress and he plays songs about girls in blue dresses or you wear jeans and he plays 'Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On' by Mel McDaniel or you are thirty years younger than him and he plays 'Born Too Late' by the Poni-tails...the list goes on. It's starting to wear on my tolerance just a little. It makes me wish just a bit that they would all leave me alone....except for K, of course, who I wish was interested still and simply isn't. Yep, all tied up in my mind about this. Can't stand to ponder it anymore. I never thought I would ever have a time when I was worried about too many boys liking me...I just want one.

Been Had

Okay, this one has to be quick as I am headed to work, but I thought I would let everyone know that I am a gullible idiot.

Mr. No Show has been telling me that he is in the hospital in Omaha with a severe case of pneumonia. I have been feeling really bad for him and sending him e-mails and even calling him --only to get no responses or have to leave messages. I thought this was because he was very sick. So, this morning I get onto the dating website and go to his profile and wouldn't you know it, that loser got on-line right after he made me leave a message on his phone. Too sick to talk to me or respond to an e-mail, but not too sick to stay off the dating website. So,  I sent him an e-mail to tell him to lose my number and forget that I ever talked to him. What a f*cking jackass.

I am so mad that I believe him even for a second. Boys are awful liars and I know better at this point. I swear it's like I put the 'hopeless' in hopeless romantic somedays. 

Con Pictorial Two

After finishing that Pokemon, Bear wanted some of my Mt. Dew. I told him to piss right off.

Sister A finally found her perfect boyfriend. And oddly, it was not Horse-amatron, like we all figured it would be.

My little sisters, being themselves.

Furries, for dudes who like to touch hot chicks in costumes on the butt and get away scott free.

Now, these are what Big, Bad Wolves look like, Kids. Just kidding, they were all very nice...ooh and so soft. :)

Bear teaching me how to growl properly. He's really good at it. I could use some practice.

Ah, I thought he was a little short to be a storm trooper. I am such a fan girl. I love the troopers. And from the look of it, so does Bear. Naughty Bear.

I can drive that loader....OMG there are Predators all over this place.

No Iron Man? Yeah, I'll settle for War Machine, he'll do fine.

Sister D found her own Jack Harkness. She spotted him immediately. Somebody watches way too much Torchwood.

Yeah, well, no bear is perfect. Even after the Pokemon, he was just a little hungry. Luckily A was right there to pull him off. We all looked pretty delicious. I understand the temptation was just too much for him. Poor Baby.

Con Pictorial

Made a new friend. Bear is teaching me how to stalk prey.

Yeah, I know the King and, yeah, he's totally creepy in person.

OMG Wicket is super cute in person.

Hey, I'm super cute in person, too. When I told D a 'short' kimono, she interpreted this as needing to show some cheek --I luckily had brought leggings. Luckily.

Bear got hungry and ate a f*cking Pokemon. Damn it, Bear.

Help me, Obi-Won Kinobi, You're my last hope....

Well, maybe not my last hope....I found this furry storm trooper.

Okay, Bear, was that a boy in drag or a very flat real girl or a girl that looked like a boy in drag?

The three of us in our costumes. Having a fabulous time at Nebraskon 2011. D made all three costumes, inspired by Transformers for A. I'm supposed to be homaging Bumblebee, A is Optimus Prime, and D would be Red Alert. Really, we looked like a bunch of primary colored geisha, but fabulous geisha nonetheless.

Settling Down

Ha, ha, so...last night after Mr. No Show e-mailed me, I e-mailed K because I was pissed and already dressed up. And do you know what? He e-mailed me back in like ten minutes and we went for coffee. I even invited him back to my place for some MST3K shorts, which were hilarious. I mean, he didn't really look incredibly comfortable (the only place to sit is my bed, so I get it) but, it was still fun and I know that if I keep showing him that I will not rape him, eventually he will relax. Eventually.

Mr. No Show called right after I left the house for coffee. The roomates told him I had gone for coffee. So, he even e-mailed me two hours later and told me he had tried to call and invite me out. So, I guess I was supposed to be waiting at home for his call, as he seemed a little miffed about it. Not my fault he can't make a plan and stick to it. I e-mailed him and asked him to schedule something on Sunday, but have yet to get a response. He just won't schedule anything. He wants to be able to call me and have me run....and that shit just doesn't fly with me. I'm not that girl...not sure if he knows that one yet, but he should. That kind of behaviour indicates a direct lack of consideration for the individual. Duh. Yeah, I know you're busy....guess what...I'm busy, too.

I have to admit. I am normally a very 'on top' of my feelings person, but these boys lately have been confusing me. I understand K is a friend, and a very good one at that, but why is he the perfect boyfriend suddenly that I can't have? And the boys who come on strong and talk dirty, exciting talk can't seem to even schedule a date on which to make good on some of these sexual promises. It seems kind of unfair. It's not even really hard to date me --most of the time I pay for my own stuff, I'm funny and easy-going, and not just that....shit, I'm easy in all senses of the word, all they really have to do is ask and use protection. Come on. I'm unbelievably thoughtful, I make stuff for them, I buy them gifts, I wear some of the nicest clothes. I shave and put on date underwear for every boy. I make sure I use products that keep my skin and hair incredibly soft. I even work out so I can rock the top and they don't have to do any work. What the hell is going on? Sigh. I guess I just keep trying. It seems I have become, indeed, Prettier, Smarter, Funnier, but that a lot less single part is f*cking killing me.

On a positive note, the bestie is doing alright. Things are not perfect, but she is okay and will continue to be, I'm sure. The turmoil around the house has calmed and seems to have blown over. My work is still good and I have today off, which is blissful (I totally slept in today). I have a fun weekend with sisters 4 and 5 and it should be a very good time. I have a slight sinus headache, but it is going away.

Kitty Amazing!

Dude, I laugh every single time  I watch this one. So, things since Monday....hmmm. Halloween was fun. Work was okay, it's still kind of fun most days. There was an incident on Tuesday where someone brought donuts than no one said they would take them home. So, I said I would take them home and a half hour after that the box mysteriously disappeared (which I will say hurt my feelings a little, but fuck it they are just stupid donuts, who cares).

Last night, I had dinner with K at Rib Ranch. We discussed his vacation last week and he got me a little magnet from the museum, which I kind of was jealous I did not get to see. He had a good time and that is a good thing. Then he broke a cardinal rule and asked me for some fashion advice. Bam. I wanted to dress him like a damn paper doll, so I made up a little fashion manual for him to take with him when he went shopping for new work clothes for his new job. I hope he gets a couple of the things on there as I would love to see him update his style alittle. Not that I totally want him wandering around looking totally hot so all the girlies after him make it so he has no time for important things --like me, but he could be very, very good looking in the appropriate attire. And as a friend, I want that for him.

Also, on the menu for the evening may be....and this is a definite maybe....date with the boy I am terming 'Mr. No Show' as it has been a long time coming for him to set something up. Still, I am mildly excited to see what he comes up with. Who knows, it could be good, gotta keep an open mind, I suppose. Ah, wait a second....I just got an e-mail that says he is still sick so now he wants to move it to Sunday night, if I get home from the conference early. Not gonna lie. Really, really disappointed about this. Fuck.

And....the bestie has been incommunicado for like four or five days. I'm starting to get really worried about her. There was a rash of relationship problems floating in her neck of the woods and to put it mildly, they have been all around lately. Like scary bad problems. And her lack of communication is always a good indicator that something is wrong. So, if I don't blog for a few days, it will be because I am in KY forming a search party for her. 

Halloween Pictorial

Big Chip, Little Chip

Devilishly fantastic

Irony is all around us, all we have to do is take pictures of it.

Rachel and Rowan

Roooaa-r-r-r-r-r-r!

I'll have one of these, and one of these, and one of these.....

Rowan and Kristen

Gimme that CANDY!

Great Friday Night

Okay, so at some things I may fail miserably. Right now this pertains to some personal things and to my fantasy football league, where after a horrific Ravens/Jags game I fell to sixth. I also got stood up this week and to put it lightly I am having 'problems at home'. All of this does not mean I had a bad week.

This weeks saviour and really one of the more positive things, has been my friendship with my Ex-BF. We went out on Tuesday night and had a really fun time. And yesterday when I e-mailed him and all but begged him to go out with me again on Friday night --he totally did. He listened to me blah, blah, blah about all my stupid problems and genuinely cared if I was okay. He even let me go over to his house and watched movies with me almost all night, even though he was packing for a trip this weekend, doing laundry, and probably had better things to do. What a sincerely good person. What a spectacularly great friend he is.

I had so much fun. OMG, so much fun. It totally made me forget all the crappy things that had gone on this week and remember that I had a good weekend coming up and that things would be okay. We watched the X-men Rifftrax, above is an except. It was really funny and we laughed and laughed. Then we watched a bunch of the shorts and they were totally hilarious. It was super nice to just sit together on the couch and laugh and laugh. I think he may qualify now as my best 'guy' friend. I've never had a guy friend. I always thought it was true that all they really wanted was in my pants. He doesn't, he just really enjoys talking to me and being around me --so at first I didn't really understand that. It's an entirely new thing. I think I really like it.

It solidified in my mind the fact that we would be friends. Even when I get a new boyfriend, even when he gets a new girlfriend. I'm going to be his friend. We will find the time to hang out. We will still do things together. It is a good thing, a fun thing. He is a great person and a really wonderful friend. He didn't even care that I wore sweatpants (I needed a comfortable night. I simply can't dress up all the damn time.) He really cheered me up and gave me a safe, good place to be when I needed a little bit of cover. I hope someday I can return the favor for him. It meant a lot that he did it, even though it might have been inconvenient.

You know, I thought once we broke up that I would just hate him like I hate my other Ex, just clear him from my mind. But, my other Ex was just not a good person, that was what was wrong with him and that is the biggest difference. I meant it when I said I loved him a few months ago, even now that has not wavered, but it has changed. There are all different kinds of loving. He has carved out his own new category of love from me. It is a pleasantly surprising thing to realize and I'm happy that he taught me it existed. F*ck that 'friend zone' bullshit, this is a really good thing and I'm glad we have it.

Life Bar at Full Again.

So, what did you do yesterday? Oh, me, yeah, it was the first night I have had no plans for a very long time so...when I got home I changed my clothes laid down and went to bed. That's right, I slept all night until this morning and I have to tell you, I feel pretty good about it. I feel well rested finally and like I might be back on track to do more things today. Sometimes you just need a night like that.

Not to mention that there was still a bunch of discord in my home so I wanted to stay out of the way. I'm not sure how that one will turn out, but we shall see. Tonight, when I get home, we will be tackling some cleaning that I have left for a while 'until I had time', which appears to be now. It's not going to be fun, but it does have to be done. And that is really about it. About to re-domesticate myself a little.

What I decide.

Okay, so what's been happening with me lately....work is going really well, still. I trained on the phones for reception yesterday. They will be fairly easy. The system is much older than any I have worked with previously, but it is simple and gets the job done. Work has been good for the most part. It is hard to believe that after this week I will have been there for a full month. Wow. Time flies when you job is simple and easy. It's refreshing.

Had a really lovely dinner and coffee with the Ex last night. He is also doing really well. Getting ready to transition from one job to another. He's a little bit more marketable than I am so he got the new place to pay for his parking downtown. It will be kind of fun to have him close down there. I think we will probably get to go out to lunch once in a while together which will also be fun. I am still debating about what I will do when the snow hits --as far as actually driving or having to take the bus (which is just plain boiling down to being cheaper.)

The roommates are in discord. My sister has been talking to her friend at work about divorce and she is really very dissatisfied with many of her husband's behavioural problems which have never changed over years and years and they still fight about them. I will always support my sister, but I don't know if divorce is the right option. But, I'm not in the relationship so I really have no say....mine is to stand back and support my sister. I guess we shall see what she does. It has been kind of tense here nonetheless.

On the 'dating' front, I got no less than eight (not an exaggeration here) e-mails begging for forgiveness from the random who stood me up on Monday night. So, I carefully considered everything and e-mailed him back with a stern condemnation of his actions and giving him one last chance. One, that's it. So, he is going to set something up....and it damn sure had better impress me. I have shaken off the initial self-doubts and anger about the whole thing. Sometimes timing sucks, sometimes horrible things happen that we cannot control. You have to roll with the punches. Being brave and strong is not easy, but it is achievable if you have the stamina for it --which luckily I do.

I am excited for Halloween this year, as I am going to dress up for work. I have not totally decided what the costume will be yet. It is between an Emo Kid and Poirot. Either costume will be fun, I just have to decide which would be more work appropriate. I will, of course, post pictures no matter what I decide.

Some Boys

Some boys....don't know how to show up to a date. Some boys....will never be getting in my pants because they stood me up and left me sitting alone in a bar for two hours and never showed up. Some boys made me cry even though I've never met them in person and gave them a bunch of chances to be a good person which they threw back in my face.

I, thus far understood that 'putting yourself out there' was hard, but I feel humiliated and stupid. He could have at least called and he did not. What a low-life. What a fucking scam. I am so tired of trying to please and trying to be nice and polite and....failing at this. Miserably failing at love of any kind. I am so...,just mad and sad about it at the same time. I'm hurt and angry. I hate all boys. They are inconsiderate, insensitive pricks. And I don't need them. Any of them. I'm just gonna be by myself, forever and ever. I'll get another dog to love because it can not escape and will love me because I feed it. Fuck all of it. I am sick and tired of trying to make sense of it anymore. I don't get it and I never will. My heart is a gaping. sticky wound in the center of my chest, sandpappered and scraped open by too much hoping and misplaced over-confidence. Time to duck-tape that fucker closed again.

Just music for now....

Good Advice

Okay, so the weekend went by incredibly quickly. There was some stuff on Friday that pissed me off, but we are back to our creamy smooth center once more.

The drive was windy and slightly exhausting, but nothing special. I always have a pretty good time if I'm taking a trip with K, she is good easy company and we have the same sense of humor which makes things a lot better. Plus the weather in general was really pretty darn sweet for October. Grandma had a nice time we hung out and went shopping and just generally were together. She is doing well. Sister A showed up because the laundry machines in her dorms broke, so it was nice to also have her there. We kept things low-key. Then came back today around 4pm. So, I still pretty much have my night to myself before the whole 'back to work' thing tomorrow.

Sometimes with the whole blog thing I like to pass on some good advice or what-not that was passed to me. Recently I got extremely over-stressed out and had a couple of days when I did not get enough sleep which brought on a bout of facial leprosy in my nose (a cold sore for the uninitiated to my blog). I hate them. HATE them. They hurt and look horrifying and I did nothing promiscuous or dirty to get them. Anyway, when it started to show, there was a lovely woman at my work who stopped me and said 'Have you tried L-lysine for your cold sore?' I was like, "Tried what?" She explained that she took a supplement for it and that it helped her immensely. Then, proving that some people really are just nice people, the next day she brought in a whole bottle of it and some info she had printed off the internet about it for me, without even being asked. So, I figured I had nothing really to lose and took some on Saturday. Now, I have tried a bunch of creams and supplements all of them either made it worse or didn't do anything. This stuff has made it nearly disappear in one day. I'm not kidding. So, I am passing it on. This works. I am taking it everyday now. And anyone who gets these should be taking it too. No joke.

So, I guess that is really a positive thing. I wanted other people to know. It is nice to be able to do something about it now, rather than just be habitually humiliated and embarrassed about my face for weeks at a time. I have a pretty face and I should be able to be proud of that.