Hey, aren't you a fox?

Oka-a-ay, so I thought the day was going well. I should have known better -I once again fooled myself into a lovely place of denial and happy thoughts. So, what's bringing me low you would ask...

Woke up like a heat attack victim at 5:13 am this morning, from a horrific spinning nightmare, which went a little something like this. Making out with BF, this is the good part, however, he insists I sleep upon the couch if I stay at his place. So, in the dream I go to sleep on the couch, and wake up naked in the middle of his family Christmas. Holy Sh*t. I don't know anyone and everyone is pointing and saying things about how slutty I am. It was humiliating. I woke up shaking and sweating, with that general feeling of dread and anxiety that lasts all day.

I went back to sleep to try and get some rest (as I will be closing for the first time tonight), sleep in until 11:00 am, having repeat of previous dream. Roll out feeling like I have been jogging all night. Go downstairs and roommate T is eating MacDonald's says straight out -didn't get any for you (however he did get some for K because hers in the fridge when I go to get at pop). Not terrible, I don't really expect him too, but boy, it smelled really good. Take vitamins, K has walked to get her nails done. I wish once more I could afford to get mine done. Scribbled on a pad on the table is a note saying that I should do the dishes --even though T has had the whole weekend to do nothing but sit on his ass.

Fine, do the dishes angrily, not really caring if they get clean. Pissed off now. Finish dishes, go back up to check e-mail and have e-mail from previous work saying that the two rather low level CS positions I applied for will not be calling me for interviews. Odd -and depressing and frustrating. I thought I left the company on good terms, but it seems to me the company may not have had the same feelings for me. Oh, well, will look elsewhere for supplementary employment. Still, it does not help my general malaise. I had been a little excited to go back and have a normal schedule. Rather sad.

So, that is about up to now. However, rays of sunshine --the BF send me an audio book, which is really very good. I have listened to the first chapter and it is enthralling. Thank you, Sweet Loving Boy. Also, bestie's blog is up and she is doing fun things which make me smile. She is so funny. Very uplifting just when you need it.

With that said, I am in the tub to clean up before work and pray that work will not be super crappy tonight. As shift ends at Midnight, I will probably be coming home and straight hop into bed. Wednesday's agenda will begin with searching for more fun jobs, etc. and probably listening to the whole rest of the audiobook, which is free by the way.

Which, if the readerships is interested, is:
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-disappear-completely/id117388236

So, we attempt to keep our head down today and blend in with the crowd --"What, me? No, I'm not a fox, I'm just a silly red dog. Foxes, can't stand'em."

I'm number ONE!

This one is for all the firsties reading the blog --I'm a solid number one in my family. I love it. There are many, many good things about being first. I have four little sisters so I handed things down. I was supposed to set the ground rules and precedents --however, I did not do most of that. Everyone is different. The first is supposed to be your leader blah, blah, the second would be the diplomat. I find that really my second sister is the leader and I am more the diplomat --most of the time. But, it boils down better to I'm the brain and she is the brawn (in a pretty way).

Although all the dating/parenting articles about birth order seem to have every opinion possible --I seem to gravitate to firsts. Best friend -firstie, boyfriend -firstie, Ex -firstie. It is so weird when I look at it but there are enough of them to make for a whopper of a coincidence. Strange. It was on my mind today as the BF is going to see his little brother today. Every once in a while, in conversation, I will get the feeling that he would love to be doing what his brother is doing right now -which is in school for philosophy, if I understood him correctly.

As I have settle squarely into the 'Striver' category, not the 'Achiever' category I long for, I can empathize with how hard it can be to see a family member doing really well, and feeling like I might not be doing, let's just say, as well for now. However, as mentioned previously, everyone is different. Success is measure by us, ourselves. I may not be totally successful by everyone's standards -but, I'm working things out. School, yeah, still working on that one, but so close I can taste it. Career, so I'm working at Target, so what, it's for money. Family, I've got a great one. Friends, they are frigging awesome. Here's a new one --social life --hey, I've got one and it's fun. Hopes and Dreams, I took a year off working to write and I have some great material, just gotta keep plugging away on it and I can make them come true, in a publishing sense. Health, I did lose another pound and that torturous job seems to be helping stay active (not that I wasn't super fine beforehand, but I am just getting hotter looking which is a plus). Hey, that is a really great list! Not too bad at all.

So, after a much needed auto foot massage, I got up and cleaned my room top to bottom. Moved some furniture, swept the floors, took a cigarette break and danced around my room, did laundry, and ate a bowl of coleslaw. Tonight's agenda is to take a long hot bubble bath and paint my toes. Oh, and actually take the time to redo all my erased playlists on ITunes, which I have been putting off as I am a little lazy.

Oh, and just in case your interest was piqued by the 'Boyfriend Travel Game' these are the tracks I sent:

Night One: http://youtu.be/I26-ZRQBxA8
Night Two: http://youtu.be/ptVKfiE0O5M
Night Three: http://youtu.be/ImKY6TZEyrI
Night Four: http://youtu.be/B3kFPBtc9BE and http://youtu.be/jJOzdLwvTHA
Tonight's: http://youtu.be/aHx4BlF6V2o

I think they are all pretty good. We shall see when he gets back which ones he liked. Or I do take suggestions and requests. :)

On the Oregon Trail of life...

This one is a little warning to all my traveling friends and loved ones. Be safe hauling ass in your wagons westward (or eastward for that matter) on those trails. People drive too fast and don't look around enough. Be so very careful as you are important to me and I would like to have all of you back safe after your various weekend activities. Wear that seat belt and go just a little slower for me because it's not that important to make it any place faster if you never make it. Oh, and avoid dysentery, if possible, and if I remember correctly from the game, snakes, as well.

Oddly, on a weekend when just about everyone I know is out of town, headed for fun summer activities, I am at home waiting to go to work and working the whole damn weekend pretty much after that, which blows --totally blows. I'm not jealous, per say, but it does give one the distinct feeling of being left out. Still, I can't say much, I need the work and the pay check from it pretty badly, at this point, and really my idea of 'roughing it' is staying at a Motel 6, so camping has never really been my thing. There are bugs and too much sun and awful things happen like when you roast marshmallows they get sticky all over ya and you have no place to wash thoroughly enough to get not sticky for three days. Yuck. Still, I like the way fire smells outside and hanging out with people.

As mentioned previously the BF is off to the races, so Thursday night I invented a new game, which I thought the readership might enjoy as some of them also have boys who travel extensively. It's called simply enough 'The Boyfriend Travel Game'. And how it works is that every night I send the BF a song, to let him know I am thinking about him. I know it's a little sappy, but it's like putting a note inside a lunchbox. Kind of a sweet surprise, a little surprise kiss. Gives ya that quick feeling of warm fuzzy good, like an arm tossed over you in the middle of the night saying 'Hey, I'm right here.' So, I kind of tailored the songs to be little catchy romantic things. He seemed to enjoy it. This same effect can be achieved by putting a little note in their suitcase before they leave for somewhere, as well, or like I said in a lunchbox.

When I was a very much younger girl, I had forgotten something important and my Dad had to bring it to school for me (let's just say it was of the feminine variety and I could not live without it). When he dropped it off, he uncomfortably handed me a big brown paper bag and gave me a hug and left. So, I ran down the stairs to the restroom. When I opened it up there were a variety of feminine products, but on top of all of them were about five Lil Debbie brownies and jelly rolls. It was his way of saying he cared, that he loved me and wanted me to have a good day, and I will never forget it. So, I try subtly sometimes to affect people the same way --you can never tell the moments that people will remember, but I try to make them like that. Subtle, tactful reminders that I care.

I love Indiana Jones!

Finally, the apology I've been waiting for....F you, George Lucas.

Chemistry

Okay, we this evening my sister K and sister D went to see Thor. We had a wonderful coupon that got us all in for $5, which is one of the best coupons I have signed up for ever really. I love movies. I watch a lot of them --like a lot. I've seen some great stuff and I have seen some real stinkers. I will admit that I like superhero movies --and luckily there have been a lot of them out in the last five or so years. I loved the PS at the end of the first Iron Man movie that let you know that if this one made enough money they would be working on an Avengers movie. I have kind of been watching the individual backstory movies to prep for that. I did not like any of the Hulk ones so far, even the Edward Norton one which had an excellent performance by Tim Roth. I did, however like the Iron Man movies very much and think that really they cast those pretty perfectly. I love Robert Downey, Jr.

So, what did the Thor movie and this blog up until today have in common? --They both had nothing to do with chemistry. Thor itself was a rather fun, effects heavy superhero movie. And if you go in expecting that you will walk out satisfied. It had a nice cast --although the romance between Thor and Jane Scientist had nothing in it. It was as flat as Natalie Portman, people. And really that's like pretty flat. When they kissed at the end, I honestly had to look away, there was just nothing that made me want them to end up together, so then really, you are just watching two actors paid to kiss one another. Stellan Skarsgard, was solid -funny and endearing, and the villain, Tom Hiddleston as Loki was very good, as well.

The comedy was a little overplayed. Especially, (spoiler here) the three times Thor gets hit by cars. The hospital one was the funny one, the others were a good build, but they were positioned too closely in the film to really be appreciated. Much like Spielberg talked about the scares in 'Jaws' --you just can't get away with doing them so close together. Now the big shocker for me, not having followed the buzz up to going to the movie, was that it was directed by Kenneth Branagh. --If he can pull so much chemistry out of 'Much Ado About Nothing', why did the romance in this fail so miserably? I was shocked. Anyway, I guess I may have expected too much out of that and that is why it disappointed me. Oddly, I felt like Stark and Pepper had great chemistry. This just did not do it for me. But, with that said, it is a fine action movie, some moments were visually stunning and CGI seemed to be integrated fairly well, not super well, but better that 'Clash of the Titans', etc.

And honestly, my sisters are now in love with Chris Chenworth, who was Thor and does have a nice body. I am more of an Iron Man girl, so I will stick with my Tony Stark, thank you very much. I am a sucker for those smart boys. I will say the Captain America trailer looked intriguing. I may have to go see that one as I really liked Chris Evans in 'The Losers' and 'Scott Pilgrim vs. The World', even though the CGI was highly visible even in the preview. I know the Avengers movie is already filming so I am still waiting on that one, but I will definitely go see that. And for the record, this one was worth the $5 I paid to get in.

And I don't care how cool Samuel L. Jackson is, every time he walks on the screen, ah la the PS as Nick Fury, I think in my head --"I'm just so tired of these m*therf*cking snakes on this m*therf*cking plane!" Me too, Big Sam, me too.

Don't Stop, Get it, Get it...

Trollin' youtube and ran over this track -two great songs I liked very much --made into one great song I really like, as well. Check it out, Bogs and Ghouls.

Also, if you're a fan there is a Daft Punk vs. Gorillaz mashup -DARE Funk which was spectacular. Really cool. Will blog again tonight after the movie. Peace out.

My Dawgs Are Barkin'!

Okay, so work tonight felt as though I wore these shoes in the picture all night. I would give my last bloody dime for a foot massage. And I am not a wuss. I have had doctors and dentist who have commented that I have a very high threshold for pain. Long intense aching pain --but my feet hurt so badly I could just scream right now. I don't know --my shoes are great, they're Nike Woman's Cross Trainers (I know because I buy a new pair every year and they are one of those things I don't skimp on as far as cost, because they are worth it), but the shoes seem to make little or no difference tonight. Ow, ow, ow.

Had a very positive conversation with old work today about getting back in. I thought it went well, but what do I know. I just stay positive and let things happen right now. Also, got asked at current job if that was my only job -which as commented on in the last post is a fairly regular thing to have two jobs when working there. I am a little slow at putting things out, but I'm sure I'll get faster. We shall see. All I have to do is try my best and have a smile on my face and I can do that.

Got home and was the only one who did not get to eat out tonight. The fam was in town briefly for my mom's stress test (which went well) and they went out to eat, and the roommates went out for Runza. I had a cheese snack before I went to work, but no out food. So, I felt somewhat left out, which sucks. I'm hungry, in pain, and no one really cares. Sigh --well, that is how life goes some nights. Best put on my big girl jammies and suck it up. I'm sure some pain medicine and some sleep will help.

Honestly, I used to muse that if someone showed no outward signs of pain --did pain really exist? I say 'no', but in discussing the concept one time with someone I can't quite remember they said that if it is a swelling or something there would be indications in the muscles of pain anyway, so 'yes' it would.  That one is always followed by my 'What if you saw purple differently than everyone. Like when you saw an apple it was purple, but everyone said it was red so even though you saw it, and all red things, as purple, you would call it red. You wouldn't know any different maybe.' Someone said that the cones in our eyes determine color so we all see the same colors --but, secretly, I think sometimes wires in the brain get crossed and it could be possible. It seems possible to me.

So, tomorrow is gonna be good. I swear. Day off, so that is a plus right off the bat. And tomorrow I'm using my theater coupon to take a couple sisters to that movie Thor. It looks cheesy and good, and the BF did enjoy it when he saw it so, it should  be fun. Other than that I am doing a bunch of cleaning and probably working-out like usual. Yeah, real fun. I want to comfort my aching arches with some late night MacDonald's I feel like I deserve it --however, I'm not sure I can hobble to the car. Better just go to bed.

What's A Shark To Do?

Hey ya, It's me. I wanted to wait until after work to publish tonight. Boy, oh, boy. I felt a little shafted after my last shift so I got on-line and contacted my previous employer. They e-mailed me back today in a semi-positive manner. This does not mean I will quit the job I have currently, but it is pretty funny that every person I have spoken to at that place has another job on the side, if that tells you anything about the pay.

My feet ache. And this was not a long shift. I did finally locate where the schedule was and my next week is slightly horrific. I have an over Memorial Day Weekend 8hr shift, then two 7 hr shifts in the week (one squarely over the top of an already planned date which totally pisses me off.  I was going to go to the planetarium with my bf. It was going to be fun.) and then a whopping 8.5 hr shift on Saturday. And almost all of them are until store close, so Midnight. Like three-ish to Midnight. That is f-caking-crazy. Especially when I told them I wanted days. So, while I was thinking about working the two jobs this schedule had definitely given me something to think about. And not in the most positive way.

I also broke a nail at the very beginning of my shift. Broke A Nail! As a long standing wolf wearing sheepskin couture, I am just not sure that place is prepared for me. Moreover, what is shark supposed to do? I won't say it is all bad. I like working on the floor and it is pretty easy. I seem to be good at it. And I will be more comfortable the more I do it. The trainers have been really great, most of the people are pretty nice. But, there are no beverages allowed on the floor and I cannot go 8 hrs without Mt. Dew which could mean I'm downing a bottle on my breaks and lunch. Super. So, we are still very much in a sort of trial period of tentative 'like' with it.

Now I am super upset that I have to reschedule my date. And this job, if the shifts continue like this, is not going to be good for my writing as most it is done at night. I feel like I finally get some personal things in order and that bastard 'the man' is hunting them down to destroy them. Bye, bye, Social Life, and see ya later, Hopes and Dreams. Damn it. I'm not going to lose these things simply for money. They make more money everyday. How often does a really great special guy come along? Not often.

So, tonight we work viciously to prepare a second submission for publishing. If I can start making my hopes and dreams make me some damn money, then I can just be a writer. The pressure is on now. I must be good.  I must be better, best at this, in order to get something out of it. So, tonight we push harder, type faster, describe in more detail, make it funnier, and edit out all cultural references. Maybe I just need to stop whining about how crappy work is and really start focusing on what matters.  I will reschedule my date even though  I totally wanted to go to the planetarium with my bf and it only has shows on Thursday and Saturday/Sunday when I am working. I will figure out something fun and we will have a good time. That is all there is too it. Determination firmly back in place, we face the pelting cold rain of insecurity, work, and disappointment. No backing down, no being paralyzed with fear, no more self doubt --just jump up from the water and bite the sky, because that is what a shark does.

Missing My Buddy

So, maybe it's the stupid music video, maybe it's the weather, maybe it's something else, but today I miss my dog. I miss him a whole bunch. So, in between the errands this morning and the dinner plans I have this evening. I wanted to talk about it --in the anonymous way that working through things in my secret diary blog helps me talk things out.

I got that dog in the same way that some people have a baby when they see their relationship is ending to try and save it. I had been with my ex-bf for six years and I wanted a dog. So, I got one. In much the same way that that baby may not save a marriage, the dog had little to do with how it ended. However, after being cheated on and left, he really helped me to get out of bed everyday and continue to live and grow afterwards. He seemed to understand that that guy was not coming back so it was okay to take up his side of the bed and he was always more than willing to lick salty wet tears off my face (probably because he liked salty things, but I didn't mind).

Even being allergic to him, I kept him. After we had survived the ending of a long-terminal relationship you might think that would be it. But, Cosmo was a dachshund, prone to back injury and hurt his back.  I was too poor to go to K state for the surgery, but I did my best. He was on medicines for two years and we would do therapy together and I would help him go to the bathroom (which is something I never though I would do). It was tough, some days it was massively tough. Doing it alone was even tougher, but we always had each other and he depended on me. In October, he had to be put to sleep. I made the decision and it was the right decision for him and for me. I don't regret it, but I miss him terribly sometimes. I will wake up, thinking I hear him and he is not there. Sister K planted Cosmos in the garden, because I think even she misses him a bit, too. 

Today was just one of those days, I suppose. So, I keep busy and pretend it doesn't bother me. Someone I used to know said that buying a pet was like buying a mini tragedy, but I don't subscribe to that. It's buying a friend who depends on you, a teacher to help you learn about life and death, a small comedian who helps you laugh about the strangest things, and a challenge to make you a stronger, better human. Because to me dogs are the best parts of people --they're loyal, silly, loving, determined, and don't mind when you dress them up in silly outfits because it makes you happy. They just want you to be happy and to give them treats. There is no one in this world who is excited every single time they see you -except a dog. Every time. 

So, yeah, I miss you, Cosmo.

Inspiring

Man, I can not get enough of this video. Super cool. I think the puppies are my favorite.

The World Did Not End...so...uh...

Okay, so yeah, I seem to still be here blogging today, so the world didn't end --good try Harold Camping. We'll see if the Mayan's were any closer. According to some people I was also supposed to have a flying car by now and doors that opened with a whoosh not a turn of a knob, but hey, the good news is we're all still here doing what we do, whatever that may be.

Today's agenda includes --lounging around in my jammies, all day...uhm...what else, nope, that is it. I watched a movie on OWN called Hachi, it's that one about the dog who waits for his owner after his owner dies, waits for ten years for him. It was lovely, inspiring and tragic. Made me cry a little. But, that's a good thing, I seem to have lost my copy of What Dreams May Come, which was my 'need a good cry' movie, so I haven't watched one in a while. May just take the day and watch movies --I haven't done that in forever. Just make some popcorn, crawl back in bed and watch movies. God, some days my life is awesome.

Also on a positive note, Saturday work went really well. The floor is definitely where I do my best work. Enjoy that little double entendre, true in both senses of it, as well. The trainer was awesome and really it is a lot more physical than simply cashiering. On the whole I liked it. We shall see. For now we have switched it to a thumbs up status. And speaking of positive, my little over worry about date night on Friday was totally unfounded. Date went great. The coffee place was not even as busy as the one downtown and even with the rain there was a little place outside to sit. We had dinner at the OC and just talked and laughed. Now, I promised previously not to kiss and tell, but the rest of the night went just as well and I skidded into home base about 3am, so yeah it was good.

With that said, my little sister sent me a link to one of her friends newly self-published Kindle books. I reviewed the Kindle option when I was looking to submit a couple of months ago and decided I didn't like it. It does not have a printed version option, the royalty structure was not great (although that has changed to a 70% now which is better), and a lot of the articles I read by authors who did publish on Createspace or the e-book only Kindle program had --slow royalties, problems with Amazon using wholesalers to under-price the books, bugs and submission problems --well, let's just say it was enough to scare me into submitting to some other on-line publishers rather than trying to scrape up enough cash to go the route A's friend did. However, there is really nothing like the feeling of getting that e-mail and knowing she is like 20 years old and published, neither of which I am right now. Still, I have faith in the research that I did on this issue and the publisher I picked (although the waiting is still ridiculously long and stupid) and must rely on that right now to make me feel better.

Another bit of a downer, although not a world-ender, is that the bf has some great family plans for Memorial Day weekend and my schedule this week does not fit very well with his, so we  had to schedule the next date in June. Which seems like a very, very long time away now. Especially considering I don't really have any Memorial Day weekend plans at all. Suck-tastic. I'm kind of hoping he at least thinks about me occasionally while having a spectacular time. Sigh.

Saturday Jam

Busy day, will blog later, for now here is a heaping helping of today's mood in music. Enjoy.

Let it Rain

So, after staying up until way, way too late trying to come up with an activity for my date tonight. I decided --f**k it. I even received some great suggestions from my friends and blog readers. I have decided to stick to the plan. We meet for coffee and decide from there. I will pack the picnic dinner in a cooler and leave it in the car, just in case. I will wear fully acceptable, adorable, pre-planned date outfit and like it. I will remain calm and have fun, and relax and have coffee with my cute smart boyfriend. I will not -tweek out, freak out, or act like a crazy monkey.

Good, so now that that is all settled we can get some things done. After a thorough examination of why we were so very unhappy last night, it came to light that I was not following my own very good advice about being laid back. This is/was due to starting the new job and feeling entirely insecure at it. Which is okay. When we learn to do new things sometimes it is daunting and scary, but I am very brave and really will come through okay, no matter what, so there is really nothing to worry about. Now convincing myself of this simple fact did take a good hour or two of staring at the ceiling and listening to the rain outside my window, but it happens. The world keeps moving, so do I. Even Wonder Woman gets her nails done.

Another reason the rain date is a little frustrating is because it is nearing the end of the month and really my funds are fairly tapped out at this point, so I needed a nice cheap date. Even with a good budget, I started my job a week later than I figured, gas is astronomical, and the $'s are rapidly running out. So, we then have to speculate on whether selling bodily fluids, then finding an outfit to cover up your despairingly Dicken's track marks, to go on a date is worth it. Don't get me wrong, the situation is not heinous yet, but it's getting there and I can't look him in his sweet face and say "I'm just too poor to make it out." It makes me feel...what is the word I'm looking for that means depressed, not good enough, and f-ing ridiculous....hmmm, not coming up with it. Anyway, things will get better, they always do, but everyone deals in their own way.

So, I watched some old Hulu videos of the SNL Celebrity Jeopardy, those cheered me right up. So, very funny. I worked out like a madwoman. Mainly because I gained back two pounds in one day which was also contributing to my very low mood. I know it is all building muscle mass which will eventually help burn fat faster, but wow, when it is staring you in the face from the screen on your digital scale it still looks a lot like failure. So, it gave me a good reason to workout harder. We'll see tomorrow how that one goes.

With all of that said, I am going to go take a nice long bath, paint my nails and just breath. I am going to try to think of as many positive things as I possibly can. I am going to make sure I have my manuscript just how I want it and submit it tonight. I have been picking at it, but I don't like to mess with it when I am in a bad mood, it comes through in the story like potato chip residue through a white t-shirt. And really, I'm going to have a nice time tonight. The outfit is a little boho number I put together so I am excited to wear it out, fun and, just in case, will probably look just as good wet.

She Used To Be The Sweetest Girl...

Okay, this post is a cry for help. So, I was all confident yesterday that even if it rained the coffee place were are going to on the date would have a nice relaxing in door or covered area for talking and coffee, but now I am not totally not sure and I got a really cute e-mail from the bf reminding me gently that it was probably going to rain tomorrow. So, now I am frustratedly looking through the Internet catalogue of things to do indoors so we have some kind of activity.

My sister suggested going to a movie. That new pirate movies is out, but I am sick of the pirate movies. Thor is out, but I know he has seen that one. So like there's Bridesmaids which looks funny, but A) I really hate movies aimed at me as a chick. B) Hey, wanna go see a movie about getting MARRIED when we've been together for almost two months-ish? So, that one is right out. And I am not watching the Hangover II --dumbass comedy pisses me off. And really so does this hunting for activities like a pack of wolves. ---Well, there is that movie Priest, but it's kind of a vampire thing and it looks like it could either be awesome or really, really terrible. Plus, I have been kind of waiting until there was a good movie on my coupons from Marcus theaters so I didn't have to spent a bazillion dollars at the movies. F F F!

As if the three days I spent planning and fantasizing about a picnic and making out was not already a huge amount of work ---and it was. I have food prepared in the fridge. I made potato salad --for potato salad dogs. I have pecan tarts, which I wrapped individually. God damn Pecan Tarts! And an absolutely perfect date outfit, complete with stunning cute red hat. It was adorable. I could just tear my hair out in messy frazzled clumps right now. Totally stressed. Venue change means outfit change, activity means possibly eating out, which would mean choosing a restaurant. Not to mention that date night got moved to Friday because of my stupid work schedule so like everything will be busy.

For God sake, suggestions -please! I am at a total loss. I like roller skating, but there is not enough money in the world to get me into a roller skating joint on a Friday night and that one could go over like a lead balloon with the bf. Hmmm, so there's underwater basket weaving, but I haven't got a new bathing suit yet, so no. I need something simple and uncomplicated and this is not turning out to be it right now.

Work was harsh and felt degrading so my mood is not great. Not that it was bad --as I have been warned by several people NOT to blog anything about my new work that is unpositive on social blah, blah sites or anything. I'm not sure if the blog counts, as I have tried to keep things relatively anonymous about it. But, it was slightly big brother-ish, which also freaked me out. And honestly, it was not the most positive experience --it made me long for the severe tongue lashings and 80 hr work weeks of my previous job, where at least I knew what I was doing (was confident I did a good job). The 'actually very short compared to what I will be working' shift was littered with dashes of 'this is my first day' humiliation and nearly slavery type feelings of subjugation and neglect (there, not about work, just how work made me feel, which is alright in a blog, right?). I hope the shift on Saturday will be better, but the whole chin-up thing is working about as well as my location of a new date activity. Which is, NOT AT ALL. Welcome to self-censorship, it BLEEPS.

It seems as though my overconfidence in thinking that I could handle all of these things at once is about to slap me squarely in the face.  I could use a little help.

Hey, Sexy Jesus, if you're not busy....

Business Time!

For the uninitiated -the picture is a Flight of the Conchords reference worth checking out if you didn't already get it. Yeah, that's why they call'em business socks, Baby. And to make it real easy here's the link: http://youtu.be/WGOohBytKTU

So, orientation went well --It was a lot of safety videos and what-not paperwork. And instead of being just a cashier, like I thought going in, they asked me to be sales floor instead. It's the same pay, but probably more moving around so I said yeah. Training schedule is really light on hours, but kind of weird times all over the place, and I can't take more until I am trained to do everything. Plus, I have shifts to train for cashiering and sales floor. So, we'll see. I'm pretty excited about it, first shift is tomorrow.

I would like to comment on the age of all the other people in my training class which was clearly a 21 or younger affair. One of the cute little girls could not complete her W-2 because her mommy and daddy do all her tax forms for her. How cute? And when we introduced ourselves it was all name and what school are you currently attending. Nice.

To really finish off the whole 'please, get me a walker as I am at least ten years older than all of you' feeling, one of the college Jr.'s had an issue with her schedule because she is getting married which sent the entire table of girls into fits of giggling and wedding hysterics. I, myself, wanted to offer her the listing of really lovely marriage counselors I know practically by heart, at this point. It was so wrong of me, but I couldn't help it. Kids so young hooking up for 'forever' and so excited about it. I guess, that is fine. I, at this point, really know how much work it takes, so the concept gives me a large amount of pause and serious consideration.

Plus, and this one settles me comfortably into the category of jaded cynic and all around bad person on the matter, she wasn't particularly good looking -plain, overweight, overly-chatty --so, as a female I immediately compare her to me and go 'well, if she can get that, what is really wrong with me?' The answer, naturally, is nothing. And to really put this one to bed --ten years ago I would have made a terrible partner. Sometimes it simply takes a long time to find out who you are and really love yourself, so you can really be a great partner for someone else. Now, I am totally aware that sounds cornier than a Nebraska field, but it's true. I feel like my new relationship is so much more healthy and good than it would be had I not taken the time to really perfect me first. It was interesting and caused me a great deal of thought last night, all the same.

And I have a date on Friday night. I said in a previous post that I was going to pack a romantic picnic and we were going to go for coffee then to a nice park. However, as usual, I'm a little ahead of the start pistol and did not check the weather --which is totally supposed to be crappy and has a 60% chance of scattered thunderstorms. So, a nice, romantic --soaking wet picnic. Classy. Dang it. I really should be evaluating why my 'plans' never work out. But, we are headed to coffee first then figuring something out to do, so if it is really bad, we can do something else. Doesn't particularly matter to me, I just like being around him, doesn't really matter what we do. Pretty sweet, huh?

Hump-Day Hot Dance Track

I like Cobra Starship a lot for their mostly alt rock songs, but every once in a while they put out a particualary hot awesome dance track --this is one of them. So, turn it up and enjoy, peeps.

Soporific

Gonna try to cover Monday on this one too, as Sunday's party night cost me an entire day almost. So, now you're thinking that Monday was a lost day -a sleeping re-coup of faculties -but it wasn't. On Monday, I went to lunch at the Watering Hole with H, J, and friend M who was in town from Omaha. Honestly, of all our mutual friends -I like M best, she is witty and fun and has been one of the only other single friends that has remained so, as I have, for a great long time. She also has an excellent sense of style and great taste in music. It was a heck of a fun lunch and their Veggie burger is one of the best you can ever have. I ate a whole thing of waffle fries in an attempt to appease my body who was busily putting us through alcohol detox. After lunch, I came back and took a much needed nap.

As it was take D to Walmart night. We had a nice time --they have this cheese D likes, it's some of that Laughing Cow stuff. She swears by it. She also, as a sweet gesture, bought me two red t-shirts which she referred to as 'my uniform'. Ha, ha. Could be worse --I have had jobs where I indeed did have to wear a uniform and really, comparatively, a red shirt and khaki's is much cooler. Plus, I look hella good in red so that's a plus. Went to bed early. Slept like a concrete lawn ornament. Solid.

Bf sent me a couple new albums to listen to. I have no idea where he found this one -but it is by a lady named Inga Liljestrom and it's called 'Elk'. I have been listening to it pretty much constantly. It's kind of vocal-ish, experimental indie sounding. Lots of thumping upright bass, some martini lounge vibe, and some moaning howling female vocals. Great album, reminds me a little of Portishead, a little. Very good and it has that smoky slow sensuality to the whole thing. Encourage the blog readership to check it out. He also e-mailed me at my real e-mail finally, which is super cool because now I don't have to continue to be harassed by mouth-breathing droolers on the dating website. Thank God.

But, the e-mail did strange things. The poor baby couldn't sleep. For me, insomnia means work time so it ranges from good to annoying, but I knew he had to go to work and it was not anywhere near a positive thing. Much like 'the party girl' of my personality can be inspired and show up, this resurrected the nurturing protective goddess from her long absence. She danced in all curves and trailing apron strings, giving me the strangest desire to invite him over --make him some tea, give him a backrub, and hold him until he feel asleep. She sings, "I'm strong, I'll protect you, fold you up and keep you safe from the whole world. And if that didn't work --I am well versed in soft, sinful techniques that would put you out just as quickly, Sweet, sweet baby. However, oh, cries and lamentations, I have sold my soft nature to feminism and have to go to work tonight." Bullshit. Now, no one is comforted. Another time perhaps.

So, we trip the life fantastic to orient myself once again to services rendered for cash --when what I really want to do is curl up with someone as sleepy as I am. Heavy sigh. On the positive side, they can't want me to work all the time, so next date night we are going to go someplace like the park. I was thinking of making a nice picnic, how cute and romantic is that?

Breaking Out...

Where to bloody begin...So, Sunday --the bestie was late, but not for a lame reason. She rescued an abandon puppy on a country road. And I'm not kidding. How f-ing cool can one chick be? Dang. So, after puppy rescue we hit the OC for obligatory friend dinner with some of their other friends. They are all super nice people, but sometimes they are all OCD about their kids or their marriages and that gets old real quick. Afterwards we hit the N-zone, play keno and the drinking begins in earnest. Appetizers, conversation, a keno win here and there. It is like old times, comfy, fun. Metaphorical doors begin opening. The novel is discussed, critique and constructive criticism are internalized and filed for use later. There is dancing and singing in the car on the way to the next place.

Next we head to the Grata, it's Sunday so the place is a ghost town, as we push the doors open and saunter in queens of the castle. More talking, some smoking, shots, top shelf vodka. Things pour smooth, conversation gets honest, real. The laughing is remedy to the open wounds of missing. What closing at eleven? Okay, drinks drunk quickly. Feeling tipsy --feeling good. The bestie's hubs falls asleep in the back of the car --Awesome, we wear a brother out, now we have a ready and willing designated driver. More dancing and singing in car on the way to the next place.

Make it to Jake's. Meet interesting girls in the bathroom, make friends, have a laugh. That girl's name is Andrea. Buy cigars, smoke like we know what we're doing, wine and beer. La Vie Boheme. Wingman attracts short Jewish man who tells us he drives a convertible and invites us to a strip club, knows names of individual working girls. Yeah, right, brave, but makes us laugh. Sample honey whiskeys -Red Stag, Evan Williams honey -both are not as good as the honey bourbon Wild Turkey makes. Burning and sweet like a sticky liquid red hot. More wine. More beer, pepper beer. Smoke big fat cigars like we are the boss. Take silly pictures on the cell phone. Again, shorty tries to convince us he is cool, extols virtues of his backpack. Not impressed. Comrade states I need to be nicer. Confessions of a mean girl drunk. You are my best friend --No, you are my best friend. Last call.

Stumble back to the big shining iron steed to take us home. Wake up sleeping prince with laughing and window pounding. --But, the prince is unwell. Has food poisoning. Things get crisis kind of trippy. But, we all make it back to my house. Greeted by sleepy, wanting to play, pig dog. Play some throw the tennis ball and drink some water. Manage to get up to my tower, strip my clothes off, but cannot find nightgown. Decide it doesn't matter, fall asleep naked and safe in the red room.

It is a good damn thing I only do this about once a year. Woke up feeling like I had slept in a swamp and thoroughly disgusted by the stink of my own body. Finally, feeling righted, at this point, party girl safely locked back up, smiling and sated once more. I would like to thank the whole cast of this adventure --from forgetful bartender to silly bathroom girls --but most of all thank you to the Princess Vegan and Prince Food Poisoning for everything. It was massively awesome.

Face to Facebook

Randomness of a Dating Scientist –okay so lately, being party ‘on-call’ has made me be on Facebook a lot more than normal. I have monitored it on and off, but haven’t actively been on it for any amount of time for a while, up until this weekend. So maybe you can see where this is going and I would like to simply say –I am in the right frame of mind, but waiting for anything kind of makes me look at aspects of my life under a microscope (Do NOT take any of this to mean emotional distress as I am fully aware things are ALL fine right now). 

So, I decided, for fun, to see if I could find my boyfriend on Facebook. I am proud to be dating such a great guy –why not link it up on my social network, right? We did work at the same place so as it happens we did have one friend in common (even though that friend IS the incredibly creepy tech guy that used to stare at my boobs and make inappropriate sexual comments to me, at work, when he fixed my computer) so it was relatively easy. Now, the bf has said that he doesn’t really even Facebook at all, which is cool, very fine with me. I do because there are certain people that I am only connected to through Facebook and I have a sick people watching fetish which makes me severely enjoy hearing tiny details of peoples lives –or catching them when they have new babies, or get married, or just have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So, with that said, he had some pictures up I had not seen and….wait for it…. I noticed his relationship status is ‘single’ –it was like the only info he allowed to be viewed publicly.

Now, as I squarely updated to ‘in a relationship’ the date before last, this put me in a bit of an odd position, as you might imagine. No girl wants to appear as the overly eager beaver, right? With that said –I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. I don’t, it’s overrated and gives you IBS to worry too much about little crap like that. It’s also part of what makes me totally awesome. However, it once more watered that fertile seed of doubt, ever present in the female mind (probably more so in my mind as my last ‘in a relationship’ really loved fucking with my mind, cheating on me, and generally using me as a stepping stone until he found a much younger, dumber girl to do it to).

So, with a bit of a laugh, I did some research and do you know how many sad, lonely, little twitter-pated girls are tearing their hair out over this issue? Literally, thousands, hundreds of thousands. There were forums and blogs and dating articles specifically devoted to it. I was like ‘Whoa’.

With that said, and as someone in this situation currently, I am going to offer all those girls a little potent advice. It does not fucking matter. A status on an electronic profile means virtually nothing in the real world –where you exist primarily. As I become more confident in my feelings about my relationship, I realize what matters is the face to face of it. If it bothers you, tell him it bothers you –don’t slink around the issue being manipulative and playing coy games, that is fucking ridiculous and everyone in the world knows it. The thing about playing games in relationships is that everyone loses –and most of all, you lose out on a great, honest relationship with another human being (who is just a nervous, insecure, excited, etc. as you are about being in it). So, relax and talk to him.

**Irony Warning**

Oh, and if my bf does read my blog, which I pretend to think he doesn’t, but secretly hope he does and have a little feeling he might, you best update that status and friend me immediately (or at least in a couple of days, randomly, so you can pretend you don’t read this blog to try to quietly discern if I really am crazy or not), because, yeah, it bothers me a little.

I knew the blog was a little anemic -all it needed was an irony supplement. That's pretty funny, if I do say so myself. :)

Geek Chic

Hey, bits and geeks, today's blog is about how much I love engineers. Love them --love, love, love them. Computer Engineers, Electrical Engineers, Chemical Engineers, Train Engineers --sigh.

So, today I slept in because I am party 'on-call' tonight, as I was last night. This much like any 'on-call' assignment means you must be prepared for that call to action. So, last night I got dressed up at around 6:30 and waited patiently by the computer for a call. At ten-ish I received orders that my services were not required that evening. Which really was alright, I am super flexible girl until I start working again on Tuesday. So, I stayed up and read some e-mails and then went to bed with the intention to sleep in late so I could stay up tonight for another 'on-call'.

This would have worked out if my bestie's husband had not showed up to deliver my new desk. OMG I felt like such a shlub -greeting someone in my bathrobe with my hair standing up very much like Christopher Lloyd's do in Back to the Future. "Great Scott, Marty, I just got out of bed!"

He was kind enough to act like I did not look like a frightened hobo, but yeah, we looked pretty bad. He was nice enough to not only haul the pieces in, but he helped me and my roommate put it together. In like fifteen minutes --it was amazing. I love to just sit and watch very competent people work and this was so cool. Just bam, bam, bam and it was up -new desk. Now, I know this would have taken me probably two hours to do and with no directions, a lot of personal frustration. So, Thank You.

I spent the whole rest of the day, decorating it and putting my TV on it and Mr. J said I could hook my laptop up to my TV which I was not really even aware of. Awesome --so I am a VGA cord away from using my big TV as my monitor and actually being able to watch some Hi Def things on my Hi Def, TV, which I have not been doing previously. Rockin'.

And all it took was an engineer. Every one of them that I have ever met, except for Todd the douchebag, has been a really awesome person who thinks in magnificent lines that simply escape me. It's really the difference between figuring out something tech and functional and I would look at the exact same thing and be like "I wonder if I could fix that with paper mache and Popsicle sticks, then maybe a magical dance around it and some tempura paint mixed with glitter? Or maybe it just needs a hug?" Hmmm. Maybe, that's exactly why I like them. Really, it probably boils down to that 1950's housewife loves handyman sort of need.

"Hi, oh, you're here to fix my computer?" Yeah, I like that. 

Something Special

Last night was once again 'Date Night'. Met boyfriend at Bread & Cup for dinner --with coffee afterwards. It is another restaurant I had not been to before (honestly, I thought I got out pretty regularly, but this dating thing has made it so that I have gone to a bunch of places I have never been). I was genuinely lucky he could make it out as I didn't get to set up a date until Tuesday night. I was honestly pretty glad to be going out as there had been some light turmoil in the house yesterday and it slightly frayed my nerves. It was nice to have a relaxing meal, some fun conversation, and a little male eye candy.

So, I was slightly pensive, but even with some heinous weather the date went really well. And he did the cutest thing. Okay, so we had a pizza and we were going to split it. They had a really lovely Moscato D’Asti (so think the sweetness of a Moscato with the great bubbles of an Asti) which they were serving by the glass for 5.50. It was so good I had two glasses, one with dinner, and one after dinner during conversation. Alcohol content on it is relatively low so we were no where near buzzed, but it was tasty. Then I figured we’d split the pizza so $6-ish.

When the leather envelope came, I put in my $20 in cash with his card. When it came back the cash was just gone. I had not really even looked at the bill. Kind of an old world etiquette tip here, but according to my Grandma J is it entirely inappropriate for a lady to review the bill with more than a quick demure glimpse (thusly, you must be prepared to simply know what you ordered and how much it was, it’s manners even when going dutch). So, I thought the lovely waitress had simply taken it as a tip. I told my date I would go to the counter and ask for change. He said no that they had simply applied the whole thing to the bill. Then I felt rather stupid as I am not that great with math in my head and had not even noticed the total of the bill. Plus, I had only really budgeted my $20 for dinner so that was all my money and meant no coffee.

He said it’s okay, I’m estimating here, but here and gave me $10 from his wallet. Now, as I said I am terrible at math and just accepted it gratefully as that now meant we could go for coffee afterwards which I was really looking forward to. The rain was terrible and there was lightening so we sat indoors at the coffee place and laughed and talked. After kind of a stressful day it was super nice and just what I needed to feel awesome again.

When we walked back to the car the wind was blowing like a hurricane and the rain was cold and pelting. He walked me to my car and when I gave him a big hug and a kiss he felt so good, warm, and big. It was awesome.

It was not until I got home and really thought about it, that I figured out he paid for most of dinner without me even knowing about it. How cute and sweet and magnificent. What a spectacular boyfriend and what a wonderfully charming man! So, I’m feeling enamored, peaceful, and squarely upgraded him to ‘extreme like’. Being a sweet gentleman –now that’s hot.

Panties!

I have been doing super well with some great coupons and deals lately and wanted to share. I am not super coupon-er at this point, but I have been particularly proud of my money saving skills.

Okay, so Victoria Secrets, took sister with me so I got two pairs of cute cotton hip-huggers with sparkly summer fish on them (one pair pictured above). Panties regularly $8.50 x two pair = $17.00 Super cute! Totally FREE. Thank you, Coupons. Side note -sister got two bras and a beach towel for $50-ish, which is a damn miracle at that place. Also, with coupons. Then I filled out a survey on my receipt and now have a $10 off a $50 purchase coupon (so I can go in for bras myself after I get that first paycheck, yeah).

Yeah, and see, more about fashion than sexy. I mean they’re still panties, but look how comfy they look.

Joined Groupon. Groupon sent me a coupon for $10 free. So, the offer today was for $20 of chocolates for $10. Used my coupon and got $20 of chocolates for FREE. Awesome, totally awesome. Not to mention that by joining that livingsocial.com, I got $30 to spend on drinks at Grata (a great little quiet bar in the south part of town) for $15 earlier in the week. And I feel superb that I've gotten some great deals on things. Sweet.

So tally:
2 pairs panties = free
$20 in chocolates =free
$30 in drinks = $15

Gosh, that reads like a great sexy Valentine's Day gift to myself, doesn't it? Like I said, I'm not super great at it yet, but I think if I keep practicing I will get the hang of it.

For the record also lost another pound this week --probably due to the addition of the stability ball, which kicks my ass every time I use it. So, happy --may buy a swimsuit this year. Actually, it is of note that I needed those two new pairs of panties as most of mine are now too big. Just fucking fabulous. Also, while writing sequel to vampire story, got entirely new story idea yesterday. May jump to that one as I am way into it right now –involves, magic, time travel, some WWII research, but could be super interesting and characters have stable back-stories. Could be really good…Awwh, who are we kidding? Of course, it’s going to be good. Everything is good today. I have a coupon for it.

---As a side note, this one is from yesterday before blogger went down and I lost my whole post about music (more about Frankmusik, which is sad because he is so great). So, there will be two for today -just accept it. I'm a bloggaholic and nearly went crazy not being able to post my inane opinions about things --and no facebook is not as good. It's just not.

And The Beat Goes On...

Today’s blog is once again about music. I love music. It helps steer my mood. If I want to write something particularly ass kicking –I listen to a lot of hardcore electronica, smashing pumping bass and strong lyrics. When I write love scenes (and this one kind of depends on the characters) I kind of move between slow wafting romantic music, R&B songs, or once again fast pumping techno.

Lately, I have fallen madly in love with a young British DJ called Frankmusik. He puts out the normal pop/electronic love potions, but honestly has a nice fresh voice and some great damn songs. Good stuff, and a nice alternative to the over played Lady Gaga choke-holding dance music right now. I encourage anyone reading this to go to YouTube and at least watch a couple of his videos. In case you’re looking, here are some other goodies I’ve found lately – Tim Berg, Seeking Bromance, Architecture in Helsinki, Contact High, Cookies, Boycrazy, Deadmau5, Raise Your Weapon, Alexandra Stan, Mr. Saxobeat and Duck Sauce, Barbara Streisand.

Also boyfriend has been kind enough to try and expand my musical tastes with ‘The Ones and Threes’ from Versus and ‘Neptune’ by the Duke Spirit. Both are excellent although I really dig the Give A Little Love Token track on the Duke Spirit album. I find I need to be in just the right mood to listen to some of it and although these are much faster, more rock/alternative –I may simply need a thumping bass to be happy most of the time. Like these are ‘sun dress’, but I’m more ‘club dress’ –but I wear both at certain times. Not bad by any means, but different, which is good, that is why they call it ‘expanding your taste’ not ‘staying the same and being stubborn’.

As was previously mentioned in the ‘Holla Back’ posting regarding music my boyfriend still has bands he listened to in the 90’s that he still enjoys very much now. This is not meant to be any kind of critical comment, it is simply an observation that supports the findings that I have previously posted regarding males and music –which is interesting and made me smile. As also mentioned I made him a CD to kind of highlight what I was listening to at the time (so early March-ish 2011). This is what was on it:

Rolling In the Deep --Adele

Blood Bank --Bon Iver

I’ve Got That Tune --Chinese Man

Vampires --Dukes

Home --Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros

Dog Days Are Over --Florence + The Machines

Pumped Up Kicks --Foster the People

Raised on Black & Tans --Gaelic Storm

Same Dream China --Golden Panda

11^th Dimension --Julian Casblancas

Beauty Song (Jin Re Que) --Ziyi Zhang

Very Busy People --The Limousines

No Myth --Michael Penn

Little Lion Man --Mumford & Sons

Animal --Neon Trees

Pins & Needles --Opshop

The Big Bang --Rock Mafia

Que Sera --Wax Tailor

So, yeah, kind of all over the place. But, it makes a hellva CD so I wanted to post the list for others –maybe expand someone else’s musical taste. Plus, I pretty much wilt like a flower without water, if I can’t listen to music –so maybe this will help out another human being looking for something good to inspire them. Oh, and something really cool, today the Library of Congress opened up it's National Jukebox, which is a huge collection of free to listen to songs on-line --old ragtime pieces, operas, just a whole bunch of cool stuff. Check it out.

Anticip......ation

Through the long and narrow course of my life I have learned some very important lessons, first among them is that 'the anticipation of a thing can sometimes be better than the thing itself ever could be'. And really, with the right mindset this makes a day incredibly exciting. It also makes my birthday and Christmas some of my favorite holidays ever. Because as cool as they always turn out to be --anticipating them for a month makes me crazy excited.

We are now coming up on --the return of the God damn Jedi with my bestie finally being back in town. You know how you watch an awesome music video and it's all this crazy party, rapper's making it rain, strippers stripping, people dancing, drinks flowing, confetti sparkling, and lights flashing? Well, that is how cool it is in my mind. Very rarely does it end up being that over-the-top hardcore, but occasionally.

And with the spring fever being intense this year and for some reason the hormones going a little off --I am a little afraid to loose the chained up party girl for going out purposes. She's been in the basement carving wicked things on the walls, click-clacking her new heels back and forth on the cement, and working that nice girl business skirt up while pulling that deep Vee t-shirt into a deeper Vee then the law allows. She whispers and scrapes against the vents "We should color our hair. We need to go dancing. Do remember that one time we did that one thing? Yeah, we should do that again."

I press my eyes close and stammer back, "No, that was a bad thing. We'll go out sometime soon."

"I've been down here for months --you don't even take me with you on dates anymore. I wanna go out!" She hisses it angrily back up the vent, smearing her glitter make-up on the wall.

"Well, my boyfriend is not interested in crazy party girls so you will just be staying right there." I roll my eyes to the darkened ceiling, slightly lamenting that overly social, dance addict's lunatic ravings. "Honestly, it's bad enough when you show up in my blogs and make me look crazy."

"No worse than having you pretend you don't have a wild celebutante nature that no one knows about." She sighs plunking down on the cold cement floor hand to face regretting that wet rag, insecure smart girl using her body right now. "If we don't go out soon. I'm leaving."

I jump out of bed, slamming toward the vent. "Hey, hey, don't say that. We'll go out this weekend, okay? I promise. I know it's repressing. I know."

"I can wear my new shoes?" She cocks her head to the side, interest once more piqued for action, twirling her neon glow sticks with her neon fingertips.

"Sure, we may even go dancing...." I sigh, once more resolute to feed the monster, step forth into hazy laughing summer in a flurry of fashion and bubbling glasses served up to tickle the nose of fate. The anticipation of it is so palpable, at this point, I'm chewing on it like a chew toy. Squeak, squeak, squeak.

Back to Work

Yeah, okay, so the lovely respite from the man is over. I orientate for my new soul sucking minimum wage return to work tomorrow night. To say that I am not looking forward to it is probably as big an understatement as saying ‘Well, Zeppelins are slightly flammable’. I really am trying to look forward to it, but I know I am going to get screwed in a major way with whatever schedule they do decide to give me (which I don’t get until Tuesday night now). Yep, ridden like a My Little Pony at a seven year old’s birthday party.

So, I am trying desperately to enjoy my last day of freedom. Really, once you’ve tasted it, freedom is intoxicating. Having an open schedule makes you open for all kinds of things. It reminds you that time alone is priceless and thinking, really thinking, can require quiet moments to do so. I am also a little afraid that this will make it so I can’t do all the fun things I like doing –i.e. writing until 2am, being available for sisters/family when needed, finding time for my boyfriend, going out with my other friends, the list goes on and on.

Not that this is going to be heinous. I might really enjoy it. I would like to stop worrying about money. Honestly, I don’t worry too much about it, but not having any is a little trying on the old nerves. The flipside is that now I just get to worry about working. I know this is not going to be difficult work, but as the bottom rung again –that could mean all my nights and weekends have now been spoken for as I bend over and take it for money with a smile on my face. Ick.

Still I feel bad about complaining about it. I worked really hard to get a job and honestly lamenting a ‘be careful what you wish for’ is better than b*tching about not getting what I want (which I really hate). Plus, nothing says I have stopped looking for something that pays a little better. Nor does anything say that my books don’t blow up and make it so that is all I have to do. It’s gonna happen, mark my bloody words. Until then:

“Mommy, this pony won’t go faster, she thinks she’s some kind of writer. Giddy up, ya stupid pony, it’s my birthday!”

Happy Mother's Day!

Yeah, I would like to extend my congratulations to my mom for receiving the honor of being my mom some thirty odd years previous. You are awesome for making someone as totally cool as me. I love you!

Beaches

Ever take a step back and realize suddenly your life very much mirrored a great film? Suddenly you’re in the office and it’s Resident Evil, all the office zombies wandering around you wanting your brains and all you have near you is a paperweight and an attitude for ass-kicking? You’re waiting in line at the bank think how easy it would be to rob it –ah la, Heat, Batman Begins into, Italian Job, Oceans Eleven, the list goes on?

Today I was looking at my best friend’s blog, which is constantly a source of inspiration for me. We are miles and miles apart, but I think about her every single day. I miss her all the time. Finding that best friend is honestly something I didn’t count on. I’m loud and obnoxious most of the time and it is a little off-putting to normal people. I had a friend in college who let me know one night over a great bowl that we were only friends because I was too persistent. I had my first college class with her and she did not want to be my friend –but I talked to her every class whether she liked it or not and, eventually, she just gave in and we became friends.

Now, my best friend, not to hurt any of my other great friends feelings if this story is not about you, I met at work. When she started working there we did not really talk. Honestly, I thought she was too pretty, which meant she would be stuck up, so I did not talk to her. But, somehow when she became QA for another team we started talking and we had a lot in common. Similar backgrounds, we liked to party, we liked to laugh and have a similar sense of humor. I always thought she was one of the coolest people and the more I got to know her, the cooler she turned out to be. She broadens my music tastes, gets me to go out to places and do stuff I would not have on my own. She also was really there for me after a break-up which should have qualified as a divorce, it was so horrific. She cried with me, laughed with me, and sold me my absolute favorite car I have ever owned. Really, she is such a special, wondrous person, that if I liked girls that way, I would have married her a long time ago.

It hit me suddenly today that we are a lot like that movie Beaches, which I hated when I watched it but is nigh on to inescapable if you are a girl. Two really good friends, the brunette is a little prettier than the redhead, the brunette excels relationship-wise, while the redhead kind of flounders there for a long time. The brunette has a sweet daughter. Now, in reality is it highly more likely the redhead will probably get cancer (because she smokes and likes it), rather than the brunette. But, you see them come in and out of each other’s lives affecting each other and being great friends. Seeing the parallels, although some of them are slight, made me smile and appreciate the movie more.

Made me appreciate that beach in the picture with me, too. ha, ha.

Keeping My Mouth Shut

Okay, so I had a wonderful lunch with a friend from my old work yesterday. In discussing some of my romantic frustrations she made a very good point. Now, I am not certain if my boyfriend reads this bloody blog or not, he has never mentioned it and really I saw it as a positive thing because this blog is a lot like my secret diary so I assumed it would be helpful if he knew what I was thinking or needing or whatever.

The point my friend so delicately reminded me of was that if he did read the blog, this could be the exact reason I am getting nothing physical, like he might be afraid I would smear any sexual experience we had together, good or otherwise, all over my blog. And although we would all love to see in print that we are excellent lovers with massive prowess and the ability to get our partners to come with our practiced flirtatious winking –most of the time we all feel a little inadequate with our clothes off. (Although, I, personally take my shirt off and wonder why I do not have thousands of worshippers and my own TV series. Not everyone has Wonder Twin powers like me).  

So, even though I will continue to blog about how it is going and very general things regarding my new and exciting relationship with this ever interesting and clever animal known as the male of my species, I will NOT be discussing –anything that may occur behind closed doors or in the backseats of Hondas or the easy to have sex in bathrooms @ Barrymores. It will simply not be happening.

And much like a monologue-ing villain (and yes, I know, I know, when I went back and read it again even I was a little frightened), I will not be giving away anymore ‘super great plans’ that read like excerpts from rape scenes from ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’. Although, if I buy more lingerie I will be talking about that and maybe even posting pictures –that falls squarely into the category of fashion and clothing, not imminent sex, as I wear fancy underwear all the time. Got it, not sexy, and that’s final.

Boy, I genuinely hope that is the reason, that I haven’t f-ed things up too badly being my usual loud mouthed self. And just in case, my grandma always says you should ask for help from Jesus, so we'll see if this works.

Dear Awesome Jesus,

Hey, I know you are totally busy with people who have real problems, but I was wondering if you didn’t have anything better to do, if you might show up on my next date. I have kind been feeling like I’m failing here and could use a good wingman. You can wear that awesome tuxedo t-shirt. You know, just a little “Oh, hey, this is my buddy Jesus, we’re tight.” And you can be like, “Yeah, we are super tight. This girl’s awesome.” I would kind of like this to work out, if for no other reason it would really stick it to those bitches that wrote The Rules who say that my relationship is doomed to fail because I asked him out. Yeah, I know, ridiculous. Anyway, thanks bunches—you know, for everything. I know you are probably still doing that whole ‘water into wine’ thing, but if you show, I’ll buy you a beer, or a coffee, in case you’re driving. Amen.

Do It In the AM...

Up late night?

Need something to keep you movin'?

Here you are...bangin'

Great deal today

There is a great bar in Lincoln called Grata, it's not downtown, great beer garden. And if you are a coupon clipper like me you like a deal.

So, here is your deal get $30 in beer and wine for $15. Well, worth it.

Link is: 

https://livingsocial.com/deals/35819?ref=personalized-link-box-10732636&rpi=10732636

Blogger’s Remorse

Let’s just say from the title I am having a little blogger’s remorse for my last dating blog. I knew it when I discussed the contents of the blog with sister K, who after having a ten minute conversation with me when she got home said “So, we are on our monthly ‘wishing for the sweet embrace of death’ time, huh?” Yep, I went menstrual crazy for a bit and nothing I said yesterday should be taken as anything other than brain drivel. I got no sleep the night before, I’m stressed about the new job, and I’m achy from exercise. What I should have done was crawl back in bed rather than inflicting my obnoxiousness on the world –however, we did it anyway and must now beg forgiveness from everyone who read that crap. Sometimes constant access to an internet connection is just not a good thing.

Certainly, I have been nervous about the lack of physical (which is just me being insecure about my looks and needing physical reassurance because that is how every other dude I’ve been with told me I was worth being with) –but, honestly, it’s not worth f-ing up the good time I have on every single date with my boyfriend (who just maybe likes me for my mind a little more than my body). And I do always have a spectacular time. I like making the decisions. I like being in control. It has nothing to do with ‘if he can care for me in the same manner’ blah, blah, blah bullshit. If I want him –eventually I will have him. And I will because I am a bastion of patience and persistence. I just gotta relax, have a good time, and let things happen. That really is a lot of pressure to put on the poor guy to read something horrific like you might be sexually ambushed by me (if he does by some ridiculous chance read this anonymously, in which case I am surprised he even showed up to the date, ha-ha.). It also makes me sound really skanky, which I’m not –I’m more classy trashy for laughs.

Everyone deals with their insecurities in a different manner, yesterday mine just happened to leap out onto a blog page. Luckily, they are simply momentary. I had a really great time at the movie. It was a great movie, totally made me laugh. And we found out his is not a 'talker' in the middle of films, thank God. We went for coffee and talked. He makes me laugh and he’s cute –and he paid for coffee, which was very gentlemanly. So, yeah, maybe next time I will broach the subject of being a little more physical because I do want to physically express how much I like him. But, it will not be like some crazed lunatic nymphomaniac on the make. Gheesh. Date assessment is positive. Self assessment –back to normal, and exhale.

Once again we are back to our calm center and would like to severely apologize for last crazy post, just needed some attention, I suppose. For Christmas this year I am asking for a muzzle as it seems like sometimes I could really use it. :P