On A Dirty Road...

Hey, Kiddies, so updates, as it has been another long stint without a blog. I should start writing again every single day. Honestly, I should. So, family pictures were yesterday. I looked fab so I am not worrying about them anymore so that is good. May continue being pseudo-veggie for a while in the diet until I can really work on the exercise program again -which could be a while as I don't have a treadmill. Work has sucked hardcore as I was made to switch cubicles with a chatty cathy in our office and my new cube sucks --I am working on making it homey though, we shall see.

Now, in the ever tumultuous world of boys...since the last blog. I did break up with Mr. English -so he is out of the picture. I had dinner with Mr. Emotionally Unavailable/Physically Available and he aside from being totally hot and dropping 25lbs since I saw him last, has become Mr. Physically Unavailable. Sucktastic. The ever wonderful Nerd Prince is still around being my best guy friend, as usual. However, the breaking news is that I have a date with a new guy. New guy sent me an e-mail on the pay site and it said, "I would love to take you to dinner". This is a nice switch as it did not say "meet you for dinner" or "see you someplace for dinner"....it said "TAKE you to dinner". Which implies good things about the fact that he enjoys traditional gender roles and might reach into his wallet once in a while for me. I like that.

I may date and talk like a dude most of the time, but what I am looking for is someone to take the reins here. Sure I can drive, because I have to all the time, but I want someone who will be the man -that would be very nice. He has thus far said some really cute stuff. He says my smile is beautiful and said that he likes that I am 'spunky' in my e-mails. So, I decided to give him a shot. I said I would go and get something to eat with him and then left if open so he could pick. We seem to have opposite schedules right now as I work days and he says he works nights. It was a first date and kind of a little girl test --I wanted to see what he was gonna do. Well, he...didn't do so hot. So, I am showing up to a first date at....wait for it, it's worth it.....MacDonalds. No, that's okay, please, have a good laugh about it.

I wish you could see the eye-rolling disappointment this caused. I mean, come the fuck on, try just a little harder than that douchebag. So, I'm gonna wear what I would normally wear on a first date, which should be at the very least Perkins, and really should be coffee or a nice impressive dinner at Lazlo's. Shit. It would be important that he knows he took an Lamborghini out on a dirt road. He is a bit older, but not as old as Mr. English (although his emotional age was like 12). He seems okay looking from the pictures and has the potential to be a fairly good match, but we shall see. I am just done being fooled by these ridiculous mirages of men. This fails and I may have to just buy a bike to buddy back up to Mr. EU/PA so I can ride him for a while.

These bad dates are taking a serious toll on my sex drive--which is simply dying from non-use at this point- so it's becoming more a long scenic drive alone in the car. I am getting to where I just don't even want it anymore. What is the use of being fabulously dirty, spectacularly knowledgeable about technique, and fantastically creative in bed if no one really wants to participate with you in that activity? Sigh.

Dating Danger!

Okay, so to clarify, this resilience thing gets easier the more I do it. Plus, this last one was really kind of expected, so not bad at all really. I was in a bad place when I went to bed, I'm in a better one having gotten some sleep on it. Not a big deal. Still no communication at all, of any kind, from Mr. English. Still doing okay. Awakened to tornado sirens last night and went to the basement with the roomies. House is fine, I am fine.

The interesting part was that about 11:15pm I got another e-mail from Mr. No Show. It was a second invitation for a meeting of some kind at a hotel across town at nearly midnight. I got it on the phone as I was in the basement hanging with the roomies. I kind of laughed and told them this was the second one and T pipes up, "It sounds like he's married." Hmmm. Now, I thought they were creepy and weird, but I had not considered at this point that that was a very good reason for his never showing or doing this kind of thing. I totally bet he is married. Yuck. It also occurred to me that it was....dangerous. Like a less smart girl or girls who are, in fact, desperate for love and affection might have actually just jumped in the car and headed to the Country Inn to be smacked over the head and sold into white slavery. Luckily, for me, I am neither. Although, I will admit it is flattering and in the mood I was in -it was kind of exciting and a bit tempting. That is what shall ever be known as the Dating Dangerzone (thank you, Kenny Loggins and Archer).

The Dating Dangerzone occurs when a normally smart, practical girl falls into the traps of dating. If you really love yourself, the way you should, that will eliminate 75% of dating pitfalls immediately. There are still some clever holes that might catch you, but for the most part your friends will warn you way before you fall for them. Boys lying is inevitable and unavoidable so they make up the other 24%, along with the slim chance you can lose yourself and go relationship blind. But, dating dangerzone is when you make a decision knowing it's stupid, not what normal people would do. No man who loves you would try to lure you for a first date to a hotel. None. Those are bad men. No man who loves you would ever alienate you from your friends or family. No good man would abuse you verbally or physically. Good men never take without giving something back to you. Bad men make you less, but a good man makes you more.

While the Dating Dangerzone can be exciting (that's for you ladies who love the bad boys), eventually it will put you down, in some manner. They say love is a game --in games there are winners and losers, that is just how it goes. If you're losing, be smart enough to walk away from the table before you lose something important, so you can come back and play again. Sometimes you get lucky, but really it is just better to play smart and learn as you go. With that said, I would really like to get lucky sometime here soon. :)

Something So Broken....

I am a little less than happy to have to post this one. However, sometimes things are simply necessary not pleasant and this is one of those things. So, in the spirit of wanting something we just can't have. I tested a theory this weekend. It needed tested. I'm a Dating Scientist and no one and I mean no one is safe from that. So, that is the ominous set up for a rather anticlimactic story.

You know when things are quiet...like too quiet. Well, things in the kingdom of the Nerd Prince were peaceful and quiet. I've been blogging for months about how much I liked him as a wonderful strong constant in my less than spectacular dating life. With the graveyard of possible dating candidates rising up under my feet I decided to try to climb to higher ground. I gave it some real thought too because although I make the Nerd Prince out to be a bloody saint --he really is not. He has huge flaws just like every other guy on the planet and I had to reexamine if I was cool with accepting those. Things about him that would never change or that I could not change. After some deep thoughts about it, I decided I could handle them. I had even decided to possibly change myself to be a bit more of what he might like. I can do that. Then I made a plan.

On Friday night I implement this plan. I set myself out like a beautiful, drunken banquet, a consequence free tryst...if he wanted it, certainly the approach was wide open. And in this lies the despair of it, for the third and final time, he did not want it, did not want me. Now, there was a 50% chance of a "no", but it was still not entirely anticipated. Really, can one ever truly prepare for rejection? He did it in the sweetest way possible (which is rather his trademark, I'm afraid), but the message was very plain. You go your way and I'm going mine, without you. Ahhh, I see. I understand, but I don't have to like it. This does not mean we are not going to see each other, it doesn't even mean that we aren't friends anymore, we still are, but it does mean there will be no more flirting and about as much chance of a romantic rekindling as I have of winning the lottery. It means the metaphorical door is closed and shall remain so....so I had better start hunting outside of his castle to find some kind of home.

I long desperately for a home. Someplace I can walk into and set down this pulverized mush that is what is left of my heart and feel complete. I would also like to mention that Mr. English is so into me that he has not answered either e-mail or text since Tuesday. I was thinking of breaking up with him, but really I think we shall just stop talking and whatever "something special" we had bleed out into the ether. Wow, such interest. I must have stomped too hard upon the ground as the clattering skeletons of former lovers have stopped asking to rattle my bones. Which, just to be clear, only adds to my current black mood. There is no hope to cling to, he simply told me to be strong and shoved me off a cliff to see if I can fly. I am not sure I will ever understand how I can hate all men and want them so badly at the same damn time, life's great oxymoron.

So, the real questions is, if I hover here like a hummingbird or just fly away.

ZomBie Dating Month

And we're back from the break with a whole 'nother slew of scatterbrained dating problems. You know I always thought that I might take all these ridiculous blogs and put them in a book -but it's kind of Sex in the City and kind of Bridgette Jone's Diary and that makes it kind of like already done. Plus, it's all Midwest and as I understand it coastal peoples hate that crap. Secret: It's because they are jealous of our flat, brown land.

So, I have dubbed April as Zombie Dating month as there were several resurrections -sadly not involving erections of any kind. Mr. No Show e-mailed me the creepiest e-mail ever asking that I meet him at a hotel room on North 27th -for our first date mind you. So, I put two in the head to make sure it was dead on that one and walked away. Never talking to him again. Ever. In more pleasant news I have also had two nice conversations with Mr. EU/PA -who sadly has been rather physically unavailable, but I'm not changing his title just yet. I really did like him even if he is an a$$hole and will remain one. Plus, he is fun to flirt with and I know if I can ever get to where I can see him, he would let me in his pants again, so there is that. Fun...anyway....

The Nerd Prince is still around, still riding in to save my bacon and make me happy in his way, every single day. He is as I told the bestie, "as usual putting all the men I date to shame." She called him the 1%, in reply. I have been on the brink several times of just jumping back in and begging him to be my man. I never tire of him, and this is the problem. Eventually I would tire of all of them -I can already tell. It's the minor eye rolling when they are being absolutely stupid and the suppression of my natural instincts around them that tell me it won't work. With him it's not like that -we have gone passed that to comfortable in each other presence -it recharges my batteries to be near him. And that is scarier than zombies. That "what if" I blew it with the perfect guy? What if I have to watch him move on? He is my friend, my charger, mine damn it. And the world simply can not have him back. Nope, not gonna do it. Everybody just step away from him, unless you want to deal with me. Gawd damn, no sex friend zone. F-F-F

And speaking of not getting any. Mr. English is still around. Yeah, I know I said I was gonna break up with him, but on the night I was gonna do it he took me to Cracker Barrel. And I friggin' love Cracker Barrel. I am after all a cracker. So, I couldn't go through with it --so as usual I dug the hole deeper as he is the only play I am getting at all. I went on another date after that and after messing around I asked him to be my BF. I think it's a big honor. He did not. He said, "I gotta mull it over." Which sent me into a frenzy of anger and disappointment. Huge disappointment.

So, now I get to choose if I want to straight up break up with him or like a flasher in a parking lot, just throw open the trench coat and show him all my huge flaws that I have been protecting him from. Bam -I suck at keeping to a budget. I want sex all the time and I don't wait for you. Pow -I don't clean, at all, my room is a huge mess. Crack -I go crazy on my period. Bam - I drink and smoke and enjoy both of them. Pow -I can eat a Big Mac in like ten seconds flat and fluctuate about ten pounds in two weeks all the time. Up/Down that is just how it is.  OR I could just be honest and say I sometimes don't like how he talks down to me, that  I might just want to have kids, and that he is moving too slow for me. Because all that stuff is true and not as overwhelming as the personal flaws would be. Hmmm, I'm gonna have to mull it over, I think.

Here Comes A Fighter....

Things seem okay. It's the same deal everyday, take a loan from dirty sharking angels to pay that huge tab in hell. The circle always comes around and round. I am learning to love it. Because I got tired of being crushed daily under the weight of paperwork and monotony. Looking for love makes me shameless, and being a number willingly makes me nameless. But, suddenly I wake up momentarily look up at the florescent above that computer screen and recall that I am special, spontaneous --a fucking joy to the lives I touch. And in that special forever second it's overwhelming how marvelously high and powerful I feel right then. Then just like that, it's gone again and I am sitting there wondering how I got there and what I was doing.

But, that moment of clarity is worth it. So, very worth it, that you spend your life grasping for it. It's what keeps ya going, moving forward, fighting onward. Beautifully wearing those puckering scars for everyone to see. "Yeah, look at me, I live." I am an honest representation of a human being. It makes me laugh.

I am a lady.  The penultimate of feminine strength, goodness, and loveliness. And no, you may not drag me down to where you are --it will ruin my shoes. So, if you fuck with me, I will stomp on you and use you as step stool to get back up, to rise once more, so I can shine for the people who need my light. I have to shine bright because this place is dark. I am needed like a lighthouse. I am brilliant like the sun for everyone to see. And the sun never goes out --it may go down, but still there. Waiting to warm you with my love, to sparkle your vampires, bring up your flowers, and make you sweat sweetly.

So, I don't care if you want to be my boyfriend. I am feeling good, dancing in my underwear, jumping up and down. Feeling sexy. I am appreciated like a walking work of art by everyone who sees me. The jiving imperfection of asymmetry is beauty if you shake it just right. Wink it just so it shimmers like light babies bouncing across water. Perfection is passe, I have graduated into the talent of striking peculiarity with a dash of humor and a ream of confidence. So, I am waxing my legs poetic tonight, smoking conventions in the bathtub of frothing jealous bubbles and oily gossip. Maybe tomorrow a normal blog....if I feel like it.

Issues....

Up late night tonight. As usual you don't find me on here unless I have some kind of issue. Which we kind of have in spades, just all the way around. Well. kind of. So, my roomies are moving. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I am staying put and getting a new roomie. She is another sister so it will be pretty much the same, in some ways I guess. But, it will mean more privacy for me, which I think is good. I would like to be able to invite a dude over once in a while.

Oh, yeah and still single, in case people were wondering, but not totally single. There is the ever-present Nerd Prince who has been lots of fun like usual and a kind of new guy. This is were my problem lies, as usual. Now, when I was fooling around with Mr. EU/PA I didn't really have a feeling of conflict as I was not really interested in a relationship with him. There was a development with the aforementioned 'doctor', whose title is more like Mr. English, as I like that one better. Mr. English is interesting, somewhat older, but has a lot of the same issues as most boys. He made a nice recovery from the "Dating Anger" blog with an articulate apology or explanation of what he really meant, so I have gone a couple more dates with him. He moves slowly.....very slowly, so for a fast mover, like me, that can, and is at times, very frustrating. However, I like him, so I am moving slowly with it and playing very casual about it --even if he doesn't really want to see me more than once a week and I have weird suspicions about whether I am the only girl he is seeing right now.

So, now I am having an issue about whether to tell my Nerd Prince about Mr. English. Now, this is not for the exact same reason I didn't want to tell him about Mr. EU/PA, because what I have with my prince is wonderful and comforting and comfortable and he is my very best guy friend I have ever had -ever. However, this with Mr. English is different from what I had with Mr. EU/PA. Mr. EU/PA never made it past three dates, even if we fooled around. Mr. English is on date five with me and we are starting to discuss things like sex and long term plans, goals and past histories -deep stuff with the intention of moving forward into some kind of relationship. I have even told him about my Nerd Prince and the fact that we dated previously but are still tight friends, which he said he had no problem with (at least now).

But, I cannot seem to get up the balls to tell the Nerd Prince about it. I can't cause that boy pain, it makes me want to die. He has problems of his own and I wouldn't want to cause him even a moment of discomfort, plus, there is the chance...just a chance, mind you, that he would react in a couple of ways I could not handle, like turning around and telling me he liked me more than friends at this point (even if he has said he didn't want to date me on like three different occasions) or freaking out and not talking to me anymore --both of which would make me absolutely crazy.

However, it could be nothing. Like I said, I have sneaking suspicions I am not the only girl Mr. English is going out with, although I have not asked him about it. People who have been cheated on get suspicious. I am pretty relaxed about it, but there are little things like this seeing each other once week thing or the fact that I have no idea what he does all day, but he e-mails only every once in a while and (just like Mr. EU/PA) says he doesn't check it often, which simply says intense lack of interest to me, which I hate. As we have stated before, I am sick to death of having to work for it all the time --if you're interested, act fucking interested...I mean I do, why is reciprocation so difficult on that. So, this could be another one that will simply crash and burn like the rest and, if so, why do I need to get my panties all in a bunch and tell my Nerd Prince about it when I think it might only upset him....Hmmm, I will have to think more on it.

St Pat's C-family Style!

Me, Dad, and Sis

Me, Mom, and D

A, Me, Mom, and D

Sis and Me

Sis

Sister A

Sister D

Gawd, I am such a bada$$.

Family, hanging out.

T and Sis and Roscoe

Happy St Pat's Everybody!

Dating Anger

So, is all fair in love and war? I really would like to know. I mean it, because if there are no rules anymore then what the hell am I doing playing fair. Really. I do know one thing. There is no room for excitement anymore. If you get excited about a date or a guy, they will completely let you down --and do you know why? Because your excitement is not seen as a good thing --it's a vile, annoying slew of e-mails which they have not the time nor the inclination to read or reply to, then it's seen as absolute crazy, clingy psycho behaviour. When really, it was just you trying to let them know that you liked them or thought they were cool.

My date on Sunday night went well. At least I thought it went well. I e-mailed a thank you to him after the date on Sunday night because I am polite and had a nice time. He let me know that he was very busy the next couple days. Okay, I understand that. I e-mailed again on Tuesday a funny little cartoon, short e-mail. I sent him today a little e-mail with some songs in it I liked, hardly any text at all. I got back something that said basically that he did not check his e-mail often (oh, hey S what are you doing back here again) and not to take offense if he didn't reply or that I should take offense about it now if I were "truly psychotic/needy/desperate/"cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" so that he would know right away that I was crazy. I wrote him back and said that I did know he was busy and that the little things I had not expected a reply on, they were just to be fun, nice things. Blah, blah, blah. And that was it. But, yeah, the damage was done. I took time to talk to him and try to make him happy and it gets thrown back in my face and I get called desperate and psychotic for being excited about somebody I thought was a nice guy.

So, I was feeling disappointed, let down once again, and disillusioned which prompted me to get on the pay site and see what had been happening in my absence as I had not gotten on in a while because Mr. New Guy had told me that his subscription was ending so he gave me his real e-mail and I had been using that. And do you know what? When I got on I find that he has viewed my profile within the last hour. WTF. So, let me get this straight...you are far too busy to communicate with me but not too busy to get on the dating website and hunt around for better. It made me sick to my stomach. I don't understand how these guys keep fooling me into thinking that they are worth my time and excitement. They're not, they're awful. Now, I am severely disappoint and feel a lot like crying. Okay, so I am somewhat hormonal today and I am crying. It's the price to be paid in order to make that emotional withdrawal from it. What a lousy jerk.

And this guy is not half as gentlemanly as the Nerd Prince or half as attractive as Mr. EU/PA. I don't know what I was thinking honestly. No, no, what I was thinking was, "I'll give him a shot, he's older, more mature, and will treat me well." But, I was lying to myself again. I saw things that weren't there. I hurt myself and am bleeding for it. I don't think I will talk to him again. I am really very upset about this.

Glasses

I am terrible. I have not been blogging. Really it should be easy, but I have some good excuses this time. The weekend was very busy actually, Most of it involved fun activities with the Nerd Prince who was really top notch good times all weekend.

There was a bit of a new development on the dating front as I got a number of e-mails and finally a date with a gentlemen hence forth to be known as 'The Doctor', as he is dangerously close to being a doctor of English (Has a masters in creative writing no less). He was a contact on the new paying site. Not sure yet what to make of him as our first date was on Sunday night. Unlike some of the others on the free site he is about ten years older than I am, which is very interesting. He is severely intelligent, although looks exactly like what I would call up in my mind of an English professor. Not incredibly attractive, but attractive, articulate. At the end of our first date I got a rather unexpected and exciting kiss. So, I have decided that if he asks me out again. I'm gonna go. In fact I am nervously awaiting some kind of e-mail from him.

Whereas this should put me in a good place, because the Prince and I are friends, good friends, in my mind it doesn't. I am terribly afraid to tell him I had a nice date with someone else. I mean, I know that there is nothing he could do that would make us not be friends -we are too far in for that to ever happen -but, I'm not sure how he feels about it. We've never openly discussed it. I mean we skirt the issue and are getting more comfortable talking in generalities about dating and kidding around about it. But, I am that girl who has problems seeing things that aren't there, remember. I want to be able to tell him about it and laugh and ask him his perspective on it, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable or, god forbid, he has some kind of romantic feelings for me and gets mad and never wants to talk to me ever again.  I would be utterly crushed. So, what do I do? I will have to think on it. We are having dinner tomorrow.

I went and got my nails done on Sunday, but the lady who did them left them a little long for my tastes so typing has been somewhat difficult. Then this morning I thought I had an eyelash in my contact, but it is some kind of stye, so I had to take my contacts out and throw them away. I rubbed my great-grandmother's wedding ring on it so hopefully it will start going away. But, this puts me squarely in a pair of six year old glasses that are a prescription or two off from what I should be wearing. I can see, but no well, and I think I look fucking ridiculous. My real glasses make my eyes look like pinpoints and they are thick. Really thick. I hate them, but it looks like I will have to wear them for at least a couple of days until my eye heals up and I am not happy about it.

However, considering all the things I see and don't see....I really must be metaphorically blind, so why not literally for a few days.

Day At The Museum...

Went to the Joslyn Art Museum today. We went to see the Egyptian exhibit on loan from the Brooklyn Museum. It as really cool, but there was no photography allowed, so we took some pics around other places in the museum. It as all very cool. I love the art museum. I love any museums really. Much fun was had by all.

Sister was one of the driving forces behind the trip to the museum as she really, really wanted to see the Egypt stuff. However, she also appreciates Renaissance art like the painting of St. Michael there which is also very cool. We got postcards of our favorite paintings this time and I got a little Bastet figurine to protect me, as Bast was the goddess of joy and protector of women. She is also thought to be the eye of the moon according to the tag on my little cat statue. I have put her right behind the laptop so she can watch over my dating escapades as I could use the help...and a little bit of joy in that area, if she has the time.

Ah, speak of the devil Bast is supposed to be keeping an eye on, as well, K had a lovely time perusing the art with great prejudice as you can see in the photo. Right now, he is thinking about how grateful he is that breasts never go out of style and I am thinking more men should take girls to the Art museum because that is a perfect way to get laid. Then we look at each other and pretend we are just 'friends'. Super.

Ha, I am joking. He got back on the dating website this week too, so the real news ticker on that one is that we really ARE just friends. That was what made me so mad/sad and prompted my pity party blog earlier this week, in case people were wondering about that one. Sometimes losing things in reality prompts big changes in my world of fantasy --it was a wake-up call I knew was coming, but didn't want. Such is life.

I threw a quarter in there. I'll give you one guess what I wished for. Should be pretty plain by now. I've also got an old cat goddess working on it for me now too, so we shall see.

I'm joining a yoga class on Monday. Not that the figure looks bad in this pic, but it could look better, tighten up those abs and lose the extra arm weight and I'd be pretty close to my perfect. The rest of it is muscle plain and simple and I will need that if I'm gonna break off a piece. Also, kind of funny and cute. Got a rather quick e-mail from S, which was nice and typically trite, but the fun part is that when it gets warmer he has offered to teach me to play racquetball. I think he finally punished all the old guys at his club so much they won't play with him anymore. Plus, with his tennis elbow maybe he needs an easier opponent, like this girl. I am one huge sports blooper reel waiting to happen, but I'm excited about it anyway. Work and other stuff is coming along well. I wanted to see K again this weekend, but he is going out with the guys tonight and tomorrow he is working for a friend, so it looks like I've been pushed to Monday night. Attitude is back on the way up, which is nice, so this week should be really positive.

Turn Out The Lights

Last night boys and girls we discussed how my life is sometimes a great show that I put on, with some nagging true behind it. Tonight, I'm running on stage and sending everyone home. Piss off, no show tonight. I gonna sit in the middle of the stage, drink, cry, howl and smoke, on the black painted flatness of the desolate stage. I'd been doing so well, too. I mean you could see the little cracks under the pancake make-up if you got close enough, not that I let too many people get that close, but they were there. No one saw them because I was smiling all the time, my mask, like my fake glasses to hide my unpretty nose.

So, what sent me spiraling in to the swinging door of depressions raving pity party today? I could so easily play the victim. Honestly, I want to, it would be easy. For the regular readership, it's pretty plain already that I live in these idealized dream worlds of fairness and romance that DON'T EXIST. There is no such place, no such time, it doesn't happen. People don't fall in love with you just because you try harder, are tenacious, persistent, and steadfast. They see it as annoying or comforting in the fact that you are on their hook because they get something they need from you.

They don't love me, but I felt content to give, to be there wrapped in a blanket of denial and fantasy about it. I get it. In rare moments of clarity I feel the pain of this thing I have created. But, Wonderland is full of bad things that I think are pretty. Stinging flowers, poisoned chocolates, green grass made of stick pins. I put my hands over my eyes and pretend. I hide at windows, watching things unfold that hurt me and prepare how I should look and turn away pretty so that no one knows I die in pieces, turning off those quadrants of my brain in order to not feel it at all. Learn to cry quietly and to tell people that I don't do it at all.

My chest just aches. People say heartache is metaphor, but I've managed to manifest it somehow...heavy and aching, burning the back of my throat and knotting my neck up. I shouldn't take it so hard when I knew it was coming. That's the lesson on this one. Stop telling people you love them until they say it first --then you know you're safe. Stop caring and simply function. Putting ones heart out is ridiculous, especially when mine is so broken and beat-up. Who would want that old piece of crap anyway, it can't even keep a beat. The new show will be "Pretend We Don't Care: The Saga of Superwoman or Sadly Alone Girl". It's gonna be good, I've been rehearsing.

So, tonight I am claiming the word 'defective', it's an unhealthy four characteristic, but I don't give a shit. I have been working tirelessly to try and 'fix' me for so damn long. Tonight, I don't care about getting back up, fighting harder, I'm just gonna lay down here on the flat black, come up with a plan and play opossum. I was fine before, without either of them....I'll be fine. Time marches on so maybe I just sit here and watch the parade for a while, smoking my 50th cigarette and cataloguing all the things I regret, but say I don't regret. I'll tell you a little secret, the list is lengthy, but it seems like I have the time.

Out Of Principle

Hey, So, sometimes it's important to admit that you may be blowing smoke. I do it sometimes, it's a character flaw. I want to be important so I make myself seem important. I want to be loved so I make is seem like I am a person worth loving. I want to be powerful, so really I just have fantasies about being powerful in my mind as I have no idea how to come off as powerful. Some days I am very aware I am doing it, others I realize afterwards that I was doing it, and on the odd occasion I do it without even knowing. I believe it's that part of me that is an actress --but really it's probably the part of me that feels ever inadequate like a gollum sort of creature that makes me do crazy shit. Still I am human and that makes me many things anyway.

But, this is not about all those things, it's about one thing in particular. I have never lied about all the goings on in my dating life. I have laid them out and examined them here, in print, for me to better understand them. I read every stupid dating article Yahoo puts on there and personalize it to me. So, here are some things from today that were revelations, but are probably true shit I just don't want to hear:

• 1). Although I am a well balanced human being, Mr. Poet And He Knows It may have been right about the fact that I am, on occasion, a very lonely individual. There is a component of me that longs to still be on that long terminal relationship suffering under the rule of my Ex --but still with him to be with someone. I miss the comfort of someone who knows me well and wakes up with me every morning. Constant new dates means constant new anxiety for me.

• 2). When things on the dating websites is not going as I would like, that is like shooting a hole in my whole day. Some days I could not care less about it, honestly. Then some days, like today, I take the rejections and lack of e-mails as a direct reflection of my self worth. Which is ridiculous, I know, but it does not stop it from happening. As much as I like to say, "Fuck, those drooling Snog-Bunnies Boys. I don't need them." Really, literally that is what I want and it is not happening, so I reject it out of principle because I CAN'T have them.

• 3). No one loves a fat girl, unless you are Adele. I don't give a shit if I've started to build muscle or what the fuck is going on. I wanna be thin. A thin skinny hungry bitch. So, this may take a little more work than I had originally figured. However, if I want it so badly I can taste it, I had better learn to sate my hunger on the taste of victory and concepts intangible. There is a girl at work who has invited me to join her $3 a session yoga class over my lunches on Mon-Wed-Fri like five different times, maybe instead of pussing out I should just damn well do it.

• 4). Friends and family still love a fat girl, even if you're not Adele. In the midst of my pity party for myself today (as I have put back on ten hard won pounds in three days) a bestie had good advice on staying positive and what might be the cause of the mystery weight gain and a Prince reminded me that he thinks I am gorgeous which made me so grateful that expressing it would be impossible (I very nearly offered him a BJ over my work e-mail, that's how grateful, and he would have deserved every second of it).

So, there it is laid out. It was not a good day, but tomorrow will be. Happiness takes work. Today I just didn't work hard enough. Tomorrow I will. Simple.

Dates, Frozen Yogurt, and Paying For It

Okay, so this another catch up blog...because laziness really only leads to more work when you get to it finally. So, Thursday night was a date with S and Friday night was a date with K. Both went really well in my opinion. They are both splendid men in each of their own unique ways. However, neither of them fell in love with me on said dates. S even mentioned that he had a date with a new girl on Friday, which has kind of bothered me ever since, but I'm trying not to be weird about it. He hasn't even e-mailed or texted, so as much as he was a lost cause before, I feel doubly so about it now which makes me sad. He was just starting not to be an a$$hole to me all the time too. Dang it.

On Saturday night I got a strange craving for berry flavored frozen yogurt. So, I called my go-to-guy K and begged him to take me for yogurt. And amazingly, he just came and picked me right up and took me. That guy is fantastic. Just want I wanted, right then. It is then no wonder at all, that I must remind myself once more that he is not my boyfriend and calling him like he is is rude and bad. I must not do that again. Sigh.

Also been chatting with a dude on the dating website, however, he is overly pretentious and even admits he is somewhat arrogant (which he is in spades). Mr. Poet And He Knows It, would be his title as he is a published poet and performer. Although the conversations have been interesting, they leave a bad taste in my mouth. He even had the audacity to say that my conversations and dating profile came off as 'very lonely. Which must be difficult'. So, I explained how I am not overly desperate or lonely and am a well balanced human being who did not need to be told that. What an a$$. So, I will probably not e-mail him back.

This series of conversations prompted me to....pay for it. Yep. I got on one of the paid to see profiles dating websites. I bought a three month subscription. I am not incredibly excited about that, but from my milling around and creating a profile, this seems to be where all the 30-45 yr old males seem to be for the purposes of dating. No wonder I was getting copious amounts of e-mails from kids. So, we see where this leads us. I am trying to be more positive about it. But, I hate the fact that I had to give in to paying for it. And the number of people that are on the pay site and on the free site is stunning, like everyone has a dual dating profile with the same pictures, etc. It makes me feel shallow -and desperate and lonely.

I'm just in a weird place mentally today, I suppose. Today's playlist, in order to up the positive a bit:

Tonight is the Night -Outasight
When The Lights Go Down -Grace V
Princess of China -Coldplay ft Rhianna
Keep Your Head Up -Andy Grammar

New Trax Night...

Totally fun song!

Turn Up the Music --God, I wish this wasn't by Chris Brown...

Awwh, totally cute track.

All for tonight. I needed kind of a rest...my brain's on overload from a bunch of stuff...particularly a scary picture the bestie sent to me....disturbing. Painted my nails and they look hella cool. Tomorrow it's a meeting at work and a date after work. Hoping both go well. It would be nice, but hey, either way I will survive it. Wish I was feeling a little more confident about how I looked, but today seems to be a day when I can see every single line, wrinkle, jiggle, flaw and issue my whole body has. Sigh. Once more going to bed early to try to get those dark circles to go away. Couldn't seem to do anything with my hair today either and that didn't really help all the self-image issues I'm having. I have my fingers crossed that tomorrow will be better. Please, baby Jesus, Jewish God, and Tom Cruise let me be pretty tomorrow, and maybe the next day, and the day after that....well, you know what I mean.

Don't Over Think It.

I'm not over thinking anything tonight. I decided upon that one when I got out of bed this morning. My V-day was really very good. Honestly. I got a box of candy from a co-worker, had two cupcakes from different people, really got great gifts for a couple people, and had a lovely dinner with K and a couple of my sisters and my brother-in-law. Things went well. No complaints at all.

I am making a great effort not to over analyze things if I can help it. And I can help it. It can be done if I simply stay very busy. I did tell K that I loved him again. In an e-mail. I did it because he makes me happy and not telling him is what seems so unjustifiably weird sometimes. It's not meant to be awkward, I suppose probably because I don't expect him to say it back. It's just a statement of fact, "I feel a great deep sense of affection for you in a way that should only be expressed in the simplest of terms meaning 'love'." I say I love my friends and family, I see no good reason not to tell him when he is so wonderful to me all the time. It does not, or should not, in my mind, obligate him to anything at all.

However, after sending it, I did then feel like he might freak out --I'm an Ex after all and I know some boys would freak out --but, I hope he sees it for the gentle, good thing that it is and is cool about it. Who knows? I am rather tired of trying to anticipate everyone's reactions to everything I say and do. I mean there is general courtesy and such to be observed, but really I can't please everyone all the time so today I pleased me. I tell good people that they mean something to me and that is what matters. If I were to lay down tonight and not wake up...I would be satisfied that I told him once more that he makes me happy and that there is always a safe place in me for him. He is a good man and deserves to know that, even if it may be tough or awkward to hear. My heart's in the right place --still inside my chest doing it's job. I'm not over thinking it. Staying honest can be rough, especially in the crater filled hills and valleys of personal relationships and communications.

My love is a good thing. It's wonderful to have and even more fun to give away to people. I've really got so much of it that I don't mind giving it all away, just as long as I have a little for myself, and that's the way it should be. So, pat on the back, I had fun today, did well at being me. Now I'm going to bed...maybe tomorrow I'll do it again.

Squishy Love

I am attempting to elevate my mood with a good infusion of quick dance trax. This one is fun and catchy...nothing really special, but if you need a nice slam of dance music, well, here it is.

Today, was good. I was supposed to have coffee with K, but ended up calling him early in the day and we had a really fun lunch at VI. I love hanging out with him. We went to a couple of stores and did some light shopping. He needs a new phone so we phone shopped too. I also broke down and gave him his watch early because on V-day he is having dinner on kind of a double date/not a date because we are friends thing with me and the roomies. He really loved it. I really loved that he really loved it. I honestly, didn't know how it would go over, but the watch like him is sophisticated and pretty darn sweet --he really seemed like he liked it to me. I was intensely proud of getting him a good gift that surprised him. Piece by piece I am infusing his wardrobe and making him into the hottest IT professional in the city. He is good looking, he just needs that little extra push of help that a stylish girl can give him. That's what friends (who are secretly in love with you because they are slightly insane hopeless romantics) are for, right? --Insert crooked harmless looking smile here.--

On that note, I did a bit more researching into my Enneagram nature of being a Four. I like self-evaluation, in my mind, it helps me be a better person. But, I read all this stuff about me and how I react in a relationship, all of it hit kind of a nerve with me. It was all true, but horribly terribly true. And other than putting it in my face, did me no good as it did not say how NOT to be like that. It also said I have a propensity to cling to a feeling that I am 'defective'. I'm not 'defective'. I'm effective and efficient. I don't know. I find myself rationalizing behaviors and looking at past experiences for some kind of future wisdom, but it seems to elude me. I have a date on Thursday, that I am really very excited about as it took some major wrangling to get this boy's attention and time, but now I feel like I should text him not to even show up. I will f*ck it up. No matter what I do, it will be me who lights it on fire and then throws myself on top of the pyre. I try too hard. I always try too damn hard and smother the little guy in my hands. "I just love you so much....{Squish}. Oh, Damn it, it happened again." Frustrating.

I think that may be why I just function better if I'm not in love. Because I imagine better than it ever is. I probably always will. Perhaps, and this is not a terribly bad thing, I am designed to be alone. Better at being a person by myself, doing my own things, rather than attempting to make something work that may never, in fact, work for me. Maybe, I have nothing better to obsess about right now and should really be going to bed and not worrying about it. Hmmmm. Yep. Going to bed.

I'm So Evil Sometimes...

Okay, so ya know how some days I am really good and sweet and nice. Well, some days I am just awful and evil. See this photo? Nice, yeah, she's pretty. See how it's saturated red? Well, there's a reason for that. As a Dating Scientist, sometimes I experiment, particularly on my dating website. I know you're saying, "If she's really serious about finding love she wouldn't piss off fate constantly by experimenting on the site." Yes, I'm aware. However, the site has really been interesting this close to Valentine's Day --there has been an incredible pick up in the e-mailing as I mentioned before, however there has not been an incredible pick up in the quality of these gentleman desperate to find something, just anything that will date them.

Now, in nature, it is often the brightly colored plumage of the male that is used to attract the female of that species. It's all over the place, birds, fish, mammals, the animal kingdom is just chalk full of examples of this. So, as an experiment I took one of my pictures and saturated it red. Red is a passionate color, an eye grabber, a power color. It's also one of my favorite colors, coincidentally. Photo is somewhat neutral...not cheesy smile, just straight, as few facial lines as possible, hair worn down slightly romantic curls, big eyes looking mischievously out of frame (perhaps at you). And a POP of color. So, I put this up today and am monitoring my profile views to see if the number increases.

The results so far have been terribly interesting. It has gotten noticed and in a big way. E-mails increased, profile views increased....however, and this is the really interesting part, the age of the e-mailers and viewers has dropped sharply. We'll say that previously I would get mostly e-mails and views from gentleman around the age of thirty. I'm thirty-ish so this is very cool with me. After posting the new photo I have been astounded to find myself being propositioned no less than four separate times by boys who are twenty-ish (One was 19, another 20, and two 23yr olds). Now, this kind of weirds me out as I am not into kids and all of them were very much kids. Good looking, sweet kids. I'm gonna keep the picture up until Valentine's Day and take it off after that, but I consider this one a very fun and positive experiment, maybe next time I'll try blue or green. Dating Scientist Out!

Awh, she's sentimental...

Hey, blog readers. Thought this one was fun and sentimental for V-day. Watched Up! today and it was just as good as I remembered. Worked out until everything hurts again. Ha, ha...probably also for V-day. A little tired, may take a nap, may just keep fooling around on the interent, haven't really decided yet. :)

Outside/Inside

Sometimes I can look at the same people everyday and not notice them. I can walk away from the things that I think with cause me harm. And sometimes I just go out to dinner with them and fall in love with them again and again and again. I look at him like through a pane of glass, seeing that he's just on the other side, untouchable, unreachable and smile and love him anyway. It's almost enough to be that close sometimes, so close you fog up the window with your breath and feel how warm he is right through the glass. But the window's still there. He won't open it. I won't open it because he asked me to close it. That doesn't mean I walked away from it. I'll just wait right here, trying not to look like a stalker.

Over Already?

Okay, so it's over...at least for a while. Football season has ended. Sigh. Yeah, I know, it was a fun time while it lasted. I had a good time getting into it this year...really fun. I even feel like I may have taken K down with me. We had a super excellent time going to watch the Super Bowl at Risky's last night. The commercials were funny. I wish the Pats had won, but hey, that is okay. TBrady Magic can't make the WR's catch if they are simply not gonna catch. Still, I will miss the excitement of a game every weekend for a while. Prep for next year's league is already going on.

This next week is a super busy one, even if I have today off. Tomorrow will be straight work, as much as possible. Wednesday (payday) work then 'Woman in Black' and Don and Millies with ever sweet K. Thursday, half day and dental appt. (shiver). Friday, work then FAC with old buddies from previous work, if they don't all bail on me. Must mail V-day stuff by Friday, if it's going in the mail. Then maybe a weekend to myself.....then dun, dun, dun...actual V-day week. I am dreading it, however, there is fun thing as I already have semi-tentative date plans for sometime that week (Not on V-day). Nothing in stone, mind you, but did have an offer to go out from someone I haven't heard from in a while, which was, in a strange way, kind of nice. I know I'm being vague about it...but that is how it is with this one...vague. No need to get overly excited about a 'maybe, kind of' date that might not even happen.

I will say this about V-day though, as much as I hate 'Single Person Awareness Day', it sure does light a fire on a dating website. Suddenly the old inbox lights up with sadly desperate dating offers and thinly disguised come-on's. Hilarious. Like some tapped these boys lightly on the shoulder and then screamed at them, "Hey, how do you like being alone?! You had better find a girl, and do it quickly!"
I even got an e-mail, finally, from Mr. Calorie Counter, who had not seen fit to e-mail me after our date two weeks ago, blah, blah-ing about how he'd been really busy and now wanted to talk. Really, he thinks I am desperate enough to keep talking to him...yeah, no, moved on to other stuff. See ya. Boys are friggin' idiots sometimes. Did I give you the vibe that I have nothing better to do then wait on you? Because I do. So, that was that. He was easy to toss, good looking, but not that interesting, ego the size of a country in Europe. Now, if I could just figure out the ones I'm concentrating on that would be a miracle of god. Also, in nature's most ironic of turns, I will likely be out of romantic circulation over the dreaded date itself. Funny, isn't it? Yeah, a bloody riot.

Super Bowl Sunday!!

After an obnoxious amount of flubbering about, K saved my bacon and said that he would just take me to Risky's today for the game so I don't have to rely on my roommates decision to go somewhere or not. I am so excited I can hardly stand it. The boy is a master of recovery. I was all hormone crazy and strange for the last two days. Today, I am feeling back to normal, with a topper of game excitement and a dash of naughtiness. We were talking on the phone and I was so excited I was like, "Yeah, see you later. I lo-o....uh, yeah bye." Yeah that's right I nearly told him I loved him. I am so f-caking ridiculous. But, that is how totally happy he made me today. I don't even care if the rest of the day goes well or not...that was worth it. He can be just the sweetest thing next to a honeybee drowning in marshmellow fluff sometimes.

So, woohoo! Oh, and really, more of my blogs need to have comments about strippers or sex in general as my readership for that day was 30 and for yesterday was an abysmal 5. Really? Yep. Sometimes my life is really fun and spicy and some days it really is just mundane and repetitive. That is just how it goes people. I can't be exciting all the time?! I get tired, hormonal, and sad sometimes just like everyone else. So, everyone just has to suffer and wait for the fun ones. :)

New Tracks Saturday

1). Fun Party Track --"Midnight, midnight" The Pottbelleez

2). Intensely Catchy Track --"Down With The Trumpets" Rizzle Kicks

3). Dance Track --"Dub Me Crazy" Bulletproof Ft Jesse G

4). Alternative Track --"Bad To Me" Loon Lake

5). If You Like Adele You'll Like This Track --"Do You Need Somebody" Beth Ditto

6). Bring It Down A Notch Track --"Skinny Love" Bon Iver

Enjoy the music. Life's about listening, as well as singing. Kisses, goodnight.

The Night After....

So, guess who's favorite aspiring author got comfy with strippers last night. Uh, yeah, that would be me. I'm the one in the picture with my shirt on. Please note that sh*t eating grin as it appear in most of the pictures. It was really a magnificent time. They were excellent dancers and considering I wasn't paying them to chat, really did exactly what they were supposed to do, which was take off their clothing for my money.

I have no idea what their names were. I wasn't paying attention to their names much. I mean look at those jeans. They smelled really good too, which was a total bonus. And when I did talk to a couple of them they were really sweet and nice, which is also very cool.

That one in the middle he was my favorite. Mainly because he was tall like I like'em. And look at those shoulders, a monkey can swing from a nice tree like that. However, they did a really cute number to 'Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy' all dressed up as cowboys and for some reason it really did the trick for me. I've never even liked cowboys and there are plenty of them out here. There was however, no Nerds or Lawyers like I was hoping. Oh, well, I'll settle for hot cowboys...I suppose.

Yeah, that's the smile on my face when I pay two bucks to have some guy lap dance me in a bar. However, this is just after and he is just as nice from behind. Come on, it was a cell phone picture in a really dark bar, you're lucky to be seeing it at all. Plus, if I ever go into politics I can say this was just random coincidence that there is a nearly naked stripper behind me shaking his a$$. I was only there to deliver the good word of Jesus to the Heathens.

Yep, just standing around looking hot. I bet they work out all the time. I got to touch a bunch of them actually, which my sister said is a 'no, no', but they were really nice to touch, like great skin, slick, warmish. Just really nice to touch. This is not saying it was okay to just put your mitts all over them, but they put my hands on them so it wasn't like I wandered into a museum and started petting the paintings, they MADE me touch'em. Really is it any wonder I am broke? I mean seriously.

Once again a nice shot of my fav, Tall Guy. Look at that sweet, sweet babyface. A lovely picture of a sweet boy who made me happy and has not caused me one moment of unhappiness. Thus, he is little more than a fantasy, as real boys do nothing but cause me stress and emotional bullshit. Ugh, don't even get me started on that one, even the one who was working out recently decided to piss me off. I should have just handed over his Valentine's day gift to this guy, just shoved it down the front of his tight, tight jeans and walked away with a smile on my face.

Maybe had I done that I would still look like this. I had a very good time. The ladies I went with also had a very good time, as we confered about it and passed around pictures this morning. My new phone's camera wasn't great so my pics were not half as good as these, however I did get a short video of them dancing which no one else had, so that was kind of cool. As experiences go it was one worth having. Now, the girls want to try and get me to go with them to Iowa to a real strip club. I'm not sure about that one, but who knows, it could be fun right?

On a hilarious side note, when I got home I got undressed, to put my nightgown on, and a dollar fell out of my bra. I have no idea how it got down there. None. Yeah, I went to see strippers and ended up with money in MY underwear. I think that only says positive things, really. Don't you?

Scoundrels and Skanks

Okay, so work went badly today. Consider it was four months to get a bad day that is not too bad at all. However, the ridiculousness that made my day bad was insane.

I went to the bathroom at around 9 am. Took a pee and washed my hands. This troll woman came in and used the same stall after me. I go back and show my friend at work my new cool slap watch which is very cool. Then on the way back to my desk, I get called into my supervisor's office. He asks me flat out, "Were you smoking in the ladies restroom?" I think he is joking as 'Smokin' in the Boys Room' starts playing in my head. He shakes his head and I realize he is serious. OMG. What? No, I would never, ever, never do that. He then discloses that HR rec'd a complaint that I was smoking in the restroom. I was aghast. Offended, totally taken aback. It's a baldfaced lie. Someone went to HR and told them a LIE about me, for no reason at all.

I am nice to everyone in my office. I always say 'hi' and smile at everyone. I was so angry I was shaking for the half hour after that. So, now I get to go talk to him tomorrow to see if this will effect my probation at my new job. I am not totally worried about it as my supervisor said he believed me, but considering how much of an OA I am work, it is killing me that someone would do that. I also flat out told him that I would never use that restroom again...I will walk to the other one in the main hallway as I didn't want to share a restroom with someone who would make up hogwash about my activities in the restroom and report them to HR. I've never had a complaint against me at any job I have ever worked at...ever.

I have put on a brave face about it and went through the rest of my day pretending I wasn't intensely hurt by it. But, I was. I want to believe people are good, but every once in a while I am reminded that most people just want to tear you down so they feel better about themselves and that is a tough one. So, once again tomorrow I will attempt to remain dignified and professional in an office that I now feel is out to get me. I also will need to make a decision about how I want to handle the recent meetings we have been having to discuss the unprofessionalism of the team this Troll woman is on, as I now know that she has a 100% chance of retaliating against me, which includes falsifying complaints against me. I have up to this point been very vocal, but believe that I may now need to back down...at least until my probation is over which is the end of May, as it restarted when I got promoted. I don't like it, but what I do like is my job and if that means I go straight to my cubicle everyday and talk to no one for four months...then that is what I damn well do.

Upgrade?

Okay, so part of the goal with riding the bus was to NOT spend money. It's to save money so I can get that car fixed. So, today rather than going to the mall, I went to the Goodwill for new trousers for work. Work pants are a necessity not frivolous, but they must be bought on the cheap for two reasons --First, I am losing weight so they won't fit in about a month. Second, save remember, gotta be saving money not spending it. I totally ruined this concept last week by buying a V-day gift for someone who is not my boyfriend. Even if I love him, he's not...because he says he's not.

But, the fact that I'm an overly romantic idiot has been discussed again and again and simply will not change. Ha, ha. With all of this said, I did manage to pick up two nice pair of trousers at the Goodwill. One pair is gray and Body By Victoria and the other is blk with pinstripes from New York & Co. I also got a khaki skirt from New York & Co. All for $12 --mainly because the checkout lady didn't charge me for one pair of pants, but I didn't realize this until i got to the car. Sister picked up two new summer dresses and a rather cute skirt I might end up borrowing. I was also kind of having a rather lumpy fat day so shopping for pants was kind of awful. Oh, well, mission accomplished.

However, then we went to Shopko for some things she needed. There was a very cool red alligator skin wallet on clearance for $6. I couldn't walk away from it. I needed a new wallet. Then we passed into the electronics section and I was perusing the phones, as I kind of hate how cheap and janky mine is...or was I should say, because I bought a new phone. There was one on sale that had a camera and could play music ringtones and had a keyboard so I might be able to text once in a while as the old one had this system of texting where I had to push the button four times to get an 'S'. I hated it. So, now I have a new cool phone, as pictured above. I was even able to transfer over my old number and all my minutes. Awesome! So, it only cost me in the fact that I had to buy it and it was on sale. Well, then I needed some ringtones, and I did get on-line and buy some cool hardcases for it. So, there was that. Now I think I need more memory for it, but on the up and up, it only can handle a 4gb microSD card and they are selling those on Amazon for $5.

So, I'm having coffee with K tonight. He has an Amazon Prime account so I figured I would ask him to buy it because that means he gets free two day shipping on whatever he buys from there. So, the cost should be minimal. I am still trying to curb my spending and I'm doing well, I just need to keep it up.

The phone rocks, btw. It plays Party Rock Anthem when people call me so I dance around and look like an smiling fool. And my text tone is Bulletproof by La Roux. I think it's figgin's sweet. Plus, now I can take pictures of the strippers. And who doesn't like pictures of strippers?