Mr. Simple

So, the K-pop song above roughly translates to you are a great person, go out and bitch about the person who hurt you with your friends and get over it because you are awesome. I usually look for an English Dub if I can find one to make it easier for the readership, but could not find one I liked for this one. Mostly I like all the different flavored teenage ass dancing around in this one -but the message is also important. I think the blonde one is my favorite, no wait, it's the dark spiky haired one, wait...Anyway, still looking for Mr. Simple wondering around here waiting to take me home. The search has been rather abysmal, but amusing at the same time. So, there is your update on that one.

Wow, I got kind of tied up -figuratively, not literally -the last couple of days with the new story. I have forty pages down on it now so I am pretty excited. Kind of just put my head down and went into my writing hole for a few days. Sorry about that. I'd like to say that I did a bunch of other things, but really I didn't. I did not even accomplish the laundry sitting in the basket behind me. I am having a super difficult time on where to go with this one, not that my plots are over complicated, most of the time if there are two love interests the heroine gets them both --but, this does not seem to work for the new heroine who I feel is leaning heavily toward the guy who is turning out to the be the bad guy, which heads the story into the territory of a sad ending or a sad phyrric victory. Either way, I don't know if I can get her a happy ending on this one and really, that kind of bothers me --okay, it bothers me a lot as it happens to be mirroring, ever so slightly, my real love life (which I swore I would never do/write about, as my real love life is stupid boring.) So, what to do?

Oh, well, I keep working on it. There is always tomorrow. My sister has been urging me to look for ways to get things published now. She says it is ridiculous that I have all this material and no one reading any of it, making me money. Not that I really do it for money, but come on, it would be nice if I could say I was a published author. So, that is the main thing to concentrate on. I did stay true to my word and put in about three new job apps everyday I had off. I would like to say this made me feel accomplished, but -shit, this is my diary- no, it didn't and really I am getting super frustrated about it, which helps my mood, not at all.

On a brighter note, I did get an e-mail that the draft is set for this Saturday, so I will have my fantasy football team soon, which should be uber fun. Also, I think that with K and I having a day off together tomorrow, that we will probably get a good amount of scrapbooking done --which would be good as that is another thing that I have kept saying I was doing, but kept putting off because we like doing it together. Ate a bunch of pasta last night, but as I have been keeping up with my exercise and am currently a captive in the red tower of ladydom, I did still manage to lose another two pounds. Not bad. I believe I can make my current goal of 130 by Christmas, seems doable.

Sunday-ish

Let me see, I worked and I worked. That is about the long and short of me weekend. Tomorrow when the whole world goes back to work, I have the day off. God, I hate my schedule sometimes. Freakishly turned around.

K and T cleaned out the garage today so they could put their car in it. I am not sure the trash people will take all the crap, but who knows. I am feeling kind of surly --no particular reason why, just a general broad discontentment.  I am sure it will pass. I had an okay night at work and like I said, I get to look forward to a day off tomorrow.

I know this sounds a little crazy, but I miss having a BF. I haven't gone out and done a couple-y activity in like two weeks it seems like. Plus, he gave me a great reason to keep the room spotless, which without it, I must say I have kind of let the room get a bit on the dirty side. Perhaps tomorrow I should really give it a thorough going over, but then I think to myself that no one but me is going to see it anyway and kind of push it off to the side. I really need to just suck it up and get it done.

I'm also making it a priority to put out some more job apps. At least three everyday that I have off is the goal as I am really hitting it hard. Today was my mom's b-day. I facebooked her b-day, but didn't get to call or anything which makes me feel awful about it. I should have called when I thought about it.

Kind of wish I had something good to say other than super mundane, blah, blah, blah. Nope, nothing is coming. Well, perhaps tomorrow something cool will happen. Maybe I will make something cool happen. Hmmmm.

Quick Coffee Break

Quick Blog today,  I got up early so I could have a cup of coffee before work, ended up checking e-mail (neither of which I got to respond to full like I would like, it will have to wait until after work around 4-ish) and writing another page on the story, which is going really very well, in my opinion. Wish I could do what I did yesterday again --I dropped fifteen pages on that bitch yesterday. So, I'm feeling pretty good. Even in the first person it is still coming along. I missed the all inclusiveness of my writing, the escapism I find in it is awesome.

However, today I am back to work for a string of days. So, once again we are back to writing when we have the chance and thinking about writing while we hang up clothes and look happy about it. I pray some of those apps I put out there the last couple of days pan out. The goal is regular work before Black Friday. And it is a goal I really must meet, I don't know if I could survive Black Friday at the ole Bullseye.

Also, the song on this one is one I have been listening to since the bestie left town -dang it is addictive. I even posted it on my facebook already. Thanks for the music crack, Bestie.

Thundercats RE-vamp

So, as mentioned in my previous blog, I did watch some Thundercats last night. The new ones that are on Cartoon Network now. And I had a few things to say about it. Now, maybe these comments are peppered with the longings of my youth and perhaps with the bitterness of my age, but I had to get them out there in case another other fanboys/fangirls agreed with me.

So, the animation is awesome, there is just no getting around that --the whole thing is jaw droppingly gorgeous and really a lot of eye candy. Also, most of the outfit changes I pretty much agreed with --yeah, why didn't the original Thundercats ever wear pants?...and did that subconsciously lead to my sisters love of wearing no pants, or mine perhaps....hmmm. However, as you can see Cheetara's pants have this weird Vee in the front that seemed just, well, unneeded. Also, I liked that Snarf doesn't f-ing talk, in the new one he is like a cute furry, and actually funny character. I also liked that the new Mumm-Ra is super creepy, very cool.

And now things I hated. Now I always liked Wily Kit/Cat because they were not kids they were simply smaller adult cats because Wildcats are smaller than lions or tigers, get it? That's why they were cool to me. In the new ones they are small annoying children with huge appetites (very anime), so that did not set exactly well with me. And I hate some of the other character changes. Lion-O is better, not so whiny, etc. But Tygra who used to be modest and smart, is now super arrogant and stupid. He used to be one of my favorite characters, but now he seems like he is waiting to stab Lion-O in the back all the time, which makes him hard to like. Cheetara who was wise and cool, is now kind of skanky Ke$ha, flirting with both Lion-O and Tygra. It's like an icky love triangle. Panthro, well, in my opinion he stayed pretty much the same only he's much more serious now.

Part of the great part about Thundercats, for me as a kid, was that they were all friends who trusted each other, and the episodes were basically getting Lion-O out of trouble. The new ones seem so muddled together, all super pinned up conflicts within the team, not them fighting together for something. Everyone has a motive for something different. Holy crap, I nearly forgot --no cool music to go with their fighting talents vignettes anymore! I really missed those. I knew the cool theme music that was supposed to play under each one and I missed it. Really, a lot. I know the old one is dated -but I was really hoping for updated versions. I guess they think the fast moving action will make up for that, but I don't know. I still wanted it. Music helps make things stick in the mind. Maybe that is why I remember the old one so vividly, can so easily compare in my mind.

Ah, well, they are still worth watching and I hope they catch on. I would love to see some Trick -or-Treaters wearing Thundercat costumes this year. I think that would be super cool.

Advice From Courage Wolf

This is Sir Courage Wolf Esquire, a stately gentleman who has been around the block more than once and come back home with a wealth of knowledge and wisdom. Sir Courage Wolf also likes to share this wisdom with others, to help them better themselves and learn to live a more, shall we say, courageous life. So, with that small, unneeded introduction, allow me to share some things....Courage Wolf-style.

This was what he had to say when I asked him if I was being overconfident about perhaps, my job hunting or my dieting habits. How clever.

This was actually in reference to the same things as above, however, Courage Wolf always knows just what to say and how to say it so that I can personalize his message and really be inspired by it. Yes, I will digest them!

Just so, Old Man, just so....sage comments from a totem. Patience is indeed a virtue.

Okay, so Courage Wolf's dating advice is somewhat wonky. I like this one because it is full of hope and yet strangely comforting when you are kicked in the box by love, which can occasionally happen, even when playing fair and sportsmanlike.

Ha, ha, yeah, see how it goes...okay, some of his advice is just downright for guys...and really I can see the gears turning and certainly I bet it works maybe 1 out of 10 times. The real question becomes, do you really like being slapped in the face? Or perhaps a little disclaimer, don't try this one at work or in public, might make me feel better about it. However, I am aware that for girls grabbing a gentleman's junk does work at least 7 out of 10 times, if done gently and properly with finesse.

And lastly, of course, Courage Wolf is a real proponent of being brave and saying how you feel to your loved ones, Bitches included. Good Show, Old Man, good show.

PS. Have you seen the new Thundercats remake on Cartoon Network? Not bad, really not bad at all. I kind of like it. Watched like four episodes tonight. Yeah, like it alot.

Riding Hobby Horses

Okay, I love this pic. Love it. Not just because it is totally funny, but I love the ne'erdowell sitting there across the table from her. In my mind that is just how a gentleman should dress. Yeah, I'd buy you a drink just for looking like that. No problem.

So, yesterday was busy, but very good. D and K and I went to Walmart, then to Hobby Lobby -as we all have a varied set of crafty hobbies we have all been kind of neglecting for awhile. D has started to make jewelry. K has started to really take an interest in scrapbooking. I do both and some collage making with scrapbooking materials so we had a lot to look at. I found a way to make necklaces for approx. $5, that I think would sell well on Etsy for $10 or $15 --so I may have a new endeavour quite soon, or just a new thing that I will be giving everyone for their b-days. I managed to get myself seven new necklaces for less than $20, unique, one of kind jewelry just for me. Very satisfying. They are super cool. Also, the bestie really loved the collage I made for her b-day. I think it will fit right in with her new bar decor.

Did another chapter in the new story, which is coming along nicely. Really trying to keep this one story length, rather than my normal over 50k words. Need to clean the room and do laundry so that is on the list of things to do either today or tomorrow. Also, really sat down and went over the applications I have been filling out for the state. Found two misspellings. Ah, now that was what killed them. I absolutely understand --there must never be any misspellings on a job app -ever, plain and simple. How embarrassing. Oh, well. Everything is corrected now, submitted three more job applications to the state. I can do it, I just gotta keep trying. I also believe I have eaten enough of the bullseye's humble pie that I can go into an interview and not be an arrogant prick. Which will probably help me in the long run. ha, ha.

Other than that I am squarely sitting in the middle of a happy place. Mind is in a good way, body is in a good way. The only thing not perfect really is that T brought home a buddy from school, so I have been trying to stay up in my room while they do homework together. I have not gotten to bathe, so I am still in my jams with crazy bed hair. Which is not bad...today is my day off so I do what I want, when I want. It is really quite lovely. I am learning to appreciate once again my sweet alone time. I do tend to over focus/ narrow focus when I'm in a relationship, so being out of one lets me widen the focus to the million creative things I could be doing other than working to please one boy (which we do with all intense fervor and excitement whether they like it or not). I never realize I miss it until I'm back here. Aaah, relief filled sigh. Oh, and fantasy football starts like a week and a half from now.

Baby Puppies Vs. Puppies

What is up, y'all? Still making some noise if I'm with it, etc. I am also back to actual writing. I decided to try a stylistic change up and go first person with the next story. I am kind of excited about it, however, it is super difficult for me as I can't tell you what everyone is thinking just the main character. And I have not decided if I like that quite yet, but it is challenging nonetheless. So, I'm sure it will be worth it. Also, closing at the old job getting home at Midnight-thirty then writing for two hours has made me totally exhausted.

With that I would also like to tell you that I had a damn near high-school proportion type situation present itself last night. Ever been picked last to be on a team? Excluded from something because you were different or some other reason? Sure, we all have. Rarely is there a person who won at everything, was included in everything. Last night I found out from a particularly loud-mouthed 18 yr old girl at work that I had been systematically not invited to several get togethers of workers --get this --because I am too old. I was a little furious, but in my normal fashion acted like it was not a big deal. It still hurt my feelings quite a bit. It is true the age of the group is about 18 to 24, but really? I mean, I'm over thirty yeah, but come on, that is old these days? It left me confused and slightly baffled. Wait a minute, I'm cooler than you kids, by like miles. That is like looking at my puppy picture up there and saying "Nah, that puppy is too old. I mean, she's cute and smart and funny, but we only like baby puppies." Fucking Ridiculous.

So, I suppose I should expect my AARP card in the mail any day now. So, I have spent some time today thinking about it. And I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't bother me (not much) --actually it is probably on even par with how much I am concerned about finding 'the one' in this day and age. I have decided to take T's philosophy in regards to Yahtzee full houses, "You just have to relax and let it come to you." It doesn't mean we've stopped looking, we just have other things that are more positive that we can work on right now (weight, work, teeth, etc). Age happens, love happens, shit happens. We work on what we can fix, and accept those things we can't with grace and a good attitude. Oh, and laugh about it. I have been listening to some new Beastie Boys tracks and feeling bad for the kids who don't remember 'You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party'. Much like a Beastie Boy --I still make some noise because I'm with it. Fo' Shizzle, Kiddies. I also don't play no game I can't win....

How Ke$ha Wakes Up....

Yeah, that's bacon and eggs, want some?

Lounge, 50's style - cocktails, dressed up girls, and smoking indoor. Making Don Draper jealous we did it so well.

Getting Devious....

No! Don't throw H in the pool! Save me, table leg, save me!

This round goes to Triple H!

J put a whole quarter up his nose. Impressive.

P advising his wife to give up, because M has her totally pinned.

Sister Fight!

That's right, it was a weekend so great it could only be told through the wonderful art of intoxicated photography. So, enjoy the pictoral. I had a marvelous time. Just really marvelous.

I Guess You're Just What I Needed......

So have you ever had a night so awesome it plays through your mind in strobe flashes? A night that reminds you gently that you are still young and vibrant and desirable. Tonight was that night.

Holy Rave Club, Batman, it was amazing. The bestie picked me up around five and it just blurs in pretty splashing colors from there. Sure, we had a nice sedate dinner at the OC, where the B-day girl got her b-day pizza and I had a burger and Jay had wings. But things simply fly by from there. We hit the Starlight for a Velvet Elvis -and about seven rounds of Madmen style cocktails. Ending in the bottom of a large fruity Hurricane. Everything was delicious. Compliments all around -H you are so thin, H you look so great, H I get a semi hard on when I see you. There was a Mai Tai in there and a Grasshopper someplace, but right now they all seemed to be tastie paint thinner running down the portrait of the night. We stayed there a long time, because our outfits fit the bar, which is important. Laughed and laughed. Your cousin is a smelly pirate hooker. Show me your tits. Woohoo!

Then we got some take home and went back to their hotel. It was a really nice place. If you got in before 11pm the front desk pretty much let you have the pool and hot tub to yourself. We hung out and met a couple from Minneapolis, Melanie and Reggie. They were super nice and very fun to talk to. We finished of our six packs and they had vodka and lemonades. We talked and laughed and had an awesome time. We went out to smoke in the rain in our swimsuits.

Then we drove to the DeLeon's on West O at 2:30 am, got some super fries and a chicken quesidilla, sent some risque pictures to Afghanistan. Wish you were here. Sang to the radio, really loud. Wasted, dropped off at home at 3:10 am -with super fries. Going to sleep. Can not wait to do it all again tomorrow. Holy Shit, just what I needed.

Peace

Today, we made peace with the whole break up thing. I feel better about it, in general. Sometimes people just aren't meant to be together romantically. Sometimes it just doesn't work. That is all there is to it really. I consider this a very positive thing, partially because I am going drinking tonight and really, even if I felt like it earlier in the week --no good comes of binge drinking after a break-up. I actually drank until I blacked out the weekend I broke up with R after eight years. Nothing good at all. So, tonight we hit the bottle moderately, no need to drown our sorrows, there is no sorrow about it any longer. The Ex-BF was/is a good kid, we can hope we have not damaged him irreparably.

So, moving on....I have this great outfit for the going out tonight. The bestie and I are gonna hit the haymarket and we have decided to 'dress up'. So, I am wearing the boots I bought six months ago with a dress I wore to my high school reunion (and it looks super hot now like I wanted it to look a couple years ago). I am very excited about it and it should be a rocking good time. I have missed her immensely. I want to save some space for a post-party post so this one will be short. Yeah, short like my super hot dress, short, People. :)

What?! You Read My Diary?!

"Say it. Forget it. Write it. Regret It." Hmmm. This one seems to be true sometimes. So, writer's are the large emotionally aching wounds of society, perhaps - I think perhaps that would be poets. Not that I'm really a writer. The only thing I have had the tenacity to write is this bloody blog. And the opinions vary about it. Some people like to read it. Some people hate that I do it. I like doing it because I think of it as my secret diary, rather anonymous, so I can say the things I need to say without offending huge amounts of people. It helps me work through things, work them out for me.

However, there has been speculation that the Ex-BF might be reading this (or has been the whole time). And while I am fine with that, it is somewhat unfair, in a sense -that he knows I continue on just fine, while I am left with assumptions and worries that he might not be. (I'm still a good person, breaking up is never easy for either party and we all know this.)

I know you're reading this thinking "What a contradictory person this blogging girl is...perhaps she is desperate to try to get him back or change his mind?" Let me assure you this is not the case. I was a happy single girl and shall be again. I respect him and our relationship, however brief it may have been, enough not to do that to him. I also respect myself enough to not do that. But, really, if we have learned nothing else, it is that we should not let these type of life mishaps turn us into petty, mean creatures consumed with anger and dispair. I will not tell his secrets on the internet. I will not be a huge bitch and say cruel, untrue things about him in my blog. I will write positive life affirmations and things that I need to re-read to get me through the day, to help me work out my feelings as best I can --because that is a good way to deal with something like this and it makes me who I am.

My heart is huge, so big that there is room for everyone inside of it. I turn the other cheek because I can take another punch on the chin and get right back up. It doesn't make me weak, on the contrary, it is what makes me so strong and it is wonderful (and painful and difficult). Still, I won't say it is easy, it's not. I honestly am back to speculating if being in love is worth the time and trouble, especially when reciprocation of this has been...shall we say, rather difficult to achieve. Ha, ha.

Today,  I have scheduled some scrapbooking with my sister and tomorrow the bestie is in town. I tried on a bunch of outfits and everything is too big, which made me smile and smile. I baked strawberry mini cakes and frosted them with strawberry mist frosting, they are totally delicious. I suppose that is one thing that doesn't change --when I am in the throes of heartbreak, I bake and bake and bake. Ridiculous, really.

Phoenix-ing A Few Things.....

Okay, so with the intense introspection of a break-up does come some clarity. A new sense of things old that may have come as kind of relief that I did not have to share or divulge them to another person as I consider them large and glaring flaws. Now, in the world of relationship junkies the flaws I have I consider them to be...well, rather small, however, as they have squarely been brought up again it is important to examine them, and if something can be done about them --then I should fix them now.

Weight --I am down to 150lbs. today. This means a celebration as it has taken nearly a year and a couple of months to get down to this and it is my 'goal' weight. So, we set another goal and try to hit that. It says a lot about my self-control and will power, when I'm willing to use it, and says that an attitude change about food was a good thing for me.

Money --Hmmm. Well we figured out it can't buy happiness. However, I am happiest when I don't have to worry about it. This means I need to have a job. Okay, we're fine with that, now we just have to find a job that we like, that pays okay, and start paying off some of that debt that makes me not the greatest dating prospect. I can do that. I have also decided that I need to be more comfortable when a guy wants to pay for things for me on dates. Need to get the Honda a tune-up.

Looks --I'm not the greatest looking girl (I have kind of a funny nose, and my teeth could use some looking after). I don't feel this is a depressing thing. I have some great, great attributes (phenomenal eyes and great hair). But, to be realistic, yeah, we need to get to the dentist and get that fixed --rhynoplasty is simply too expensive, so the nose stays. I do believe that after 30-ish years we finally have Seamus calmed down to looking like a ready and willing gentleman rather than the crazy Irishman he once was.

Personality --I've been doing a lot of thinking about this one and have decided that I like me the way I am on this one. I may be slightly brash, but I'm honest and funny and compassionate --and all of that I like. I have decided this year to be more resilient, to recover a little faster after being punched in the face by life. I have also decided that it might serve me better to play shy when meeting people and warm up later, if I want to. And in reference to boys, I'm just gonna act like I don't care. Oh, you're late all the time --sorry, I'm out. You're not really pleasing me --yep, I have better things to do than work on it with you. Oh, you have huge issues --nope, not interested in hearing about it anymore. Oh, and we don't say 'I Love You' before the six month mark anymore, even if we do. Tired of being hurt, gonna start protecting myself. You want my heart you're gonna have to kickbox me for it.

Miracle Worker

Great Song....could used that Miracle Worker any time now....

Being Awesome

I promised something more positive than introspective self-loathing bullshit and today you shall have it. For all the miserable bitching I do about my low level job, it's like I said the people at the place keep you there not the work, and the people at my job are excellent people. I think it probably helps that we are all working that really thankless retail work and most of them have come from real life struggles to get even to where they are now (which is amazing and admirable). Everyone has been super supportive and nice in regard to my recent life failure.

Other Heather, stopped me twice last night and very sincerely asked if I was still doing okay. Like she really cared. She even gave me a little rub on the back, not a weird thing, but like a quick comforting female gesture like your mom would do. I don't normally let people touch me --it's a personal thing and most of the time weirds me out a bunch, but I didn't realize I really needed it until it happened and it made me feel totally better. Plus, the boys all seem to be wonderful sensitive creatures, full of jokes and compliments, and they made me feel a heck of a lot like it definitely was not my attractiveness that had been wanting in my last relationship. How sweet and good they were. Jim was great about talking to me and said it was for the best. David got real close to me and said I smelled really great and sang me a silly song. Tony was just super nice and said if there was anything I needed like an extra break I should take it, that he would cover for me. It was....well, it was simply very surprising to me.

I was in hardlines for the third time ever and it was Back to School weekend so the store was a bloody madhouse --which meant a lot of stress, especially since I had no idea where most things were so it was kind of difficult for me (a lot of anxiety). Penny told me at lunch that if I wanted to move back over to softlines all I had to do was tell her, she also seemed very genuine about making sure I was doing alright, she asked a couple of times during the night. It was just really refreshing to see, even if it might have been superficial (I couldn't tell the difference anyway right now), it was still just what I needed to remind me that I am still pretty great.

An update on that -- I hit 151lbs today. Probably because I have not really felt like eating this weekend and work had me running like a criminal from the cops for two days. Plus, I have a great weekend to look forward to with my bestie, who I can't wait to see. And, I got the new schedule for the Lincoln Symphony and they have their first performance like the weekend of the Ex-BF's birthday, so now I don't have to try to convince him to go --I'll just go myself. That's right, back to being an awesome single girl who does as she pleases.

Hope

Yeah, Pandora, we opened that stupid ass box and let out all the miseries upon the world and ourself. So, now we suffer and suffer, but in the bottom there (and sometimes it is a misery, too) there was Hope staring back at us. Whispering horrible 'Well, maybe this or that' at us. Some of the things it suggests are impossibilities, so of them would take some work. Hope is a lot like the seed of doubt, really. But, sometimes it is kind of all you have.

I still have much to be thankful for, even if it doesn't not really feel like much in the face of blaring painful heartache. And I can certainly keep telling myself it was for the best until that becomes true, but I gotta say, much like a muscle ache is worse the second day, today has been rather difficult. I keep thinking about all the things I was dreaming about with that guy. He may have said that he couldn't see himself being with me --but, I truly could. That's the thing, I had great plans, had spectacular visions of happiness and family, vacations and everyday surprises. It's the pain of those bubbles bursting that makes my chest ache and eyes well. So, we move through the stages -denial, anger, hopelessness. Recovery is slow and arduous. Blogs are sappy and depressing (sorry about that one guys, I promise more positive stuff tomorrow).

But, the world doesn't care, which is both comforting and unsettling at the same time. People don't know you are in pain if you show no outward signs of pain. And I'm an actress deep down, so we act fine and be nice, that's all everyone really wants anyway. Always remember that they have no desire to hear about it or see you are unhappy --and if they do, then it is because they do not like you and you being unhappy makes them happy.

Still, there is hope...I didn't do anything wrong. I am still the 'me' I was when I found love and lost it. I was not the one with issues, so....okay, we get back on the horse and start looking again. Someone will love me because I am so very worth loving. I will say this, do you remember when I said the BF did 50% of the things that article said, that were supposed to indicate he was 'just not that into you'? Yeah, I should have cut and run at that point. I have the slightest tendency to see things that just aren't there in guys, like wafting romantic mirages. I will keep that in mind for next time. At least, we learned somethings.

No Regrets

Yeah, so he broke my heart...so what. I didn't sleep very well, last night --like four or five hours tops. It was the full moon I think, but it did give me some time to think and think hard. Also, got an e-mail from the best friend. She said, "One of the things I love about you is that once you decide that you like/love someone, you do it with all of your heart. It's a really great quality to have and he took advantage of that." And when she is right, she is right. I don't believe in half-assing, you give it all you've got and nothing less. I don't regret it, but yeah, it hurts pretty badly right now. But, we know, from the last time, that time heals that kind of thing. I genuinely feel bad for the Ex-BF, because he has no idea that we could have been something great, and I think later on he might realize what got away on this one (and I am not being bitter or hateful about it, I did break up with him really, kind of, I mean we could have just kept coasting his way had I not brought it up). At least, now, he has his first Evil Ex, ha, ha (he hates that movie). Dropping off his stuff at 1pm today and that's it.

OMG and the funniest thing ever, the roommates finally decided to go camping tonight....so, if we were still going out I was going to invite the BF (now Ex-BF) to come over for the weekend while we would have had the house all to ourselves. Life is a fucking riot some days. Ha.

He Broke My Heart....

So, nevermind all the wonderful things I said in my last blog. The boyfriend broke up with me tonight. He made me cry and made no attempts to comfort me. He did communicate very effectively when he said, "I like seeing you, but I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with you." I could act like it didn't hurt, like it doesn't feel a lot like I'm dying right now, but really, what is the point --he's probably still reading this blog in secret anyway, so I should let him know he achieved his goal and really scarred another human being. I want to say terrible nasty things about him, but I am a lady and maybe he didn't know that. Real ladies recover gracefully from things like intense pain, we get back up and pretend nothing was wrong in the first place. My love is strong, resilient, and wonderful even though you didn't want it.

How We Sleep Together

As a strict Dating Scientist, I, of course, went back and reviewed all my research, things I have learned, mysteries unraveled. I also take into consideration that really --about the time I had start looking again for someone to be with, I had simply accepted that fact that I would be alone. I would have to get nice and comfortable doing everything myself and liking it (or pretending to like it when people could see me). Eventually, I would get a farm and fill it with dachshunds of all shape and size, running along the crested hills in a great snaking wave of silly German dog-ness as the sunsets behind them. Hmmm, it still seems like a nice plan really. But, I got to thinking that perhaps I was a bit harsh on the boyfriend. When I had my first boyfriend my mother HATED him, so I asked her why and she told me, "Well, I'm your mother, I only hear the bad stuff because you only call to cry about the bad stuff." Ahhh, an epiphany!

So, I thought, well, at this point my readership may think my BF is some kind of evil maniacal genius out to destroy me with his weapon of choice, poor communication. Let me assure you this is simply not the case, although he could open his mouth more with the compliments and saying how he feels about certain things. In fact, he is a wonderful conversationalist and I find him infinitely interesting on many, many levels. He is sweet and shy. I like his silly smile. I enjoy his nice long fingered hands and when he stops being shy momentarily, I like the little ways he touches on me. I like the way he smells like laundry detergent and the way he feels solid when I put my face on his t-shirt. I like his ridiculous jokes, every once in a while he has the best comic timing and it is impossible not to laugh. The very first time he lured me into making out it was with some really awful elephant jokes. I like how he never goes in any place with me first --he always waits to hold the door, every damn time. His manners are very nearly impeccable, which I find terribly attractive. I love his varied tastes in music. I love his magnificent, soft, ready-for-fingers hair. I wouldn't be so wound up with doing things right with him if he weren't incredibly special and worth doing that for.

I would like to start dressing him like a paper doll. It stems from my need to be fashionable. Nothing invasive, but you know put a nice fitted t-shirt on him with one of those fitted cardigans --like most boys he has some clothing items I simply loathe and sometimes looks like every item on him is at least one size to big. However, no biggie. I like him best with his clothes off anyway. I also like the way he tries to fall asleep in the 'honeymooners hug' with me, even though this position is nearly impossible to fall asleep in. See picture below.

How cute and sweet? I keep thinking that if I tell him how awesome I think he is that, eventually, he will catch the queue that I need this reciprocated. I know he may be thinking it, but I am not a mind-reader by any means. So, there it is. Yeah, he's great and at some point he will start telling me how great I am (even though I am pretty much aware of this one already, it is still nice to hear). We have a super cute date tonight so...well, a girl can hope, right? Sometimes, I love'em so much it makes me crazy, which makes it hard to remain an objective Dating Scientist. Still, it's a lot more fun than I remember and everybody knows I love to experiment. :P

Gender Communications

Alright tonight's topic of one-sided blog discussion is gender communications. I always thought this was kind of myth as most of the boys I knew did seem to communicate using the same language and syntax as myself. However, I had a bit of a communications issue earlier this week. Now, this will be boiled down and over simplified for the purposes of this blog, but it was huge for me, as I realized this may be the way he expected me to communicate with him. I speak Girl, start learning it or I will have to try to speak in broken Boy to you and that could get ugly.

We have thus far, the BF and I, had a large communications mishap with him hurting my feelings (it was an e-mail thing and easily forgotten) however, I basically had to lay out quite clearly in writing that he had hurt my feelings and that when he hurt my feelings and I told him this, I would need him to simply apologize and we would move on. I think this is a very forthright and fair way to handle miscommunications. Now, the BF's modus operandi is to explain to me why my feelings should not be hurt in the first place or why he has not done said thing I told him he did, which really does nothing more than lead to a full on argument as what I want is an apology (so I know he did not hurt my feelings on purpose and respects my feelings enough to say he cares that I felt badly). I.e. He stated that he has not been late to two dates and I am always ten minutes early anyway.

Really?

I'm early because I hate being late --for anything. Which should, number one, let him know that I am not so hot about him being late for things. I detest tardiness. It shows a general disrespect for the other person's time and importance, in any situation. And when people do it to someone who cares about them, it makes those people feel unimportant, insignificant, and disrespected. Number two, he acknowledged that he knows I am always early and still arrives late, what exactly does that say? That he is not interested in me and has better things to do (coincidentally that is the message it sent). And third, he may need to decide right now if being 'right' is more important than simply acknowledging how I felt about his actions and trying to make me feel better. Countering with a defensive comment about my timeliness is unnecessary and uncalled for, I'm not attacking him. As a 'reasonable' person, I can admit when I am wrong very easily, but that was not what was being discussed. The issue was that his actions made me feel unimportant and unappreciated, when I have been doing nothing but trying to be important to him. So, just tell me I'm important. To the female brain this seems so very simple. I mean, why wouldn't he want to express that? Damn it, I am way too hot to be waiting around for something like that to be said.

I have read several articles stating that men will attempt to reason when talking to women about feelings. If my early arrivals had made him feel badly, he would say something, and I would apologize and sincerely attempt to make him feel better. Not tell him that he is wrong about these unfounded feelings of his and the facts of the related incidents. Really, when all is considered it is true --I talk emotions and he talks literals. So, I have decided to try to learn to speak Boy a bit more fluently. I think it will be worthwhile. --And while this blog seems a little over analytical tonight, we saw Cowboys & Aliens and had a fabulous date which I enjoyed very much. Anything worthwhile is worth doing correctly. I will really get the hang of this someday, I swear. Dating Scientist is out of the office.

Fantasizing A More Impressive Day

Hey. So, not much to blog about really. Did some scrapbooking yesterday and it looks really great, put a lot of effort into my creative decisions and the design of it. Did a bit of reading. Had a nice time with D at Walmart. Watched 'The Losers' again. I really love that movie. Oh, K and T got into a car accident yesterday -everyone is fine, some kid backed his truck into their car while they were stopped, but the red car took kind of beating in the front so K is home today trying to get all the insurance stuff all squared away.

I have to work this evening (picked it up as an extra shift). I am feeling general malaise about the working thing. I always give 100% when I'm there, but it is not exactly what I imagined I would be doing. Also trying to hunt up one more girl for the all female fantasy football league, in the process of trying to convince my sister K to do it. Have a date on Wednesday, going to see Transformers so I can talk to sister A about it. Talked to my grandma for a while, she is doing really well. Wrapped somebody's b-day presents. Hmmm....trying to think of what else I have done. Had coffee and a donut for breakfast today. Wow, I am severely boring sometimes, that really seems like nothing at all. Let's see if we can juice it up a bit.........

After a sweaty hot night sleeping on the jungle floor, I woke up with leaves and ants sticking to my face. I brushed them off angrily, cracked open a coconut and drank the milk, as I knew I would need my strength for the day's long journey into the dark heart of this stinking swampy deathtrap, even though I hate coconut. The soggy snapping branches under my feet have caused the blisters inside my hiking boots to pop and ooze. Nothing here is steady, even, all of it seems to be a slippery slope or a jagged rock. The smell of this place makes me nauseous. The ever present stench of a thousand compost heaps laying before me, begging me to step down solidly to release more wafting desiccated air up like bursting a ketchup packet under my heel. My clothing soaks up the water from the air like a sponge, mingling with the sweat, layering the smell all over me too. Time to get the hell out of this place.

Coffee Talk...

Boy, this last weekend was a long one. I worked Saturday and Sunday and did, for the most part, a lot of thinking. I did some feeling sorry for myself as I did not get those jobs I wanted, which is for the most part over by now. I did some deep thinking about my relationship at this point. I did some wistful thinking about my best friend and wished that she had been here to talk to in person about all my stupid thinking. The folks only popped in briefly on their way through as school starts today for mom.

I'm not really even sure I made any good conclusions about anything I thought deeply about. Maybe the conclusion was to keep thinking about it. Still feeling pensive...picked up an extra shift on Tuesday. But also managed to get the 20th off so I can attend that b-day party. I suppose if I keep up with the straight out physical labor maybe I will eventually come up with the answers I want to some of the questions I've been pondering.

The Trail Ends...

At A Happy Place.

Cryptic Facebook Posts...

And strange subliminal messages....

Not Saved By The Bell...

Rejection

re·jec·tion (r-jkshn) n.

1. The act of rejecting or the state of being rejected.

2. Something rejected.

3. Medicine The failure of a recipient's body to accept a transplanted tissue or organ as the result of immunological incompatability; immunological resistance to foreign tissue.

Yep, rejection although 'not fatal' as said in the picture (unless we are talking medical really), does hurt quite a bit. And I feel awful. Really terrible. And if you can believe this one --it was an e-mail that I did NOT get the phone position. So, I had to e-mail back and ask if that meant I was still being considered for the processing position or if that e-mail had been to let me know they were both closed. I love things like that --really could we peel the band-aid off just alittle slower as I am simply not in enough pain. I would also love to say that this totally has not affected me one bit, but really it has. Talk about total mood killer. I feel like I want to throw up.

There is an ever so slight chance --we'll say 1% chance -that perhaps, maybe, I got the other position so I had to get a rejection e-mail for one, but clinging to a non-realistic boat on the river de-nile, really does no one any good at all. So, now I go back over the interviews in my head and reanalyze every move I made, comment I made, facial expression, body posture.....hmmmm. You know the crazy thing is that I interviewed with this company like ten years ago with the same results, prior to having any insurance experience at all. Strange, really very odd. Still, so very disheartening -I really, really did want to work for this company. I sincerely wish they did not see me as foreign tissue.

And a couple hours later...You know I read in an etiquette book once that, 'Every time one feels bad about one's self, one should compliment someone else.' So, considering how I have felt --I went crazy and started making presents for just about everyone I know. I finished someone's b-day present. I made a ton more art for my BF (which I have started putting into a large sack filled with things I have made/brought for him over the last couple of months). I am now starting on a present that my sister and I are giving to our mother for Christmas. Oh, and I read several articles about making simple thoughtful crafty things for b-day parties, which I will be making later on. About an ounce more self-loathing and I would have to invite everyone over for a dinner party complete with napkin rings I made myself and about eight baked items.

In pure HR style, they waited until 5pm to send that response that 'yes, it was indeed for both of them'. Thanks, Guys. Feel like drinking, Anyone?

Outfit Perfect

Okay, so as I am constantly inspired by my bestie's blog --I gotta tell ya, today it was all about preparations for fantasy football. And I am so damn excited I could just wet my pants. This will be my first year playing and I can not wait. So, as with all things that greatly excite me I went looking for the perfect fantasy football outfit. I think this one above will totally do the trick --it is very fantasy and very football. Well, either this one or some sweatpants and a sports bra --I'm not totally sold on the shoes in the picture. However, ten is my lucky number, so that is a big selling point -everybody needs to be alittle lucky, right? Or to get alittle lucky. Hee, hee.

I've been boning up on my Sportscenter and reading some articles about who would be good draft picks (although the bestie said we would auto draft and I have no idea what that means). I am well aware the all female league will probably be kind of secondary as she is already in a pretty mean, established coed league, as well, but I don't care. I'm gonna work really hard on this and get good at it. It's a skill I want to have.

I picked up a shift on Saturday night. I'm not sure why exactly -maybe I felt bad for the store manager who was asking (or begging) rather. Who are we kidding? I could use the money and I had it open so why not. This week it is okay, and builds me some good karma as I am going to want the 20th off. So, some political nicety on my part. I'm seeing a movie tomorrow. Didn't get to go to the movies tonight, but then again the roommates decided to stay home and order pizza --mushrooms and breakfast bacon pizza. OMG it was so-o-o-o good, and cheese bread. Delicious. I'm also thinking about opening up that bottle of wine I have in the fridge and just unwinding tonight. Maybe even watch some TV. I've been wound up kind of tight lately, for a reason I can't really pinpoint, and it is causing me to schedule a relaxing evening/day --as I feel like I might need it. Maybe a nice hot bubble bath, some pampering. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Girls watch too....

Okay, this one clearly warrants the content warning, so be warned, but it is pretty dang funny and pretty dang true (except for the freaky fanatic weird girl who is also true, but definitely not me or anyone I know, gross). Alittle on the raw side, but totally worth the laugh. :)

So, back to work tonight. Not terribly excited about it, but hey, it's money. The BF invited me to go see a movie on Thursday night (13 Assassins) and I am really looking forward to that one. I also got an invitation last night to a rather special b-day event on the 20th --for which I am looking for an awesome outfit and really can not wait to go to. Holla, someone's turning 60! Woohoo! I'm bringing the cake --cake vodka.

Really, there are a lot of positive things going on. I am starting to hit that mood up-turn again after the last hormone related blah week down turn. Gonna start making things happen and get some stuff done. The workout today was bad as I tried to switch up my muscle groups and hit the treadmill for a little longer--dang, I'm hurtin'. Oh, well, it will be worth it when I get those abs I want. It really will. Or at least I keep telling myself that. So, that's all for now.

What, this is a TEST?!

Okay, so, the interview. I really, really do think the in-person, face to face interviews I had with like three people did go really well. However, unbeknownst to me, they had about four test set up for me to take when I got there --a 10 key test, a typing test, and a cognitive sort of filing test. Now, aside from the fact that you are incredibly nervous when you get to an interview, this about made me throw up in my handbag. I hate typing tests and I am at least 75% sure that I proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can not type, 10-key, or cognate anything at all. I didn't even see what I got (scored) --and I don't want to bloody know. Wow, yeah, it was horrific.

So, whatever. I had good interviews -the system they are using is super simple and I could do either job really easily with about a week of training (max), that is of course if they are willing to overlook the testing fails I perpetrated. Having said this --I believe the one I will be offered will be the one on the phones as that is the one that is going to be difficult to hire for in the first place (however, I believe this one would be the one that would also pay a little bit better anyway) and technically would require less typing than the processing position. I am trying not to be broken hearted about it, but we shall see anyway. One should not count those eggs before they hatch, right?

But, this raises once again that important question. How do weird anomalies such as myself still exist? Someone who squarely considers themselves a writer, but sucks at typing. Yep. Or someone who considers themselves an 'administrative worker', who has no 10-key skills. Yep. That's me. And what is worse is how this person stands up against all the 10 pound, blonde secretary types who can type their little hearts out at 85 wpm while executing a perfect hair toss. Hmmm. Well, what I am hoping, or more relying upon in this particular case, is that I am a big confident b*tch with nearly 10 years of experience and a fresh from retail, ready to do just about anything for this job, attitude.

I was one of the first interviews this week, so HR said they would let me know early next week. Either that or she saw my typing test results and they will be politely calling to say I should be practicing more and call them in a few years. I don't even know. I wish I felt better about it -but then again it always seems like the ones I think went well that never call, so perhaps the 'fail' label on this one will get me a callback. I am honestly not sure at all. I am hoping that all the luck my friends, boyfriend, and  family wished me worked and I will simply turn out to be lucky on this one. :)