Day At The Museum...

Went to the Joslyn Art Museum today. We went to see the Egyptian exhibit on loan from the Brooklyn Museum. It as really cool, but there was no photography allowed, so we took some pics around other places in the museum. It as all very cool. I love the art museum. I love any museums really. Much fun was had by all.

Sister was one of the driving forces behind the trip to the museum as she really, really wanted to see the Egypt stuff. However, she also appreciates Renaissance art like the painting of St. Michael there which is also very cool. We got postcards of our favorite paintings this time and I got a little Bastet figurine to protect me, as Bast was the goddess of joy and protector of women. She is also thought to be the eye of the moon according to the tag on my little cat statue. I have put her right behind the laptop so she can watch over my dating escapades as I could use the help...and a little bit of joy in that area, if she has the time.

Ah, speak of the devil Bast is supposed to be keeping an eye on, as well, K had a lovely time perusing the art with great prejudice as you can see in the photo. Right now, he is thinking about how grateful he is that breasts never go out of style and I am thinking more men should take girls to the Art museum because that is a perfect way to get laid. Then we look at each other and pretend we are just 'friends'. Super.

Ha, I am joking. He got back on the dating website this week too, so the real news ticker on that one is that we really ARE just friends. That was what made me so mad/sad and prompted my pity party blog earlier this week, in case people were wondering about that one. Sometimes losing things in reality prompts big changes in my world of fantasy --it was a wake-up call I knew was coming, but didn't want. Such is life.

I threw a quarter in there. I'll give you one guess what I wished for. Should be pretty plain by now. I've also got an old cat goddess working on it for me now too, so we shall see.

I'm joining a yoga class on Monday. Not that the figure looks bad in this pic, but it could look better, tighten up those abs and lose the extra arm weight and I'd be pretty close to my perfect. The rest of it is muscle plain and simple and I will need that if I'm gonna break off a piece. Also, kind of funny and cute. Got a rather quick e-mail from S, which was nice and typically trite, but the fun part is that when it gets warmer he has offered to teach me to play racquetball. I think he finally punished all the old guys at his club so much they won't play with him anymore. Plus, with his tennis elbow maybe he needs an easier opponent, like this girl. I am one huge sports blooper reel waiting to happen, but I'm excited about it anyway. Work and other stuff is coming along well. I wanted to see K again this weekend, but he is going out with the guys tonight and tomorrow he is working for a friend, so it looks like I've been pushed to Monday night. Attitude is back on the way up, which is nice, so this week should be really positive.

Turn Out The Lights

Last night boys and girls we discussed how my life is sometimes a great show that I put on, with some nagging true behind it. Tonight, I'm running on stage and sending everyone home. Piss off, no show tonight. I gonna sit in the middle of the stage, drink, cry, howl and smoke, on the black painted flatness of the desolate stage. I'd been doing so well, too. I mean you could see the little cracks under the pancake make-up if you got close enough, not that I let too many people get that close, but they were there. No one saw them because I was smiling all the time, my mask, like my fake glasses to hide my unpretty nose.

So, what sent me spiraling in to the swinging door of depressions raving pity party today? I could so easily play the victim. Honestly, I want to, it would be easy. For the regular readership, it's pretty plain already that I live in these idealized dream worlds of fairness and romance that DON'T EXIST. There is no such place, no such time, it doesn't happen. People don't fall in love with you just because you try harder, are tenacious, persistent, and steadfast. They see it as annoying or comforting in the fact that you are on their hook because they get something they need from you.

They don't love me, but I felt content to give, to be there wrapped in a blanket of denial and fantasy about it. I get it. In rare moments of clarity I feel the pain of this thing I have created. But, Wonderland is full of bad things that I think are pretty. Stinging flowers, poisoned chocolates, green grass made of stick pins. I put my hands over my eyes and pretend. I hide at windows, watching things unfold that hurt me and prepare how I should look and turn away pretty so that no one knows I die in pieces, turning off those quadrants of my brain in order to not feel it at all. Learn to cry quietly and to tell people that I don't do it at all.

My chest just aches. People say heartache is metaphor, but I've managed to manifest it somehow...heavy and aching, burning the back of my throat and knotting my neck up. I shouldn't take it so hard when I knew it was coming. That's the lesson on this one. Stop telling people you love them until they say it first --then you know you're safe. Stop caring and simply function. Putting ones heart out is ridiculous, especially when mine is so broken and beat-up. Who would want that old piece of crap anyway, it can't even keep a beat. The new show will be "Pretend We Don't Care: The Saga of Superwoman or Sadly Alone Girl". It's gonna be good, I've been rehearsing.

So, tonight I am claiming the word 'defective', it's an unhealthy four characteristic, but I don't give a shit. I have been working tirelessly to try and 'fix' me for so damn long. Tonight, I don't care about getting back up, fighting harder, I'm just gonna lay down here on the flat black, come up with a plan and play opossum. I was fine before, without either of them....I'll be fine. Time marches on so maybe I just sit here and watch the parade for a while, smoking my 50th cigarette and cataloguing all the things I regret, but say I don't regret. I'll tell you a little secret, the list is lengthy, but it seems like I have the time.

Out Of Principle

Hey, So, sometimes it's important to admit that you may be blowing smoke. I do it sometimes, it's a character flaw. I want to be important so I make myself seem important. I want to be loved so I make is seem like I am a person worth loving. I want to be powerful, so really I just have fantasies about being powerful in my mind as I have no idea how to come off as powerful. Some days I am very aware I am doing it, others I realize afterwards that I was doing it, and on the odd occasion I do it without even knowing. I believe it's that part of me that is an actress --but really it's probably the part of me that feels ever inadequate like a gollum sort of creature that makes me do crazy shit. Still I am human and that makes me many things anyway.

But, this is not about all those things, it's about one thing in particular. I have never lied about all the goings on in my dating life. I have laid them out and examined them here, in print, for me to better understand them. I read every stupid dating article Yahoo puts on there and personalize it to me. So, here are some things from today that were revelations, but are probably true shit I just don't want to hear:

• 1). Although I am a well balanced human being, Mr. Poet And He Knows It may have been right about the fact that I am, on occasion, a very lonely individual. There is a component of me that longs to still be on that long terminal relationship suffering under the rule of my Ex --but still with him to be with someone. I miss the comfort of someone who knows me well and wakes up with me every morning. Constant new dates means constant new anxiety for me.

• 2). When things on the dating websites is not going as I would like, that is like shooting a hole in my whole day. Some days I could not care less about it, honestly. Then some days, like today, I take the rejections and lack of e-mails as a direct reflection of my self worth. Which is ridiculous, I know, but it does not stop it from happening. As much as I like to say, "Fuck, those drooling Snog-Bunnies Boys. I don't need them." Really, literally that is what I want and it is not happening, so I reject it out of principle because I CAN'T have them.

• 3). No one loves a fat girl, unless you are Adele. I don't give a shit if I've started to build muscle or what the fuck is going on. I wanna be thin. A thin skinny hungry bitch. So, this may take a little more work than I had originally figured. However, if I want it so badly I can taste it, I had better learn to sate my hunger on the taste of victory and concepts intangible. There is a girl at work who has invited me to join her $3 a session yoga class over my lunches on Mon-Wed-Fri like five different times, maybe instead of pussing out I should just damn well do it.

• 4). Friends and family still love a fat girl, even if you're not Adele. In the midst of my pity party for myself today (as I have put back on ten hard won pounds in three days) a bestie had good advice on staying positive and what might be the cause of the mystery weight gain and a Prince reminded me that he thinks I am gorgeous which made me so grateful that expressing it would be impossible (I very nearly offered him a BJ over my work e-mail, that's how grateful, and he would have deserved every second of it).

So, there it is laid out. It was not a good day, but tomorrow will be. Happiness takes work. Today I just didn't work hard enough. Tomorrow I will. Simple.

Dates, Frozen Yogurt, and Paying For It

Okay, so this another catch up blog...because laziness really only leads to more work when you get to it finally. So, Thursday night was a date with S and Friday night was a date with K. Both went really well in my opinion. They are both splendid men in each of their own unique ways. However, neither of them fell in love with me on said dates. S even mentioned that he had a date with a new girl on Friday, which has kind of bothered me ever since, but I'm trying not to be weird about it. He hasn't even e-mailed or texted, so as much as he was a lost cause before, I feel doubly so about it now which makes me sad. He was just starting not to be an a$$hole to me all the time too. Dang it.

On Saturday night I got a strange craving for berry flavored frozen yogurt. So, I called my go-to-guy K and begged him to take me for yogurt. And amazingly, he just came and picked me right up and took me. That guy is fantastic. Just want I wanted, right then. It is then no wonder at all, that I must remind myself once more that he is not my boyfriend and calling him like he is is rude and bad. I must not do that again. Sigh.

Also been chatting with a dude on the dating website, however, he is overly pretentious and even admits he is somewhat arrogant (which he is in spades). Mr. Poet And He Knows It, would be his title as he is a published poet and performer. Although the conversations have been interesting, they leave a bad taste in my mouth. He even had the audacity to say that my conversations and dating profile came off as 'very lonely. Which must be difficult'. So, I explained how I am not overly desperate or lonely and am a well balanced human being who did not need to be told that. What an a$$. So, I will probably not e-mail him back.

This series of conversations prompted me to....pay for it. Yep. I got on one of the paid to see profiles dating websites. I bought a three month subscription. I am not incredibly excited about that, but from my milling around and creating a profile, this seems to be where all the 30-45 yr old males seem to be for the purposes of dating. No wonder I was getting copious amounts of e-mails from kids. So, we see where this leads us. I am trying to be more positive about it. But, I hate the fact that I had to give in to paying for it. And the number of people that are on the pay site and on the free site is stunning, like everyone has a dual dating profile with the same pictures, etc. It makes me feel shallow -and desperate and lonely.

I'm just in a weird place mentally today, I suppose. Today's playlist, in order to up the positive a bit:

Tonight is the Night -Outasight
When The Lights Go Down -Grace V
Princess of China -Coldplay ft Rhianna
Keep Your Head Up -Andy Grammar

New Trax Night...

Totally fun song!

Turn Up the Music --God, I wish this wasn't by Chris Brown...

Awwh, totally cute track.

All for tonight. I needed kind of a rest...my brain's on overload from a bunch of stuff...particularly a scary picture the bestie sent to me....disturbing. Painted my nails and they look hella cool. Tomorrow it's a meeting at work and a date after work. Hoping both go well. It would be nice, but hey, either way I will survive it. Wish I was feeling a little more confident about how I looked, but today seems to be a day when I can see every single line, wrinkle, jiggle, flaw and issue my whole body has. Sigh. Once more going to bed early to try to get those dark circles to go away. Couldn't seem to do anything with my hair today either and that didn't really help all the self-image issues I'm having. I have my fingers crossed that tomorrow will be better. Please, baby Jesus, Jewish God, and Tom Cruise let me be pretty tomorrow, and maybe the next day, and the day after that....well, you know what I mean.

Don't Over Think It.

I'm not over thinking anything tonight. I decided upon that one when I got out of bed this morning. My V-day was really very good. Honestly. I got a box of candy from a co-worker, had two cupcakes from different people, really got great gifts for a couple people, and had a lovely dinner with K and a couple of my sisters and my brother-in-law. Things went well. No complaints at all.

I am making a great effort not to over analyze things if I can help it. And I can help it. It can be done if I simply stay very busy. I did tell K that I loved him again. In an e-mail. I did it because he makes me happy and not telling him is what seems so unjustifiably weird sometimes. It's not meant to be awkward, I suppose probably because I don't expect him to say it back. It's just a statement of fact, "I feel a great deep sense of affection for you in a way that should only be expressed in the simplest of terms meaning 'love'." I say I love my friends and family, I see no good reason not to tell him when he is so wonderful to me all the time. It does not, or should not, in my mind, obligate him to anything at all.

However, after sending it, I did then feel like he might freak out --I'm an Ex after all and I know some boys would freak out --but, I hope he sees it for the gentle, good thing that it is and is cool about it. Who knows? I am rather tired of trying to anticipate everyone's reactions to everything I say and do. I mean there is general courtesy and such to be observed, but really I can't please everyone all the time so today I pleased me. I tell good people that they mean something to me and that is what matters. If I were to lay down tonight and not wake up...I would be satisfied that I told him once more that he makes me happy and that there is always a safe place in me for him. He is a good man and deserves to know that, even if it may be tough or awkward to hear. My heart's in the right place --still inside my chest doing it's job. I'm not over thinking it. Staying honest can be rough, especially in the crater filled hills and valleys of personal relationships and communications.

My love is a good thing. It's wonderful to have and even more fun to give away to people. I've really got so much of it that I don't mind giving it all away, just as long as I have a little for myself, and that's the way it should be. So, pat on the back, I had fun today, did well at being me. Now I'm going to bed...maybe tomorrow I'll do it again.

Squishy Love

I am attempting to elevate my mood with a good infusion of quick dance trax. This one is fun and catchy...nothing really special, but if you need a nice slam of dance music, well, here it is.

Today, was good. I was supposed to have coffee with K, but ended up calling him early in the day and we had a really fun lunch at VI. I love hanging out with him. We went to a couple of stores and did some light shopping. He needs a new phone so we phone shopped too. I also broke down and gave him his watch early because on V-day he is having dinner on kind of a double date/not a date because we are friends thing with me and the roomies. He really loved it. I really loved that he really loved it. I honestly, didn't know how it would go over, but the watch like him is sophisticated and pretty darn sweet --he really seemed like he liked it to me. I was intensely proud of getting him a good gift that surprised him. Piece by piece I am infusing his wardrobe and making him into the hottest IT professional in the city. He is good looking, he just needs that little extra push of help that a stylish girl can give him. That's what friends (who are secretly in love with you because they are slightly insane hopeless romantics) are for, right? --Insert crooked harmless looking smile here.--

On that note, I did a bit more researching into my Enneagram nature of being a Four. I like self-evaluation, in my mind, it helps me be a better person. But, I read all this stuff about me and how I react in a relationship, all of it hit kind of a nerve with me. It was all true, but horribly terribly true. And other than putting it in my face, did me no good as it did not say how NOT to be like that. It also said I have a propensity to cling to a feeling that I am 'defective'. I'm not 'defective'. I'm effective and efficient. I don't know. I find myself rationalizing behaviors and looking at past experiences for some kind of future wisdom, but it seems to elude me. I have a date on Thursday, that I am really very excited about as it took some major wrangling to get this boy's attention and time, but now I feel like I should text him not to even show up. I will f*ck it up. No matter what I do, it will be me who lights it on fire and then throws myself on top of the pyre. I try too hard. I always try too damn hard and smother the little guy in my hands. "I just love you so much....{Squish}. Oh, Damn it, it happened again." Frustrating.

I think that may be why I just function better if I'm not in love. Because I imagine better than it ever is. I probably always will. Perhaps, and this is not a terribly bad thing, I am designed to be alone. Better at being a person by myself, doing my own things, rather than attempting to make something work that may never, in fact, work for me. Maybe, I have nothing better to obsess about right now and should really be going to bed and not worrying about it. Hmmmm. Yep. Going to bed.

I'm So Evil Sometimes...

Okay, so ya know how some days I am really good and sweet and nice. Well, some days I am just awful and evil. See this photo? Nice, yeah, she's pretty. See how it's saturated red? Well, there's a reason for that. As a Dating Scientist, sometimes I experiment, particularly on my dating website. I know you're saying, "If she's really serious about finding love she wouldn't piss off fate constantly by experimenting on the site." Yes, I'm aware. However, the site has really been interesting this close to Valentine's Day --there has been an incredible pick up in the e-mailing as I mentioned before, however there has not been an incredible pick up in the quality of these gentleman desperate to find something, just anything that will date them.

Now, in nature, it is often the brightly colored plumage of the male that is used to attract the female of that species. It's all over the place, birds, fish, mammals, the animal kingdom is just chalk full of examples of this. So, as an experiment I took one of my pictures and saturated it red. Red is a passionate color, an eye grabber, a power color. It's also one of my favorite colors, coincidentally. Photo is somewhat neutral...not cheesy smile, just straight, as few facial lines as possible, hair worn down slightly romantic curls, big eyes looking mischievously out of frame (perhaps at you). And a POP of color. So, I put this up today and am monitoring my profile views to see if the number increases.

The results so far have been terribly interesting. It has gotten noticed and in a big way. E-mails increased, profile views increased....however, and this is the really interesting part, the age of the e-mailers and viewers has dropped sharply. We'll say that previously I would get mostly e-mails and views from gentleman around the age of thirty. I'm thirty-ish so this is very cool with me. After posting the new photo I have been astounded to find myself being propositioned no less than four separate times by boys who are twenty-ish (One was 19, another 20, and two 23yr olds). Now, this kind of weirds me out as I am not into kids and all of them were very much kids. Good looking, sweet kids. I'm gonna keep the picture up until Valentine's Day and take it off after that, but I consider this one a very fun and positive experiment, maybe next time I'll try blue or green. Dating Scientist Out!

Awh, she's sentimental...

Hey, blog readers. Thought this one was fun and sentimental for V-day. Watched Up! today and it was just as good as I remembered. Worked out until everything hurts again. Ha, ha...probably also for V-day. A little tired, may take a nap, may just keep fooling around on the interent, haven't really decided yet. :)

Outside/Inside

Sometimes I can look at the same people everyday and not notice them. I can walk away from the things that I think with cause me harm. And sometimes I just go out to dinner with them and fall in love with them again and again and again. I look at him like through a pane of glass, seeing that he's just on the other side, untouchable, unreachable and smile and love him anyway. It's almost enough to be that close sometimes, so close you fog up the window with your breath and feel how warm he is right through the glass. But the window's still there. He won't open it. I won't open it because he asked me to close it. That doesn't mean I walked away from it. I'll just wait right here, trying not to look like a stalker.

Over Already?

Okay, so it's over...at least for a while. Football season has ended. Sigh. Yeah, I know, it was a fun time while it lasted. I had a good time getting into it this year...really fun. I even feel like I may have taken K down with me. We had a super excellent time going to watch the Super Bowl at Risky's last night. The commercials were funny. I wish the Pats had won, but hey, that is okay. TBrady Magic can't make the WR's catch if they are simply not gonna catch. Still, I will miss the excitement of a game every weekend for a while. Prep for next year's league is already going on.

This next week is a super busy one, even if I have today off. Tomorrow will be straight work, as much as possible. Wednesday (payday) work then 'Woman in Black' and Don and Millies with ever sweet K. Thursday, half day and dental appt. (shiver). Friday, work then FAC with old buddies from previous work, if they don't all bail on me. Must mail V-day stuff by Friday, if it's going in the mail. Then maybe a weekend to myself.....then dun, dun, dun...actual V-day week. I am dreading it, however, there is fun thing as I already have semi-tentative date plans for sometime that week (Not on V-day). Nothing in stone, mind you, but did have an offer to go out from someone I haven't heard from in a while, which was, in a strange way, kind of nice. I know I'm being vague about it...but that is how it is with this one...vague. No need to get overly excited about a 'maybe, kind of' date that might not even happen.

I will say this about V-day though, as much as I hate 'Single Person Awareness Day', it sure does light a fire on a dating website. Suddenly the old inbox lights up with sadly desperate dating offers and thinly disguised come-on's. Hilarious. Like some tapped these boys lightly on the shoulder and then screamed at them, "Hey, how do you like being alone?! You had better find a girl, and do it quickly!"
I even got an e-mail, finally, from Mr. Calorie Counter, who had not seen fit to e-mail me after our date two weeks ago, blah, blah-ing about how he'd been really busy and now wanted to talk. Really, he thinks I am desperate enough to keep talking to him...yeah, no, moved on to other stuff. See ya. Boys are friggin' idiots sometimes. Did I give you the vibe that I have nothing better to do then wait on you? Because I do. So, that was that. He was easy to toss, good looking, but not that interesting, ego the size of a country in Europe. Now, if I could just figure out the ones I'm concentrating on that would be a miracle of god. Also, in nature's most ironic of turns, I will likely be out of romantic circulation over the dreaded date itself. Funny, isn't it? Yeah, a bloody riot.

Super Bowl Sunday!!

After an obnoxious amount of flubbering about, K saved my bacon and said that he would just take me to Risky's today for the game so I don't have to rely on my roommates decision to go somewhere or not. I am so excited I can hardly stand it. The boy is a master of recovery. I was all hormone crazy and strange for the last two days. Today, I am feeling back to normal, with a topper of game excitement and a dash of naughtiness. We were talking on the phone and I was so excited I was like, "Yeah, see you later. I lo-o....uh, yeah bye." Yeah that's right I nearly told him I loved him. I am so f-caking ridiculous. But, that is how totally happy he made me today. I don't even care if the rest of the day goes well or not...that was worth it. He can be just the sweetest thing next to a honeybee drowning in marshmellow fluff sometimes.

So, woohoo! Oh, and really, more of my blogs need to have comments about strippers or sex in general as my readership for that day was 30 and for yesterday was an abysmal 5. Really? Yep. Sometimes my life is really fun and spicy and some days it really is just mundane and repetitive. That is just how it goes people. I can't be exciting all the time?! I get tired, hormonal, and sad sometimes just like everyone else. So, everyone just has to suffer and wait for the fun ones. :)

New Tracks Saturday

1). Fun Party Track --"Midnight, midnight" The Pottbelleez

2). Intensely Catchy Track --"Down With The Trumpets" Rizzle Kicks

3). Dance Track --"Dub Me Crazy" Bulletproof Ft Jesse G

4). Alternative Track --"Bad To Me" Loon Lake

5). If You Like Adele You'll Like This Track --"Do You Need Somebody" Beth Ditto

6). Bring It Down A Notch Track --"Skinny Love" Bon Iver

Enjoy the music. Life's about listening, as well as singing. Kisses, goodnight.

The Night After....

So, guess who's favorite aspiring author got comfy with strippers last night. Uh, yeah, that would be me. I'm the one in the picture with my shirt on. Please note that sh*t eating grin as it appear in most of the pictures. It was really a magnificent time. They were excellent dancers and considering I wasn't paying them to chat, really did exactly what they were supposed to do, which was take off their clothing for my money.

I have no idea what their names were. I wasn't paying attention to their names much. I mean look at those jeans. They smelled really good too, which was a total bonus. And when I did talk to a couple of them they were really sweet and nice, which is also very cool.

That one in the middle he was my favorite. Mainly because he was tall like I like'em. And look at those shoulders, a monkey can swing from a nice tree like that. However, they did a really cute number to 'Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy' all dressed up as cowboys and for some reason it really did the trick for me. I've never even liked cowboys and there are plenty of them out here. There was however, no Nerds or Lawyers like I was hoping. Oh, well, I'll settle for hot cowboys...I suppose.

Yeah, that's the smile on my face when I pay two bucks to have some guy lap dance me in a bar. However, this is just after and he is just as nice from behind. Come on, it was a cell phone picture in a really dark bar, you're lucky to be seeing it at all. Plus, if I ever go into politics I can say this was just random coincidence that there is a nearly naked stripper behind me shaking his a$$. I was only there to deliver the good word of Jesus to the Heathens.

Yep, just standing around looking hot. I bet they work out all the time. I got to touch a bunch of them actually, which my sister said is a 'no, no', but they were really nice to touch, like great skin, slick, warmish. Just really nice to touch. This is not saying it was okay to just put your mitts all over them, but they put my hands on them so it wasn't like I wandered into a museum and started petting the paintings, they MADE me touch'em. Really is it any wonder I am broke? I mean seriously.

Once again a nice shot of my fav, Tall Guy. Look at that sweet, sweet babyface. A lovely picture of a sweet boy who made me happy and has not caused me one moment of unhappiness. Thus, he is little more than a fantasy, as real boys do nothing but cause me stress and emotional bullshit. Ugh, don't even get me started on that one, even the one who was working out recently decided to piss me off. I should have just handed over his Valentine's day gift to this guy, just shoved it down the front of his tight, tight jeans and walked away with a smile on my face.

Maybe had I done that I would still look like this. I had a very good time. The ladies I went with also had a very good time, as we confered about it and passed around pictures this morning. My new phone's camera wasn't great so my pics were not half as good as these, however I did get a short video of them dancing which no one else had, so that was kind of cool. As experiences go it was one worth having. Now, the girls want to try and get me to go with them to Iowa to a real strip club. I'm not sure about that one, but who knows, it could be fun right?

On a hilarious side note, when I got home I got undressed, to put my nightgown on, and a dollar fell out of my bra. I have no idea how it got down there. None. Yeah, I went to see strippers and ended up with money in MY underwear. I think that only says positive things, really. Don't you?