Curses!

Short one. Maybe more later. Closed at work last night and need to report back at 9am. Ridiculous. I am exhausted. I also told them I wanted less hours and -get this because it is classic --the new schedule actually has me on there for more hours than I normally get. Go figure. Now I have to go talk to them again. They want me to work 40 at my new job then expect me to give every weekend I have to them. I think not.

Exercising For People Who Hate Exercise

So, in focusing on other things lately, aside from the melancholy lukewarm dating experiences I have had lately, I redirected. Recently when I do this, the easiest place for me to turn is to my exercise regiment. I really, really hate exercise (in high school I made it to state speech with an entertainment piece about how stupid all the weight loss stuff really was, it was very body positive and funny), however, after trying nearly every diet available, including WW and some light vegetarianism, and about every pill you can think of or get your hands, on including the prescription stuff, I discovered that the key really is the exercise --whether I liked it or not.

After losing, at this point 43lbs since February 2011 when I started, I figured today would be a good day to offer up some of the little secrets I have about it, so as to possibly help other girls or boys who need them. Some are cliché (but true), some are not. Take it for what it is worth, it's free advice to the world.

1). The name of the game is moving more. I used to hate to sweat (I would break out and stink and I detest that), but came to terms with this. Use that clinical deodorant, it works. If you are sweating, it's working so come to terms with this one early. You may think you don't have time --well, how about this time you are spending fat, do you really love that time? Yeah, thought not. Make time.

2). Buy one of those stupid balls. I know it is trendy and whatever, if you are totally overweight it should be what you add to your walking around regime. Get a weighted one, if you can, so you don't have to spend separate money on weights, because weightlifting is what will help you lose weight, plain and simple. I only do about two exercises with it, but they are great. Because my ball is weighted I pick it up and just move it in a big slow circle in front of me. It works my arms and back. My favorite ball exercise is pictured below. When I started doing it I could only do about five, then had to stop --there is no shame in starting slow, as long as you stick with it.

                                        

3). Make an effort to leave about half the food on your plate. At first, this will seem wasteful and may leave you a little hungry. Hungry is okay -we are Americans we are never starving. Pretty soon you will begin taking less portions or putting it back in the fridge to eat the other half tomorrow. Those are good habits. And fiber, eat as much of it as you can. Counting is bunk, eat what you want, when you want, but eat less of it. Also, make sure if you are dieting to take a vitamin to make sure you get everything, that one is important, we want to be healthy.

4). This is a new move I just learned and I think it is helping me get rid of those obnoxious bingo wings, or flabby arms. What you do is just lift your arms above your head and squeeze your elbows in towards your head. Are you doing it? Yeah, I know you can feel it working already. Now, just keep doing it. Do it at random times during the day. Lift a paperweight up there while you are sitting at your desk.

5). And this is the last little piece of good advice. While we are standing around doing nothing --waiting at the bank, waiting for something to load or download, or a pot to boil. Squeeze your butt. Let it remember there are still muscles back there. Hold the squeeze as long as you can, then let go. Simple. Then try pulling your belly button back towards your spine. Hold that. That's right...it's the old suck it in. Pretend there is someone attractive around you would like to impress. Hold it as long as you can. Then release. Don't hold your breath while you do this, in fact, focus on breathing while you are sucking it in. Hey, you have just worked out you butt and your deep abdominal muscles. Good job. Now just keep doing it. Whenever you think about it. Not tough, doesn't take too much time and it's absolutely good for you.

And really, that is about the long and short of it. I have not quit smoking and I still drink way too much Mt. Dew, every single day, but I am losing weight and feeling really good about it. I hope these little things work for you, like they work for me. Because, we must always remember the body is a machine, we run it and ruin it ourselves. Make it work for you. Would you let your car become so overweight and unhappy that it would not drive you anywhere you wanted to go? Oh, hell no, it's a car, it belongs to you and does as you say. You could take it to a body shop and have the fat taken off by a professional, but who has the money for that? So, you fix it yourself, until the whole neighborhood gathers around your garage and says, "Wow, you really take care of that car and it totally shows."

Maybe It's the DJ's Fault...

Ooooh, don't you just hate it when you know that things are going well for you, but it doesn't feel like they are. My general mood today has been good to slightly tired to apprehensive. I got up early. I had to call the new office and tell them that the old office had cleared me for starting on Monday. Should have been good, but the person I spoke with was not excited and seemed to want to get off the phone quickly for some reason. Okay...fine, I'm still vaguely excited, if not extremely nervous about it now.

I had lunch with an old, good friend from Ex-work. This was probably the highlight of the day. Lunch was not great which is crappy because I spent money on out food and it was just kind of 'meh'. I had a veggie burger because I am trying to go slightly meatless if I eat out --it is just better for me. I also fudged on this and had a pumpkin pie shake, which I used to love, that kind of made me feel ill and gross. I still looked great and my friend said as much. (Update, bought a new top and it is a Small) Their dating advice was, "We need to get you out where people can SEE you then you will get a date, for sure." Huh, okay, I thought that a hot picture was enough, now I am supposed to wander out to a meat market -Sigh-. When I mentioned this to my roommate she said, "Well, it's not as if you're really looking anyway. Plus, you will never find anyone while you are still going out with your Ex." So, I calmly explained that I had, in fact, been looking and that the Ex was 'just a friend', which he is. Gheesh. There is no pleasing anyone.

It is also a little less than pleasing to me that all the guys I have been talking to seem to have these super huge flaws. Sure, he was really nice and funny...oh, and has spinabifida. (Which also then makes me feel guilty and awful that I don't like him because he's in a wheelchair and I can't deal with that---which makes me a bad person). And that dude had cute things to say, but he's 55 yrs old and resembles an old leather glove. That's 22 yrs difference, so now I am a horrible ageist, as well. Oh, and just throw lookist on top of that, too, while we're self-flagellating ourselves about it. I swear, the more I look, the worse I seem to be as a person. Then there is the simple fending off of beer gut douchebag who says smarmy things and the four to five guys who don't e-mail me, when I e-mail them, after checking out my profile. Somedays it is just too hard to deal with, so I ignore it. Then get lonely, or this day, realize that we will become hella busy and feel pressured to get something started before I have no time at all for 'Mr. Right', shit or even 'Mr. Right Now".

I swear I am about to start asking people seriously, "So, what do you think is wrong with me?" Then tallying it all up and just pretending. Just be thin, pretty with good teeth, and never open my mouth again. Would that bloody well do it? I just have no idea anymore. I would love to say it didn't get me down and that it doesn't matter at all to me, but it does and it does. So, I will simply concentrate on other things and see if that helps. Nothing like ignoring a problem until you are too old to do anything about it. At least, I can still laugh about it, that's something I guess.

Brain Babies

With the usual run around that my period causes me I have been doing some really hard thinking about an issue I loathe thinking or talking about. Kids. I decided back a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away that I didn't want them. Not at all. Why should I really, they take up all of your time and money and energy so that later down the road they can blame you for all the problems they had. Plus, they smell funny and are mostly sticky all the time. It was a perfectly logical conclusion. I had partying and drinking to do anyway, at that time, so I really focused on that.

However, after hitting 30-ish. I reexamined this. I found that I would indeed be susceptible to the idea. I had been a really good dog mom, maybe I wouldn't be a half bad human mom. So, I stopped and looked around and suddenly everyone was taken. Well, I certainly didn't want to do this thing without anyone to help me. I mean I could do it by myself, but this was something I would definitely need a partner for. However, all the candidates turned out to need more mothering than a baby ever would so I flip-flopped back to a solid 'no'.

But, it crept back in slowly, in strange ways. Like I stopped in the middle of the mall and looked at one of those window displays with the whole baby's room all set up inside and thought, 'yeah, my baby's room should look just like that. I like that.' Wait, what?! What the hell was I thinking?! Then for about two weeks yahoo news had nothing on it but articles about fertility and conception. Did you know that after 35 I will only produce 1 to 2 viable eggs anymore? There is a set amount of those things in there and when you don't make anymore --that's it, you don't make them anymore. It really scared the crap out of me. I always felt like I had plenty of time to decide about this. That it would be a relaxed decision. Now, it seems like I am the president paused nervously above the nuclear war button. 'I mean sure, they said it would work if I pushed it, but what if the equipment is too old and it fails if I don't do something now.' Not to mention that while this was going on I felt like I was in a good relationship with someone who might, just maybe, make for good 'daddy' material. Although, not to worry, I used all of my female bag of tricks to scare the crap out of him and send him running.

Oddly, the feeling has not simply abated as I would have hoped. I find myself contemplating it a lot more than I ever really want to. I am not scared to be alone. I like being alone. But, what if I never get a chance to be someone's mom? What if I am supposed to be really good at that --and I don't ever get to try because I over-thought it? I'm even upset I have to think about it again. I mean, fear is a stinky motivator and I really want this to have no bearing on trying to find someone to love me. It's hard enough on it's own, trust me. So, adding what seems to be a ridiculous biological time bomb to it is simply moronic and will lead to irrational, stupid decisions. I am well aware of this, but it doesn't really help -awareness is great, but I'm not sure how much it will help.

Oh, and I did get that new job! They just called. Now, I'm even more attractive as I will be making enough to be a good dating prospect and have the insurance to get those teeth fixed. I'm gonna go on-line and see if there is a way to freeze your own eggs at home.

Ding, Ding, Ding, We Have A Winner!

Sorry, to double post, but I nearly wet my pants laughing at this.

Rules of Stage Conduct

Offering free publicity to another rather good blog, this picture is from "Lessons In Acting, Or How NOT to do it, by Edmund Shaftesbury, edited and sarcastically commented on by Alfred Armstrong". The blog is really hilarious. I particularly like his commentary on Passionate Kissing. Which everyone can use a little more practicing on, in my humble opinion, especially me so...if interested, please contact me for some 'acting classes' I will provide free of charge, of course, simply for the betterment of the craft. Thanks, Stanislavski, but I have my own method on that one. Hee, hee.

And speaking of practicing kissing, I did, in fact update my dating profile with new pictures and have gotten a rather positive response. A bunch more e-mails, some of which contain, as referenced above, a good deal of flattery from strangers. Now, I would love to say that I am totally immune to this kind of thing, but....nope, I am positively ensnared by little comments like 'you have a great smile and some amazing eyes'. Suddenly, it is as if I had no idea. "Really, I have amazing eyes? You don't say. Hmmm. Yes, well they do see very well and they are a rather nice shape and color as far as eyes of people go. I suppose I do, in fact, have amazing eyes. Now, I need to put that on my resume."

Come to think of it, I have an amazing lot of things. Yeah, sure, as previously discussed the smile could use some work --but, it's not like I have British people teeth (Sorry, British people all the people on TV over there have some funny looking teeth) and it does convey real happiness when I post it up there on my face, so yeah, I have a great smile. Huh, perhaps these boys are onto something here.

I don't mind flattery. Some people do, I suppose, consider it disingenuous or cheap talk, but when I compliment someone, say on their appearance or smell or something positive about the way they look or act, I mean it as a statement of my opinion. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and expressing the good parts about that opinion of others can be a very positive thing. For example, just an example mind you, I have been wanting to tell someone recently that when they sometimes say 'with' in a sentence and it comes out as 'whiff' when they say it I, at first, thought it was annoying, but now find it adorable. It's an opinion. It's my opinion. However, this person is not good with compliments of any kind so I keep that kind of thing to myself. But, I have no problem telling that random lady at my job interview that I liked her dress. I did like it, it was a nice dress. I kind of wish more people would randomly compliment me on things. Especially, when I work so hard to look nice, act right, and be good. It let's me know that things are working.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah. I have a lovely lunch set up for Wednesday with an old friend and a full work schedule this week with includes a strange day shift on Friday. I did get some splendid news from one of my references that they had been contacted by the place I interviewed with last week so I am trying desperately not to hold my breath that I might have that new job I want. Go Redskins Defense tonight and thanks, Sweet Christmas Baby Jesus, all warm and laying in your manger full of gold hay, for listening to all my prayers about that job this week. Peace Out.

Crazy? No, Thank You, I Have Some Already.

Okay, I'm a big girl. I can admit when I have PMS and when I don't. I happens, it's a natural kind of acceptable 24hr crazy. I know some woman hide it better than others, but anyone who has a period knows what I am talking about. Along with that familiar urge to simply rip out one's own reproductive organs, toss them to the pavement, and kick them.

Much like a phobia is an uncontrollable, irrational fear, my PMS seems to be an uncontrollable, irrational, although fleeting, mental state. I over analyze every little thing without even realizing I am doing it until it causes someone else grief. I feel self-conscious and unappreciated (even if that is not really how things are). I am achy and hurting and....let's face it....sometimes down right catty.

So, yesterday was kind of it. I mean, it was not a great day to be around me. Plus, I poked myself in the eye and have to wear my glasses all day and I felt really sick. So, I did my best to curl up in a little ball and sleep as much as possible. I did manage to put out a blog that was...hmmm, what is the word I'm looking for here, the one that means lame, obnoxious, self-indulgent tripe? Hmmm, well, I can't seem to come up with it, but whatever. I don't think I handled it very well. The whole bleeding thing makes me really wish for someone (like a boy) who would go out and get me chocolate and McDonald's, then hold me while I cry and bemoan my very existence for about an hour. As I simply don't have that right now, I must then lash out at all male animals for their simple ignorance of the event I live through every month. I believe it's called displacement, or some such.

Anyway, luckily, I have my fantasy football league to express rage in today and later, just in case anyone needs a good slap in the face, I'll be at work, so stop by. I am working through it, really I am.

The Friend Zone

Okay, so last night I went out for the first time since the break-up with my Ex. I had offered the olive branch of friendship to him. I had a nice time. It was nice to talk to him and I, let's be honest here, had not been out of the house with anyone, who was not family, in a while. We have been e-mailing and things as far as not face-to-face communications were good. I mean we have a lot of common interests, I think he's funny and cute. My opinion of him has not changed a lot since the break-up.

However, and this may be a warning to heed if you are wiser than I seem to be, that was the whole problem. My opinion or feelings for him have not really changed at all (Even if I have thoroughly convinced myself they have totally changed and I'm not the one hopelessly waiting for him to change his stupid mind about me). So, yeah, of course I want to be around him --he's gentlemanly, attractive and fun, and I still like him 'that way'. But, in breaking up with me --I have been the one demoted to 'friend'. It is effectively saying, "Hey, I like you, but not enough to date you."

What's worse is that -and I was literally told that I needed to NOT react like this by someone when I told them that I was going to be friends with him - even though I feel very confident in how I look and feel about myself, I would still drop everything if he asked to date me again. How ridiculous is that? When I know it's not going to happen, it's a solid fact. I realized this briefly, but what really hit the nail on the head was this picture right here (below). The gentleman in this photo is in the friend zone and still likes his Ex-girlfriend sitting across the table. His positioning is leaning toward her, interested, ready --hers is back, removed and away. This was pretty much how we looked having coffee tonight.

So, what to do about this....as this arrangement simply will not work. Yeah, I'm not stupid. I see what he is getting out of this and it's rather unfair for me to short-change myself so much that I have to hang out with someone I want, but have no chance of having. Hmmm. So, I've decided to handle this in a rather unconventional manner. The advice books say cut all ties and walk, but, I'm not great with advice books. So, I fix what I can fix --me. Henceforth, I banish him to the 'Friend Zone'. Sometimes, what is really needed is an attitude change. I need to think about this like I was the one who broke-up with him and sent him to the Zone.

I'm not gonna wait around. I have plenty of people e-mailing me for a date now. I'm going to start giving them a chance, rather than sadly wishing the Ex would invite me to cuddle for awhile (which rather sadly I did tonight, but never again. I'm at least smart enough to see this and admit it is wrong). F*ck that.



Sure, I liked him. I like him still. I mean, he has no chance with me anymore, but hey, I'm sure that's fine with him. So, settled. I am so strong enough to do this. So, in conclusion, we had dinner, with a friend, it was fun. Next week or the week after, I'm going to have a real date to go on and it's gonna be great. :)

The New Girl...(Or the Same Girl, Repackaged)

So, this is what I wore to the interview yesterday. I have vowed that I would start to love every single picture of me. And this one I liked enough to update it to my primary on the dating website. Far be it from me to take the advice of an arrogant a$$ on a dating website, but I updated it because that is what I look like now. This is me. I am beautiful because I love me --not because of what anyone else thinks. Although, I will admit I haven't had this much fun looking at myself model underpants in the mirror in a long, long time. Ha, ha. The shine on my boobs is only there on film. It's a cashmere sweater, it happens --but, yesterday you totally couldn't see them like that.

Now to get those stupid teeth fixed and we will be all set and self-confident all the time. So, working out this morning felt pretty good. The sweat seemed to be more worth it. The ache and extra minutes on the treadmill were just a little sweeter. We can do this, it is indeed achievable (which some days is totally in doubt). I needed to post this one so I can look back at it when I need some motivation. Sorry if it seems a bit self-indulgent.

Things are going well. I should know how the interview went in about a week, they said. But, I have a good feeling about it and I thought it went okay. I worked on keeping this one shorter than my last. It was only about an hour, which should suffice, I think. It is a great branch of the state and does many of the same things my previous office jobs did, actually. So, I wait patiently, and thank god I still have another job, just in case.

Also, got my roster prepped for this weeks match-up in my fantasy league. I dropped one of my crappy WR's and picked up a guy whose been doing pretty well. I'm gonna start him and see how it goes. The girl I am up against has a fair team, but a really good Def. I have a good RB's and an great QB, but my Def is a little lacking. We shall see, I am still supremely confident I will win. I am also kind of happy because this week the only other two teams with 2 week winning streaks go up against each other --so one of them will have a loss --or they will tie. Which still puts me squarely on top, barring some spectacular playing from my opponent. (Insert maniacal laughter here.)

Having dinner with the Ex this evening. This is the part where we see if this 'being friends' thing will actually work. I am nervous about it for some reason. I know I shouldn't be, but I've never been able to be friends with my Ex's, up to this point. I mean we e-mail a lot, but that is different than seeing them in person. Which kind of reminds me that he hurt me. Hmmm. I am going to simply try to relax and have a good time. However, the minute he tells me he is dating someone else, I will probably not talk to him anymore --as I don't want to even know about that, it is painful and makes me queasy. But, that is neither here, nor there really, it is about time to grow up and toughen up.

Big Fish

-That is a big fish in that small pool.-

Hey, People. I really wanted to get a bunch done today --I have every intention of doing so, but I got tired. I know, it's lame, but it's also not sick or lazy, it's just tired. Sometimes you need to just rest for a day. Things get crazy and everything is moving so very fast. So, I slowed it down today.

Spent some quality time with my sister, who after her surgery, was still very sore and not supposed to do anything strenuous. We got up early and had a pot of coffee, put on the 80/90's radio and just hung out, talked and sang to the radio in our bathrobes for a good portion of the morning. When she laid down for a nap, I got ready for my interview which was at 3pm today. I planned out a route and got my letters together and just prepared in general for a good interview. I also tried on about a million different things and it is clear that I fit into -NONE- of my old business casual clothing. So, if we do get the job, there will be an office separates replenishment in the works.

I thought it went really well. Their questions were straight-forward interview questions and it did not last a huge amount of time (about an hour). I liked both of the supervisors a lot and it seems very simple. They said it is definitely entry level work, but it seems like about three jobs I have had previously. I certainly hope I get it. I tried my best and there was no typing test so --I figure it went well. Also, this is kind of funny. They said that they might be moving into a certain insurance company's building by this time next year --which is funny considering that was the company I interviewed with about a month ago (I suppose one way or another I was meant to be in that building). I hope and pray that this goes well.

I really, really want that regular schedule back and would like for my family to be able to stop worrying about me financially. You know, to be back on my feet independently. I even decided that I would indeed keep my current job (which I had not really previous thought about very hard, until they asked me in this interview). I was, as usual, impressed by the state's splendid benefits package and they separate holiday and sick time accounts in a really generous way too. It also seemed like an office I could grow in very easily, if I so desired. Some places just give you that vibe that if you can get your foot in the door you could pretty much rule that place in five years. I could do that here, I'm pretty sure, once I know their computer system. However, I am nearly famous for my over-confidence, at this point, so I will simply content myself with a good interview and pray to special Christmas Jesus tonight before bed that he finally let something break for me, that is not the lottery this time.

Recommendations and Report

Ha, so funny story....yesterday when I got the e-mail that my interview had been rescheduled, I asked quite innocently if I should bring anything with me (i.e. a copy of my resume, etc). I got a really lovely e-mail back saying that they indeed had a copy of my resume already, but if I wanted to bring in letters of recommendation I should do that. Uh, oh. Slightly old fashioned in this day of tech I-can-find-anything-about-you-on-the-internet (Thank God the blog here is anonymous). Sure, I had one that I asked for from someone a long time ago, but nothing current.

Dang, so I e-mailed all the old work buddies and bosses I could get my hands on (some of whom where references and some of whom were not, thank you, Facebook) and begged them for letters of recommendation --because, as usual, I want this job intensely and immensely. I have one from the bestie, which pretty much glows on the page, and have another coming from a very good friend I had lost touch with but had written a letter of recommendation for previously. So, that's two. I think that will have to do. Better than, "Well, I simply don't have any." Sheesh. I hate doing that to my friends all last minute, so rude and inconvenient for them.

Speaking of rude and inconvenient, K came through her breast surgery very well. She is super sore and said that the Novocain they gave her did not work very well, but she is tough and got it all done. Now they biopsy the tissue, which we are pretty sure is just another package of cyst cells bundled together like the last one. She has a really good attitude about it and considering even ten or twenty years ago it would have meant some kind of mastectomy or in-the-hospital surgery with a big fat scalpel, medical science on this has come a very long way, which is super comforting to know. She was super pissed that they made her take another mammogram after the surgery, just super pissed. Oh, well. I'm gonna wear my 'I Love Boobies' pink bracelet to work tonight to show support.

So, Far This Week...

Busy, week ahead...I mean, it is really nothing compared to the bestie who is currently trying to fill her days with activities and succeeding quite well, but some things are definitely happening.

So, tonight work closing (technically would have had today off, but decided to pick up a shift). Tomorrow K is going in from some out-patient breast surgery. She has benign cyst tissue in there they will be taking out and biopsying. She is nervous about it, but has several days to relax and recoup due to the surgery so we wish her all luck and good things. Also work closing shift that night. Next day, Thursday, interview time got moved from 8am to 3pm, thank goodness. I was alittle afraid I would have to close on Wednesday then make it to the interview early in the morning --it would have worked out but, this way works out better. Friday, meeting a friend for dinner, catching up and light activity. Then of course working all weekend long, as usual and my fantasy football week three match-up.

Kind of a busy week. I am looking forward to it and it should be big fun in some places. Walmart last night with D was also fun. We picked out all the materials for our costumes and she is going to start sewing. I need to request off the days for the Con, so I can make sure I get them, but honestly it will be nothing compared to if I get a new job and have to go in and tell them I can only do one weeknight and one weekend day (I have decided I would still keep the old job, for the discount, ya know.)

I am trying to enjoy the relaxing moments while I have them, study some filing rules and keep taking those on-line typing tests. I need to get it to the point where I can get a certificate for my 40wpm and just take that in to them so I can stop having to take typing tests. I hate typing tests. I get too nervous then I fail miserably at something I do on a daily basis --I know, strange isn't it.

Titanium, Baby.

Fire away, fire away. Bringing in Monday Funday (as it is my first day off in four straight shifts that have been nightmarish), with a happy late night blog.

Many good things happened today. I killed in my match up in my fantasy football league. 100 to 64. So this makes my week 2 winning streak! How about that? I am really excellent at this, I think. I make pretty good game day decisions and do my research. I should have had Fred Jackson in (he was on my bench) instead of Ray Rice or Micheal Turner, but they both did well. However, Plaxico Burress was another week two disappointment --earning me exactly no points at all. I need a better WR. I picked up Devery last week and he had a good game tonight, but Brandon Loyd also did nothing, so it wouldn't have mattered who I had -him or Buress and both of them would have done nothing for me. Huh, what to do....I'll think on it, maybe making an add/drop tomorrow. Still the league leader, I think...some of the other girls had some pretty hot match-ups this week too. I'm gonna say I am, because I feel like it. Who's your Daddy? Oh, me again, yeah, I spanked ya.

Also, caught the attention of probably the one person on that dating website who is considered 'more arrogant' than I am and we had a nice, if slightly pretentious, repartee of e-mails. I also got an e-mail from a nice guy (I wanted to say kid as he's 26) who is interested in talking fantasy football with me and perhaps hanging out. He seemed nice enough --but, he's one of those dudes that doesn't fill out a profile, just e-mails you and 'wants to talk' which seemed to me to be kind of a lame line. Yeah, I have read that 'How To Be A Player On OKC' article like everyone else and it seemed to be kind of from the playbook of that. So, I am being cautious...friendly, but cautious. Plus, the age thing is starting to give me pause. I mean it used to be 'age is just a number', but it does kind of matter. I'm mature with a silly side, some of these kids are just silly, without an ounce of maturity to them at all. Anyway, I consider it positive movement on the whole dating thing.

Yesterday was the Ex-BF's b-day, which kind of prompted the checking of the dating e-mail box I had been avoiding. I realized, as all Ex-girlfriends do at some point, that it was useless to keep hoping he might reconsider about me. He won't, it's not gonna happen. Welcome to the Friend Zone --it's cold here, it kind of sucks, it will be awkward and uncomfortable, and no one wants to see your panties, even the new ones. Damn, seeing it in print really hammers it home to me. Yeah, we're giving up on him, going to set up a lounge chair on the Friend Zone beach where everyone wears a cover-up, buys their own umbrella drinks, and reads the personal ads quietly. Wait, is that singles strip volleyball over there? Hey, I'm good at volleyball. :)

--Noon additions. Got an e-mail from the state for an interveiw for one of the things I applied for. I am now taking on-line typing tests like a muthaf*cker.

Beautiful Day

You know when you've been in the trenches for a long time. You know looking at the dirt walls and wondering if you will ever be able to claw your way out. You wonder if when you finally get out of that trench there will be a barbed wired, land-mined no-man's land waiting for you. But, it's gotta be better than this dirty trench, right? And sometimes when you are down there, something cool falls down to you. Extra magazines, new ammunition, a cure for what ails you, kicked down for you. Today, I got alittle something nice kicked my way. And while it does not solve all problems, it eases the burden of having to carry all of them alone on your back.

--So, smiles all around this Sunday, You, got the love I need to see me through.--

Can't Hug Every Cat

Okay, so I may have figured out why my dating is going nowhere. If videos like this on e-harmony are the norm --then I have simply not been showing enough of my crazy. As I have said before, every woman has a gene which enables them to be crazy or act crazy for no reason when it is triggered. It can be dormant for a long time then simply flip --you are having drinks with what seemed like a reasonable human being then suddenly your friends biological clock alarms, which causes her crazy gene to activate, then you are having an hour long discussion about babies, or her lack thereof, and she is sobbing uncontrollably. This girl in the video, has obviously had some kind of cat triggering event.

Hee, hee. Super funny.

Anyway. Things are good today. Work last night was, once again, wretched. We had a bunch of cashiers call in, so sales floor got nothing done, because we were up on the lanes all night. It was massively ridiculous. I will be going back at noon today. We left a lot of work for the fitting room, which is kind of suckie as that is where I will be working. I also found out that a bunch of the newer, or as new as I am, people have recently been recognized for achievements I have been doing quietly for a long time and receiving no recognition for. Which, of course, makes me somewhat bitter. So, that is work....I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I have some games tomorrow and am taking a chance on a new WR that I picked up this week. He had a great game last week so I am hoping he gets at least as much play in as last time. Who knows. That's why it's a gamble. I am liking the colder weather, but it going to make for a dreary game in Lincoln today. I suppose, as long as people stay out of the store I am cool with that.

Run And Tell THAT....

I know what the song is about, but this one is funny, and catchy. I keep singing it...run and tell that, run and tell that, run and tell that...home, home, homeboy. I might just buy it on ITunes. Maybe. Same kids that did the Charlie Sheen 'Winner' song. And their songify the news is pretty hilarious too.

Work was a beast last night. It was  inventory time. The effort and amount of people was massive, but they only had three sales floor people all night (somebody called in, thanks so much for that one)-so I was in harlines, then switched to softlines, then helped hardlines, then back to softlines. We got out at 11pm,  but I feel like I do after like five straight shifts. I'm pretty fit and this kicked my a$$. I ache all over. Not in one place --all over my body. It was nightmarish. And guess where I will be again tonight. That is correct, right back there, damn it.

I have some things to do before work tonight, so I need to get on them. Also, slightly disappointing is that all my games for my league are on Sunday and I will be at work, so I won't know how things turn out until I get home late that night. The Ex's b-day is also Sunday, not that we were doing anything for it, which I kind of regret. He helped make mine really nice and memorable. It is strange that both my Ex's b-days are so close --it should have been a sign. R's is the 21st and K's is the 18th. I am beginning to think I should just stay away from Virgo's altogether, perhaps they are an incompatible sign with Cancers. I am also trying very hard to not feel deprived today because I am going to work and not going to the symphony. There were going to be acrobats, People, acrobats --and I'm missing it.

Darker Shadows

This one is one of my all time favorites, because it is totally true. Absolutely and totally true. I enjoyed his style, certainly, when it was fresh and new I loved it. But, you have to release Johnny Depp right now, just let him go...he's a good actor and can do other things. If you want to, you can also release Helena, but you married her, so keep her if you like. Just stop putting them in everything you make --we are starting to doubt you can work with anyone else.

So, now they are remaking 'Dark Shadows'. My mom loved Dark Shadows, she watched it on TV all the time. She would tell us the plot lines of the episodes sometimes, when we weren't reading Nancy Drews, for bedtime. It seemed like a very cool show --like a 1970's kind of True Brood --including vampires, werewolves, and witches, with a distinctly Gothic flavor. I tried watching it but, never really got into it. I can't say I am excited about seeing it being resurrected for the Tween Twilight Lover's kids roaming the streets in droves, but hey, whatever makes them money, I suppose.

Interesting day off. Not much happened, but relaxing. Back to work tomorrow and all bloody weekend. Yeehaw. This run on the Missoni stuff is crazy -- I read an article that people are doubling and tripling what they paid for things and selling them on the Internet. That is f-caking-crazy. One of those ugly sweater dresses sold for like $300 they cost like $34.99. We did have some stuff left of the brand when I left on Tuesday night, but it is highly doubtful this morning. I don't have any money to do the turn around on items like that anyway, so I suppose I don't really care. Well, I'm trying not to care anyway. I am really, really trying not to care....

Week One Victory!

Good Day, People. I gotta tell you I awoke this morning as the league leader in my fantasy football league. I killed my match-up, just killed it. I had 112 points to my opponent's 66 points. Who's your Daddy? Me, I'm the god damn daddy around here! Ro-o-o-ooarrr-r-r-r-r!

This winner is going to get free panties today, then going to work. I know, not terribly exciting, but, hey, I've still got this great, shiny feeling to wear around. My work schedule gets pretty solid here in the next week. I have already picked up two more shifts for this week and next. So, I will be there quite a bit. We also broke the 150 barrier and hit 149.5lbs. I know it also doesn't seem like much, but progress is progress, no matter how slow. So, it is also worth celebrating. So, today, I celebrate quiet victories, well, I did do a little football winner dance when I checked my score which I also did after I got off the scale. That's cool, right?

Doctor....

So, I took all the 'wah-wah French cries with my Wah-burger' from today's previous post and consulted my my therapist, Dr. Cool-Stache. Doctor Cool-Stache, told me to stop being an overly-whiny b*tch because no one wants to be around them or read their stupid blogs. Ah, I see. He went on to explain that really when things seem bad, they are not so bad.

Good things did happen today. My student loans sent me a letter saying they are no longer reporting negatively on my credit report. That's good. My car insurance policy went down by a whole $10 a month. Pretty Good. Got another coupon in the mail for free panties. Free panties are always awesome. And really, after watching some SportsCenter, Ray Rice, I would like to thank you for having a really ass kicking game and doubling the amount of fantasy points I was supposed to get. Who says, no one ever helps me kick ass? Ray Rice helped. And thank you, Melancholy, for making me work out twice as hard as yesterday and helping me to get closer to my weight goal. Sometimes, it is the little things that keep ya going. And did you see that harvest moon last night? It was super cool.

So, we open that bottle of wine we had been saving for a rainy day, dance around in my room, and just generally feel better. I've got games to watch tonight anyway. Thanks, Dr. Cool-Stache.

Downer

If you can't tell by the hair man hands, this is a dude, not a pregnant chick. I had a tough time with that. Unfortunately, when I ask for a guy with a six pack this is kind of what I am handed. I would like to think that all this body work I am doing will eventually pay off, but today I am having some issues feeling, well, like I'm good looking. It's not a self esteem thing. I have great self esteem. I'm really cool.

Thinking about going blonde. In my mind when I'm talking to guys it seems to me they are looking at me wishing I looked like....well, in my mind it's a girl I used to know E. Stokke, long straight blonde hair and she weighed about 2lbs total. I started straightening my hair to go to work. I know, somewhat futile, but results have been kind of good looking. Plus, and this is ridiculous bitching now so be warned, none of my clothes fit. I swim in most of it, so if there has been progress made in getting skinny, nobody can see it anyway --they just see a girl who keeps pulling at her pants awkwardly because her underwear is huge on her. Embarrassing. Not appealing. So, the changes don't feel rewarding. Then I get hungry, then I get sad. I must be totally mental. Perhaps I should just get another dog and consign myself to my fate.

The highs are high, the lows are low. I am pretty sure I will win my fantasy match-up tonight. We both have two players to play, but I have a QB and WR and she has a K and QB (who is not Tom 'beat your ass' Brady).  We shall see, but I am fairly confident. Which is nice. I am excited to have something to be competitive about again. I missed that. Work does not satisfy that. The occasional game of Yahtzee does not satisfy that. Lame attempts to be with another human being do not satisfy that. Now, fantasy football, that satisfies that desire.

Part of my disappointment today is also in the fact that I have to work Friday night and did not have enough fun money to get tickets to the Lincoln Symphony Orchestra's Friday night season opener. And I had really been looking forward to it. Really, really. So, I try to comfort myself --oh, that is okay, we will go see them later in the season, or whatever. Sure, just one more thing to heap on the pile of broken promises to myself. It is starting to not make so much sense to just keep working on things that never really pan out. I have no idea what the alternative would be as I have never really quit trying to accomplish goals, but I am starting to get tired, just really tired, somewhat melancholy. The fighting it wears upon me. I am punch drunk and battle weary.

Cowbell

Okay, yeah, I am not sure if it is more cowbell that is called for or what, but I am exhausted. I didn't really drink yesterday, even though I did watch the Husker game, and a couple of Thundercats episodes I had missed, and it was very good. I even took a nap yesterday, but today I am just physically exhausted.

I got in two more good pages on the manuscript and solidly figured out the plotting points for the ending which should be coming up this next week some time, then I go back and fill in some holes. So, it is still going well.

Work was hectic, but not bad yesterday, and went quickly, which was nice. Today, I close, but wow, I sure don't feel like it at all. I have about four players on my fantasy roster playing today and another two who play tomorrow. I am having the toughest time with my wide receivers. Like I have two solid players --then Plaxico Burress and Austin Collie. Collie is listed as Q, for' questionable', I think, with like a hamstring injury or something and Burress has a P by his name, but I'm not sure what that means when it list 'ankle' right next to it. Does that mean he was injured and is 'Playing'? I guess that is my best guess on the matter so I have to play him. Oh, well, it is up to fate now, some of the games have started. I'd like to stay home and watch the statstracker, but that is just not going to happen. The shift, which normally seems pretty good being 2:30 to 11p, seems very long like it is taking up my whole day today.

So, cheers. to surviving another day. I am not a huge fan of all the 9/11 stuff, but I understand it. I know why it is important to remember. So, hug the family, watch some football, and pray for something better (that would pretty much embody the American dream, at this point).

Putting On The Uniform

That's right, I cured my blues with a healthy dose of self love. Boy, I have no idea why I date when I am so damn good at sleeping with myself. Some would say that is TMI, but you know what, this is my secret diary and I say exactly what I want to. And it's true, I love me better than anybody. That is a good thing, can you imagine not knowing what you need? That's just odd.

My mid-shift got moved to an early shift today, so no more hours, just earlier hours. Not that great of a change, but it does seem like the store is getting a little smarter as far as covering when there is a game. Today, game is at 6. The shift was 2p to 7p, now it is 11a to 4p, because simply we will get more traffic prior to the game then when it starts. Duh, I could have told them that one myself.

Unfortunately, last night David came in with a cold. Then didn't take anything because he wanted to drink last night. Nice, really sweet of you to bring in that shit for everyone else to get. Idiot. Today, I can not tell if it is my allergies or if I am getting sick as well. I sure hope it is just my allergies. I also did not get any writing done at all, because I had to go to bed as soon as I got home from work last night. The plague of closing shifts, I suppose. I close again tomorrow, but at least I have tonight to get some word-age in, if I can get the focus to do so.

One of the avid readers at work volunteered her services in reading one of my manuscripts. I have not decided if I'm going to take advantage of this or not as she is fairly young and although she has read alot, it is mostly like Twilight, Hunger Games, and other young adult offerings which are very different from what I write. Once again, I find I am a little timid about it as I have no desire to have someone throw rotten tomatoes at me. Also, the last two people I let read anything, have not even gotten back to me --which is the nice way to tell an author you hate what you did read, I suppose. Or they got busy and forgot about it, which also happens. Either way, it is somewhat stressful to me. So, once again, we pretend we have a skin, thick and bumpy like a thorny lizard and let no one know we are squishy and red inside like everyone else. Time to put on the uniform.

The Old Maid

Just as a bit of free publicity, the picture is by an artist named Justin Hillgrove, whose work I quite enjoy. It's interesting. I love the little stone cats, btw, much as she does, no shedding. It's called 'The Old Maid'.

It reminded me that I love Greek mythology, well any mythology, I'm a writer, I love a good story. In particular the stories that being too pretty or being too good at something would anger a god enough to have them come and do something about you. Arachne, I'm pointing at you. Now, Medusa maybe not so much. She kind of got the short end of the stick when you look at it -raped in a temple, gods don't believe you...turned into a horrific creature meant to be alone. Probably too pretty, but that is neither here nor there on that one, unless you want to cut off your nose to spite your face. I kind of figured it would be better to speculate on someone else's lonely fate, rather than contemplate my own, which was weighing on me ever so slightly today. Not that I would mind a little deity intervention, if one were availible for that sort of thing. Sometimes, I think snake hair would be a little easier to take care of.

Really, it was caused by a very funny joke that I recieved in a letter from my 92 yr old grandmother today. I had told her over the phone about the break-up last month, which she briefly lamented as she never got to meet him at all. She who has experience in this kind of thing, having had a husband for 44 yrs and outliving him by 23 yrs at this point, had some good things to say. And the joke goes like this....What is the difference between a rooster, Uncle Sam, and an old maid?...Give up? A rooster says, "Cockadoodledo." Uncle Sam says, "Yankee-doodle-do!" and an old maid says, "Any dude'll do."

Honestly, I have laughed and laughed about it. It is a great joke. And perhaps, if I were an old maid, I might have this very wide open criteria for a companion. However, it is safe to say, I do not. I have cut back a lot on my ever so high standards of youth, but I still have a few. So, in the interest of honing them properly, here they are. 1). You must love me. 2). You should have some kind of job (this is not for money, it's because it shows you have some kind of drive, a passion in your life, or a knowledge of responsiblitiy to others). 3). Basic hygenie. 

Yep, that is the list. It's not a long one, everything else can be worked on, developed, accepted, or over looked. Notice I did not say 'changed' as I am a firm believer that trying to change someone in a relationship is kind of ridiculous and leads to more frustration than is ever needed for both parties. I work a lot on my own physical appearance, but I think everyone does and yeah, there should be attraction. I don't ask for passion --it's icky like asking for money. One of those back-of-your-mind things that we like getting when it's there, but hate getting on our knees for, right? So, still petting my stone cats and combing my snake hair, waiting around, I guess.

Show Me Your TD's!

Hi, my name is H and I am now squarely addicted to fantasy....football. Holy Crap! Tonight was the first game of the season is was the New Orleans Saints vs. The Green Bay Packers. I only had one person on my roster playing, he is my kicker Mason Crosby. And he did well for me this evening, earning me 6 of his projected 9 points. Very well done, Mr. Crosby. Now, I just have to figure out if I can make adjustments to the roster before Sunday's mega line up of games, if I am allowed to do that, which I have not figured out. Then plan some kind of strategy based on who I have and who I can play. My primary QB is playing Monday night. I watched the stats tracker the whole time like a drooling cave troll watches for goats on a bridge. It was awesome.

I even stole the blog title from one of the other teams in my league, which being a sassy all female league is called The Angry Beavers. Even after the first night, this has been so much fun. I am so excited to be doing this and learning new stuff. Totally cool. I really must thank the bestie for forming the league and inviting me. Perhaps, I shall get her a nice, tall, refreshing cup of 'shut the hell up', when we get our match up. I think she'd like that. I just so-o-o-o can not wait to trash talk with someone who totally knows I'm not serious and would never really do those things I say. My sister K is also in this league so I can just yell down the stairs about how much she sucks (and it is hardcore like a Dyson, People) or the unhygienic freshness of her anatomy anytime I feel like it. Although she has Drew Brees, who even though the Saints ate it, had a pretty good game and did her a solid 30 points. Just so EXCITED!

Tonight's music video is just an interesting one I found, I like the chorus. Cute romantic video. Whatever. God, I wish I had a cute romantic life....like some handsome british pop singer would run after me --through a field, over a fence, across the beach. I doubt I would be stupid enough to just walk into the sea --there are dangerous creatures that will eat you in there and it looks freezing --I would probably just be like, 'Yeah, let's go home and snog, this water is freezing.' That's why it's a cute, romantic fantasy...and not real life.

On other fronts, when I was not watching the stats tracker, I was writing and got in another three pages during the game. And the Ex sent me a really cute funny picture, which made me laugh. Oh, and I finally got around to the laundry today, as I did not get to pick up a shift at work because payroll at my work is sucking pretty hard right now, as well. It is nice however, to have all clean clothes and a clean room. I would rather have money, but hey, we are attempting to remain positive and pleasant in the face of adversity. I wrote a line in the new story which puts it in a good light, "Kid, while you’re breathing things are working out."

Rules Don't Stop Me

Spent the evening writing and watching We Are Scientists videos on YouTube. Some day....I will get a couple of there songs on ITunes...someday. This one is quick and catchy, a good intro...but if you like them 'I Don't Bite', 'Nobody Moves, Nobody Gets Hurt', 'Chick Lit' and 'Nice Guys' are also really very good too.

Decided to sell my body to science. No one else seems to really want it. Ha, ha. Registered for a study of some sort....I know this is never a great idea, but it seemed like as good a thing to sell as any. I feel like my dignity was either stolen or simply chose to vacate a while ago. I went looking for it, to try to sell it first, but it was just gone. Go figure. Sublime says, "Lovin' 's what I got..." but, in the selling of that, we have found that it is about as cheap as talk these days.

The Joke's On Me...

Yeah, so I was feeling not so great today. So, I trip over to the bestie's blog and she is having a pity party about one of her reoccurring issues --thanks for stealing my idea. It's like we have the same brain sometimes. Her's was kind of about the weight thing, which she has trouble with because of her hyperthyroidism, which is very understandable and completely frustrating when I seem to be doing very well and losing weight pretty easily. But, there is a big reason for that, and it was what I wanted to address today. I have problems with money. (Hence, it is not uncommon for me to go a day or two not eating because I can't afford food.)

Okay, so as noted in other blogs we have been kind of slinking by on what I make at this new retail position I have had since May. But, the issue being that I work almost the same hours as my sister but because she is getting nearly $5 an hour more than I am, and I am barely making it. Plus, even though I still make this meager wage, I am still paying half the rent and bills. I am not upset about that, whatever, I couldn't find a new place with the same space an amenities for less than what I am paying anyway. But, this is kind of hard to cope with when they have been able to not only fix their car but get a new one for T, while I am having problems buying a pack of cigarettes.

Also, kind of tried of struggling to make these payments then having nothing -and I mean nothing left for me. I got one new pair of $6 pants in the last three months. This check, in buying $45 worth of groceries and $30 in gas, I am totally tapped out. And it is not as though I live extravagantly. I don't go out to eat.  I don't do drugs. I don't go shopping anymore. I just spend quiet time in the house trying to be a cheap as possible. I even switched to a much cheaper brand of cigarettes as I know this is the one vice I do spend any money on at all. So, now I contemplate selling my stuff to make rent or calling the landlord to tell him I will be late. There is just no bones about this any longer, I need to go prostitute myself and get a better job. It is becoming impossible to simply live.

It seems to me to be absolutely ridiculous. Especially, when I did have a job that used to make me more than enough and was simple and I quit. I promised myself that I would NOT regret that, but damn, I have been thinking about it these last couple of days and it sure looks a lot like heaven right now. Fuck. So, once again to steal a song lyric to reflect life....yet again, I'm hustlin', I'm hustlin', I'm hustlin'.

Have It Easy

So, day off. Got up pretty late, but slept really well. That is definitely worth something to me as my sleep lately has been less than great. Worked out, took vitamins, had coffee and three donut holes for breakfast.

Got sister K out of bed and we finished the scrapbook today. It is a whopping 26 pages of color photos and neat papers that I am totally sure will make my mom just wet her pants at Christmas. Also, another thing to check off another list. It is nice to have it finished.

With that said, D is coming over this evening to hang out and do laundry. I have also given some thought to my fantasy line up and will make some roster moves probably tonight. Still could stand to sit down and do a bit more research on that one.

All in all a pretty simple day, but lots of relaxed, nice activities. Sorry the blog is not more exciting, but I felt like taking it easy today, so enjoy it easy.

For Little Piggies

I am so proud of my bestie, she lost 3lbs this last week and is doing really excellent on her plan to be more athletic. As I have mentioned several times I am still working on it as well. So, in an effort to find more foods that are 'diety' but still food, my sister and I decided to try some of that Greek yogurt that everyone keeps talking about. Now, the hype is that it is this really super good for you weightloss helper, but I've been doing this for quite some time and I will tell you straight up why it is is so great.

**Fun Fact: The equivelent of our Congress in Japan is called the Diet. So, if you were there and said you were going on a diet, people would think you were going to congress.

This stuff sits on your stomach like a brick. The consistency is different from regular yogurt so be aware --it is heavier, still smooth like yogurt, but heavier like putting a spoon into slighty warm tub of spreadable butter. It still tastes like yogurt, we tried the brand in the picture. K had the strawberry on the bottom and I had the plain mixed raspberry. Both were good, nothing too different when eating it. However, the big difference is that we had these at say 5-ish in the afternoon and were not hungry enough to even make dinner last night. It is filling. That is huge! Like we try all these diet foods that say they will fill you up and then they never do and it sucks. This stuff really does.

Plus, it is yogurt, the cultures in it help you digest so it is already pretty good for you. And for my vegitarian friends (non ovo-lacto variety) --and yes, I realize it is a milk product, this has nearly 25% of your daily protien in it. That is a big one when it is hard to sometimes get protien without meat. Still, I know, milk product. --On the downside, this did have a bunch of sugar in it, and no dietary fiber (so it could be off limits to people on WW points). Still, it is a good tool. I have a feeling if I worked this in as a snack at around 3 or 4 in the afternoon, I could probably skip having dinner altogether, if I had a sensible lunch. It may be a new thing. Also kind of a downer, this one is kind of expensive for yogurt. A single serving is nearly $1.50 where I live and a four pack of them was $5.00. So, there is that.

Also, I know no Greek, so I always end up adding another letter and calling it 'Oink-os', like it should have a little fat piggy on the label or something. Uh, oh, my American is showing, let me tuck that back up there so you can't see it.

Awesome-ville, Population Me, Baby.

So, I once again had trouble sleeping last night. When I say I had trouble, there were just so many things I wanted to be doing that sleep was way down on the list of priorities. But, good stuff, really good stuff today to wake up for.

So, last night the Ex-Bf ripped me the new Foster the People album 'Torches', and Holy Cow, it is awesome. I must say, I am an ITunes junkie because I got tired of buying whole albums then only liking about two songs on them. However, there are always exceptions to the rule and this album is entirely good. I like almost every song on it. So, I'm throwing one of my favorites up here on the blog today. Some of my other favorites were 'Life on the Nickel' and 'Miss You', but like I said the whole thing is good so buy it. I have been listening to it pretty much on repeat since noon today.

Also, got my team on my fantasy league. And really I am very satisfied with the auto draft. I got Tom Brady and picked up Mark Sanchez. Was not crazy about getting Plaxico Burress, but hey, he could do something positive for the Cowgirls this year, maybe. At least, it wasn't Puppy Smacking Michael Vick, so I was okay with that. Also picked up Roy Helu, he's an ex-husker playing for Washington, and had some good pre-season games. I am hopeful he will do good things. After making some quick adjustments, I was entirely satisfied and ready to go, now I just need to set my line up for up coming games. Do a little more light research, etc. Then start Kicking Ass.

I am in a super good mood and finally getting around to cleaning my room today. Decided not to work out today --I am becoming a little obsessive about it and needed a day of rest. It doesn't mean I'm not dancing my a$$ off while I pick things up and dust. The weather is friggin' perfect today. I have the window open and a lovely cool fall breeze is blowing in, really does life get much better? Nah, right now is perfect, why ruin it by thinking about it. I'm also switching out my summer stuff for the fall clothes, boots and scarves being aired out and ready for wearing. God, I love fall fashion. Can not wait. Cute fuzzy hats and cuter jackets, warm fuzzy rub-your-face-on-them cashmere sweaters. Welcome back.

Shake-That-A$$ Saturday

With the horrifying way I slept last night I was certain it had to be close to the full moon. Nope, first quarter coming up, so I must be getting a 'waxing' build up to the big moon. I am starting to feel like things are improving, whether they really are or not, I guess. Mood is in the general up swing. So, as I was weeding through my music, I stumbled across this one. Another old one. I worked out to it this morning. Needed to get inspired.

Per the last one I switched up the old workout --added crunches to my not crunchy midsection. Worked my arms out until they felt floppy like waving arms balloon guy outside the used car lot. And my a$$ hurts. I know it will be worth it. I also have drank two glasses of water already. So, that is on track. Against the wall, People, against the wall.

And because I could not sleep, I did fudge a little on the whole 'not looking around for dates' mantra I had set for myself. I took the initiative and e-mailed some guy. It wasn't even to get a date really, he has a cat and doesn't smoke -both of which tend to be deal breakers for a girl who is allergic and smokes like a factory chimney. Still, it is important to practice and he was nice to talk to for a while, kind of fun. We certainly did not have the conversational chemistry that I had with my recent Ex-Bf, but this dude liked football and what not. It was healthy to just engage in a little electronic flirting anyway. But, I'm not stupid, I would never ask a man to give up the kitty he currently has even for a brilliant, fun kitty like I have -that would be cruel, I know what it is to love a pet. Ah, C'est l'amour.

I am also teeth-chatteringly excited about my fantasy draft today. I can not wait to get my team so I can start doing some in-depth research and start planning a strategy. I had an ever so slight block on the writing last night, this one was not about plot conflict, I got to the scene where we are getting it on and those type of scenes take inspiration, imagination, and a lot of delicate work play --and last night I was a little too wound up myself to really give it the concentration it demands. And anyone who thinks that writing sex scenes is easy, I dare you to try it once or twice. It's almost the hardest (no pun intended) part. Other than trying to make it funny, interesting, and worth reading. I have also been doing more research into publishing and I have almost decided --it is between Lulu or CreateSpace. I simply now have to decide which one. So, advisement on either is always appreciated. Either way, I have given myself a deadline of December to see something in print. I can do this.

Charts Don't Lie, Do They?

First off, this one is for me, not for anyone else, just me. I know we all take things and personalize them, but I know some very beautiful women who are thinking I am talking about them and I am not. I found this and totally laughed. Yeah, I would eat it.

Really, it's about how I have lost like 40lbs since February so I was feeling pretty on top of the world tonight. I had to buy new pants because my old pants don't fit, they are just too big (these are the 10's). Which is a good thing, if I weren't incredibly poor right now. Still, it is exciting to have new pants and the size I needed went on 75% clearance at work so I got the last pair. Hooray. And they look good. I am very proud of myself. I commenced patting myself on the back heartily.

However, then I really jumped the fucking shark and decided to get on the healthy weight/height chart and do you know what?  I am STILL overweight. By about 23lbs. I have a BMI of 26.7. I was slightly shocked but for my height I am only ever supposed to weight 130lbs --ever. I couldn't believe it. Bye, bye good feelings about my weightloss. Hello, anxiety about ever being the right weight, welcome back, we missed you. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

Okay, fine. I will exercise twice as hard tomorrow.  I will work at work until I sweat like a disgusting pig. I will make sure my calorie intake is at least 500 to 700 calories less than what I would normally eat.  I will ingest more fibrous foods that I hate.  I will drink more water and try to get those 8 hrs of sleep in like I am supposed to. I will not celebrate a preemptive victory against the fat, just because it finally gave my neck back. This is not the end! It is the night we camp out in front of the castle we are going to take tomorrow. Nobody gives a shit if I'm a Medium now. I'm supposed to be a Small. I'm going to make it to the point where I love every picture taken of me, all of them. That skinny place where once again some dude can pick me up and fuck me against the wall, because I like that and I'm light.

I can do it. Yeah, Fuck Yeah, I can totally do it. Now, we're pumped. Grrrr.

Time In Scraps

Hey, People. Welcome to Friday. As usual, this means that I am working all weekend, so it is the start of a string of shifts. So while everyone else is making Labor day plans I am making....labor. It is kind of suckie, but hey, I wasn't doing anything else, I suppose.

Scrapbooking yesterday went really, really well. As we have been having difficulties making our schedules meet in order to actually do it. We spent from around 3pm to 8pm doing pages. K and I managed to get done a whopping 16 pages and really, they are spectacular. I think my mom will just wet her pants over it. We worked on her Christmas album the whole time and it looks as though we will have to add extra paged to the original twenty we were going to do. We dug through all of our old photos and things we had collected over the years so there is a lot of stuff to put in there. Really, scrapbooking may seem kind of lame, but if you remember how much fun you had in grade school cutting out and gluing things down --then you have a small amount of the joy and excitement of scrapbooking as an adult. It is creative and really makes you feel pretty warm and fuzzy.

We were also discussing how much Grandma would be jealous, so closer around November we will probably make another one for her too. Honestly, I like this one so much, I just keep flipping it open on the dinning room table and looking at it again and again as I walk by during the day. Now, after we finish the gift ones, K is working on her wedding scrapbook and I have a personal one that I need to put some pages in that I could work on, as well, so it may be kind of a long term hobby. I am glad that K has picked it up as a hobby, as hobbies are healthy and she needed one other that watching TV after work every night, in my humble opinion. We really enjoy hanging out together anyway and take creative changes from each other pretty well --which she generally does not take well from anyone. :)

Other than that, I only got another two pages done on the story last night, I wanted it to be more, but it just wasn't. Still plugging away on it and I think I may have come to terms with some of the plot angles I want to work in there. Now, it is just implementation of them. Also, as the last blog clearly points out, I am putting the whole dating thing on the back burner again. I don't need the stress and anxiety of it --maybe in a couple of months I'll get on one of the 'pay to play' sites as they seem to be more serious about the whole thing. I can't believe that it is September already, where did my summer go? And how did time get so damn fast, all of a sudden? I mean, when I was a kid I thought school would never end, things drug like nails on a chalkboard --now, I turn around lose whole seasons. It's bloody crazy.

Looking Harder

Here's one from the vault. I know I have probably posted it before. I suppose it really is my song, I stuck a flag in it and it is mine now. To me it has always had a special meaning, like what I'm looking for is right in front of me, but I don't see it --so I should remember to look harder, see deeper. I don't know, I feel a little foolish explaining it, but we all have those songs, don't we? This one is at least top five, on the list I could listen to for the rest of my life.

So, today, the list goes, scrapbooking, writing, laundry, sleeping. It should be a fun day. I am looking forward to almost everything, except laundry. Exercising went well, I worked a little longer with the ball on getting my arms toned and a little longer on getting the abs toned. Thinking of posting new pics on the ole dating website so all the lookists can see that 'curvy' means curvy, not overweight, which seems to be a big deal to all the over 300lb silver back gorillas looking for a date on that place. I really...and this comment is a repeat, as well,...do NOT understand how some incredibly lumpy, not that attractive dude has the brass ones to put in his profile that there must be 'physical attraction'. Sure, I'm attracted to hamburgers, but obviously not in the huge passionate loving way that you are, Buddy. It's just repellent.

Or, wait, wait, the I'm-not-over-my-Ex line of 'don't want no drama. So, if you're into drama don't e-mail me'. You know what? News flash, everybody has drama. Everyone has a weird family that causes them issues or just plain has mental issues like they are afraid of things sometimes --it is just how people work. It is. I don't know any one single person that does not have a bit of drama in their life. So you enjoy your alone time in front of the computer, asking out girls who are too attractive for you and not returning your e-mails because you are creepy, overly demanding, and lookist. Sheesh. I don't know why I even fucking try. It is really, really cheapening to the soul and probably the one thing that contradicts me when I say I am a happy person. Yuck, yuck, yuck. And no, I did not e-mail him back, in case you are wondering.