Halloween Pictorial

Big Chip, Little Chip

Devilishly fantastic

Irony is all around us, all we have to do is take pictures of it.

Rachel and Rowan

Roooaa-r-r-r-r-r-r!

I'll have one of these, and one of these, and one of these.....

Rowan and Kristen

Gimme that CANDY!

Great Friday Night

Okay, so at some things I may fail miserably. Right now this pertains to some personal things and to my fantasy football league, where after a horrific Ravens/Jags game I fell to sixth. I also got stood up this week and to put it lightly I am having 'problems at home'. All of this does not mean I had a bad week.

This weeks saviour and really one of the more positive things, has been my friendship with my Ex-BF. We went out on Tuesday night and had a really fun time. And yesterday when I e-mailed him and all but begged him to go out with me again on Friday night --he totally did. He listened to me blah, blah, blah about all my stupid problems and genuinely cared if I was okay. He even let me go over to his house and watched movies with me almost all night, even though he was packing for a trip this weekend, doing laundry, and probably had better things to do. What a sincerely good person. What a spectacularly great friend he is.

I had so much fun. OMG, so much fun. It totally made me forget all the crappy things that had gone on this week and remember that I had a good weekend coming up and that things would be okay. We watched the X-men Rifftrax, above is an except. It was really funny and we laughed and laughed. Then we watched a bunch of the shorts and they were totally hilarious. It was super nice to just sit together on the couch and laugh and laugh. I think he may qualify now as my best 'guy' friend. I've never had a guy friend. I always thought it was true that all they really wanted was in my pants. He doesn't, he just really enjoys talking to me and being around me --so at first I didn't really understand that. It's an entirely new thing. I think I really like it.

It solidified in my mind the fact that we would be friends. Even when I get a new boyfriend, even when he gets a new girlfriend. I'm going to be his friend. We will find the time to hang out. We will still do things together. It is a good thing, a fun thing. He is a great person and a really wonderful friend. He didn't even care that I wore sweatpants (I needed a comfortable night. I simply can't dress up all the damn time.) He really cheered me up and gave me a safe, good place to be when I needed a little bit of cover. I hope someday I can return the favor for him. It meant a lot that he did it, even though it might have been inconvenient.

You know, I thought once we broke up that I would just hate him like I hate my other Ex, just clear him from my mind. But, my other Ex was just not a good person, that was what was wrong with him and that is the biggest difference. I meant it when I said I loved him a few months ago, even now that has not wavered, but it has changed. There are all different kinds of loving. He has carved out his own new category of love from me. It is a pleasantly surprising thing to realize and I'm happy that he taught me it existed. F*ck that 'friend zone' bullshit, this is a really good thing and I'm glad we have it.

Life Bar at Full Again.

So, what did you do yesterday? Oh, me, yeah, it was the first night I have had no plans for a very long time so...when I got home I changed my clothes laid down and went to bed. That's right, I slept all night until this morning and I have to tell you, I feel pretty good about it. I feel well rested finally and like I might be back on track to do more things today. Sometimes you just need a night like that.

Not to mention that there was still a bunch of discord in my home so I wanted to stay out of the way. I'm not sure how that one will turn out, but we shall see. Tonight, when I get home, we will be tackling some cleaning that I have left for a while 'until I had time', which appears to be now. It's not going to be fun, but it does have to be done. And that is really about it. About to re-domesticate myself a little.

What I decide.

Okay, so what's been happening with me lately....work is going really well, still. I trained on the phones for reception yesterday. They will be fairly easy. The system is much older than any I have worked with previously, but it is simple and gets the job done. Work has been good for the most part. It is hard to believe that after this week I will have been there for a full month. Wow. Time flies when you job is simple and easy. It's refreshing.

Had a really lovely dinner and coffee with the Ex last night. He is also doing really well. Getting ready to transition from one job to another. He's a little bit more marketable than I am so he got the new place to pay for his parking downtown. It will be kind of fun to have him close down there. I think we will probably get to go out to lunch once in a while together which will also be fun. I am still debating about what I will do when the snow hits --as far as actually driving or having to take the bus (which is just plain boiling down to being cheaper.)

The roommates are in discord. My sister has been talking to her friend at work about divorce and she is really very dissatisfied with many of her husband's behavioural problems which have never changed over years and years and they still fight about them. I will always support my sister, but I don't know if divorce is the right option. But, I'm not in the relationship so I really have no say....mine is to stand back and support my sister. I guess we shall see what she does. It has been kind of tense here nonetheless.

On the 'dating' front, I got no less than eight (not an exaggeration here) e-mails begging for forgiveness from the random who stood me up on Monday night. So, I carefully considered everything and e-mailed him back with a stern condemnation of his actions and giving him one last chance. One, that's it. So, he is going to set something up....and it damn sure had better impress me. I have shaken off the initial self-doubts and anger about the whole thing. Sometimes timing sucks, sometimes horrible things happen that we cannot control. You have to roll with the punches. Being brave and strong is not easy, but it is achievable if you have the stamina for it --which luckily I do.

I am excited for Halloween this year, as I am going to dress up for work. I have not totally decided what the costume will be yet. It is between an Emo Kid and Poirot. Either costume will be fun, I just have to decide which would be more work appropriate. I will, of course, post pictures no matter what I decide.

Some Boys

Some boys....don't know how to show up to a date. Some boys....will never be getting in my pants because they stood me up and left me sitting alone in a bar for two hours and never showed up. Some boys made me cry even though I've never met them in person and gave them a bunch of chances to be a good person which they threw back in my face.

I, thus far understood that 'putting yourself out there' was hard, but I feel humiliated and stupid. He could have at least called and he did not. What a low-life. What a fucking scam. I am so tired of trying to please and trying to be nice and polite and....failing at this. Miserably failing at love of any kind. I am so...,just mad and sad about it at the same time. I'm hurt and angry. I hate all boys. They are inconsiderate, insensitive pricks. And I don't need them. Any of them. I'm just gonna be by myself, forever and ever. I'll get another dog to love because it can not escape and will love me because I feed it. Fuck all of it. I am sick and tired of trying to make sense of it anymore. I don't get it and I never will. My heart is a gaping. sticky wound in the center of my chest, sandpappered and scraped open by too much hoping and misplaced over-confidence. Time to duck-tape that fucker closed again.

Just music for now....

Good Advice

Okay, so the weekend went by incredibly quickly. There was some stuff on Friday that pissed me off, but we are back to our creamy smooth center once more.

The drive was windy and slightly exhausting, but nothing special. I always have a pretty good time if I'm taking a trip with K, she is good easy company and we have the same sense of humor which makes things a lot better. Plus the weather in general was really pretty darn sweet for October. Grandma had a nice time we hung out and went shopping and just generally were together. She is doing well. Sister A showed up because the laundry machines in her dorms broke, so it was nice to also have her there. We kept things low-key. Then came back today around 4pm. So, I still pretty much have my night to myself before the whole 'back to work' thing tomorrow.

Sometimes with the whole blog thing I like to pass on some good advice or what-not that was passed to me. Recently I got extremely over-stressed out and had a couple of days when I did not get enough sleep which brought on a bout of facial leprosy in my nose (a cold sore for the uninitiated to my blog). I hate them. HATE them. They hurt and look horrifying and I did nothing promiscuous or dirty to get them. Anyway, when it started to show, there was a lovely woman at my work who stopped me and said 'Have you tried L-lysine for your cold sore?' I was like, "Tried what?" She explained that she took a supplement for it and that it helped her immensely. Then, proving that some people really are just nice people, the next day she brought in a whole bottle of it and some info she had printed off the internet about it for me, without even being asked. So, I figured I had nothing really to lose and took some on Saturday. Now, I have tried a bunch of creams and supplements all of them either made it worse or didn't do anything. This stuff has made it nearly disappear in one day. I'm not kidding. So, I am passing it on. This works. I am taking it everyday now. And anyone who gets these should be taking it too. No joke.

So, I guess that is really a positive thing. I wanted other people to know. It is nice to be able to do something about it now, rather than just be habitually humiliated and embarrassed about my face for weeks at a time. I have a pretty face and I should be able to be proud of that.

Bad Dates

So, if anyone would like to remind me why I even fucking try to go on dates that would be most appreciated right now. I try and I try and I try and it never works out for me. Ever.

To quantify, I am writing this on less than 8 hrs sleep for the last three days, a little intoxicated, and extremely hormonal. I just don't get it. I don't. I have no real idea what is wrong with me that I am destined to be alone. I didn't even make it to a date tonight. This dude lead me on all week with sweet e-mails and giving me his phone number --but when I called tonight to set up a location which he would not settle on even though I asked five times, I got voicemail which made me feel stupid. He also asked if I ever get to Omaha, or would drive up there so we could meet. He provided no picture and the description, although okay, had some major physical flaws which I was willing to overlook for some ridiculous reason. I am so stupid. I'm going to tell him to f-right off, he lost out. Idiot f-caking boys.

FAC with the new co-workers was lame and I did not have a good time. It was boring and the people did not really want to talk to me. Next time I am not going, they can suck it, I have enough friends. Drinks were over-priced and people were fake. Once again I am wondering why I did not just come home and go to bed --or for god sakes why didn't I just do something fun with the Ex that I would have at the very least, enjoyed. I am mad about it as I wasted some very precious free time on hopes and wishes about new people and friends and dates that would have been better spent on sleeping.

And although neither of us really wants to now, I am still going to get in the car and go to my grandma's house with my sister this weekend which means little or no resting. I am bitter about all of it. I miss my best friend. I miss my Ex being my boyfriend. I miss feeling like things were easy. I am hoping with my last day at the old job being last Thursday, that things will start to calm and I will start to find some time for me or happier thoughts, at least, but tonight I wallow in it. Miserable, lonely and too tired to do anything about either of them. I'm going to get into my big empty, cold bed and pretend that I enjoy being the only one in it.

My body hates me....

So, things are moving forward....very slowly, but things are moving once more. Today I am going to focus on the fact that nothing really matters and just attempt to stay awake and look mildly interested in the world around me.

Last night at work was rough and we got out late, so sleep was only 4-ish hours or less. The body is howling it's protest all day and the immune system is pissed about having to work so hard so it let me know this by resurrecting it's favorite protest sign, called facial leprosy. What? You think we are going out on a date after two days of constant work and no sleep? F you, Buddy, enjoy trying to cover up that tumor on your nose with foundation. Oh, and we called the reproductive system and that whole area is going to be down for maintenance this next week, so also enjoy fighting tears while you're miserably exhausted. Perhaps you wll think twice about this schedule you are trying to keep this machine on. Oh, and your hair is going to do absolutely nothing for the next two days, so we can really teach you a lesson.

PS Yes, that dark spot under your eyes is an age spot of some kind, not a freckle like you keep thinking it is. We've been working on that one especially for you. Enjoy.

Rabbit Hearted Girl

I'm feeling kind of up in the air tonight. Slightly lost, mostly unsure. It's not a position I enjoy. Like a turtle on it's back all spinning around. It's frightening. Certainly there are things I am sure about, but right now, at this second, nothing is for sure. We have come to a certain fork in the road that, although anticipated on a map, when we reach it, it seems I can't decide, can't move, just look in either direction and stand very still.

So, while I am waiting, I was cleaning out my archives...and found some very bad poetry. Stream of consciousness kind of love poetry I wrote in July, when things were hot all over and I was feeling brilliant while intoxicated at 2AM. It is awful really, but it made me smile. Wanna read it? Well, too bad, I'm posting it anyway...I don't feel like writing out my confusion so the readership gets some sappy, overwrought love poetry to chew on. And it goes a little something like this.....

"I want to lick you with poetry, to scald your skin with rapacious light tongue strokes and open your body for my frenzy. I long to whisper sweetly against the hallows of your body, fidget violently upon you like a thousand stampeding spiders. I lust to send the soldiers of my fingers traipsing through the dense, barbed wired, no-man’s-land of your fighting soul. My knees buckle from the desire to lock about you, hold you like the vice of my very will to have you. For I am powerful and will lift you up, my broad back your throne, for my great strength was built by longing and slick dreams tied up in pretty pink bows."

Wow, thank God we don't consider ourselves a poet, right? Ha, ha. Boy, that is more than slightly terrible. Surprising I put fingers to keyboard sometimes, isn't it. Well, I'm going to bed --I have some ravishing days ahead and need the strength for tomorrow and the next day. So, at a crossroads we stand, head held high, prettier, smarter, funnier, and the rest we shall see on.

Sports Jinx

So, the story goes like this...on Friday night I was rather excitedly invited to hang out at ye ole sports bar to watch the last race of the Indy car season, by my Indy car racing fan Ex. I gleefully accepted as all of my fantasy games would be playing, no doubt.

He also mentioned and I love this...that his mother has psychic winning abilities to help the Huskers win games and then explained how she uses her powers for only good and to help the Huskers win, which I absolutely love. I kind of wished I had psychic powers that would help out my teams as they certainly seem to need it this year. However, I don't know if I mentioned back to him that my mother has the power of sports jinx. She watches a Husker game and we will lose, that is just how it is, how it has always been. Lately, she has not had that effect so we have all assumed that her sports jinx simply went away with age ---but, this is not true. It has simply been passed down I think...possibly to me.

Now how could I, in good conscience come up with something like that? Well, I watched the Redskins/Eagles game today. I rooted for the Redskins and they lost. I watched part of the Patriots/Cowgirls game --and watched screaming as TBrady threw a heinous interception right in front of me. And as if to really hammer this home. I was watching the Izod Indy 200 today. If you have not heard, in lap 12 there was a 15 car pile up with crashing and flying cars and the winner of the Indianapolis 500, Dan Wheldon, who was one of the Ex's favorites judging by how he spoke of him, died in the hospital after the crash. They black flagged the race. K said he had never seen a crash that bad. It was awful. Terrible.

But, was it me? Have I become a sports pariah? I hope not, but the signs are there. I will have to make sure the TV is off for the next Husker game. I will only watch the statstracker and not the games on my fantasy league play. I will not even glance at people in the park playing frisbee golf. I swear, I will make sure everyone is safe from my sports jinx --no more loss of life is necessary to convince me. I will however make sure to watch some Michigan games (not against Nebraska) as the mailroom guy I work with is a die-hard Wolverine's fan and I would like to shut him up once in a while. Also, after I stopped watching the Patriots game, TBrady came back and threw for another TD so they did win, thank God.

The Friendship Tango

Ah, symphony night. Magnificent and fun. When I got off work I rushed over to D's house and got ready. I was a little colder than what I thought so I was a little colder than I thought I would be. Had a nice quick dinner, the Ex seemed distracted, come to find out he is also about as tired as I am. We make light jokes about falling asleep during the concert.

The concert starts and there is a very clear snoring that can be heard from about seven rows back from us. I can not help it, I look at him and have to cover my mouth because I cannot stifle a good laugh. That poor fellow slept the entire concert. Our seats were great and the show was wonderful. After the performance I would have to say I really enjoyed Vivaldi's Winter best, but as I think more on it, the Piazzolla stuff was just as good and interesting. Hence the tango on the blog. However, as Lincoln, NE gives a standing "O" to anything above average, when we all stood for the standing "O" and I turned around to take my seat once more, the spring-loaded death trap of a chair caught the back of my dress and gave anyone behind me quite a different type of show. Different type of standing "O", entirely. Good thing I had on brand new lacy panties (in a small, now mind you). At least, it was a sexy show I suppose. I laugh now, but I was mortified. Anyway, they are doing 'One Thousand And One Nights' in Nov and I have invited the Ex to go again. Probably going to wear a turtle neck and slacks to that one to avoid another wardrobe malfunction.

Afterwards, he suggested coffee, but I was cold and had had the approximate of five pots of coffee to make it through the day so I was not feeling it. So, I suggested a drink. Took him to Jake's. Had two small cigars and a honey Bourbon. We talked and hung out. It was fun. The bar was packed, but it was fun. I am trying very hard to make this friends thing work out. I don't really have that many (I mean any) male friends. I suppose I simply cordon them off into --yes, date and no, date --then pretty much treat them accordingly. But, I am getting better at it. I really am. We had fun. Nice platonic fun. I am meeting him on Sunday for bar food. We are headed to a sports bar. It is the last Indy car race of the season and I figured I could watch a couple of my games that will be on. Plus greasy bar food. Onion rings, nachos, cheese sticks, fried mushrooms and veggies --all that good stuff.

Today, I am doing laundry, working out, playing on the internet, playing with the dog, and just relaxing. It is going really well and I am happy to have a weekend again. The new job is still awesome, btw. :)

tired

So, yeah, I'm so tired I can barely move. My eyes are fuzzy behind my contacts and even the coffee is turning my stomach this morning. My wind-up key has run completely down --even typing is kind of difficult.

I went in to job #2 yesterday and tried to talk to someone about a leave of absence last night and was told it could only be used for 'educational' purposes --not if you got another job and that basically I had until the end of the night to decide if I wanted to put in my two weeks. Well, the decision had pretty much been made for me than....so yeah, I put in my two weeks and told them the last day I was available to work was before that weekend I had requested off to see my Grandma (that they had incidentally scheduled me for anyway). Really, just f-that place right in it's ear. I had tried working with them and working with them and they made it nearly impossible to stay. I would update my availability and they would not even look at it and schedule me the way they wanted. Well, too damn bad. No, I will not let you ride me. No, I do not want to work Black Friday, at all. You didn't pay me enough to live, so I had to go get a new job. And finally, you did not give me any hours when I asked for them and had a totally open availability ---you chose to wait until I told you I could not take those hours to put me on the schedule. There is also little or no room to move up and it is clique-y and terrible to work here some nights. So, there. Suck on that one.

Anyway, gotta get going on the day.

Survival Mode

So, cheaps and peeps, survival mode begins now. I need to get as much sleep as possible tonight as I am busting out another double work day tomorrow. I keep telling myself that it will either A). get easier. or B) I will finally get around to talking about an LOA with work #2. Neither of which has yet happened. I swear when  I was thinking about it this last weekend it was like every HR person in the whole store had disappeared.

Got my ID badge today for new work and the day there, as usual, was good and low stress. I am very hopeful that I will be able to make it through, as the casualty will be that I fall asleep at the symphony on Friday night -and even with the recent weight loss I am not sure the Ex will be able to carry me out, as he is just too skinny for that sort of thing. But, I can sleep when I'm dead, so I am now trying to prep things that will make my day easier tomorrow and get them going.

Lay out two outfits, one for work #1 and one for the quick change I get to do at 4:30p for job #2.  I will be parking in the garage so I can get out quicker, although for the last two days I did manage to find and have a spot back in the free parking neighborhood area and that has been working out okay even if I have to get up about a half hour earlier. Pre-pack lunch, snacks, and dinner. Research weather for tomorrow. Make decision about what I am wearing to the symphony so I can pack that to change after work on Friday. Still not happy about dress, but can't seem to find neither the time nor money to do anything about it now. It is also worth mentioning that every second from now until Friday after the concert has been mercilessly planned and accounted for --did you know that I have allotted exactly 5.5hrs of sleep on Thursday night? And that is if we get out at midnight from job #2, which is sometimes questionable. Carrying tickets in my purse so I don't lose them. Wrote out checks for bills so they can be delivered in my absence on Friday during the day.

K has the audacity to have the day off tomorrow. I just know she is going to be lounging on the couch in her pajamas all day while I am prostrating myself to the evil gods of work. I am starting to get a little worried. It is really not great for me to keep pushing and pushing myself like this. Luckily, I do have a real weekend to follow that up -so maybe on Saturday I will schedule in some sleep. Or do more laundry than just my work stuff, hurriedly throw in and removed half wet so I can put that shit back on and go. I have a feeling that the roommates will want me to do some of the housework I have been putting off --like doing the dreaded dishes. Suck. I would totally rather pull a double shift than do the dishes.

However, the blog is the only thing I've written in two weeks and that is worrisome, and I have not been able to find time for a full workout since this last Monday. Dating is also firmly on hold right now --although, if I had a partner I'm not sure I would have to work as hard as I am working, so with a good reason like that it may resurrect as an activity fairly soon. We must not fall into old habits of giving work everything and me nothing. It doesn't fucking work like that anymore. Well, I mean, it is working like that right now, but not for much longer, I swear.

Day Off Thoughts

Oh, I am so grateful for a day off, finally. Some time to recuperate and regroup before once again hitting it hard at work. Actually. By some fluke of nature I got someone to take my shift on Saturday and this means I will have a real weekend.

The power went out at work last night so no one got to clock out. So, today, I have to go in sometime and re-do my punch so it doesn't f-up payroll too much this week. Which is inconvenient, but I needed to go in and talk to someone about maybe taking an LOA, leave of absence for a bit while I get on my schedule at the new #1 job.

After the first week the assessment of new job is very, very good. I actually am looking forward to it. Which is rare and kind of neat. I am also terribly excited for the symphony on Friday night. It is 'The Four Seasons' and I got pretty good tickets. I mean I think they are good tickets, they are pretty close to the stage actually, but maybe with the symphony that is not the best thing. Who knows, it's kind of an experiment. If they suck, then next time I will get seats farther away. I got a new dress, super cheap from work last night. But, now I have doubts about it's appropriateness. It is simple, but a little, like maybe two inches, shorter than I usually wear. I have some nice toned legs, perhaps I should show them off a little.

Also, tentatively positive thing, I got a super cute e-mail from a guy on the dating website. I have some real doubts about his legitimacy, but it has been fun to talk to him for the last couple of days. This one is kind of strange because it is someone who is not local. He is really far away actually, so I have a feeling it would be a long distance thing, if it pans out to be anything at all. Still, it is fun and makes me somewhat hopeful that it could be something. He seems pretty genuine, sincere, but it is pretty early. Hmmm, still positive enough to mention I suppose. It makes me give a glance over my shoulder at the Ex, who will be accompanying me to the symphony on Friday. Should I wait for you or just move on down the road.....Why do I feel guilty about this? He broke up with me, right? He's just a 'friend' now, we have settled on that. So, why do I feel strange about it still. On a positive note, it is only a mild feeling of guilt, like indigestion rather than full on queasiness. Any advice on quelling overly-girlie emotional conflicts would be nice about now.

Good Person

So, back in the day, back in high school there was a girl in my class of 16 people who I really did admire. Her name was Verda and she was nice to everyone. It didn't matter if you were popular or unpopular, smart or stupid, short or tall, she was nice to you. She took the time to be kind to kids and old people and never had a bad thing to say about anyone. I liked her because she was nice to me. I was awkward and strove constantly just to make friends. --She would later tell me that she admired me because I was always 'me' even when it was not cool. She said I was unique and that made me special. We remain friends, although I have not talked to her in way too long a time.

Sometimes the lessons we learn from these experiences stick with us. I always thought that her being nice to everyone really made her a good person, so I strive even now to take that and make myself better. I think I may have done that last night at work.

There is a kid there, about 20, really awkward, just moved to town about two months ago, and everyone at work kind of makes fun of him. For purposes of the blog we will refer to him as 'AD'. When he moved here he moved with his girlfriend of 3yrs, but she had problems adjusting to the new place and basically walked out on him last night before work saying, 'I'm just not sure about how I feel about you anymore.' Now, he was not dealing very well and looking for a female prospective on the situation so he asked me what he should do. So, I laid it out for him. And it was painful. I was looking at me when R walked out --the desperation, the questions (What did I do? What can I do to get them to come back? Why?), the heartache. All of it I understood all too well. So, we talked and I think I said some good things that resonated with him, but I know it's just talk, it never changes how you feel, dying slowly, questioning yourself. Poor guy.

It was only later as the rest of the team came over and started talking about it, making fun of him and avoiding him because they didn't care and didn't want to listen, that I realized not everyone is a good person. I genuinely did care, so I walked away, found other things to do away from them because I was disgusted. Everyone deserves compassion when they are hurting, no matter who they are --what was wrong with these people? It made me think about the night right after my break-up in August when I came in less than okay --and how fake some people are. So, before I left, I made sure AD had my e-mail just in case he needed to talk, because he was headed back to an empty house with nothing better to do than obsess and hurt. Because I'm a good person. Because I know the right thing to do and do it because I should and can. We can all do this, look around you, be kind even when it is inconvenient or hard --because you will need that someday. It's the right thing, the good thing.

I also gave someone else a ride home, because it was midnight and raining, in a car that barely works anyway, even though her house is two miles out of my way, because I'm a good person and I was on a roll. :)

Shake It Out

So, this is the band I am currently obsessed with this week. Ha, ha, yeah, this week, I said it. My musical tastes jump around so much they can be hard for even me to keep track of sometimes. I am also going to the symphony next week, on Friday, with the Ex.

He is kind of a quandary these days. So, after squarely relegating him to the 'friend zone', the last couple times going out with him --he has acted like a better boyfriend than he did when he was my BF. He shows up early. This is huge as he was late kind of a lot and this was a point of contention to me. Really, now you choose to be early and show that I am worth the time? Was I maybe working too hard to have him like me when I liked him? Who knows on that one. Conversation is still easy and good, he's fun and funny. I really enjoy being around him. We really don't pretend we like the things that the other does just because we want to impress each other. We genuinely like some of the same damn things. We are good together and expand each other's tastes. Maybe we really are good friends? Hmmm. I'm still not sure on that one.

Although over the relationship, I do still occasionally find myself wishing he would just reach over and touch me once in a while. I still continue to blatantly ignore the hot guy who comes outside the coffee shop and sits directly behind the Ex so he can make eyes at me....because I'm with my Ex-man, Loser, so stop staring at me because I'm gorgeous. But, this leads to some bitterness when hot guy shoves off because I refuse to make eyes at him back and have been focused squarely on my friend Ex-BF. This makes me feel unappreciated and frustrated, which makes me make a catty comment about how I gave up my writing time to hang out with him (nudge, nudge aka "Hey, Stupid, this girl still likes you.You're important to her. She wants to give you that second chance.") and he ignores it, then ends the outing at an early 9:30p (probably so I can go write...which I'm obviously not doing). I have given up on analyzing this discourse. I see things that are never there. I should have paused the conversation and gone over and given my number to hot guy. That is just that and everyone knows it. Sigh.

Hmmm, maybe next time that's exactly what I'll do. I expressed that I would focus a little more on the dating thing and the bestie advises that I should just approach a boy if I like him, so maybe I totally will. You have to be brave to live in the brave new world, right? Prettier, Smarter, Funnier...and much less single. Say it with me, People, it's my new mantra. Florence says it pretty well in the song, "I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't, so here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope." Makes sense. Time to try something new and hope it works out.

Prettier, Smarter, Funnier, much less Single

I was looking around for inspiration and found it on you tube. So, here, be inspired too. Today's a new day. I know the song is a little 'Jesus-y', but my grandma said I need to be grateful since he did listen to me about the new job, and it is good manners, of course. It's not just me, check this out (there is a girl in there that actually says 'good dating material' it really hit home for me): http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/reluctant-slackers-economy-leads-young-americans-put-adulthood-202742832.html

I've been feeling a little exhausted. Have put on three pounds since Monday, which has been absolutely crushing me. I am afraid with the new office job that I will get fat again. I can't go back...there is no going back. I even had to skip working out on Tuesday because I was working 16 hrs, then got 5 hrs of sleep and did another 8 hrs on Wednesday. I feel it is a valid excuse, however, my fat cells took the opportunity to re-group and attack again. It really did not help my mood. Now I feel puffy. Great Puffy.

So, we are going to work out hardcore this weekend. I will be working at the old bullseye both nights so hopefully the constant movement will restart the metabolism. Can't say I'm excited about it, but the new job certainly let's me not give a sh*t like everyone else working there, which is kind of refreshing. I am once again having dinner with the Ex on Friday night. Should be fun. He also had an interview this week and was offered a new job, although not sure he's going to take it, I guess. I hope he does, he has nothing but bad stuff to say about the current job he works and maybe he'd be happier --but then again, what the hell do I know about making him happier.  Nothing obviously. --This is another point of exhausted discontent for me this week, a bit, if you couldn't tell.

The whole dating thing is so hot and cold/ on and off. This week I talked to a few guys, all of it lead to....going out on Friday with the Ex. Not that they were bad, they were just not 'right'. It's hard to describe, even for a writer. I once again tire slightly of putting myself out there all the time. Mr. Right, come get me God damn it. I am sick to death of waiting around looking gorgeous, being smart and charming all the time. Where is my cuddle on the couch? Where is my 'Baby, I thought about you all day'? Where is my 'Hey, welcome home. I missed you'? Huh? I've been really patient and really good. I want it. There are great things about being single. Really, there are. But, I miss, not simply the passion and excitement of being in love, I miss the comfort of another human being occasionally. When I have a bad day, there is no one at home to hug me, tell me everything will be alright, that they are proud of me and love me. This is not to say I am not grateful for my family and friends who support me, always, in great ways, but if you have a partner...you know what I'm talking about. I want it back, so I'm gonna work on it until I get it. I'm gonna get it back.

So, smile, that's what I'm doing. Getting up and making every second count for something more. I can do it. So, in the tradition of  Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger....I'm gonna be Prettier, Smarter, Funnier, much less Single. Just f*cking watch me.

Working 2 Live Or Living 2 Work

God, now I have nothing interesting for my blogs. All I have been bloody doing is going to work --literally, that's it. I don't even get to look forward to the weekend, as I simply go to another job on Saturday and Sunday. Also, as this is just the start I also am seeing none of the benefits right now, such as, oh, I don't know, money.

I also put in to have one day off for the conference I'm going to with D and A next month and they freaked out. The HR lady actually told me that I should have mentioned I needed this day off...in the interview. What the hell? Really? Then when I told her it was an anime conference she suggested that I not tell anyone that as it would be denied as a frivolous activity. So, now new work gets to judge why I am asking for time off? Gheesh. I should have just called in sick that day and not told them anything. They sure say they want you to be honest, but if it is not an activity they think is 'worthy' of time off they certainly are quick to judge. Crazy.

And that is just one of the new interesting things about this job. There are a great many. But, really, I need to get into bed and stop blogging late night. I came home and napped from like 5p to 10p so I felt like it would be okay to get back up and do some things I had been putting off. One of the very cool things to mention is that if I get my paperwork in tomorrow, my benefits should kick in Nov 1st, so I can set up a dental appointment shortly after that --hopefully, not have to take any time off for it, too. Need to find a dentist that takes appointment at 5:30. Perfect teeth, here we come.

Crash and Burn

How do the kids do it? I am exhausted...tell you about it tomorrow. Enjoy a little party music to get you through the day. I can not wait to come home and crash out tonight. :)

First DAY!

I can take no credit for the picture, the Ex sent this one to me to wish me luck on my first day at the new job. Damn, Evil Lassie is awesome.

So, the first day, be it all the lucky wishes or not, was super great. Training was a bit fast, but there was a lot of hands on and if I can remember everything it should be great again tomorrow. I feel like once I get it down it is going to be very, very easy. Not like easy like Ke$ha, but totally easy, like your mom.

The only issue at all was parking and I parked in the garage so I didn't have to worry about my car today which cost me $8. So, I got $8 worth of peace of mind -that is the going rate these days, in case you were wondering. It is also, absolutely apparent that (although my job #2 makes me feel incredibly old as I am surrounded by high school kids) I am the most attractive girl, hands down, at job #1. It's like all these women aren't even trying anymore. It was almost comical, that every single attractive guy found an excuse to be in the mailroom today --the scanning lady even made a joke about it. Really flattering and sort of fun. Who am I kidding, I am an attention whore and I loved every second of it. Plus, everyone in that office jokes around and is very cool to one another (at least, from what I saw today).

Also, had a blast from the past show up, there is another Dell expatriate there (Iyrina) in our IT department. She showed me where to smoke on breaks and was super nice to me --which was a little beneath her at our other job --and kind of refreshing. I can't explain it, but as a first impression goes, it is going to be a very fun job and for now, even kind of relaxing comparatively to my job #2 and my old jobs. So, I really like it. About four of the old boys, including the department head, came in for the last half hour and just chatted about the Wisconsin game, which was also fun. I guess we shall see how things go tomorrow, maybe give it a week, before I come out all 'this is the best job ever', but I'm hopeful. :)

I Can Do This...

Okay, so I closed and worked really hard to get out early tonight, as tomorrow begins my new #1 job. I am excited, but I have no idea about parking or anything, so yeah, I am nervous. I am supposed to show up at 8am. The HR lady will not be there so most of my orientation stuff with be with the department head instead.  I am nervous and did not have time to find the perfect business casual walking-all-the-time shoes, so I am making due with putting my insoles into a pair of cute black flats and hoping they don't tear my feet up too very badly. I have no idea how far I will have to walk to get to the building as this is now downtown parking and I have no clue if I will be blocks from the building or have to do all the mail walking around stuff immediately.

It does not help that I am tired already. I pre-planned the outfit, so it is simple and would work for just about anything. Simple --black fitted shirt, black pants, and black flats. I plan to dress it up with a cute scarf and not go too heavy on the make-up or perfume. K says I should 'remember what I sold them' in the interview and present something like that. Which seems reasonable. I am really glad I picked up more of that clinical deodorant, it helps alot with not smelling like a rhino even if I move around for eight hours. I also will need to take D to Walmart after work, and did work it out so that I don't have to report to #2 job until 5:30pm on Tuesday night for another closing shift. I can't believe people do this all the time. Working two jobs is gonna blow.

I also lost my first fantasy match-up. It helps (very little) that it was to my bestie and that her QB had a phenomenal game earning 46 pts, himself. I had two players that I had on the bench who should have been in the game so, there were reasons for it, but it still upsets one to lose at anything. I take comfort that in her other league she is not doing super hot. I hate being number 2. Anyway, I need to get to bed so I can get up early have some coffee and breakfast so the first day of new job is good. Need fuel for the machine and rest to run updates and heal from my other job.

Things I Wished I Had Found

I love this you tube vlog, I guess it is. I found one of them a while ago and indeed wished I had found all of the great songs myself, so I subscribed to it. This is the one most recent and yes, once again, I like almost every song on it. Thank you, whoever you are that puts this up, for expanding my tastes all the time. I really appreciate it. Honestly, I do. So, free publicity for things I like all around. Also, check out this one: http://youtu.be/98XRKr19jIE

Enjoy, the music is good. Life is pretty sweet.

So, with one of my last free days in the next two weeks, today I take it easy, make it easy. I'm gonna do some light laundry, clean the room a bit, bathe in a lounging fashion, paint my nails, and have coffee late night with a friend. I have my roster set --even though I am projected to lose the match-up. I still have hope some of them could have really excellent games and I could pull through. My confidence on this one is based mostly on dumb luck, not numbers. Oh, well. I had some pumpkin spice coffee this morning to try to quell my desire to stop by Starbucks and get a latte. It was good and did the trick. I also got some pumpkin pie poptarts which I will be trying for breakfast as a little treat this week. God, I love fall --the return of the great pumpkin. And it's full of fiber so very good for me, right? Hee, hee.

Oh, and a new one on the dating frontier, stumbled across a really nice guy who is terribly interesting, his big flaw is that he is coming off a heinous divorce with a girl who looks (according to him) just like me. Hooray. Still, it made me laugh and laugh. And he was very fun to talk with for awhile. He lives in Omaha so little chance of anything happening, but it is important to report the positive happenings along with the bad stuff. I tried to convey, as someone who was quite broken after a long relationship, that when we look at people we must not see that person we used to love, but see instead the person we will love. Love forward, looking back is ridiculous. It is a great sentiment to preach, now I suppose I should put it into practice. ha, ha. Anyway, it is great day and will continue to be. I am looking forward to it and many things.