Brain Babies

With the usual run around that my period causes me I have been doing some really hard thinking about an issue I loathe thinking or talking about. Kids. I decided back a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away that I didn't want them. Not at all. Why should I really, they take up all of your time and money and energy so that later down the road they can blame you for all the problems they had. Plus, they smell funny and are mostly sticky all the time. It was a perfectly logical conclusion. I had partying and drinking to do anyway, at that time, so I really focused on that.

However, after hitting 30-ish. I reexamined this. I found that I would indeed be susceptible to the idea. I had been a really good dog mom, maybe I wouldn't be a half bad human mom. So, I stopped and looked around and suddenly everyone was taken. Well, I certainly didn't want to do this thing without anyone to help me. I mean I could do it by myself, but this was something I would definitely need a partner for. However, all the candidates turned out to need more mothering than a baby ever would so I flip-flopped back to a solid 'no'.

But, it crept back in slowly, in strange ways. Like I stopped in the middle of the mall and looked at one of those window displays with the whole baby's room all set up inside and thought, 'yeah, my baby's room should look just like that. I like that.' Wait, what?! What the hell was I thinking?! Then for about two weeks yahoo news had nothing on it but articles about fertility and conception. Did you know that after 35 I will only produce 1 to 2 viable eggs anymore? There is a set amount of those things in there and when you don't make anymore --that's it, you don't make them anymore. It really scared the crap out of me. I always felt like I had plenty of time to decide about this. That it would be a relaxed decision. Now, it seems like I am the president paused nervously above the nuclear war button. 'I mean sure, they said it would work if I pushed it, but what if the equipment is too old and it fails if I don't do something now.' Not to mention that while this was going on I felt like I was in a good relationship with someone who might, just maybe, make for good 'daddy' material. Although, not to worry, I used all of my female bag of tricks to scare the crap out of him and send him running.

Oddly, the feeling has not simply abated as I would have hoped. I find myself contemplating it a lot more than I ever really want to. I am not scared to be alone. I like being alone. But, what if I never get a chance to be someone's mom? What if I am supposed to be really good at that --and I don't ever get to try because I over-thought it? I'm even upset I have to think about it again. I mean, fear is a stinky motivator and I really want this to have no bearing on trying to find someone to love me. It's hard enough on it's own, trust me. So, adding what seems to be a ridiculous biological time bomb to it is simply moronic and will lead to irrational, stupid decisions. I am well aware of this, but it doesn't really help -awareness is great, but I'm not sure how much it will help.

Oh, and I did get that new job! They just called. Now, I'm even more attractive as I will be making enough to be a good dating prospect and have the insurance to get those teeth fixed. I'm gonna go on-line and see if there is a way to freeze your own eggs at home.