Keeping My Mouth Shut

Okay, so I had a wonderful lunch with a friend from my old work yesterday. In discussing some of my romantic frustrations she made a very good point. Now, I am not certain if my boyfriend reads this bloody blog or not, he has never mentioned it and really I saw it as a positive thing because this blog is a lot like my secret diary so I assumed it would be helpful if he knew what I was thinking or needing or whatever.

The point my friend so delicately reminded me of was that if he did read the blog, this could be the exact reason I am getting nothing physical, like he might be afraid I would smear any sexual experience we had together, good or otherwise, all over my blog. And although we would all love to see in print that we are excellent lovers with massive prowess and the ability to get our partners to come with our practiced flirtatious winking –most of the time we all feel a little inadequate with our clothes off. (Although, I, personally take my shirt off and wonder why I do not have thousands of worshippers and my own TV series. Not everyone has Wonder Twin powers like me).  

So, even though I will continue to blog about how it is going and very general things regarding my new and exciting relationship with this ever interesting and clever animal known as the male of my species, I will NOT be discussing –anything that may occur behind closed doors or in the backseats of Hondas or the easy to have sex in bathrooms @ Barrymores. It will simply not be happening.

And much like a monologue-ing villain (and yes, I know, I know, when I went back and read it again even I was a little frightened), I will not be giving away anymore ‘super great plans’ that read like excerpts from rape scenes from ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’. Although, if I buy more lingerie I will be talking about that and maybe even posting pictures –that falls squarely into the category of fashion and clothing, not imminent sex, as I wear fancy underwear all the time. Got it, not sexy, and that’s final.

Boy, I genuinely hope that is the reason, that I haven’t f-ed things up too badly being my usual loud mouthed self. And just in case, my grandma always says you should ask for help from Jesus, so we'll see if this works.

Dear Awesome Jesus,

Hey, I know you are totally busy with people who have real problems, but I was wondering if you didn’t have anything better to do, if you might show up on my next date. I have kind been feeling like I’m failing here and could use a good wingman. You can wear that awesome tuxedo t-shirt. You know, just a little “Oh, hey, this is my buddy Jesus, we’re tight.” And you can be like, “Yeah, we are super tight. This girl’s awesome.” I would kind of like this to work out, if for no other reason it would really stick it to those bitches that wrote The Rules who say that my relationship is doomed to fail because I asked him out. Yeah, I know, ridiculous. Anyway, thanks bunches—you know, for everything. I know you are probably still doing that whole ‘water into wine’ thing, but if you show, I’ll buy you a beer, or a coffee, in case you’re driving. Amen.