Nothing In My Way

Okay, so this one has been playing on repeat pretty much all day. The bestie let me have it from her flash drive when we hung out this weekend. And I had a nice busy week last week/weekend. I went to a concert with my roommates and the Ex and it was magnificent and fun. I went shopping with the Bestie and got some new jeans and went down to a size 8 -breaking the double digit jean size I have worn for nearly fifteen years. Plus, I had a date on Thursday and a date on Sunday...with the new boy, S. I was terribly excited about him...but, well there is a reason for the stupid song making horrible sense to me today.

So, Thursday I boned him. I'm not sure why I just jumped right in. I'm like that, a constant leap-without-looking type, feet first into danger. And it was great. I'm not saying I didn't fake it, because I've been faking it so long I'm not sure I even know the difference anymore, but I get that intense sense of accomplishment when they hit the mark. I did well. I did that because I'm amazing. So, it was satisfying. Don't worry about it, I can wait for mine....So, then I went over on Sunday night and it happened again. It was good, but not as good and still didn't get mine. But, it's forgivable, he smells great and it big and tall like I like'em, so there will be a next time. Right? Nope.

An hour after I get home and go to bed, he e-mails me and gives me every lame excuse possible about why it won't work. So, I answer back with my usual bravado. I don't really care, you totally didn't hurt me or anything, enjoy your life, blah, blah, blah. Shit, it's almost a form letter template at this point. For almost the whole day at work I keep it together, but I'm sad, really sad. I'm exhausted from trying to keep up and absolutely disappointed with my results on this one. Plus, there is a lonely echo throbbing through the cavern of my turned-off brain that sounds a lot like, "What if there really is no one out there to love you?"

I am weary of the constant lying, the blustery show with no strength or honor behind it. I am exhausted from looking up from battle and seeing all the princesses standing there waving at their knights. I want to be the princess for a while. And another thing, I'm not sure I learned anything from this one...that's how bland he was, even a dating scientist could not glean anything useful from him. I paid for dinner on both dates. I drove on the icy roads in the middle of the night to see him. I brought the movies. I initiated any messing around we ever did. Fuck that shit, all it does is convince them you'd be a great 'friend' or that you are too insecure to really be demanding. Next time he pays, he makes the moves, he drives to see me, he brings the entertainment. Maybe guys really just want some beautiful girl to treat them like crap --that seems to be the message I'm getting. So be it, no more Miss Nice Girl.