I am a little less than happy to have to post this one. However, sometimes things are simply necessary not pleasant and this is one of those things. So, in the spirit of wanting something we just can't have. I tested a theory this weekend. It needed tested. I'm a Dating Scientist and no one and I mean no one is safe from that. So, that is the ominous set up for a rather anticlimactic story.
You know when things are quiet...like too quiet. Well, things in the kingdom of the Nerd Prince were peaceful and quiet. I've been blogging for months about how much I liked him as a wonderful strong constant in my less than spectacular dating life. With the graveyard of possible dating candidates rising up under my feet I decided to try to climb to higher ground. I gave it some real thought too because although I make the Nerd Prince out to be a bloody saint --he really is not. He has huge flaws just like every other guy on the planet and I had to reexamine if I was cool with accepting those. Things about him that would never change or that I could not change. After some deep thoughts about it, I decided I could handle them. I had even decided to possibly change myself to be a bit more of what he might like. I can do that. Then I made a plan.
On Friday night I implement this plan. I set myself out like a beautiful, drunken banquet, a consequence free tryst...if he wanted it, certainly the approach was wide open. And in this lies the despair of it, for the third and final time, he did not want it, did not want me. Now, there was a 50% chance of a "no", but it was still not entirely anticipated. Really, can one ever truly prepare for rejection? He did it in the sweetest way possible (which is rather his trademark, I'm afraid), but the message was very plain. You go your way and I'm going mine, without you. Ahhh, I see. I understand, but I don't have to like it. This does not mean we are not going to see each other, it doesn't even mean that we aren't friends anymore, we still are, but it does mean there will be no more flirting and about as much chance of a romantic rekindling as I have of winning the lottery. It means the metaphorical door is closed and shall remain so....so I had better start hunting outside of his castle to find some kind of home.
I long desperately for a home. Someplace I can walk into and set down this pulverized mush that is what is left of my heart and feel complete. I would also like to mention that Mr. English is so into me that he has not answered either e-mail or text since Tuesday. I was thinking of breaking up with him, but really I think we shall just stop talking and whatever "something special" we had bleed out into the ether. Wow, such interest. I must have stomped too hard upon the ground as the clattering skeletons of former lovers have stopped asking to rattle my bones. Which, just to be clear, only adds to my current black mood. There is no hope to cling to, he simply told me to be strong and shoved me off a cliff to see if I can fly. I am not sure I will ever understand how I can hate all men and want them so badly at the same damn time, life's great oxymoron.
So, the real questions is, if I hover here like a hummingbird or just fly away.
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