Radio Silence

Yeah, I'm a big girl, I have plenty of things to keep me occupied. I really do, I have cool hobbies, fun friends, nice roommates, varied interests....all kinds of things that I can do. So, why is it that I am sitting here looking at my e-mail like it's a time bomb and wondering if my internet is broken, desperately pushing the refresh button, just in case someone e-mailed me like ten seconds ago and I am missing it? I have no idea.

I even sent e-mails to people I have not talked to in a long time. Needing communications, worried that I am missing something cool --what if I wasn't invited to the party? Sigh. Normally, I would just focus on other things, but tonight it's pretty bad.

Boys have been driving me crazy this last week. That's right, plural. One really is bad enough to deal with most of the time, but right now I am in the middle of like three games of tug-o-war and I am slipping here. At one end of the rope they will pull....I want to talk, to see you, to play with you...on the other end I pull and they give...well, I don't want to be too available to you, I don't want to care too much about you, I hate you when you are on your period and go crazy. But, no one lets go. I keep pulling and they keep pulling. I'm so tied up by it, at this point, that this is my life in bondage. All, hot, frustrated, and tied up...with no visible end in sight. It's ridiculous.

Plus, I was being really polite, because my situation is not the ideal one for me, and let some guy on the website know that I was not accepting other offers currently as I was focused on other things. And that guy e-mails back, "What offers?? I didn't ask you to marry me or anything." Nice, really nice. Now, I feel like crap because he can't take rejection very well. I was really mad about it. It's not fair that I try to be nice, honest, and forthright and get it thrown back in my face. I should have just told him the truth..."Uhm, hey, you are just not attractive enough for me to be talking to you, at any point, so piss off, please, and leave me alone. I am way, way out of your league." I'm totally made enough to say it now. A$$hole.

I have also, as my sadly correct enneagram predicted, over-analyzing my last date and his lack of a response, at this point. The worst part, that I really thought it went well. I wanted so badly for him to think it went well too. So, then I feel like it's my fault. He'll never tell me what it was that scared him off so I then pick the things about me that I hate and blame the failure on them. But, there are like a million things that it could have been. So, now I contemplate doing something crazy with my hair or spending some of that money I have been saving on new clothes. It's a pathetically predictable pattern of mine. But, what to do to break the pattern.....really throw a wrench in there...maybe a new tattoo.