Actually, I know PMS (and that is Pre or Post M Stress) exists. How do I know? Well, for about one day each month, I go absolutely Brittany Spears head shavin' crazy and have no idea that I am any different than usual. Everyone around me notices...I get comments like 'aren't you being a little over senstitive' or 'did you eat anything today' or 'I'm not being judgemental. You seem to WANT to be offended by everything I say.'
Mine hit last Wednesday and as if it were a blog in itself, I am still dealing with the repercussions of what occurred. Okay, so to preface the story...the Ex and I are on superb terms right now, we are great friends and after asking him no less than twice if he wanted to re-date me he said 'no' and gave the green light to date...so I have been. This was kind of discussed on earlier blogs, but needs to be said, as my friendship with him is amazing. So, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable/Physically Available asked to come over and drop some things off at my house on Wednesday. This required two days of heavy cleaning and massive anxiety as I don't invited people to my private room. I feel very judged by the guilty pleasures I have amassed here in knick-knacks and junk. However, as I felt like this might be a step to moving our 'only-physical' relationship into a more relationship-y category, I let him come over.
It was awful. I was nervous so I didn't eat anything which made everything worse. I (apparently) was offended by everything he said and the fact that he didn't even take his coat off like he was going to stay and by the end of the hour and a half we were little more than enemies who could not wait to be outside of each other's company. Then we e-mailed back and forth about it for two days. So, I declared Friday a boy free zone and used it to really introspect about if it was me, which it turned out it was. I also came to the conclusion that although I like him, he does not like me -almost anytime we actually talk to one another I get that feeling. My reluctance to let him go is absolutely physical. However, as we have established we are not an emotional masochist, it's probably over-ish (damage done on that one, thanks PMS).
I find it interesting that in the last four days I have gotten five e-mails on the dating website. It kind of goes in phases, dry for a long time, than suddenly a down pour. I started conversing with a nice new boy....he doesn't have a nickname yet that I can use here, but I have a coffee date with him on the 11th, so we shall see how that one goes.
A trusted person, who shall remain nameless, actually said to me recently that the fact that I get different things from different boys kind of makes me seem 'hooker-y'. The sad, or really sad part is, that I kind of, on a deep level, agree with that. I have no idea why the boy who supports me emotionally has no interest in me physically. I have no clue why the boy who can't get enough of me physically, has no desire to even speak with me outside of that. I want both, so I have them both, but....yeah, it would be conscience clearing to just have one that I could be loyal to. I prize loyalty a great deal, but does that mean I should sacrifice my needs to get that? I say no. I remain happy with what these boys offer and don't ask for more than they are willing to give. Maybe this new one will be different, he seems nice, could be that good 50/50 whole I'm looking for. It never hurts to try.
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