On The Hook?

I have a friend who works out her issues by journaling. Privately she journals about things. Really first and foremost I can be kind of an attention seeker, so this psuedo-anonymous blog is my journal. So, there are less than positive things in here. We do try to protect the innocent, but when I need to look at things really examine them they are on here so I can look at them on paper and really digest them properly. Her blog introduced a concept I think she has been trying to put forth to me in a random way to keep from blurting it at me (which now that I think about it she has tried to get me to see), it is a 'Never Go Back' rule, followed by a concept known as 'On The Hook'.  The 'Never Go Back' rule applies to Ex's and the 'On The Hook' concept is when someone remains with someone until something better comes along.

So, let's discuss. I realize looking at what I have now as far as relationships will qualify as 'on the hook', I get it. I also realize that I don't have this 'never go back' rule. Honest, and let's be honest here, I have many acquaintance and, really at this point, few close friends, so for me simple closing down shop seems pretty extreme. Especially, when at least one of my 'let's be friends' things does seem to be working pretty well. I am probably being strung along on a hook by both boys right now, and yes, it's probably because I don't really want to be alone and still am. Both what I have with K and S will NOT equal out into the romantic relationship that I crave so much, they have both let me know this in no uncertain terms. So, why keep doing it?

The answer is because as strange as it sounds, I like what I have with K. I am finally getting comfy with just being his real friend. I am working hard to be happy for him when he goes out with other girls and just generally enjoy his warm, like minded company. Now, I still get disappointed when relationship-y things happen, and for me feel like they fall through, like say when he has a Christmas party for his work and tells me about it (it's out of town so I had a quick fantasy about going with him and meeting all his friends and drunkenly sharing a hotel room with him) and then he makes it quite clear that he is going alone and intends to enjoy it alone. I accepted that I was disappointed, but make funny comments about how he should find a nice girl there to hole up with if he gets wasted. Because, he is NOT slowly trying to work back into anything romantic with me, we have our relationship and it's called friends, that's where it ends. Any problems, are problems I create. We can be and should be good friends --because as I said before, if he ever intends to find a girl he will need advice and a bit of female support and because I need him to remind me there are good boys out there who are respectful, dignified, and fun. So, if I'm on the hook with him, that's where I am bloody well staying.

Now, S that is a different story entirely. Not that I will ever say this again, because I hate it, but he talks to me that way my long term Ex talked to me. He questions everything the comes out of my mouth. He has extremely low self esteem and is manipulative, always the victim. I was constantly apologizing to him for everything I ever said. This was the main thing I hated about him. He treated me badly and the only nice thing he ever did for me was f*ck me. So, right now you are thinking 'why, would she ever be with him at all?' Good question. Well, when we did bone, he would tell me how hot I was and how good I made him feel -and I straight up needed to hear that. I need to be told. And some days, I need to be touched in an inappropriate manner. That is what he was for. When I say, 'was' what I mean is that our 'friends' thing will never work, has not and does not work, because I don't really like him as a person. He has a lot of personal growth and emotional growth that he needs to do to reach me, if ever. And I can barely stand him to f*ck him, so now that that is over, I doubt I will talk to him again --I haven't in three days now and don't plan on it, so for all intents and purposes he is out of the picture. Off that hook, because it is not healthy.

On a positive note, I did flirt with a single guy at my work who is fun and interesting. Not the pinnacle of attractive, but he is nice and funny, so there could be something potentially there. Also, because I have no plans for this weekend, other than watching the Pat vs. Ravens game, I will be able to get back on the site and do some looking around for another date. A girl's gotta keep trying. He's out there, I just know it. My 50/50 just waiting for me to find him and love him. Until then I keep spreading the love around, be open and honest, learn to be a better friend and a better person, and let go of some things.