Squishy Love

I am attempting to elevate my mood with a good infusion of quick dance trax. This one is fun and catchy...nothing really special, but if you need a nice slam of dance music, well, here it is.

Today, was good. I was supposed to have coffee with K, but ended up calling him early in the day and we had a really fun lunch at VI. I love hanging out with him. We went to a couple of stores and did some light shopping. He needs a new phone so we phone shopped too. I also broke down and gave him his watch early because on V-day he is having dinner on kind of a double date/not a date because we are friends thing with me and the roomies. He really loved it. I really loved that he really loved it. I honestly, didn't know how it would go over, but the watch like him is sophisticated and pretty darn sweet --he really seemed like he liked it to me. I was intensely proud of getting him a good gift that surprised him. Piece by piece I am infusing his wardrobe and making him into the hottest IT professional in the city. He is good looking, he just needs that little extra push of help that a stylish girl can give him. That's what friends (who are secretly in love with you because they are slightly insane hopeless romantics) are for, right? --Insert crooked harmless looking smile here.--

On that note, I did a bit more researching into my Enneagram nature of being a Four. I like self-evaluation, in my mind, it helps me be a better person. But, I read all this stuff about me and how I react in a relationship, all of it hit kind of a nerve with me. It was all true, but horribly terribly true. And other than putting it in my face, did me no good as it did not say how NOT to be like that. It also said I have a propensity to cling to a feeling that I am 'defective'. I'm not 'defective'. I'm effective and efficient. I don't know. I find myself rationalizing behaviors and looking at past experiences for some kind of future wisdom, but it seems to elude me. I have a date on Thursday, that I am really very excited about as it took some major wrangling to get this boy's attention and time, but now I feel like I should text him not to even show up. I will f*ck it up. No matter what I do, it will be me who lights it on fire and then throws myself on top of the pyre. I try too hard. I always try too damn hard and smother the little guy in my hands. "I just love you so much....{Squish}. Oh, Damn it, it happened again." Frustrating.

I think that may be why I just function better if I'm not in love. Because I imagine better than it ever is. I probably always will. Perhaps, and this is not a terribly bad thing, I am designed to be alone. Better at being a person by myself, doing my own things, rather than attempting to make something work that may never, in fact, work for me. Maybe, I have nothing better to obsess about right now and should really be going to bed and not worrying about it. Hmmmm. Yep. Going to bed.