Out Of Principle

Hey, So, sometimes it's important to admit that you may be blowing smoke. I do it sometimes, it's a character flaw. I want to be important so I make myself seem important. I want to be loved so I make is seem like I am a person worth loving. I want to be powerful, so really I just have fantasies about being powerful in my mind as I have no idea how to come off as powerful. Some days I am very aware I am doing it, others I realize afterwards that I was doing it, and on the odd occasion I do it without even knowing. I believe it's that part of me that is an actress --but really it's probably the part of me that feels ever inadequate like a gollum sort of creature that makes me do crazy shit. Still I am human and that makes me many things anyway.

But, this is not about all those things, it's about one thing in particular. I have never lied about all the goings on in my dating life. I have laid them out and examined them here, in print, for me to better understand them. I read every stupid dating article Yahoo puts on there and personalize it to me. So, here are some things from today that were revelations, but are probably true shit I just don't want to hear:

• 1). Although I am a well balanced human being, Mr. Poet And He Knows It may have been right about the fact that I am, on occasion, a very lonely individual. There is a component of me that longs to still be on that long terminal relationship suffering under the rule of my Ex --but still with him to be with someone. I miss the comfort of someone who knows me well and wakes up with me every morning. Constant new dates means constant new anxiety for me.

• 2). When things on the dating websites is not going as I would like, that is like shooting a hole in my whole day. Some days I could not care less about it, honestly. Then some days, like today, I take the rejections and lack of e-mails as a direct reflection of my self worth. Which is ridiculous, I know, but it does not stop it from happening. As much as I like to say, "Fuck, those drooling Snog-Bunnies Boys. I don't need them." Really, literally that is what I want and it is not happening, so I reject it out of principle because I CAN'T have them.

• 3). No one loves a fat girl, unless you are Adele. I don't give a shit if I've started to build muscle or what the fuck is going on. I wanna be thin. A thin skinny hungry bitch. So, this may take a little more work than I had originally figured. However, if I want it so badly I can taste it, I had better learn to sate my hunger on the taste of victory and concepts intangible. There is a girl at work who has invited me to join her $3 a session yoga class over my lunches on Mon-Wed-Fri like five different times, maybe instead of pussing out I should just damn well do it.

• 4). Friends and family still love a fat girl, even if you're not Adele. In the midst of my pity party for myself today (as I have put back on ten hard won pounds in three days) a bestie had good advice on staying positive and what might be the cause of the mystery weight gain and a Prince reminded me that he thinks I am gorgeous which made me so grateful that expressing it would be impossible (I very nearly offered him a BJ over my work e-mail, that's how grateful, and he would have deserved every second of it).

So, there it is laid out. It was not a good day, but tomorrow will be. Happiness takes work. Today I just didn't work hard enough. Tomorrow I will. Simple.