The Year In Review

Ah, the last day of 2011 and as normal, I am taking a moment to reflect how this last year has changed me. The wonderful and the horrible all mixed into a set number of days, measuring down my not so free time as a commodity. So, let's just have a think on it.

A year in WORK: At this time last year I am beginning to freak out that I still don't have a job. Unemployment is helping and keeping me calm for about two months, but as Feb nears I am still not closer to an elusive job. I get an offer, but as my new diet is making me rather diluted I lose it before I even start a day there, if you know what I mean. I am devastated and near desperate in May when I do finally get a low-level entry position at the Bullseye. The job has horrific hours and bad pay, but it is a job and I do it. Keep looking...finally get an interview with the State after submitting no less than twenty three applications. Get a job there and it is great, good pay and good hours. Just what I wanted. Then get promoted after one month. I am job awesome --great pay, good hours, work not hard. So, now sitting at job perfect.

A year in LOVE: Decide in February that I am finally right in the head enough to start looking for someone to be with me. I research and chit-chat with boys. In March we stumble upon a rather sweet Nerd Prince. He is severely interesting, sweet, handsome and fun...so we date. In July he takes me to an art museum for my birthday and we get physical. I start having blinding fantasies of him rescuing me from my mundane existence. We break up in August. Not only does this resurrect all the wonderful things I remember about being in love, but we are reminded that it is short and fleeting and the one real person you can depend on is you. Heartbreak rules September. I dust off and we decide to be friends. Start looking again. Good dates, bad dates. Find new boy Mr. No-Show who f*es me around for nearly a month. Find different boy, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, but Physically Available. Have a fling. And that is where I am now. If I could get my Ex-friend and Mr. EU/PU morphed into one boy --I would be married. As yet...I will continue the hunt.

The year in LIFE: As of right now, I have lost a total of 45lbs and I am well on my way to that goal of 130 to 35 as a healthy life weight. I'm really proud of that. It was not easy. I made positive changes in the lives of people I know. Spent some wonderful times out with the Bestie and some nights crying over e-mails from her. Got third in my fantasy football league. Fell in love with Tom Brady and became a Patriots fan. Made some cool new friends, really loved well some of my old ones. Did some awesome things with my family, and worked through some crisis with them. Watched my parents age. Attempted to remain ladylike as much as possible. There were so many good thing and bad things I've lost count, honestly, but it's all been worth it. We rise up strong and proud, true to myself and those who have chosen to love me. I am a work in progress, a pretty picture that changes as you look at it. A fighter with purpose, love, and drive, who is ready for the next challenge ready to face a new year with fervor and delight. Bring it on!!

Good Feeling!

Okay, so tonight, I've got a good feeling. Going on a date at eight, not to be late. Getting all magic-ed up and prepped for date. This is keeping me pretty busy. Should be fun. I hope... Broke a damn nail, now all of them look weird. I really need to go get my acrylics back on and soon.

Tomorrow night we are headed to bowling with the roomies and the Ex, which also promised to be a great time. We are all not huge drinkers, so a drinker's holiday is kind of mute point. However, it has earned me another four day work week, which I am looking forward to (perhaps this weekend I will be able to NOT have some plans and finally get my nails done like I've been promising myself for weeks I would).

I also secured my dental appointment. Yes, it has been an issue for awhile, but at this point I have some time built up so I feel like it will be okay to go in with the new insurance and finally start getting all those teeth problems taken care of --starting with that one in front. It is worth spending the money on and I am really trying to put some good excitement behind it to push me forward.

Quick Witchcraft

Got on ITunes, tempted by an ad for the new Florence album for cheap, ended up getting a bunch of new music. This is one of the new things.

Will blog more later, need to get in the tub. Been doing some writing. Oh, and K's Kitten Christmas went really well, not that I blogged about it because I am lazy. We had dinner out...it was so bad, what I ordered, I had to send it back. It is a rare thing, but it does happen. He got me a new portable hard drive which totally rocks and a Tom Brady action figure, which rocks just as much. I love them both. He is so sweet and his gift's said that he does know me very well. Score another one for the Big K.

Anyway, that's it for now.

Family Pirate!

Ah, so an 'After Christmas' blog. Normally, this would be where I b*tch about the disappointment of getting splendid thoughtful gifts for people and not really receiving what I wanted for Christmas. But, do you want to know something...it's not. I got every single thing I asked for, except a Dick In A Box. And really, I did even get an e-mail from Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, But Physically Available, so I think that equates to it.

Today, sister K helped me put together my office chair that I am sitting on right now and we laid out the new rug and they both are fabulous! I love them. My Tom Brady Jersey is hanging up on the closet door, in its place of severe honor. My sock monkey hat is with my coat for wearing out. On my desk is sitting my new e-reader/tablet which is charging. And the very last thing to be taken out of the box is my new Blueray player so I can hook it up to my TV. I need to get an HDMI cable for it, so it may wait a bit until Pay Day. They are all the awesomest gifts ever. I have nothing left to want.

And this is the best part, it's not even over. K's Kitten Christmas is today. He is coming over to pick me up at 3-ish and we are gonna have even more Christmas fun. I don't want to spoil it, just in case he is reading this, but on top of the two sweaters and sherpa couch blanket that I gave him early, I have something for him to unwrap and a couple little nice stocking stuffers for him. I also got his mom and dad a Christmas lighthouse, because when I was over there for Thanksgiving there were lighthouses everywhere. He said that his mom really liked it so that made me feel about ten feet tall. His general presence in my life is more than enough of a gift for Christmas (introduces me to new music all the time, sends me funny things on e-mail nearly everyday that always cheer me right up if I need it, goes out with me to the symphony and the movies, etc.) so if he did get me anything at all that is just gravy. Sweet, handsome boy.

The bestie liked my Christmas present to her, too. Even though it was too heavy to send, so I had to send her an e-mail of it. She has officially been adopted by my family, as she has recently tested her support system and they failed pretty damn miserably. That is the great part about gypsies, tramps, and thieves like we are...we will take anyone who wants to call themselves us. So, if they are still being jackasses, she's coming to my family Christmas...because she's my family now, Bitches. So, just suck on that one. I stuck a flag in the most awesome member of your family and claimed her. And I'll do it again to anyone I feel like doing it to, so just try to stop me. Call me Skanky H, Family Pirate. Arrr-r-r-rh, come with me and we shall sail the fun-time seas, spreading the unconditional love and support booty amongst us!!

Short Christmas Pictorial

Okay, this one is coffee from Starbucks. It is awesome.

As you can kind of see, R Baby is as excited about my new office chair as I am.

Another fab gift, new e-reader/tablet from K and T. They kept telling me it was a Hickory Smoked Sausage Log. Nice guys, real nice.

And this is only about half the wonderful stuff I got. I am so lucky and really blessed to have a great family who cares about me year round anyway. It makes a big difference, they make a big difference. I love them all, adopted members included, and wish everyone the most merry of holiday seasons!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, People. Drink, be merry, and alway be thankful for the wonderful people and things in our lives. More later, if I'm not too cheery to type. :)

Sock Monkey, That Funky Monkey....

So, what do you get the girl who has everything? How about an extra cool sock monkey hat! My smoke buddy, J, from work, gave this to me today for Christmas. I only got her a card, but she said she is one of those people that when they see something that reminds them of someone they just pick it up and this reminded her of me. I must kick alot more a$$ than I had at first realized if people see sock monkeys and are reminded of me. Or anything really that reminds them of me. I find that to be an incredible compliment.

Also a fun story from work today, so another of my smoke buddies tells me her kid made up a new word. This child could not decide this morning if she was cute or beautiful...so she finally decided she was 'cutiful' (pronounced cute-if-ul). I have decided to pirate the word as I have been looking around for years to find where I fit in on the beauty scale and think that this is it. I'm not totally beautiful....but, I am on occasion squarely quite cute. So, I think it is cute with a little womanly 'umph' added to it and that is what I am. Cutiful. I think much as the word 'awesome' went from actually inspiring 'awe' (as in the awesome power of a deity) to simply meaning the coolest thing ever, used as nearly daily worn out slang, that this word 'cutiful' will indeed catch on and become common place. I think it's perfect for describing those ageless Asian cuties all walking around looking cute, but not quite reaching beautiful. See, it already has a niche.

I also received all three of my de-motivational posters in the mail today and I am totally stoked to put them up in my cubicle. It looks like I will also have to bring in my other LOMA designations as a couple of co-workers caught the director in there, while I was gone, snooping in my cube looking at stuff. It is pretty darn cool in there now, but when I'm done...damn, it is going to be the place to hang out.

Still going hard on the Christmas spirit and as of tomorrow my family will all be in town. I am trying to rest up and I am going to wear my Tom Brady jersey tomorrow for some extra luck. I'm teeth chatteringly excited about presents, not to be materialistic or anything, but I love to see how wonderful and thoughtful everyone's gifts always are and I hope mine stand up and say 'Hey, I Know and Love YOU!', like they should. I very hopeful about it. It makes me wish I had more to give. :)

Ninja Star Wars Mechanized Pirate Sci-Fi Magic!

Hey, blog kids, what's up? Oh, me, I'm doing well. Going and going like usual. I'm really glad I got that last blog off my chest. It feels good to have it out in the open. I dislike secrets, although I still have some. They wear upon the soul, making holes in the fabric of me.

I am full of Christmas anticipation today. I have been cultivating this feeling since I was a kid. That giddy, heart-pounding joy that wells up in you when you run down the stairs on Christmas morning or sneak down early morning with your siblings to take a peek. As I get older I can make this feeling last longer and longer. It really is little more than letting your imagination go and hoping against hope for everything the world can possibly offer you. Impossible dreams that you secretly wish  into possibilities. Another part of it is a repression of my jealousy reflex and my great striving to be grateful for things people do for me, to me, with me, --just for no reason other than they too are good people. It is really making this holiday season go very well for me. I have all next week to be b*tching and disappointed, so I'll just put that all off until then. Right now, comedy is queen and everywhere around me is Carnivale. I've been dancing around in my underwear and feeling good, which should honestly happen more often, but simply doesn't.

I had a really nice time out last night with the Ex. I have no idea if he read yesterday's blog or not. I really don't. We had dinner. It was fun --he's funny and sweet and tries to explain to me some of his tech stuff, which just blows my mind how smart he is. Then we went to Shopko and looked around for Christmas cards that I could give out at work. I also got some very 'me' My Little Pony sticker to put on them and they went over really well today, btw. When we got in the car, he starts singing the My Little Pony theme song (well, what he knows of it). I don't think I have laughed that hard in a very long time. What a guy. What a special, awesome person -it also blew my mind just a little, as well.

I would also like to recognize the bestie right now. She had a member of her family turn on her like a rabid animal. I would really like to take him out and shoot him like Old Yeller, but as this is not an option, even to protect someone I care about as much as I care about my best girlfriend, I simply had to support her and try to make her feel a little better. However, she is handling it...pretty well, with the grace and poise of a real lady in the face of having some pretty terrible things said about her. I hope most sincerely that things start to improve for her. Anyone who says there are no double standards in this world has never had to live as the other half and there are things men can get away with easily that when done by a woman have horrible, degrading consequences. But, she, much like me some days, is a fighter and will eventually come through stronger for having made her choices for herself.

Ah, so, there is the day. Now to sweatpants and snuggling in warm with a smile on my face -ready to do mail for the rest of the year. Ha, ha.

A Very Brady Christmas!

Okay, so yeah, I actually got asked today when the next time I was gonna blog was. Proving that some people do actually read this thing occasionally. So, I promised to be more dutiful about it. This is a picture of my first Christmas present this year (Although I did get a nice bag of coffee from the one really great person in my office, as well). Tom Brady jersey courtesy of my bestie in KY. How hot looking is that? Totally. And can you see the big fat smile on my face? Huh, huh, can you? Yep. That is what love is like. A lot like that.

So, let's discuss why I have not been blogging. And this is the hard part because it takes all the mystery away from me and I can't deny knowledge of these things, etc. I have had the inkling that perhaps, just maybe, the Ex was reading my blog. For insight, which is good, but as we are friends, and good friend at that, there have been some things going on that I did not want to disclose for the sake of his feelings. They say, on the internet, that if you date other people, even if your Ex says he is cool with that and does NOT want to date you anymore, it is extremely bad manners and will ruin a friendship to talk about such things with them. So, as I have been most busy when I have been trying to fit dates into my schedule, I have simply neglected to blog about it. I also, and this is not a good thing I realize, will most always harbor some sort of sad, sick hope that some day my Ex-friend might just turn around and say, "Oh, hey, forgot to tell you, I'm totally in love with you." This will not happen. It never does. I'm smart and I know this, however I just can't seem to shake it --who knows if I ever will, so I repress it and act like it doesn't exist.

With that said, I also did something I have never done this last weekend. I set up a booty call. I have never been very good at separating the emotional quotient from the physical part of loving someone so to protect myself I have always said they must be together. I need to be in love with you to sleep with you. Well....as I have also become more comfortable with being alone and my emotional needs for companionship and dating type affection are being met by someone who wants nothing to do with getting in my pants, I have begun to reconsider this notion. So, what happens when that need for absolute physical comes poking its ugly head around? I called a guy who only wants in my pants and for honesty's sake, let him break the damn door down. I don't love him. I kind of like him, mostly physically, but could also never hear from him again and be totally fine with that. I'd slept with him before so I knew he was clean and safe and really not in it for my mind. I made it clear that I didn't want to date him, I just wanted to break off a piece of ass and have done with it. It was nice and really pretty freeing to have a need satisfied that hadn't been satisfied in a while. It's not even that I feel guilty about it, I don't. But, for some reason I feel like if my Ex-friend would read about it he would judge me harshly and probably stop talking to me because I was little more than a base animal at times.

However, after a great deal of thought, I decided to be true to myself. A life lived full of secrets is only half a life. Lies by omission are still lies. I care about the people I love enough to be honest with them all the time, not just when it is convenient. If my Ex-friend thinks I'm a whore, then hopefully he will tell me that or talk to me about it or something, I respect him enough to discuss it, if it makes him uncomfortable. I will not put my life on hold (again) for a man whose mind I cannot read or shelter him from certain aspects of me that may not be as I think he would like me to be. That's not me. So, the blog continues....from now on, commercial free and all-inclusive.

That's A Big Pile Of....

So, this week kind of flew by. There were some good things and some really crap things that happened, pretty much as usual. Also, as usual, my terrific friends and family have made it so that I mostly remember the good stuff. Bestie has been having problems that number in the millions, but faces them with strength and resilience that I both admire and envy. Sister D lost her job and is suffering from some kind of illness, but hopefully will be back on track soon.

My dating life took a nose dive, but I am almost fully recovered from it, at this point, and...and don't pass this one around as it makes me seem really weak...but having a best guy friend has really made it so I can wait for something better than what all these douchebags are trying to sell me right now. It's gonna be the gold medalist of dating who can actually treat me better than K does, at this point. He may have been unpracticed at first and there are some things he still has to learn about it, but he has morphed into a great real-life representation of a gentleman in my mind. He's kind and sweet, polite and strong, smart and articulate, handsome and open to my suggestions about things, honest and funny. It is to my benefit that he is somewhat shy and takes some time to get to know, because if he were out-going he'd definitely have another girlfriend by now and would have stopped talking to me . I'm kind of dreading that, but have moved passed it abit and as he really is my friend, most of all I want him to be happy. So, should that happen I will suck it up and pretend (at least in front of others) that I'm cool about it. He deserves to fall in love with a pretty girl who will love him the way I wanted to.

And, finally, I wrote a couple more pages on one of my shelved stories. I don't think I'm gonna make my December deadline for publishing, but I am attempting to install a budget which will make that and some car repairs a reality. I've got one check this month to finish my Christmas shopping and pay rent from so there is little wiggle room for going out. Which is also okay, because this year for some strange reason, I have been getting cold sores like once every two months, as opposed to the usual, one every six months or so. It could be stress, it could be a lot of things, but facial leprosy is one of those things that will keep me inside like a damned hermit. So, we work out, we write, we dream our big dreams alone, quietly, we make time for family and friends, we focus on our job and doing that well. It's still a very busy schedule, but filled with less social activities and a bit more staying home. I'm in the playoffs this week for my fantasy football league. I'm hopeful about it, but who knows, it is anyone's game right now. Wish me luck and a little Tom Brady magic.

What Louise and I Have In Common....

And we both ride the fucking bus as of tonight. It's not that the Honda is broken. It's not. Well, the light on the brakes went from yellow to red tonight on the hour long, white knuckled drive home from downtown tonight, but that is not the reason. Okay, so yeah, it is kind of the reason.

With all the f-caking snow and the roads being so awful and parking being heinous (like a six block walk for free parking or a $9 a day charge for the garage), I really had to look at it from an economical stand point. A bus pass costs me $7.50 for 31-days of rides to and from work, and the fifteen minutes extra I would lose in the morning so I can walk to the bus stop on time. While, the Honda costs me a bunch in gas and a bunch in parking. I also am entirely responsible if I hit someone or something happens while I am in the car, this is not so with the bus. Although I would have to put up with weird people on the bus, which I kind of hated the last time I had to ride it like ten years ago.

Still, even fending off weirdos does seem to be a good economical alternative. And if I ride the bus all winter, than by the spring I will have enough money saved up to fix the brakes and get her that tune-up and new tires she needs so desperately. So, I'm gonna suck it up and ride the bus tomorrow. Humble pie tastes awful, but I'm hoping it may have a sweet aftertaste. You do what you have to. If I really needed to I could walk my ass downtown. People walk everywhere. I've got functional legs. So, yeah, it sucks, but tomorrow I'm riding the bus to and from work.

And Another Thing...

While I'm totally angry I will say....my stupid non-existent boyfriend would get me this for Christmas. You know why?...Because even the replica is $70. The real authentic one is $119. But, to a real boyfriend it wouldn't matter. He'd get it for me anyway, because he thinks it's cool that I love NFL football, fantasy football, and Tom Brady. Sure, he might give me some good natured crap about it, but I'd joke right back about the football stuff he obsesses about. It would be so cool. He'd get if for me because he loves me and wants to see me really excited about a ridiculous jersey. Because, it would make him happy to make me happy. He'd think about it and make sure that his Christmas gift was thoughtful and showcased that he really knew me and what I liked. He'd get it for me because he'd be just as excited to see it on me as he would be to see it wadded up on the floor afterward. He'd do it because he would know that every time I put it on I would think about him and smile. That's what it should be like.....that's what love should be like. Sometimes, hope is unbearable.

Nothing In My Way

Okay, so this one has been playing on repeat pretty much all day. The bestie let me have it from her flash drive when we hung out this weekend. And I had a nice busy week last week/weekend. I went to a concert with my roommates and the Ex and it was magnificent and fun. I went shopping with the Bestie and got some new jeans and went down to a size 8 -breaking the double digit jean size I have worn for nearly fifteen years. Plus, I had a date on Thursday and a date on Sunday...with the new boy, S. I was terribly excited about him...but, well there is a reason for the stupid song making horrible sense to me today.

So, Thursday I boned him. I'm not sure why I just jumped right in. I'm like that, a constant leap-without-looking type, feet first into danger. And it was great. I'm not saying I didn't fake it, because I've been faking it so long I'm not sure I even know the difference anymore, but I get that intense sense of accomplishment when they hit the mark. I did well. I did that because I'm amazing. So, it was satisfying. Don't worry about it, I can wait for mine....So, then I went over on Sunday night and it happened again. It was good, but not as good and still didn't get mine. But, it's forgivable, he smells great and it big and tall like I like'em, so there will be a next time. Right? Nope.

An hour after I get home and go to bed, he e-mails me and gives me every lame excuse possible about why it won't work. So, I answer back with my usual bravado. I don't really care, you totally didn't hurt me or anything, enjoy your life, blah, blah, blah. Shit, it's almost a form letter template at this point. For almost the whole day at work I keep it together, but I'm sad, really sad. I'm exhausted from trying to keep up and absolutely disappointed with my results on this one. Plus, there is a lonely echo throbbing through the cavern of my turned-off brain that sounds a lot like, "What if there really is no one out there to love you?"

I am weary of the constant lying, the blustery show with no strength or honor behind it. I am exhausted from looking up from battle and seeing all the princesses standing there waving at their knights. I want to be the princess for a while. And another thing, I'm not sure I learned anything from this one...that's how bland he was, even a dating scientist could not glean anything useful from him. I paid for dinner on both dates. I drove on the icy roads in the middle of the night to see him. I brought the movies. I initiated any messing around we ever did. Fuck that shit, all it does is convince them you'd be a great 'friend' or that you are too insecure to really be demanding. Next time he pays, he makes the moves, he drives to see me, he brings the entertainment. Maybe guys really just want some beautiful girl to treat them like crap --that seems to be the message I'm getting. So be it, no more Miss Nice Girl.