Something So Broken....

I am a little less than happy to have to post this one. However, sometimes things are simply necessary not pleasant and this is one of those things. So, in the spirit of wanting something we just can't have. I tested a theory this weekend. It needed tested. I'm a Dating Scientist and no one and I mean no one is safe from that. So, that is the ominous set up for a rather anticlimactic story.

You know when things are quiet...like too quiet. Well, things in the kingdom of the Nerd Prince were peaceful and quiet. I've been blogging for months about how much I liked him as a wonderful strong constant in my less than spectacular dating life. With the graveyard of possible dating candidates rising up under my feet I decided to try to climb to higher ground. I gave it some real thought too because although I make the Nerd Prince out to be a bloody saint --he really is not. He has huge flaws just like every other guy on the planet and I had to reexamine if I was cool with accepting those. Things about him that would never change or that I could not change. After some deep thoughts about it, I decided I could handle them. I had even decided to possibly change myself to be a bit more of what he might like. I can do that. Then I made a plan.

On Friday night I implement this plan. I set myself out like a beautiful, drunken banquet, a consequence free tryst...if he wanted it, certainly the approach was wide open. And in this lies the despair of it, for the third and final time, he did not want it, did not want me. Now, there was a 50% chance of a "no", but it was still not entirely anticipated. Really, can one ever truly prepare for rejection? He did it in the sweetest way possible (which is rather his trademark, I'm afraid), but the message was very plain. You go your way and I'm going mine, without you. Ahhh, I see. I understand, but I don't have to like it. This does not mean we are not going to see each other, it doesn't even mean that we aren't friends anymore, we still are, but it does mean there will be no more flirting and about as much chance of a romantic rekindling as I have of winning the lottery. It means the metaphorical door is closed and shall remain so....so I had better start hunting outside of his castle to find some kind of home.

I long desperately for a home. Someplace I can walk into and set down this pulverized mush that is what is left of my heart and feel complete. I would also like to mention that Mr. English is so into me that he has not answered either e-mail or text since Tuesday. I was thinking of breaking up with him, but really I think we shall just stop talking and whatever "something special" we had bleed out into the ether. Wow, such interest. I must have stomped too hard upon the ground as the clattering skeletons of former lovers have stopped asking to rattle my bones. Which, just to be clear, only adds to my current black mood. There is no hope to cling to, he simply told me to be strong and shoved me off a cliff to see if I can fly. I am not sure I will ever understand how I can hate all men and want them so badly at the same damn time, life's great oxymoron.

So, the real questions is, if I hover here like a hummingbird or just fly away.

ZomBie Dating Month

And we're back from the break with a whole 'nother slew of scatterbrained dating problems. You know I always thought that I might take all these ridiculous blogs and put them in a book -but it's kind of Sex in the City and kind of Bridgette Jone's Diary and that makes it kind of like already done. Plus, it's all Midwest and as I understand it coastal peoples hate that crap. Secret: It's because they are jealous of our flat, brown land.

So, I have dubbed April as Zombie Dating month as there were several resurrections -sadly not involving erections of any kind. Mr. No Show e-mailed me the creepiest e-mail ever asking that I meet him at a hotel room on North 27th -for our first date mind you. So, I put two in the head to make sure it was dead on that one and walked away. Never talking to him again. Ever. In more pleasant news I have also had two nice conversations with Mr. EU/PA -who sadly has been rather physically unavailable, but I'm not changing his title just yet. I really did like him even if he is an a$$hole and will remain one. Plus, he is fun to flirt with and I know if I can ever get to where I can see him, he would let me in his pants again, so there is that. Fun...anyway....

The Nerd Prince is still around, still riding in to save my bacon and make me happy in his way, every single day. He is as I told the bestie, "as usual putting all the men I date to shame." She called him the 1%, in reply. I have been on the brink several times of just jumping back in and begging him to be my man. I never tire of him, and this is the problem. Eventually I would tire of all of them -I can already tell. It's the minor eye rolling when they are being absolutely stupid and the suppression of my natural instincts around them that tell me it won't work. With him it's not like that -we have gone passed that to comfortable in each other presence -it recharges my batteries to be near him. And that is scarier than zombies. That "what if" I blew it with the perfect guy? What if I have to watch him move on? He is my friend, my charger, mine damn it. And the world simply can not have him back. Nope, not gonna do it. Everybody just step away from him, unless you want to deal with me. Gawd damn, no sex friend zone. F-F-F

And speaking of not getting any. Mr. English is still around. Yeah, I know I said I was gonna break up with him, but on the night I was gonna do it he took me to Cracker Barrel. And I friggin' love Cracker Barrel. I am after all a cracker. So, I couldn't go through with it --so as usual I dug the hole deeper as he is the only play I am getting at all. I went on another date after that and after messing around I asked him to be my BF. I think it's a big honor. He did not. He said, "I gotta mull it over." Which sent me into a frenzy of anger and disappointment. Huge disappointment.

So, now I get to choose if I want to straight up break up with him or like a flasher in a parking lot, just throw open the trench coat and show him all my huge flaws that I have been protecting him from. Bam -I suck at keeping to a budget. I want sex all the time and I don't wait for you. Pow -I don't clean, at all, my room is a huge mess. Crack -I go crazy on my period. Bam - I drink and smoke and enjoy both of them. Pow -I can eat a Big Mac in like ten seconds flat and fluctuate about ten pounds in two weeks all the time. Up/Down that is just how it is.  OR I could just be honest and say I sometimes don't like how he talks down to me, that  I might just want to have kids, and that he is moving too slow for me. Because all that stuff is true and not as overwhelming as the personal flaws would be. Hmmm, I'm gonna have to mull it over, I think.

Here Comes A Fighter....

Things seem okay. It's the same deal everyday, take a loan from dirty sharking angels to pay that huge tab in hell. The circle always comes around and round. I am learning to love it. Because I got tired of being crushed daily under the weight of paperwork and monotony. Looking for love makes me shameless, and being a number willingly makes me nameless. But, suddenly I wake up momentarily look up at the florescent above that computer screen and recall that I am special, spontaneous --a fucking joy to the lives I touch. And in that special forever second it's overwhelming how marvelously high and powerful I feel right then. Then just like that, it's gone again and I am sitting there wondering how I got there and what I was doing.

But, that moment of clarity is worth it. So, very worth it, that you spend your life grasping for it. It's what keeps ya going, moving forward, fighting onward. Beautifully wearing those puckering scars for everyone to see. "Yeah, look at me, I live." I am an honest representation of a human being. It makes me laugh.

I am a lady.  The penultimate of feminine strength, goodness, and loveliness. And no, you may not drag me down to where you are --it will ruin my shoes. So, if you fuck with me, I will stomp on you and use you as step stool to get back up, to rise once more, so I can shine for the people who need my light. I have to shine bright because this place is dark. I am needed like a lighthouse. I am brilliant like the sun for everyone to see. And the sun never goes out --it may go down, but still there. Waiting to warm you with my love, to sparkle your vampires, bring up your flowers, and make you sweat sweetly.

So, I don't care if you want to be my boyfriend. I am feeling good, dancing in my underwear, jumping up and down. Feeling sexy. I am appreciated like a walking work of art by everyone who sees me. The jiving imperfection of asymmetry is beauty if you shake it just right. Wink it just so it shimmers like light babies bouncing across water. Perfection is passe, I have graduated into the talent of striking peculiarity with a dash of humor and a ream of confidence. So, I am waxing my legs poetic tonight, smoking conventions in the bathtub of frothing jealous bubbles and oily gossip. Maybe tomorrow a normal blog....if I feel like it.

Issues....

Up late night tonight. As usual you don't find me on here unless I have some kind of issue. Which we kind of have in spades, just all the way around. Well. kind of. So, my roomies are moving. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I am staying put and getting a new roomie. She is another sister so it will be pretty much the same, in some ways I guess. But, it will mean more privacy for me, which I think is good. I would like to be able to invite a dude over once in a while.

Oh, yeah and still single, in case people were wondering, but not totally single. There is the ever-present Nerd Prince who has been lots of fun like usual and a kind of new guy. This is were my problem lies, as usual. Now, when I was fooling around with Mr. EU/PA I didn't really have a feeling of conflict as I was not really interested in a relationship with him. There was a development with the aforementioned 'doctor', whose title is more like Mr. English, as I like that one better. Mr. English is interesting, somewhat older, but has a lot of the same issues as most boys. He made a nice recovery from the "Dating Anger" blog with an articulate apology or explanation of what he really meant, so I have gone a couple more dates with him. He moves slowly.....very slowly, so for a fast mover, like me, that can, and is at times, very frustrating. However, I like him, so I am moving slowly with it and playing very casual about it --even if he doesn't really want to see me more than once a week and I have weird suspicions about whether I am the only girl he is seeing right now.

So, now I am having an issue about whether to tell my Nerd Prince about Mr. English. Now, this is not for the exact same reason I didn't want to tell him about Mr. EU/PA, because what I have with my prince is wonderful and comforting and comfortable and he is my very best guy friend I have ever had -ever. However, this with Mr. English is different from what I had with Mr. EU/PA. Mr. EU/PA never made it past three dates, even if we fooled around. Mr. English is on date five with me and we are starting to discuss things like sex and long term plans, goals and past histories -deep stuff with the intention of moving forward into some kind of relationship. I have even told him about my Nerd Prince and the fact that we dated previously but are still tight friends, which he said he had no problem with (at least now).

But, I cannot seem to get up the balls to tell the Nerd Prince about it. I can't cause that boy pain, it makes me want to die. He has problems of his own and I wouldn't want to cause him even a moment of discomfort, plus, there is the chance...just a chance, mind you, that he would react in a couple of ways I could not handle, like turning around and telling me he liked me more than friends at this point (even if he has said he didn't want to date me on like three different occasions) or freaking out and not talking to me anymore --both of which would make me absolutely crazy.

However, it could be nothing. Like I said, I have sneaking suspicions I am not the only girl Mr. English is going out with, although I have not asked him about it. People who have been cheated on get suspicious. I am pretty relaxed about it, but there are little things like this seeing each other once week thing or the fact that I have no idea what he does all day, but he e-mails only every once in a while and (just like Mr. EU/PA) says he doesn't check it often, which simply says intense lack of interest to me, which I hate. As we have stated before, I am sick to death of having to work for it all the time --if you're interested, act fucking interested...I mean I do, why is reciprocation so difficult on that. So, this could be another one that will simply crash and burn like the rest and, if so, why do I need to get my panties all in a bunch and tell my Nerd Prince about it when I think it might only upset him....Hmmm, I will have to think more on it.

St Pat's C-family Style!

Me, Dad, and Sis

Me, Mom, and D

A, Me, Mom, and D

Sis and Me

Sis

Sister A

Sister D

Gawd, I am such a bada$$.

Family, hanging out.

T and Sis and Roscoe

Happy St Pat's Everybody!

Dating Anger

So, is all fair in love and war? I really would like to know. I mean it, because if there are no rules anymore then what the hell am I doing playing fair. Really. I do know one thing. There is no room for excitement anymore. If you get excited about a date or a guy, they will completely let you down --and do you know why? Because your excitement is not seen as a good thing --it's a vile, annoying slew of e-mails which they have not the time nor the inclination to read or reply to, then it's seen as absolute crazy, clingy psycho behaviour. When really, it was just you trying to let them know that you liked them or thought they were cool.

My date on Sunday night went well. At least I thought it went well. I e-mailed a thank you to him after the date on Sunday night because I am polite and had a nice time. He let me know that he was very busy the next couple days. Okay, I understand that. I e-mailed again on Tuesday a funny little cartoon, short e-mail. I sent him today a little e-mail with some songs in it I liked, hardly any text at all. I got back something that said basically that he did not check his e-mail often (oh, hey S what are you doing back here again) and not to take offense if he didn't reply or that I should take offense about it now if I were "truly psychotic/needy/desperate/"cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" so that he would know right away that I was crazy. I wrote him back and said that I did know he was busy and that the little things I had not expected a reply on, they were just to be fun, nice things. Blah, blah, blah. And that was it. But, yeah, the damage was done. I took time to talk to him and try to make him happy and it gets thrown back in my face and I get called desperate and psychotic for being excited about somebody I thought was a nice guy.

So, I was feeling disappointed, let down once again, and disillusioned which prompted me to get on the pay site and see what had been happening in my absence as I had not gotten on in a while because Mr. New Guy had told me that his subscription was ending so he gave me his real e-mail and I had been using that. And do you know what? When I got on I find that he has viewed my profile within the last hour. WTF. So, let me get this straight...you are far too busy to communicate with me but not too busy to get on the dating website and hunt around for better. It made me sick to my stomach. I don't understand how these guys keep fooling me into thinking that they are worth my time and excitement. They're not, they're awful. Now, I am severely disappoint and feel a lot like crying. Okay, so I am somewhat hormonal today and I am crying. It's the price to be paid in order to make that emotional withdrawal from it. What a lousy jerk.

And this guy is not half as gentlemanly as the Nerd Prince or half as attractive as Mr. EU/PA. I don't know what I was thinking honestly. No, no, what I was thinking was, "I'll give him a shot, he's older, more mature, and will treat me well." But, I was lying to myself again. I saw things that weren't there. I hurt myself and am bleeding for it. I don't think I will talk to him again. I am really very upset about this.

Glasses

I am terrible. I have not been blogging. Really it should be easy, but I have some good excuses this time. The weekend was very busy actually, Most of it involved fun activities with the Nerd Prince who was really top notch good times all weekend.

There was a bit of a new development on the dating front as I got a number of e-mails and finally a date with a gentlemen hence forth to be known as 'The Doctor', as he is dangerously close to being a doctor of English (Has a masters in creative writing no less). He was a contact on the new paying site. Not sure yet what to make of him as our first date was on Sunday night. Unlike some of the others on the free site he is about ten years older than I am, which is very interesting. He is severely intelligent, although looks exactly like what I would call up in my mind of an English professor. Not incredibly attractive, but attractive, articulate. At the end of our first date I got a rather unexpected and exciting kiss. So, I have decided that if he asks me out again. I'm gonna go. In fact I am nervously awaiting some kind of e-mail from him.

Whereas this should put me in a good place, because the Prince and I are friends, good friends, in my mind it doesn't. I am terribly afraid to tell him I had a nice date with someone else. I mean, I know that there is nothing he could do that would make us not be friends -we are too far in for that to ever happen -but, I'm not sure how he feels about it. We've never openly discussed it. I mean we skirt the issue and are getting more comfortable talking in generalities about dating and kidding around about it. But, I am that girl who has problems seeing things that aren't there, remember. I want to be able to tell him about it and laugh and ask him his perspective on it, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable or, god forbid, he has some kind of romantic feelings for me and gets mad and never wants to talk to me ever again.  I would be utterly crushed. So, what do I do? I will have to think on it. We are having dinner tomorrow.

I went and got my nails done on Sunday, but the lady who did them left them a little long for my tastes so typing has been somewhat difficult. Then this morning I thought I had an eyelash in my contact, but it is some kind of stye, so I had to take my contacts out and throw them away. I rubbed my great-grandmother's wedding ring on it so hopefully it will start going away. But, this puts me squarely in a pair of six year old glasses that are a prescription or two off from what I should be wearing. I can see, but no well, and I think I look fucking ridiculous. My real glasses make my eyes look like pinpoints and they are thick. Really thick. I hate them, but it looks like I will have to wear them for at least a couple of days until my eye heals up and I am not happy about it.

However, considering all the things I see and don't see....I really must be metaphorically blind, so why not literally for a few days.